Tuesday, December 23, 2008

We're You Aware of It?

I have recently determined I am not a huge fan of the south. Maybe not the entire south, because I liked Elon well enough and Chapel Hill was cool. Hell, even Charlotte seems cool. Greensboro, not so cool and suburbs of Greensboro? Even less cool. I like saying cool, cool? So without further ado, a list of things I dislike about this area and the people that inhabit this area. (Some of the qualities are not necessarily relegated to Greensboro and Greensboro alone, but this is what people do here, so it makes the list). 

- More than several of the employees at one of my jobs like rap music. Now, I've never been a huge fan of rap music (except in Puff Daddy's hey day, of course) but I often don't fault people for liking it. I suppose my qualm here is that all of these fellows are white rednecks. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong in liking rap AND being a white redneck (although it does bring up several questions on relatability to the music). The problem lies within the fact that these guys toss around the n-word like its a deer carcass they just shot, and they are showing it off to all their friends! They don't do it in the "I'm trying to act black, let me say it" way they do it in the "I hate black people" way and that seems to create a juxtaposition. I will conclude this rant with a short story. 

An employee cranks the rap music and claims that this song (could've been Lil Wayne) is his favorite. No less than 3 seconds later his grandmother comes in and yells at him to "check his colors." I smell a racist!

- I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "NOPE" and "NOBAMA." Let's first put the fact that the election was 2 months ago out of our minds. Not everyone is for Obama, that's fine, but you aren't for Hope? Am I misunderstanding you sir, you would rather not have any hope here? (I was halfway shocked when there wasn't a pro-cancer bumper sticker next to it that said 'FUCK THE CURE')

- No one likes the NBA. Everyone likes college basketball and reference the NBA as "Nig Ball. (I'm not black and I find this insulting.)"

- Everyone fucking loves cars for some reason. You might live in a trailer park but you almost definitely own a pickup truck (for running over black people) AND a mustang (for running away from them). I've heard more car "shop talk" than I would ever like to hear again and every time I hear the word "carbeuorator I tense up and start to shiver. 

- People like guns. There is nothing like hearing casual conversation "Yeah, I carry a shotgun with me in my purse. I can show it to you right now, if you want."

 I dont like Greensboro suburbs. WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT? 

Back tomorrow with my shopping adventures. 

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Time I Purchased My First Pornographic Video

As a youth, at the tender age of 18 years, 0 days and 0 hours old, I purchased what would be my first pornographic magazine. I reveled in the experience, even "upgrading" to something I hadn't seen before. I chose Penthouse, mainly because I had seen Playboy, and let's face it, I was 18 and I was ready for something more...classy.

That thought process was incorrect. Absolutely incorrect. I was not, nor will I ever be, ready to attempt to masturbate to a girl on her back, legs akimbo, shooting urine out of her vagina (I know the urine doesn't ACTUALLY come out of the vagina, but as a 23 year old, I'm still very unclear as to how that entire region works.) So for simplicity any sort of colored fluid coming out of any nether region is kind of disgusting. I will never forget sitting in the gas station next to the 7-Eleven in Somerville, NJ trying not to vomit as the magazine was pressed against the wheel and pee was seemingly flying at my face. Not good times.

My next awkward porn experience (not including several trips to Hooters, but those are chronicled here) came when I purchased a 13" combo TV from a black lesbian who may or may not have dealt drugs. I bought the TV for $20 and it had a huge burn on the front of it from "incense." I did not ask questions I wanted a 4th televison for my 1 bedroom apartment. Anyway, the TV contained a ...sexually explicit film from "DJ Yellow." (The tape was yellow too! Clever marketing wins again!) It was basically a hardcore black porn mixtape, with a cast of amateurs that made the actors in Four Christmases all seem like the venerable Ben Affleck. It was disgusting.

Ironically, it wasn't disgusting enough to NOT watch. My roommate found the same gross pleasure in watching obese black woman go down on unfathomable black penises while cameraman were clearly visible in the shot because of all the mirrors in these classy hotel rooms. We saw a lot of things we can never un-see (a pierced clitoris anyone?) and as a result of that, wanted to make sure that everyone that ever came over to our apartment would be made uncomfortable and eventually wanted to pour salt in their eyes.

The tape would subtly pop on during parties and guests would be confused as to why there were 2 televisions and watch for about 15 seconds before they realized what they were witnessing. Then Scott and I would hide the remote and cackle hysterically as different reactions turned up from our friends. Most of them were disgusted, a few found it funny and all immediately wanted it turned off.

Eventually the tape disappeared when a certain 3rd roommate took (and theoretically burned) the tape because his parents were coming and he could not bear the slight chance they decided to turn on our piece of shit TV and hit the play button on the VCR. That brings me to this weekend. For years, the internet has provided me with endless amounts of free porn but on Friday night I bought my first real porn tape.

I was sitting on my couch after a stressful night at work and I was bored. So bored that I started flipping through the "On Demand" channels on the cable box. Now it gets confusing because some of them are pay channels and some like "HD Showcase" are free and let's be honest I'll watch anything in HD (some might even argue you haven't lived until you've seen a meerkat give birth on National Geographic channel). I eventually arrived at the Adult on Demand and the idea of HD porn intrigued me to no end.

I clicked to see if there was any free porn and there was. A preview for all the different adult shows on that channel and apparently there are a TON of adult reality shows. I'm pretty sure there was one where a whore would go to an office and just fuck all the men, I'm not sure how this is NOT rape, but it's Adult on Demand, anything goes. There were several other short trailers that I can't remember and then I started to leaf through the channels within the channel. Amateur, MILFs, Large Black Cocks (it was really quite a smorgasbord of porn, tastefully done of course.) I clicked to the Amateurs section and was appalled by the selection until I came across a name I remembered from my youth, Briana Banks.

Now, I'm definitely not a porn connisseur (remember first porn I've ever bought), but through the internet and my listenership of Howard Stern I knew that Ms. Banks brought the goods. She was a real class act. There was a button at the bottom that side buy and I didn't really want to but for some reason I hate "B" to see what happened (I'm not sure of my though process here, buy it or don't buy it, there is no 3rd option). Magically it bought the movie and started loading, I immediately felt a pang of regret because I wasn't even in the mood for masturbating.

The regret got much deeper when I saw the price that will now appear on my next cable bill. I hope it read likes this:

Briana Banks Goes Amateur or Something
Purchased at 1 AM (By a lonely man).
COST: $10.99.

What made it even worse was that it was only available for a day or something. So I basically had to watch it then and there, and away I went. As soon as the video started I felt more regret as this wasn't HD at all. Even worse, apparently amateur doesn't mean, "young starlets in their first films", it means "hey we fucking shot this with a webcam glued to the side of Briana Banks' thigh, have fun watching balls slap assholes for the next hour."

And that's really all it was, balls and assholes for an hour. I fast forwarded the entire movie hoping to find one scene to masterbate to. However I came up empty and was forced to watch Briana Banks and 3 other terribly ugly girls get ass raped by 2 different guys in weird locations like a warehouse, a bed in the middle of a warehouse, a desk in the dungeon from Saw. I saw all of this in 4x speed because my cable box wouldn't let fast forward any faster.

So, if you happen to be interested in dating me and want to know my sexual interest, lets wrap this up:

No balls in assholes
No peeing AT or ON me.
No pierced Clitorii
No large black dicks.

I will never buy porn in any form ever again, mark my words.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Time I Hung Out With Britney Spears for One Hour and 30 Minutes of My LIfe and Then Immediately Wanted That Hour and 30 Minutes Back

By now, you should be well aware of my hatred for Ms. Britney Spears. Throughout my life she has been nothing but a burden (albeit a hysterical burden) and my seething hatred for this beast culminated on the night of the 08 VMA's when Britney Spears inexplicably won every award she was nominated for (this may or may not have included best new artist (reborn)). Britney TV would later go on to air a special to ensure that every American would love Britney again and of course I decided to numb my eyes and ears for awhile to live blog it. 

4:36 PM - The show opens with this "On the eve of the 2008 MTV VMA's Britney Spears "invited" a camera crew into her life (this is code for MTV threatned that she would never be a star again, unless she let them film her crazy). 

The film you're about to see (blow your brains out to) was captured over the next 60 days that followed. No topic was off limits (except drugs, sex, Kevin Federline, Justin Timberlake, Shaving Her Head and the 2 or 3 children she had). No question went unanswered (because the answers are edited out). 

4:39 PM - Mondrian Hotel - Britney looks out over a window in her $1500/night hotel room, feel bad for her people! SHES CRAZY. 

4:40 PM - Britney lets us know that she doesn't want people to think she's crazy, there have been some misconceptions (we WERE NOT supposed to take the head shaving thing the way we did). 

BRITNEY FOR THE RECORD (AKA one long infomercial for her new album). 

4:41 - Britney's Dad apparently lives with her and makes her grits, he explains what grits are and proceeds to wear a wifebeater and sunglasses inside around his neck. Britney loves the grits. 

4:42 - Britney prepares for her big night of her forced comeback. Britney doesn't believe this is a comeback, because she never really went away, except for those last 5 years where she didn't have a hit record. 

4:44 - Britney's trust has been battered and shes grown up "big time". Well you ARE 27, welcome to the real world. AT this point the gritty documentary shows how Britney is nervous before her big night, in her dressing room with 20 assistants taking care of her every whim. 

4:46 - She admits she's lonely and that why she let strange people run her life and she wants it to end, because shes been paying for it for too long....Millions of dollars and a year a later she thinks its been too long. I hope someone knocks her back down to reality, maybe stick her in a trailer in Louisiana. She'll learn. I swear she will. 

4:48 - Britney tries out dancers for her new tour or video or something. What this really is, is a try out for a new husband. 

4:49 - Britney has good days AND bad days. (MTV SAYS SHES JUST LIKE US). 

4:50 - Holy shit she said the word Justin. She admits that when she got dumped she had no idea what do, but to be fair I'd feel the same way if a white man with corn rows dumped me. Holy shit, she just said Kevin (MTV PUSHING BOUNDARIES). She didn't take that breakup well (I was unaware of that). 

Nothing is really happening at the moment and I already want to turn this drivel off. I have realized that Britney kinda has fat arms (its tougher to airbrush video than photos). 

4:53 - Britney got married for the wrong reasons (cock) and it lead her on a "weird path." She never got to see him. Wouldn't that be a good thing?

4:54 - Britney apparently recorded her entire album in like a week in September, 2 months before the cd comes out. Real musicians spend 2 years writing and recording an album. (MTV SAYS BRITNEY IS A REAL ARTIST). 

4:56 - Oh god, shes talking about the shaved head scenario. She claims that everyone shaves their head and that its no ones business but the crack reporter interviewing her decides not to ask the obvious follow up question (then why did you shave your head at a public hair salon and give the paparazzi a face that will forever be compared to batboy.)

4:59 - Dancing is spirtual for Britney and Britney needs to learn to make herself happy (soundtrack provided by Four Tet) and it's getting real heavy in here with this techno/piano backbeat. 

5:01 - Britney calls herself an artist. No joke necessary. 

I'm skipping the commercials for blog sake but we are 25 minutes of content in and on the 5th commercial break. Have I mentinoned I hate MTV? If you are wondering if I'm in fact supporting MTV by blogging and DVR-ing this show, I am not. I took the liberties of downloading this program as illegaly as possible to ensure MTV would get no money at all. 

5:04 - Britney can't go anywhere y'all! (MTV SAYS: FEEL BAD FOR BRITNEY SHE MAKES MILLIONS BUT SHE CANT WALK DOWN STREET TO SPEND SAID MILLIONS. SHE CAN NOT INTERNET SHOP BECAUSE SHE IS UNAWARE OF SAID INTERNET). 

5:05 - Britney tries out her new fragrance but gives a smelly face while saying "I like it."

5:06 - Britney is stalked by paparazzi and this is actually a little frightening how many there are. Sidebar: Who in their right, moral mind would become a paparazzi photog? "Hey, I know, I'll stalk people for a living, make them fear for their lives, battle 50 other people doing the same exact thing and maybe get paid $1000 for the picture." This session concludes with an angry black man yelling at Britney's people for not letting him take a picture of her. 

5:09 - Interviewer calls Britney a victim but she claims she is not and then he says "oh I didn't mean that, I meant you are stronger than that." A million dollars said this interviewer is her father. 

5:11 - Britney goes shopping and apparently doesnt remember her wardrobe at home. Britney then proclaims that she will retire and be a lawyer. (MTV SAYS: LOOK AT THIS FUN, SHOPPING BRITNEY. SHE SHOPS LIKE YOU EXCEPT WITH MORE ZEROS IN HER BANK ACCOUNT.)

5:14- Britney enjoys a night at the theatre. Followed by 100 of her closest friends with cameras. Sometimes she just likes to be spontaneous y'all. 

5:16 - Britney was a "cool chick," back in the day but the paparazzi took that all away from her. SIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. She likes going out but she cant stay too long because its not real!

5:17 - Britney films Womanizer with her father looking on (this time sporting TWO pairs of sunglasses inside, and around his neck.) He calls his daugther a hooker. She would later prove this true by stripping down naked in front of him and writhing around in a bathroom naked for the video.

5:18 - Britney starts cracking jokes and her assistants are forced into uncontrollable laughter. (MTV SAYS: BRITNEY IS SO FUNNY SHE SHOULD STAR ON THE CHAPPELLE SHOW OR BLUE COLLAR COMEDY, MTV IS NOT SURE WHICH.)

5:21 - Britney sleeps in. Sometimes she has a hard time waking up. "How you deal and cope? I Just cope everyday." She is afraid her happiness will be taking away, once and for all proving she is a pop construct that could be filled by anyone with a vagina Double D's and blond hair (Jessica Simpson). 

5:22 - Britney starts to cry. "I'm sad." Everyday is like groundhog day and she can't do what she wants. Apparently Britney is 12 inside after blowing her early 20's on her own snorting cocaine thrown 12 foot golden straws and blowing Kevin Federline on a bi monthly basis. 

5:25 - Britney is bordering on saying that she hates her children and hated going home to them. They'll look back on this someday and learn to hate their mother, just like Uncle Kelson. Speaking of her children, they haven't made an appearance yet and we are at Day 49 of 60. Did she just abandon them for 2 months?

5:28 - Madonna gets interviewed. I am so bored right now, I've started updating my resume to see if I can become a pop star. Would I like good with frosted tips? Check yes___ or no___. 

5:30 - Apparently Madonna fake plays guitar at her concerts. This is an interesting subplot. 

5:31 - Britney dresses up as ???? for Halloween, Elvira maybe? Britney claims its someone named Veronia Newbeach. I think its an alter ego. Less than a minute later Daddy Spears comes up to the side door in a scary as shit, I'm gonna rape you Clown Mask and belly bearing referee jersey. Needless to say, he scares the children and Britney finds it HILARIOUS. (MTV SAYS: WE WILL CREATE A MOTHER OF THE YEAR AWARD AT THE VMAS NEXT YEAR JUST SO BRITNEY CAN WIN.)

5:34 - Britney chooses to be a happy person, strange because 20 minutes ago she hated herself and her kids. 

5:35 - Britney gets silly again kids. She's filming a video for "Circus" and playing around with hairspray (what she isn't saying is that she is very familiar with hairspray, not applying it to her head though, just huffing it. 

5:37 - Britney nods her head like a crazy person to try to convince us she's ok. They are starting to wrap this up by saying how strong Britney is and how shes BACK. She ends her segment by saying she goes through life like a karate kid. SHES SO FUNNY. Let's check in with MTV for the last word. 

MTV SAYS: BRITNEY USED TO BE YOUR HERO 10 YEARS AGO KIDS, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? WELL OUR RATINGS OUR SAGGING AFTER THE LAST THREE INFERNO'S ENDED IN SOME UNTIMELY AND UNFORTUNATE DEATHS, SO NOW BRITNEY IS BACK AND MTV WILL ONCE AGAIN BE A MUSIC CHANNEL (FOR BRITNEY). OUR NEW WINTER LINEUP WILL INCLUDE HER TWO NEW VIDEOS EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR BACK TO BACK, AS WELL AS DAILY AIRINGS OF BRITNEY FOR THE RECORD (TO PROVE EVERYDAY HOW NORMAL SHE REALLY IS). YOU LOVE BRITNEY, WE LOVE BRITNEY, PLEASE WATCH US AGAIN. 


Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Time I Went Out

It's not often that agoraphobic recluses like myself venture out into the wild (aka, public). So this weekend's outing was quite deserving of a blog post. Let's recap all of Saturday's action: 

11 AM - Go to work at the Pizza place, work the worst shift possible (11 AM to 4 PM) and deal with a bunch of unruly customers that decided to be unruly for the sake of being unruly. How were they unruly you ask? Well, I made two deliveries to a school and in the combination of those two deliveries had to deal with:

1. Pizzas "slid" around in the box (confusing because the pizzas literally have no room to move in the box and I didn't flip them over and try to shake them like they do to your Blizzards at your local Dairy Queen establishment. So...yea). 

2. Pizzas were late (even though my ticket said "DROP PIZZAS OFF AT 11:30" and I was there at 11:30 on the dot, I still had to hear "Oh good they are FINALLY here," as I thought to myself "oh good I hope they FINALLY cut your ovaries off from drinking semen.") What made this worse was the simple fact that the store opens at 11 and 15 pizzas dont get magically made in 20 minutes. They were lucky to get them that early. 

3. Something weird about the price, the lady at my store claimed that we gave them a price that was too cheap, chastised us for it, even though the order was placed the day before and none of us were there, and wrote in bold letters on the new order THIS IS FOR A CHURCH. I was told to tell them about the price difference when I went back (I was very excited at this opportunity, because clearly they were not nit picking anything.)It turns out that the SCHOOL I was delivering to was a school and not a CHURCH and the first price was right, so I had to deal with them giving me less money than my ticket said and not being sure that it was gonna work out when it came time to cash out. 

4. When I went to the school each time, they took my copy of the receipt (they don't get a copy unless they request one before hand, which they did not) then called the store to claim they didnt get a receipt and then when I asked them about it in person, they didn't know what I was talking about. 

5. The second time I went, the pizzas were not marked on the outside AND were cut into the wrong number of slices even though we had a clear discussion at the store about the correct number of slices. "THIS IS IN 16th's NOT 8th's." Even though it was actually in 12ths, school events = good math!. 

Later on, I got to drive back to a house after delivering wings because I did not put a packet of ranch in the bag and of course these trailers dont have refrigeration and are unable to keep ranch dressing of their own. 

I also got to go on a delivery where I was greeted by a woman wearing a half mask and a tracheotomy tube. She spoke normally, but invited me in and explained why she wasnt giving me a good tip (the holidays). Funny, I would've gone with the economy or the tube in your throat. By the time I got back to the store, she had called to say that the pizzas looked horrible and she wanted another one (but instead of getting 2 Large again, she got 1 medium), I took it back had to deal with her throat hole blinking at me and departed to go to job number 2 to prepare for our office Xmas party. 

4 PM - Xmas party setup.

The joyous part of doing manual hotel labor is that people like to have company Xmas parties on weekends in December to ensure that you do not get a vacation. Also joyous, was the fact that we had OUR company Xmas party and I had to setup (and later on, clean) for it. If you are wondering how this ranks on the shitty scale, I would say about an 8.5. It goes like this "Hey we got this free meal for you, BUT you are gonna have to prepare the meal and then clean all of your own and all of your co-worker's dishes, but Merry Christmas!" Honestly, I would rather belly slide down a gravel hill, but that's the way the Christmas party shitacular crumbles. 

Also fun to note that I have some how had to work 3 out of 7 weekends (instead of 3 out of 9) and it's ALWAYS my weekends that are busy, I would say 1 out of the other 4 weekends were busy, and my weekends (when I'm the only one who works) are filled with doing fun things like collecting 65 easels and cleaning up over 1000 ft of cable for a party for my co workers. Good times!

5:30 - I had to return home to get ready for the party and I will skip the rest of this part for fear of real life consequences. Just know that I thought I actually resembled a young, slightly overweightish Brad Pitt (but not really Brad Pitt, I just thought I looked reasonably fuckable). I also killed it on the comedy scale, but this was aided by an open bar for my co workers and a sheer awkwardness that would make even the stalwart Tim McGraw on Saturday Night Live cringe (if you missed his appearance a few weeks ago, be aware that there is a HUGE reason he always wears a cowboy hat that may or may not be related to Brokeback Mountain.)

9 PM - Going out. 

My dear friend Ryan Boyd was on some sort of fanatical soul searching/looking for prostitutes road trip with his friend who wants to be a cop in DC (high crime rates be damned!). He invited me to McCouls, which I went to reluctantly, but went because the Xmas party blew. I arrived and was immediately shaken because I couldn't find him and when I did, he was eating at a table that had no available chairs, also I wasn't aware this was a dinner function. Stay calm Kelson, stay calm. 

I chatted Ryan up a bit, made some homosexual gestures to get him to feel just a little uncomfortable and settled into a comedic grove that can only be described as heroin era Chris Farley. (Apparently regaling people with stories from my blog is a good ice breaker, also loud shouts at inappropriate times and looking attractive enough to make women not want to instantly vomit their Irish Car Bombs up.) I realized that I kind of/sort of knew everyone there.

There was Ryan (roommate of my ex girlfriend), Jenn (friend of my ex girlfriend), Casey (ex girlfriend of a kid I knew 4 years ago, Kelsey (I once sang her a bedtime song 3 years ago and then we had an art class), Bethany (ex girlfriend of Ryan) and Kiersten (friend of Ryan who I had previously met.) Aside from telling my stories, like an Nam vet reliving the war, I showcased the endless possibilities of my iPhone (again I will be writing a 10,000 word essay on why this phone is awesome), played gay porn hunt and preceded to bring a round of merriment to all involved, which is kind of like Satan chaperoning girl scouts on his day off (doesn't happen often, mostly because Satan works so hard). 

I also fell in love with the bartender, which some people might find normal considering my pension for brunettes, but this brunette was different. He had a beard. And an emo swoop. Oh, be still my heart, he was controlling the music all night and his iPod was basically a mirror of mine. I dreamed out loud that I hoped he liked me and then I told him I didn't drink when he started taking orders and he said do you want a coke, its on the house? (I said no, trying to play coy). Later, I went up to the bar, asked for a coke and it WAS on the house (OMG HE LIKES ME). I gave him a $3 tip and decided that I needed him in my band, when I asked if he played he said he used to and that he used to play metal. GAH! So close, I told him his iPod rocked and he told me it rocked like high school and I might have screamed that I love high school and at this point he probably thought I was lying about not drinking or that I had a pension for Ecstasy. Either way, I did not see him the rest of the night. 

I started to get tired, started seeing Ryan less and started taking pictures with girls. I tried a variety of poses - the "crawling on top of you, here's my nipple" pose, the "turkey double chin" pose, the "creepy passer by in the background" and the "bloated John Belushi after 6 oz of heroin, 12 Big Macs and no shaving period, period." pose.

I decided I needed to go home because I had to go wash my co workers dirty dishes at 6 am the next morning and I got home at 12. 


Skip 5 hours and I finally get to sleep. 

6 AM - Wake up, damning myself for going out and then realizing that I don't drink and that I half admire all of you who do this on a weekly basis. Then again, you don't have to clean the shit out of your co workers diapers (while your co workers presumably sleep till 2 pm) early the next morning. 

The moral of the story is that I had fun and I would like to start hanging out with "people" in "bars" more in the "future." So please invite me, I promise I will make an undrunken scene and then write admiringly about you later on in this very blog! Win, win for all!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Time I Had A Thanksgiving Weekend

It's not often in the world of manual labor (that makes you feel like a 1920's Italian immigrant) that you get days off. In my job, it could be a Sunday afternoon, but someone wants to schedule a conference or a meeting to showcase how much money they are losing (and they spend thousands of dollars in the process of this). Luckily, for me, my sanity and the spines of prospective meeting holders, there were NO scheduled meetings from Tuesday - Sunday. I had a 4 day weekend (and if you are counting, I know that's 6 days but I worked Tuesday and Wednesday for a combined 5 hours, just so that my paycheck wouldn't look Kate Bosworth anorexic, and would stick to Lindsay Lohan anorexic, circa 2005).

The weekend was going to be glorious, free food on Thanksgiving, a Bobcats-Celtics game with RJ, and loads of copius gambling strewn about. A running account of my weekend as follows:

Wednesday:

I got off work at 10 am, proceeded to come home and sleep. And sleep and sleep. I slept till 3:30, then went to my new (old) job as a pizza delivery boy (yes, it's back). Apparently the day before Thanksgiving is the biggest pizza night of the year, because no one wants to cook the day before they are going to cook a huge meal. I got to the pizza place, sat around for about an hour before the deliveries started coming in heavy. I got 5 in 30 minutes, all in opposite directions, but thanks to my new iPhone (holy shit, I need to write an iPhone post...then proclaim my love for the most amazing invention ever), I was able to find directions quickly and efficiently.

Long story short I had 14 deliveries in the next 2 hours (I normally take about 10 in 4 hours) so it was busy. Then at 8:30 it was dead. I got to go home, counted up my money - $70 - and
returned home to see if there was any late basketball games to gamble on (because $70 in cash just seems tacky, I had to spend it right away). I bet on the Miami Heat (because Dwayne Wade is awesome) and they lost by about 50 points. Good times.

Thursday:

I got up early so that I could make the 4 hour trek down to the beach house in time for the the 12:30 football game. I loaded about 85% of all the clothes, sheets and towels I own into my car at 7:30 AM and was on the road by 8:30. (In case you are wondering, it had been a cool 6 weeks since I've done laundry and 2 weeks ago, when I was desperate I figured it would be easier and cheaper to do it for free at my parents house, rather than spend all day in a dirty laundromat where there is a better than 50% chance that glass would get broken over my head from a shooting).

I got there in time for the game to start and to witness my parents go into a panic cleaning mode because my grandparents were coming. I, being the good son I am, decided to not help at all and sit on the couch and rejoice in the fact that I was winning my bet. (This brings up another point, ignoring everything going on around you, just to gamble, seems like a problem of an addict, let's see how this plays out in the future.) An hour of vacuuming dog hair later (even though the floor was probably still 25% covered) there was finally peace. Appiteasers were served, the grandparents showed up and then we proceeded to wait on dinner, which didn't come out until 7 pm. (Let's just say I was hungry at 12:30 and a 6:30 wait was tough for a borderline husky, like myself).

Note: I stopped at Bojangles at 8:30 in the morning, which was a mistake because apparently people have Bojangles cook their turkey for them. Can you ever imagine having fast food turkey for Thankgiving? Would that be the pinnacle of your family's laziness/obesity? Also, if I worked at Bojangles I'd be so pissed I had to work on Thanksgiving that I'd probably lace each turkey with some form of diuretic. Needless to say, I waited a solid 20 minutes to get my goddamn chicken biscuit. Apparently $40 is not too much to pay for a small fucking turkey with 8 lbs of seasoning on it.

Thursday concluded with me showing my grandparents how my iPhone works, them being simply amazed that I had a program that could figure out which music they liked just based on one song and then me sleeping on a couch with a pillow that apparently had a potato sack for a pillow case.

Friday

Friday I woke up a mere 6 hours after falling asleep due entirely to hearing a dog yelp for what seemed like a minute. My mother, not wanting to cause a disturbance, quickly ushered the dogs out of the house and would not return for 1 hour and 30 minutes (we would also discover she neglected to take a coat and was walking around in 40 degree weather at 5:30 in the morning). If it were me (and of course it will never be me, because I am done owning unruly pets) I would let them bark, you can only do so much to make guests feel at home before you fly off the handle and intentionally try to contract frostbite.

We then had breakfast, I asked for hash browns and bacon, but the bacon was microwaved (gross) and the hash browns had peppers and onions in them which are right up there with eating human hair on my lists of things I like to eat. I then decided it was time to leave and I collected my leftovers (which will literally last me every meal for a week), but not before my grandma tried to keep some (apparently she isn't use to the new family rule that states: Kelson shall receive all Thanksgiving leftovers because he is poor and starving and this will literally feed him for a week). So essentially, my grandma was trying to starve me so she could make a turkey sandwich later that day.

I drove back home, got back at 2 PM and went to take a nap. I didn't set an alarm, because why should I? So I slept til 10 pm. Of course I wasn't even remotely tired so I was up till 5 am, watching movies and playing video games. I fell asleep for an hour and then continued on with my laborious day of masturbation, movies and eating leftovers. I took off for Charlotte at 3 PM, met up with RJ, went out to eat at Friendly's and I got this:
That's right, I got a happy ending (with full release) at Friendly's. I feel like a family restaurant, may want to be more careful in naming their desserts. So after both RJ and I got our happy ending, we headed over to the Bobcats game.

Normally, Bobcats games are less than half of capacity. However, the recent phenomenon in the sports world is that Boston fans creep out of the woodwork whenever a Boston team comes into a city (this is completely due to the fact that the city has won 6 championships in the last 5 years.) So, essentially, you have a bunch of bandwagon fans that know the stars and like to be drunk and obnoxious, because that's the only thing they know how to do.

It was easy to spot the Boston fans (Red Sox hat - preferably green, Patriots Jersey or green shirt) and some, the REAL poseurs thought this was a fashion show, wore either P-Coats with skinny jeans and some sort of dress shoes or WORE FLANNEL. I can't tell you how many of them wore flannel to a basketball game. Apparently they got ready for this game by watching Celtic Pride (starring Damon Wayans) on repeat for a week.

They were pretty annoying, but were kept under control because Boston was losing for a significant part of the game and only won by 4 against one of the worst teams in the league, nothing to be proud of.

On the way home, I decided to stop at Wal Mart because I had seen that both Madden and NBA Live 09 were on sale for $30 instead of of $60. I went in (at 11 pm, to enhance my geekiness) and saw $30 "Select games on sale" signs next to Madden and Live and went to purchase them. The total rang up as $117. I noted that I think they were $30, even though there was no clear sign that said Madden = $30, it was just sort of in the vicinity. But the lady was tired, saw the sign and gave it to me for $30, I later saw the circular and said Madden 09 - $30 FRIDAY 5 AM - 11 AM ONLY. But when you don't take down your signs, you get hosed. BOOM.

I came home went to bed.

Sunday

Today is Sunday, I am catching up on chores (I still haven't put my 8 loads of laundry away) and gambling my brains out.

It's been a good weekend (Italian Immigrant good).

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Time I Was Accosted at Sheetz (The Gas Station), Part 1

Part 1 in the continuing series of me being accosted at gas stations across North Carolina continues....NOW.

So the first time I was accosted at a Sheetz was about two months ago. I was on my way to Chapel Hill again, to play rock music, and saw cheap gas, so I stopped at the same Sheetz. Now this was way back when gas prices were starting to drop, and we, being a desperate public, never knew when it was going to level off. So there were lines at each pump 2 and 3 cars deep.

This Sheetz had approximately 12 pumps, so there were a ton of people waiting in line. Lets make that clear. (While we are making things clear, we should also point out that I'm about as patient as a British TV personality making fun of retarded Americans on FOX.) So, I really wanted to just move on, but I was low on gas and someone had already pulled in behind me.

I found a pump where the guy was just getting out of his car. I thought, "OK, at most this will take 3 minutes." Wrong. First, the man was pushing 75 and walked like two canes were taped to the back of his knees and tucked neatly into his shoes. After a good 30 seconds he made his way over to the pump and fidgeted with the pump. (When you are anxious like I am, the things that tick you off build easily and are normally very small). So Cane Legs took another minute figuring out how to get this darned contraption to operate. 2 minutes later, the pump pops and luckily he is still standing there to speed the process along.

He packs it up, starts to waddle back to his car, opens the door (I'm thinking, YES YES YES). Then sticks his bengay in the car and starts walking towards the inside of the Sheetz. (Now, a sane thought would be that he was going to pay for it, BUT I saw him use a credit card, and even if he was paying cash, you should have prepaid, read the signs Ebenezer). He starts towards the Sheetz, gets 10 steps, before walking back. Thank god, I silently proclaim.

He then opens his drivers side door and starts talking to someone, they chat for a good minute, before he heads back towards the store. At this point I'm sitting here for a good 6 minutes and the cars who pulled up at the same time as me are now leaving and there is nothing in this world that gives me a greater sense of panic that staying motionless while everyone is able to move. As he creeps away, I yell out the window "Excuse me sir." Nothing. "EXCUSE ME." Nothing.

A good 5 seconds later when the sound passes through his hearing aid, he turns around but at this point hes too far to have a good talking to. So he goes inside. I wait for a minute and then decide to turn off my car, get out and sit on my hood. (Mostly to prove a point when he gets back). Another minute passes and I decide to go see if the person he was talking to in the car could possibly move it. I walk up to it, look in the front see nothing. I then look in the back and see a women completely bundled in plaid blankets up to her neck with sunglasses on. I immediately wondered if they were secretly filming Weekend at Bernie's 4.

I decided it would be inappropriate to knock on the window and try to wake a sleeping corpse so I start to head back to my car, when out of nowhere a dog jumps up against the window (from the inside). It was a little yippy thing, so I wasn't scared, but could this get weirder?

Yes. After another minute, (total up to about 12 at this point). I walk into the store to find this man. As soon as I walk in, I see him standing at the register. Perfect, he's almost done. I walk back to my car get in, turn it back on and wait.

Another 3 minutes go bye. A guy pulls up next to me and says "Man you've been here forever." I'm pretty sure he is about the 8th car to get gas in the line closest to me. Pump 8 total = 1. Pump 9 total = 8. Fantastic.

Feeling an oncoming panic attack I find a pump a few places down that I am quickly able to back into (with no line). I fill up, drive off and check to see if Old Man River has left yet. Nope. So if you were scoring at home, thats a solid 20 minutes this man wasted at a gas pump during a high traffic time. The best part? He will never realize it because he thought he was paying a nickel to go to see Charlie Chaplin's new flick!

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Time I Was Accosted at Sheetz (The Gas Station), Twice

This is a two part story about Sheetz. I'm going to tell you the second part first, as it is the more amazing part of the story and literally made me speed out of the Sheetz parking lot faster than Miley Cyrus gives away her virginity to the first 20 something with a cock and a fistful of condoms that knocks on her door.

Part 2: Today, I was at Sheetz. Sheetz is a gas station that is kind of like Wawa for you northerners. It is so cozy and friendly, that they let your order ready made sandwiches from your gas pump (unfortunately for the truly obese, they do NOT bring it out to you). I decided to stop at Sheetz on the way to Chapel Hill because they always have the cheapst gas ($1.73). As I pull in, I see only one spot open, all the way on the opposite end, so I pull and take it. No problems here.

I get out of the car only to find a black man with an odd look on his face. He looks and me and sort of grunts and I sort of grunt back and continue on my gas pumping ways. I then notice him staring at my license plate, peeking around the corner of the pump and talking out loud. I assumed he was on a bluetooth (because who isnt nowadays?) and continued on my business. Then as soon as I pull my credit card out, he approaches me. I will re-enact this scene in the form of a movie script.

Kelson: PULLS OUT CREDIT CARD. GOES TO SWIPE. ODD LOOKING BLACK MAN COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE GAS PUMP.

OLBM: Yo, some peoples been hassing me on the highway.

Kelson: Huh?

OLBM: Peoples with the license plate WX sumthin, been harassing me on the highway recently. WXT or WXL. Always WX.

Kelson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

OLDBM: LOOKS INTO KELSON'S CAR, PEERING IN AT THE PERSONAL EFFECTS TO SEE IF KELSON HAS BROUGHT SOME HARASSING TOOLS.

Kelson: Oh, Do I have WX something plates? I don't even know. LOOKS AT PLATES.

OLBM: Yeah, you people been coming up to me all over the place the last few weeks, keeping an eye on me, thats why you pulled up next to me right here. You one of them.

Kelson: SCARED SHITLESS. Sir, I'm not in any sort of group that's been harassing you, I've never met you before in my life nor would I be in any sort of group that would want to harass you. KELSON PREPARES TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT HE VOTED FOR OBAMA.

OLBM: Well, you keeping an eye on me, but we got eyes on you all the time too. Trust that. You won't see em but they're there.

Kelson: DRYING URINE ON PANTS. Sir, I didn't chose my license plates, the state gave them to me, it's unfortunate that you are getting harassed by anyone, let alone people with the same license plates, but I'm not even from around here, so I dont have anything to do with that.

OLBM: Alright. EXTENDS HAND FOR FIST BUMP. Peace and love then.

Kelson: FISTS BUMPS. Gets back in car and drives away, even though he wanted to check to see if Sheetz has Jolt.

SCENE.

Part 1 tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Time I Became A Gambling Addict

Let's be honest here. I am not a wealthy man and my future has already given me a big thumbs down on being able to afford health insurance in the next..oh, 4 years. So with that in mind, I turn to a more lucrative form of income (apart from the hundreds I make per month at my real job!). I've decided to become a professional gambler (it makes the ladies swoon and the MOB bosses pay a lot of attention to you at the same time. It kills two birds with one stone, Money woes? GONE. Need for constant attention? GONE! Daily fear of waking up with only one kneecap? HERE TO STAY!)

The urge started one Sunday morning when a friend told be about an online betting website. The mention was enough to get me (if thats not a sign of a compulsive gambler in training, I don't know what is) and I dropped $20 into the account and promised I would not add anymore, I would just play until it ran out. But I funny thing happened. I won, 5 times in a row.

Before I knew it i was up to a whopping $65 in tainted off-shore money. Ah the sweet smell of victory, I completely tossed the notion of beginners luck to the side and started betting on basketball (I was previously betting on football). Betting on basketball was not a great idea. With football, betting on the game makes it more interesting to watch, with basketball, I was betting on games played 3000 miles from my shanty in Greensboro, NC and I would estimate I refreshed NBA.com somewhere between 400 and 457 times in the span of the 2 and a half hour game. Needless to say, my computer hated me and the Houston Rockets by the close of the night. But I won again. Up to $70!

By this time I was drunk with power, I started to look for bets that paid off the biggest, but still had a legitimate chance of winning. Enter the 6-0 Atlanta Hawks vs the Boston Celtics. I bet the Hawks to win, I put up $5, I win $35 if the Hawks win. Fast forward to another night spent with the computer monitor acting as my best friend (more nights like this will surely result in a bout of epilepsy for me) and 7 seconds left in the game. The Hawks up 1. The Celtics get the ball, make the shot with .5 seconds left. I would've been over $100, I would've taken $80 out and gone back to $20 and played from there, but no, my demise started right then and there. I soon lost 4 in a row and I was down to $30 (I can't even buy luxury items that I need (like Loufas and soap) for $30).

I am currently taking it easy as this whole entire series of events has taken place in less than 2 weeks. I feel like an addict that has gone through all the emotions of my 12 step program but I seem to end up back at the beginning, praying to the god of gambling (Pete Rose). Last night I stayed up till 12, knowing I had to wake up at 5, just to see if I won $5 (I did! The system works!). I know I have a problem, albeit a manageable one (I'm not ever going into more than a $20 debt, and yes, I know, I'm saying that NOW. But I won't). I am stable, I am a good gambler. I can do this. And yes, I DID just convince myself I'm ok. I am the Amy Winehouse of gambling (except without all the hair, and with more teeth. But same amount of black tar heroin).

Saturday, November 01, 2008

The Time I Got Rid Of My Cat

As I've told you in blog posts, I got a new cat, to replace an old cat that I liked. The new cat is sweet but apparently decides to call upon Satan himself, when he is not met with the right amount of love on a daily basis. The last time he caused me significant brain hemorrhaging was when he shit and pissed (two separate occasions, two sets of sheets, one day) on the bed because we were not touching him in the right places at the right times.

It's been a few months since that enormous event. But since then he has managed to somehow jump into my ottoman, and then claw his way out of it, leaving a tear reminiscent of an eclipse (Van Gogh Kitty). He also shreds plastic bags on a daily basis meaning that when I take the garbage out, I get to tap dance around dripping garbage extracts as they fall to the ground. Recently, I left chicken out to defrost, perhaps in the hopes of being able to eat a meal that didn't consist of food like Whoppers, Ho-Ho's or any sort of fast food product that has been putting me on the fast track to Adult Onset Diabetes. When I got home the chicken was on the side of the refrigerator and was so badly mangled that I mistook it for some sort of refrigerator mold growth.

To top it off my recent bout of 10 hour work days has left the cat alone from dawn till dusk and thus once again, he shit the bed. The night before he shit the bed, he dropped a warning sign, he shit right in FRONT of the bed. Luckily I found it with my foot and smeared it in the carpet. Unsurprisingly it ranks up there with shoving spiders down my throat or being stuck in an elevator with Mariah Carey for 12 hours on the list of things I do not need to do before I die.

So now I'm trying to get rid of him. I asked Amelia if she would want him, and realizing that he is a handful, she politely declined. I emailed his old owners who always claimed they would want him if I didn't, I explained his neediness and that I think going back to a home with 8 other cats would help. They offered to give me another cat. This is similar to giving a Sudanese refugee a jar of flies (they already have enough on their face).

I've posted things on Craigslist and got 3 responses, which I followed up with and none of them have called me back (kind of like what my dating life will be for the forseeable future!). But as much as I can't stand the cat right now, I still have to determine what would be a good home for him, because I'm not yet at the point where the answer to that question is "any home but this one." I dont want to give him to a family with some child that will skin him or put a dress on him, I don't want a family that doesnt have another cat or a small child. It would be helpful if the family had lots of wood that need sanding since his tongue is on external objects more often than not.

So, in closing, if you would like a cat that is so abnormally sweet that he will be on/in you at all times and gets ticked off enough when he is not on/in you he destroys things for attention, then boy do I have a cat for you.

Friday, October 31, 2008

The Time I Had the Scariest Halloween (Ever)

Halloween is widely known as the scariest day of the year for most of the human race (boxing day is equally frightful for Canadians). So to celebrate in the fun I'll talk about the scariest Halloween I've ever had, which just happened to be this year! (Coincidence much?) This is just a recap of the all the scary things that happened on Halloween, and only could've happened BECAUSE it was Halloween. Those pagan gods are nothing, if not timely.

On to the scary good times:

1. I woke up at 5 am, to head to my 11th straight day of work. I've been working at least 9-10 hour days each day, so needless to say I was pretty excited to work all day and come home and take my frustrations out by throwing candy at little children. (Hint: Freeze "Smarties". They sting like a bitch when they are hurled at 43 MPH at a child's eye.

2. The good news about working all those hours is the large sum of overtime hours I would be receiving in a monetary sum, on this the last day of the month. When I checked my bank account I got a scary surprise in the form of $300 short. Long story short (because I tend to prattle on) I asked my boss and it seems like he may or may not be "innocently" changing hours on our time clock. To make the prank more fun he dressed up as Saddam Hussein.

3. I cleaned dishes for the first time in close to 3 weeks. The scary part here? A rust ring in the sink from a pot. Faaaaaaaaaantastic. I also cleaned the garbage can out which had a smell eerily similar to that of a vomit filled diaper. To celebrate Halloween I dry heaved for the next 4 minutes.

4. I didn't want to deal with children. I had my heart broken last year when I bought 3 bags of candy, had NO children come to my door (even though 2 lived next door) and ended up consuming close to 4000 calories by the end of the night. You know what they say about King Size Snickers (when you pop, the fun don't stop!). Thus, I didnt want to put out candy this year (also I forgot to buy it) and since I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, I didn't want to just not answer the door as little kids threatened to break it down in the hope of the only love they'll ever know (chocolate). So I went and saw Zach and Miri Make A Porno.

5. The movie was pretty good, but it was what happened at the movie theater that made this an extra scary night. As I got out of my car I dropped my iPod from what seemed to be about 9 feet in the air (which is weird, because I'm only 6' 2" but I swear it dropped from over my head). It clunked to the pavement and I picked it up to find nothing wrong with it. Fast forward 2 hours, I come out of the theater turn on my Ipod and find it decorated with dead pixels that could be mistaken for dried blood. Spoooooky.

6. As I was pulling out I looked at the car to my left. It had this sticker "Member of the Christian Hunters Association." Nothing could be scarier than shooting coons for christ.

7. I stopped at CVS on the way home to pick up a delicious Coke Zero (no calories!) and I bared witness to two scary events. First, the guy in front of me paid for a Cadburry Egg (wrong goddamn holiday asshole) with a credit card. Shockingly, he had a credit card. Second, because of the fact that I know no one with in a 25 mile radius of my house and thus would not be going to any parties (also due to my crippling fear of social situations), I saw the only slutty girl costume on the CVS check out girl. A nurse's outfit with fishnets. How daring, yet classy at the same time. (That one was more sad than scary, what would've been scarier is if she had actually looked me in the eye.)

8. I am currently sitting here at 9:39 on Halloween night, alone and the only thought that keeps running through my head is "How late do these damn kids come around till?" So it turns out I'm 65 and hate when kids step on my lawn.

Happy Halloween. (If you are reading this POST halloween night, I hope that you banged some chick in a Sarah Palin costume that was made up from a Lace boustier for a "jacket", stripper heels, the librarian glasses (of course) and some sort of micro mini made of pleather that will be passed off as a skirt.)

Thursday, October 02, 2008

The Time I Kept on Eye on the Lady Keeping an Eye on Russia

So, that break lasted all of 3 days. With the most important election of my lifetime coming up I have decided to live blog the event to commemorate the occasion. Sarah Palin is shaping up to be the best mocked politician in years, and I'm not saying I'm not voting Republican, I'm just saying saying that she gave birth to a retarded child and genes run in the family (Isn't one retard President this decade enough...? And yes, I know I've already reserved my seats next to Liza Minnelli (weird looking) and Clay Aiken (gay) in hell.)

I've chosen NBC and the least annoying host (Brian Williams) as my pleasure watching channel tonight. Let's tune in.

10 PM - Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams try to break down this debate by listing the attributes of the VP nominees. I guarantee that if I was watching ABC, Chris Berman would bust out his 2 Minute Drill to discuss how Sarah "I'm Not Balin'" Palin will react down the stretch.

10:04 - The nominees come out and Palin greets Biden and says "Can I call you Joe?" Someone should tell her this is not a Parent-Teacher conference.

10:05 - First question discusses the economic crisis we are currently in. (I think we are in a crisis, I'm not sure because if you ask a republican they'll be too busy counting their fucking airplanes). He duely notes that this issue is due to the last 8 years of George Bush.

10:06 - Palin responds by using a metaphor. "Imagine you are at your children's soccer game.." Does Sarah Palin have any other facet other than "soccer/hockey mom?" I think not. (Important note from Amelia - Palin always wears too much makeup. This is obvious because the sweat is currently melting her face.)

10:09 - I don't recall ever watching a debate before, but I'll admit this kind of sucks. It's just finger pointing (Sarah Palin - JOHN MCCAIN DID THIS, YOU SENATOR, DID NOT, Joe Biden - I've actually been in the senate, why are you wearing a dress, Hilary would be wearing a pants suit.) Then they both say who voted for what. It's good times.

10:11 - Let's count the number of times Palin says maverick. One.

10:12 - Palin uses the term "Joe Six-Pack." Which is frightening because umm... a lot of guys drink beer and ummm consider themselves Joe Six Pack. (These people also like to buy HDTV to mount on their trailer walls).

10:14 - I don't like this woman's bangs. Does she not have another look? Is she hiding something on her forehead.

10:16 - My first "Oh my God" moment tonight. Biden (and the moderator) accuses Palin of not answering questions and Biden gives her a chance to respond (after she blatantly lied about McCain's voting record (accusing Obama of voting for things, that McCain also voted for)). She then says "I may not be answering questions the way you want to hear, moderator and Joe Biden, but I'm talking straight to the American people." Ladies and Gentleman, meet your new Vice President.

10:18 - Palin doesn't want to raise taxes. She tells me that the goverment will raise taxes and that's a bad thing. What makes me sad is that most people just don't want higher taxes, thousands of people will vote strictly based on the fact that they dont want higher taxes. What Palin leaves out is that raised taxes from the democrats are mostly aimed at the wealthy, oh like John McCain (and his wife's $300,000 Dress. Yes, I said dress. You know someone manages their money well when they spend 10x your yearly salary on a one time outfit.)

10:20 - Moderator brings up healthcare and Palin scoffs at the obviously ridiculous of universal healthcare Obama is proposing. I think it went something like this:

JOHN McCAIN WILL GIVE YOU a $5,000 tax credit towards your health insurance.
OBAMA WANTS UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE MEANING EVERYONE IN AMERICA GETS HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU MIGHT PAY MORE IN TAXES IN EXCHANGE FOR UNIVSERAL HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOO.

(Side Bar: I recently looked up how much it would cost to extend my health insurance through my parents plan. $447. A MONTH. Guess how much it would cost in Canada? Yeah... about 250 Molsons less aka $0.)

10:26 - Palin is currentl smiling at Biden's rebuttal. That coy smile that says "oh Joe, you just DONT know what you are talking about." (In case you didn't notice, I hope this cunt gets eaten by a polar bear.

10:28 - Biden references the Bridge to Nowhere that Palin fucked up in Alaska. It gets a laugh. Score one for the dems (mostly for the ingenuity of making fun of Palin AND being referential. I'm so proud.)

10:30 - Palin explains how she stopped the oil companies in Alaska (she obviously forgot that she was for drilling for oil in Alaska.)

10:32 - Exxon Mobil has made $600 Billion since 2001. John McCain is giving them a $4 billion tax break. I want to believe this is true, so I won't look this up. Let's stamp this fact.

10:36 - Palin dodges another question to return to the energy question brought up 7 minutes ago. She demands that will destroy nature (paraphrasing) and become an energy independent country. (Are we susceeding from the rest of the world? No more imports for us! Fuck you world. We have our own oil!)

10:39 - Climate situation. Palin - deflects. Biden - Cause is man made. (I think I might marry this man, someone get me a ring. And get Palin a copy of An Inconvenient Truth.)

10:41 - This moderator is feisty, calling out both VPs2B (i made that up myself, sound it out, I'll give you a second) on their energy pasts.

10:44 - Same sex benefits to couples. Biden - "Absolutely" (I seriously might love this man and all his political lies.) Palin - Not comfortable with it if it moves closer to Gay marriage being legal. She then tells about how she has some friends, that may not agree with her. (I just found the McCain/Palin playbook - McCain - be old, Palin - RELATE TO WOMEN. NOW. ALL THE TIME. NOW.)

10:46 - Both do not support Gay marriage. That's sad. Although if the democrats DID support it, they'd automatically lose the election. Imagine all the religious zealots that would vote against the democrats JUST because they dont want gays getting married. Human rights, meet 2008.

10:49 - Foreign policy. Biden wants to get out of Iraq, McCain wants to stay until Armageddon (you know, the time when Jesus comes back and kills everyone on Earth that didn't vote for McCain). Palin responds by saying that we are surrendering in Iraq if we leave. She's so excited at this point I think someone might have to take away her first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD, just to calm her down. She also claims that the surge worked. (Indicating that they planned for this to be a 6 year war (lasting longer than WWII, the biggest war of all time).

10:54 - Iran and Pakistan. Yeah....... (I tried to listen for the last 6 minutes but my eyes kept glossing over and I wasn't sure if this was an SNL skit or not.) Let's fast forward.


11:09 - Holy shit I fast forwarded 30 minutes and they are just finishing foreign policy. I stop (randomly) on Palin saying "Doggonit, There you go Joe!" Obviously, she is practicing her conversations with Kim Jeung Il. "Doggonit Kim, Can't you just get rid of these misslies dontchaknow?"

11:14 - Let's just pretend that I watched the rest and get to the closing statements. Palin is up first. She's gonna fight for America, the middle class, the average American family like hers (she is worth $1.2 million, pretty average, considering the median income is $45,000.) John McCain is the only man who ever fought for America. Vote him. The End.

11: 15 - Joe Biden harps on how bad the Bush Administration has been and then touches on Healthcare, Education, Military coming home and finishes with dignity (however, he messes up on "Baraka Obama.").

Well that's it thats the end of my first VP debate. Was it disappointing? Check. Was it hard to understand? Check. Did Sarah Palin drop me off at hockey practice afterwards? Check. Well, that settles its shes qualified. I'd like to present to you our new President/Vice President, Juan McClain and Sareesh Plakhahn. (See, it's fun to mess up names of the people who might be our president someday. Good job, Biden, you ruined our chances of every getting a democrat into office again.)

Monday, September 29, 2008

We're You Aware of It?

Ummm, WTF? will return to its normally scheduled broadcast when I don't feel like burning down every trailer park within a 30 mile radius. So, like a week or so.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Part 2)

Welcome back to the Emmy's. Amazing Race is currently accepting their award and Don Rickles is still old.

3:54 - Here comes Sally Field to fill our annoying quota of the night. She is here to present outstanding mini series. There are way too many of these categories. Apparently time skips forward and Tom hanks is now on stage. So what ever he produced won.

3:56 - Heidi Klum and Tom Bergeron do a little comedy bit and then they get serious as Klum tries to pronounce Kristen Chenoweth. (Which do you think was funnier?) That's ok here comes NPH (Doogie Howser) to present oustanding individual performance in a variety program. Don Rickles wins and I'll I want is for these silly variety, reality and mini series awards to be over. (Also, I know the results from here on out, so we will just say I finished the night at about 3/12.)

4:01 - Wayne Brady and an old lady from a cadillac commercial present best actor in a guest series. I bet the combined ages of the winners are over 120. Let's find out shall we. Glen Turman and Cynthia Nixon win and sadly they clock in at a combined 100. If I put money on these I'd only have 3 fingers left.

4:02 - Outstanding directing in a drama series, Boston Legal, Breaking Bad, Damages, House, & Mad Men. House wins because everyone loves a snobby british man making fun of dumb Americans. Oustanding writing nominees - Battlestar Galactica, Damages, Mad Men (twice) and The Wire. Mad Men wins and I have to admit I've never seen the show, despite watching more than 30 hours of television per week (I'm an advertisers dream).

4:0 7 - In case you were wondering the Emmy's are brought to by Macy's. I think, I can't be 100% sure only about 80% of the commericals have been for Macy's.

4:09 - Cruella Deville is here to prsent outstanding actor in a miniseries. It's amazing that Glenn Close has looked about 55 for the last 20 years. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing for her or a bad thing for. Who wants to look 55 forever? Paul Giamatti wins and I discover that he palyed himself in Sideways.

4:11 - Candace Bergen to present Lead Actor in a comedy series. She has all the same features as Glenn Close (raspy voice, blond hair and leather instead of skin). If they are gonna throw these two into the show, lets spread em out so Don Rickles doesn't get confused. Alec Baldwin wins (deservedly), let's see if he a) goes crazy and b) goes liberal.

4:13 - Vanessa Williams and America Ferrera comes out to present best actress in a drama and (un)fortunately they forget to turn her mic on. Glenn Close wins, but I'm falling behind here because the quinhosts wasted so much time in the beginning of the show and now they are literally ripping through the rest of the show. Vanessa Williams came out and looked to say "here are the nominees" No intro at all. Too bad Glenn Close is here to drag us back to earth.

4:16 - And now the retrospection of all the people who have died this year. I'll list the ones I've heard of:

Charlton Heston
Estelle Getty
Sydney Pollack
Bernic Mac
Tim Russert
Issac Hayes
George Carlin

(about 3% of names shown)

4:19 - Lead actor in a drama series as presented by Kiefer Sutherland. Bryan Cranston wins. Which I guess is nice, but considering he was on Malcom in the Middle....(and he shaved his head), eh, I feel like they could have gotten someone more presitgious.

4:22 - Brooke Shields and a drunk Craig Ferguson come out to present lead actress in a comedy series. I can't believe this man got his own late night show. Tina Fey will win this. This sounds like a sweep for 30 Rock tonight. The lesson here is that even if you take off your clothes you won't win an Emmy (Mary Louise Parker, I'm looking at you. I mean, especially after 4 seasons. You decide to bare all now? Desperation much?).

4:25 - Jimmy Kimmel to present best reality host. I hope whoever wins gets to host alone the rest of the night and everyone else gets murdered. Jimmy Kimmel does a funny reality, getting voted off bit, but it gets a little old real fast. Including a commercial break! It's JUST like reality TV. Someone kill Seacrest pelase.

4:27 - Jeff Probst wins, he really needs to cut his hair, he looks like a short guy in his 40's trying to act cooler than he is. (No tie? What????? You are soooooooooo edgy Probst).

4:28 - Mary Tyler Moore as a classic show fades into Mary Tyler Moore to present best Comedy on TV. (Which means that best reality show host is considered the third most important award of the night). She introduces Betty White for no apparent reason (being old?) As long as Two and Half Men doesn't win, I won't have to kill anyone. 30 Rock wins (of course). 2 years in a row. So umm....will people start watching so that I can get more seasons.

4:32 - Tom Selleck to present this biggest award of the night (Drama Series). Why Tom Selleck you ask? (The answer: He can read). Mad Men wins and I pack it in for the night. Time to beat that crazy LA traffic.

To conclude - because Howie Mandel wasted 4 minutes in the beginning of the show, the most important 4 awards took a collective 6 minutes.

PS Jeff Probst did host the rest of the show by himself (called that) and says "Good Night." (Poor guy has to get back to his dressing room to change into his Polyester John Travolta suit or his "getting laid suit" as he calls it.

Good night.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Part 1)

Here we are live from the Emmy's. Now I'm obsessed with television so this is kind of like my bible. (If the bible was acted out by people that were much more attractive than us humans.)

8:46 (Apparently there is some sort of hold up) Oprah kicks off the evening and luckily this is not the fat Oprah, it's the mildly chunky Oprah. I don't think she is hosting because the ads I've seen have about 10 different hosts fake brawling with each other. High entertainment.

8:47 Oprah makes a joke at her own expense, but secretly the last laugh is on us. Collectively we gave her 8 Billion dollars last year. No joke. She is generous though - $4 billion went to charity and the other half went to Double Stuffs and dildos.

8:49 - Our hosts - Tom Bergeron, Ryan Seacrest, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel and Heidi Klum. I'll bet 100 dollars that a) everyone will talk over each other the entire night and that b) Ryan Seacrest will end up hosting the show on his own by 10:00 PM. As I type this, Heidi Klum has yet to say anything.

8:50 - The Quinhosts wet my appettite by telling me they have NOTHING and that this is not a bit. Way to make me want to watch! Tom Bergeron has also said nothing and now he is staring at the ceiling I guess if there isn't a home video of a child punching a dad in the balls playing behind him, he's got nothing.

8:52 - We've already encountered 8 references to last years awful show (hosted by Seacrest). This can only mean that Seacrest is on the war path and someone will die tonight. They follow up this by ripping clothes off of Heidi Klum. Nothing like kicking off your awards show by showing the first step of a date rape live, on air! (And having half your female audience flashback to the time in college when they had one too many Jaegar Bombs).

8:55 - Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to present outstanding supporting actor in a comedy. Their bit is a little funny and even more racist. Let's see how many negative connotations we can get in tonight ABC. I'll provide a checklist:

Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest
Terrorism
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show

8:59 - John Cryer, Kevin Dillon, NPH (WINNER PLEASE), Jeremy "The Piv" Piven and Rainn Wilson nominated. I think Rainn will win. But NPH deserves it. He's NPH.

9:00 - Nope, it's The Piv. Entourage may suck these days but it's good to know that you can be rewarded for playing your douche bag self. Piven's speech starts with a story about a plane and roofing (this is bordering on terrorism). He wraps it up with a warm thank you, but I know he doesn't mean it.

9:01 - Commercial break, but not before I learn Josh Groban will be performing 30 theme songs tonight. I hope you won't mind if I puncture my ear drums now and just watch with close captions from now on.

9:03 - We are back and Tom Bergeron is sitting in the Seinfeld diner with Seacrest. This is a reflection back upon the golden days of TV (1992) and they play a clip on "The Contest." Did they not learn anything from last years 5 hour epic? CUT IT DOWN.

9:05 Julia Louis Dreyfus looks awesome for 55(ish). Too bad her new show (on CBS!) blows. She presents supporting actress in a comedy series. Nominees - Kristin Chenoweth, Amy Poehler, Jean Smart (she'll be arriving in a coffin), some bitch from two and a helf men, Vanessa Williams. Come on Chenoweth!!!!! Nope, Jean Smart. At least it wasn't supporting Two and A Half men. I have a feeling they will be nominated in every category and I don't understand why people like that show, it's Charlie Sheen and a nerd. Could you get more fucking generic? Oh, yeah and Charlie Sheen fucks a lot of women in the show. He really streches himself for this role.

9:08 - Jean Smart babbles on about nothing and starts to cry. She gets the wrap up music (or so my close caption says. Yes, they DO have closed captioning in the theater. They are pretty high tech.)

9:10 - Awkward kiss between Heidi Klum and Jeff Probst, that was fun, ya know to see Jeff Probst get erect on stage. They introduce Desperate Housewives as part of the "classic show" theme. Yeah.....I think everyone stopped caring about that show after season 1. Oh wait, it's on ABC you say? And these Emmy's are on ABC????? Oh, then yes it is a classic. The wives present best supporitng actor in a drama. Note: Felicity Huffman showed up as her character from Transamerica I think, but at this point I can't tell.

9:13 - Michael Emerson, Russian Guy, Ted Danson, William Shatner (although hes the comic relief) and John Slattery. I want Michael Emerson from Lost to win. Real bad. But Shatner will win. Nope, Russian guy wins. Let down, let's see if he speaks English. Yes, he does, with no accent. Another let down.

9:15 - Ricky Gervais. He's fucking smarmy (he did the original "The Office," you know the one that everyone thinks is funnier because they are snobby. Well, they get the snobbiness from him.) He introduces a bunch of "hilarious" acceptance speeches. I only laugh out loud once, at Brad Garrett no less. Yes, I'm ashamed FOR me.

9:18 - Gervais brings it back in and takes a dig at Steve Carell, invoking a genuinely hilarious stare down. He then proceeds to hop down and tickle him, so that Steve Carell will give him an emmy. He does and we get to nominees for director for variety. Academy Awards, Colbert, Daily Show, and SNL. ...Daily Show I bet. Nope, the guy who directed the Academy Awards. Fun fact, last year's Academy Awards were the lowest rated awards of all time! Yep he deserves it.

9:22 - Another classic show - The Simpsons. Conan O'Brien then appears in the Simpsons living room. ITS MAGIC! I can't make fun of the cone zone, I love him. He is here to present best supporting actress in a drama. He takes a stab at Katherine Heigl and everyone laughs (shes to good for TV, according to herself. Bitch) Nominees are Candice Bergen, Rachel Griffiths, Sandra Oh, Dianne Wiest, Chandra Wilson. I don't watch any of these shows, so I'll say Dianne Wiest. WINNER! That makes me 1/5.

9:25 - Jennifer Love "Big Tits McGee" Hewitt and Hayden "Floppy Boobs, Fat Ass" Paniettiere present outstanding writing on a variety program. One is hotter than the other, I'll let you guess based on my nicknames. (By the way Hayden Panitierre has a really oddly shaped body for a young "vixen". It's like she used to be a fat little kid that could act and her mom was like, LOSE THE WEIGHT, WHALE. And she did except in her ass and hips.) Nominees are: Stephen Colbert, Daily Show, Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, Late Show w/ David Letterman and SNL. I'll vote Colbert. WINNER again! I'm on a roll officially.

9:30 - Jeff Probst and Howie Mandel take the stage as I swallow a thimble full of vomit (I stole that line from the new Chuck Klosterman book. I love him.) They do this terrible bit that mirrors Deal or No Deal. How creative. Eventually they introduce Steve Martin, lets hope its funny Steve Martin and not "sad old I like to write myself into films as the old guy that obsesses over Claire Danes" Steve Martin.

9:32 - Funny Steve Martin wins, but it doesn't last as he continues the clasic TV show bit with "The Smothers Brothers," which went off the air about 30 years before I was born. (Nice work ABC, hit the old demographic and the sad desperate housewive from 3 years ago demographic). Turns out its a lifetime award from Tommy Smothers and it also turns out that I could care less.

9:36 - Tommy Smothers is babbling. The old man obviously thinks he is at a Shriner's meeting in Oshkosh, Wisconsin and starts saying (unintelligibly, of course) that war is bad. That's also pretty close to terrorism on the checklist. Let's check in:

Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest (If only Angelia Jolie did that guest appearance on Law and Order. She would totally be making out with her brother right now)
Terrorism (Half check)
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show

9:40 - Seacrest introduces Groban to sing a medley of 30 songs. If you are unfamiliar with Groban he makes 50 year old women that drive Lexus' swoon. I guess if you had to classify his style it would be "gay" (other artists in this genre include Clay Aiken, Barry Manilow and Tony Bennett (don't worry Tony Bennett will be appearing later on when he wins his 49th consecutive Emmy for best musical special on PBS).

9;43 - Groban proves that he is the biggest star of our era by covering everything from Primus (South Park) to Will Smith (Fresh Prince) and of course the coup d'etat, Two and a Half Men. All while doing a half falsetto, half chewbacca type voice. It's quite the spectacle.

9:45 - Alec Baldwin (I also like him, even though he would probably call me a walrus because I once was in the same city as him). He introduces lead actress in a miniseries (ps the miniseries categories are a sham, how many miniseries do you think were produced this year? 5. How many nominees are there per category. 5. Hmm...interesting. A bunch of old ladies are nominated and Laura Linney wins (by the youngest of the bunch). I wouldn't have guessed her so I'm now 2/7. Laura Linney can never carry a movie though. She's like Renee Zellwegger in 8 years. (Without all the weight fluctuation and dating Jack White, of course).

9:51 - Tom Bergeron introduces Laugh In as a classic show. I'm gonna take a nap. The cast of Laugh In reunites to present outstanding variety series. They do characters they used to do and simultaneously lose 85% of their audience. Nominees - Colbert Report, Daily Show, Letterman, (notice a theme here?) Bill Mahr, and SNL. 4 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Daily show wins (I would voted Colbert - as I'm a staunch fake republican as well). 2/8. Are you playing along at home? Probably not, you are probably asleep. (I don't understand how Colbert wins for best writing and Daily Show wins best show. If you have the best writing don't you have the best show?)

9:58 - Best guest actor in a comedy series - brought to you by Lauren Conrad (this is worse than it seems, she has now been dignified in real life Hollywood, not just MTV Hollywood. ABC will regret this.) Nominees - Will Arnett (my pick), the dad from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Steve Buscemi, Tim Conway and Rip Torn. Guest Actress - Edie Falco, Carrie Fisher, Kathryn Joosten, Sarah Silverman, Elaine Stritch. Winners? Tim Conway and Kathryn Joosten. Interesting to note that 7 out of the 10 nominees were on 30 Rock (the best comedy on TV.) Neither of these people get an acceptance speech. (I think ABC just edited out 5 minutes of cheering.)

10:02 - Director in a comedy series (The Office twice, Pushing Daises, 30 Rock and something else). Pushing Daisies wins and I'm 3/11. Pushing Daises is one awesome f'in show (We're You Aware of It?). Barry Sonnenfeld gives a shaky acceptance speech and he just might cry.

10:03 Lauren Conrad is still on stage. Best writing in a comedy series (The Office, Flight of the Concords, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock twice.) I vote for the Office considering the nominated episode was written immediately following the strike and was one of my favorite episodes of the season. (However this will be bittersweet considering those same writers bitched and moaned for 4 months about wanting 5 more dollars. Whores.

10:08 - We aren't even half way over and I want to kill myself. Congratulations Emmy's, you've done it again. West Wing introduced as another classic TV show and Martin Sheen arrives. I want to murder him for giving birth to Charlie Sheen. (I hate Charlie Sheen.) He tells people to vote. Then introduces the President of the Emmys. He makes me want to turn on Elliot Smith and stab myself in the heart with a spork. If only i could fast forward time....

10:12 - Ah Christina Applegate and Christian Slater introduce made for TV movie. Im not even gonna dignify this with a guess. Recount wins for what its worth. It was directed by the same man who directed Austin Powers, so you know its a cinematic masterpiece.

10:15 - Dragnet. Jeff Probst flubs a line and then introduces Laurence Fishburne looking like a hotel waiter and the guy from CSI. This turns out to be a ceremonial passing of the torch, because apparently the guy from CSI is leaving to work on a film career that's sure to bomb. They present actor in a mini series, again I will not dignify this category but note that 5 actors were nominated from only 2 different movies. Are you positive this category isn't rigged? Do you think they get actors to do these made for TV movies by saying "Hey you are definitely going to get nominated for an Emmy and you have a 1/5 shot of winning. You want an Emmy, right?" And actors do. They all want Emmy's.

10:18 - Colbert and John Stewart introduce best directing for a miniseries. Colbert (yes I think we are on a last name basis) brings on prunes and does a nice little bit about them. You know the drill see you in 5 minutes.

10:26 - MASH classic show. Can't disagree I guess. Sandra Oh presents supporting actress in a miniseries. You know what? I'm just fast forwarding through the rest of these. Fun note - she does make a racist joke about her Asian heritage. Her parents wanted her to be doctors. Can you believe that?!?!?! Hardy har har.

10:27 - Don Rickles and a disheveled, whore like Kathy Griffin come out and she makes everyone stand to cheer the bald, fat washed up comedian. Rickles makes a bunch of terrible jokes but everyone is forced to laugh at gunpoint. Nominees for reality program - Amazing Race, American Idol, Project Runway, Dancing with Stars, Top Chef. I vote Top Chef, but the amazing Race always wins. And they do. BACK ON TOP BABY. Amazing Race has won 6 in a row.

I'm about to pass out, so I'm just gonna take a short break until tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

We're You Aware of It?

On a recent pizza delivery I was rewarded with the ultimate prize for us lowly pizza boys, the double digit tip. The double digit tip in door-to-door orders is a rare (rare) phenomenon. People have wised up and no longer seem to tip percentage, so even if I was to deliver 300 pizzas barefoot as Egyptians kings whipped me into building a pyramid(the cost for this would be somewhere between $3000 and $3 Billion), the tip will still only be about $2.

So it was on a day about 2 weeks ago where I witnessed my first and (lets be real) last double digit tip of my life time (unless I fulfill my marvelous dream of becoming a waiter to the stars at NoBu and explaining that our Tuna is so expensive because it's on the endangered species list! Oh Bobby D, you slay me). I got the call to the neighborhood (which is really more of a farm/trailer parkway, rather than a traditional neighborhood). I had a hard time finding the place and as it turns out, the house wasn't even visible from the Trailer Trash Heaven Parkway. It turns out the driveway is about 1/2 mile long and winds through a forest and then out of nowhere, opens up into a circular driveway with a big landscaped bush in the middle of it. On the sides of the mansion were some horses and barns and what can only be described as red bamboo (made with real Chinese Blood!).

As I approached the door I thought I heard Mr. Ed talking to me and everything made sense (royalties), and then I knocked on the door. A man answered in Snakeskin boots and a cowboy hat and told me to come in (normally not a good idea, but hey, he was rich and there's a .01% chance that he ends up like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, I'm willing to take that risk to appease the rich folk who might present me with a ten spot. And yes, I only like to appease the rich when it will directly result with cash in my hand within 30 seconds of that appeasement. So no republican jokes please). So I entered the house and he calls for his wife and she brings over the cash. The total was 15 and he gave me $25. I asked if he needed change and he said no and then winked. I buckled like Janene Garafelo at a Nirvana Tribute Band concert (that happens to be all female and call themselves In Uterus) and gleefully walked out the door.

What makes it better is that this wasn't a "keep the change" tip, he purposefully gave me that extra $5 (a little arrogant, but I'll let it slide). The $10 tip might be the highlight of my young life and will make any delivery driver instantly treat you like the royalty you are trying to hard to be by throwing all your money around like Preston in "Blank Check."


WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Short Stories With Tragic Endings #6

On the way back home from the beach a few weekends back I decided to stop at a Hess station because it also doubles as a truck stop and whenever there is an opportunity for big rig interaction, you can count me in. This truck stop (with full service showers, sidebar - I once paid to take a shower at a truck stop. Gotta say, the fear that I was going to be raped at any second by a trucker hungry for some some A-Cups, no matter how hairy they were (and with a broken lock on the stall) far outweighed the $7 I had to pay to use 4 minutes of semi hot water. Good times), is less than 10 minutes from my house so I feel pretty comfortable with it. Not so this time.

I had already been driving for almost 4 hours and so I fill up the tank and skip my routine of wasting time by buying a code red and a Fast Break (Reeses in stick form, I can't get much lazier) and I just lean with my back to my car (pre dented of course). From behind the pump, a man accosts me by saying "Hey buddy." (First reaction when approached at a gas stop is a) fear (see above) followed by the thought that maybe they need directions). So this guy starts with "I was stuck in Chapel Hill..." "ahhh directions," I thought. He continues "and I just got out of the hospital because I was hit and left for dead by a truck. I'm just trying to get home to my family in Kentucky and now I have seizures (he holds up a large - like 150 pill - prescription bottle, the kind trophy wives casually use to help them sleep easier), can you buy me a tank of gas?" I said "no, I'm broke." He responds "Come on man you can use your card to fill up my tank." I said no again and he said thanks and then got in a car with 2 other guys and drove away.

A strange occurrence to say the least. Not because he asked for money but because of the following reasons:

A) His family essentially said "you know what? We don't need to go see pops, I'm sure he's fine down in an NC hospital, he'll hike it home eventually."
B) When I said no the first time, he was savvy/annoying enough to explain to me that I could use my credit card, like it's not real money or something. If someone asked you for money and you say no and they say "what about your card", do they really expect you to say, "oh, you're right, I forgot about that. Sure!"
C) He got in his car and drove away with 2 other dudes....I'm no math major but I'm guessing it's like ...400 miles to Kentucky from Greensboro, NC. Which is just a little over a tank of guess, so maybe it would cost like $65 total to get there. So this guys is telling me that he and 2 other guys can't scrounge up $22 each to get to Kentucky. On second thought, maybe he was referring to Kentucky, Russia (which would be totally different and would cost at least $1,000).
D) He immediately drove away, meaning he already had gas. Unless he was gonna steal my card when I took it out, I would have been of little help to him.

All in all, just a poor begging performance (but maybe I can chalk that up to the epilepsy). Short Story, Tragic Ending.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Short Stories With Tragic Endings #5

As you all know I deliver pizzas. I remember 4 years ago when my mother didn't want me to deliver Indian food because it was one of the most dangerous jobs in the country (right behind Ice Road Truckers and Rodeo Clown). Being the brash child I wished I was I disregarded her opinion and laughed all the way to the biznank to the tune of $50 a night. Flash forward 4 years and my mother was right.

My mother was referring to being robbed/murdered (which im not too afraid of, although one co-worker did tell me how his friend was shot in the head 18 years ago while delivering a pizza. This was my first day), however in backwoods North Carolina it is the dark you have to be afraid of. More specifically the dark causes you to not see things like gigantic trees that you may or may not have backed into on a delivery. Intrigued?

I was in the middle of 4 deliveries (a quad, as we call it in the biz) and so I was rushing. I delivered the second pizza and I was backing up his driveway (I use this term loosely as it was more of a run on ditch that started high, dipped in the middle and then went up again towards his home. To make driving even more fun he decided to live in the middle of a forest.) but it was pitch black (as all parts of rural NC are). How are you supposed to navigate your way through a wooded ditch forest in the pitch black of night you ask? Well I decided to try my back up camera, didn't work. As I neared the lowest part of the ditch my tires ran through a pool of standing water/mud and while trying to look at the screen in front of me and look behind me to see what was really there, I spun out and hit a tree.

The damage wasn't severe (although I'm sure the body repair bill will cost close to what JIVE records shelled out to MTV to let her win awards a.k.a. $874, and YES, I'm still livid about that), but it's an eyesore. The plastic covering the tail light cracked just a tad and there is a dent on the very end of the right passenger side near the tail light (which I will attempt to fix myself using Pops-A-Dent - the product sold by the guy who yells that OXY CLEAN WILL CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CARPETS. NOW!). To make matters worse I just got my oil changed and my car was getting 48 MPG beforehand, after the oil change a paultry 35 (this may or not be because I accused my Toyota dealership of fucking up my car and charging me for things that didn't need to be charged. Come on, admit you can see some schmuck Auto mechanic tighten the gas valve or whatever (do cars have these things? I'm not man enough to know) and then when I take it back say "hey we told you to get _____ fixed.") So now I'm starting a smear campaign against Rice Toyota.

Dear Rice Toyota -

You did not treat me right (as your commercials claim) and I do not enjoy spending 1 hour and 15 minutes watching Judge Alex waiting to get my oil changed (a 15 minute process). I recently heard that you use the bones of children as your tools (that's right IVORY wrenches, at least that's my best guess at what they buy with all the money they bleed out of me). So good people of America do not support Rice Toyota and their "Support Children's Bones Foundation".

Go Fuck Yourself

-Kelson

Short (ish) story, Tragic Ending.

Monday, September 08, 2008

We're You Aware of It?

You have all come to my blog out of a) pure boredom b) sheer lust or c) because I may or may not entertain you to death. Did you know that you could share one of these emotions with your friends? It's true! Due to the popularity of my VMA blog (44 page views in one day cant be wrong!) I think you need to share this information with your friends

Send this link to just one friend! "Hey check out my whore friend's blog. He's pretty conceited and desperate for attention but that sure does make for a good chortle here and there!"

Or this one: "Remember that time MTV went down on Britney Spears on national television?"

Or for those who are fans of Puff Daddy " Click or Die."

And for those of you who read this blog only out of spite "Check out this fag bear that types shit on the internet. Isn't he such a gay?"


WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?

Sunday, September 07, 2008

The Time I Went to the VMA's (With My Girlfriend)

Here we are (Amelia and I that is) at the VMA's (I spent the last 15 minutes fake tanning her so that she could outweigh the paleness of Haley from Paramore). The show is about to start and I gotta admit Russell Brand is pretty funny in those commercials.

9:00 PM - Dressing room of Britney Spears with Jonah Hill. So many possibilities. ...So many failures. I expect more from Jonah Hill but apparently he's only funny when he's saying how fat he is. '


9:02 - Britney walking from her dressing room, backstage (with a bad weave says Amelia). The VMA's are in LA this year and apparently the auditorium is the size of a high school theatre. This better wrap up in 2 hours because Fiddler on the Roof is coming in right afterward.

9:04 - Rihanna premieres a new song which is just left of awful. (I just now realize that this song is not new and is named after one of Shia LaBeouf's worst movies (Disturbia)). Also she seems to look more androngynous with every public appearance, including a rat tail that seemed to have been pinned on her in a cruel game of "Pin the Tail on the Nasally Jamaican singer."

Side note - The audience is about a 1/10th of the size it normally is. It's kind of depressing as there is no place to do any theatrics. I expect more MTV, maybe a drunken outburst from SlipKnot. Is that too much to ask? Amelia and I can't get over this.

9:09 - Russell Brand (apparently playing himself in Forgetting Sarah Marshall). He announces that CanYeah West will perform and proceeds to call George Bush a "retard cowboy fellow." I told you he would be funny.

Side note: They showed the audience again and it looked like the studio where they filmed Double Dare. This makes it seem like a comedy special gone horribly wrong.

9:13 - No one in this audience is responding to his British humor, that could be because they only crammed in about 4 real fans in the back, next to superstars like Jamie Foxx.

9:15 - Speak of the devil. Jamie Foxx is pushing 50 and he is still keeping it real spewing ebonics like he's still in the ghetto. Oh, a Busta Rhymes imitation, only 10 years too late. He's announcing Best Female Pop something or other. Once again the audience is silent, so let's just pretend that this is all filmed in front of a screen.

9:18 - I predict Katy Perry. Jamie Foxx decides that Britney Spears is the winner. I say this because there is no way that card said Britney Spears won. (Although on second thought MTV might've just said "Fuck it. We really need Britney Spears back on MTV." This would account for the massive "DONT MISS BRITNEY SPEARS at 9. SHARP" Ad campaign they did this last week in addition to her fucking up her speech and holding the mic in front of her mouth like she's about to a) rap battle (Amelia's thought) or b) suck a dick (my thought). I'm gonna guess shes more comfortable with B.

9:20 - Pete Wentz interviews Heidi and Spencer from the Hills. The rest of America plays the "Can you spot the biggest douchebag game?" Surprisingly Spencer takes the win. Mostly for his creepy blond beard and his referencing "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift."

9:26 - Back from commercial. Apparently Britney Spears has never won a VMA before....This doesn't help MTV's "we rigged this, we really want Britney back" cause. And I seem to be using a lot of "quotes" tonight. I'm sorry. I guess I'm in a "naming dumb shit" mood. Let's continue.

9:27 - Demi Moore to present....missed it. The important thing is that she doesn't look like a corpse. However, she forgot a microphone and you can see her teleprompter scrolling behind her. Again, this is rivaling my high school's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in terms of professionalism. Best male video goes to Chris Brown. That sounds right, he's so hot right now.

9:30 - Taylor Swift to announce the Jonas Brothers she has decided to look like a Whore tonight bye using close to 4 LBS of eyeshadow. Apparently alot of TV shows were shot in the studio where the awards are being held and so the Jonas brothers are on a stoop. Personally, I wouldn't cry if they were victims of a drive by shooting. Let's make this as realistic as possible. They go from stoop to full blown "rock" concert and the tweens rush the stage. I'll estimate the body count at about 14 trampled (the only advantage to being a pudgy tween is that you can force your way to the front of a Jonas brothers stage).

9:36 - Amelia has departed she probably vomitted when she heard Travis Barker and DJ AM covering Oasis.

9:40 - The show returns and I can see production staff behind Russell Brand as he talks. Really MTV? You couldn't find a better building, it's Los Angeles not Topeka.

9:41 - Michael Phelps introduces Leona Lewis and T-Pain and Lil Wayne. This should be interesting considering that it will be hard to replicate his voice box live. Important to note that Lil Wayne seems to be sporting a red bandana in support of the bloods and that his dreadlocks may be a Milli Vanilli replica.

9:45 - On the T-Pain situation - it turns out they did a mixture of him singing terribly live and doing his voice box track behind him. Everybody wins! (PS - T-Pain seems to be the new Lil Jon. Is is the same person? Have you ever seen them at the same time.)

9:46 - Lindsay Lohan appears to introduce best dance video and she's dressed like a 45 year old cocktail waitress in Vegas. No joke is needed here. Pussycat Dolls win best dance video. That seems about right, since their whole shtick is being burlesque whor....dancers.

9:57 - Finally back from commerical and Russell announces the cast of Twilight. Which is a vampire movie that comes out in 4 months and which they've been promoting like a bat out of hell. Can you smell a bomb?

9:59 - Paramore performs across town in a barn or something. What's with the emo girls that decide to dress as poorly as possibly. Dear Haley, your red/purple/blond hair does not go with your tight yellow jeans. Also, Amelia thinks your arms are fat. She's a little right. She's also half talking her way through the song. Overall, just a poor poor performance. (This from a boy who pretended to have a thing with her on Warped Tour just 4 years ago. I officially got over her when she started strutting like a peacock on stage.)

10:01 - So apparently they are not at the Whiskey a Go Go across town as previously stated by the cast of Twilight. They were in the theatre all along!!!! However, no one saw this coming as they did NOT foreshadow it by saying "Nothing is as it seems." Right before hand.

10:02 - Another commercial break so I'll continue on with the downfall of the 18 year old Hayley Williams. According to Amelia she looks like a crazed 8/38 year old. Her red carpet outfit was straight from Cyndi Lauper in the 80's (Ponytail to the side, OMG? I'm so young I can barely dress myself right) and her concert performance was Cyndi Lauper now (a little big in the hips a little haggred in the face and throat). Miley Cyrus welcome to your future.

10:08 - Slash and Shia LaBeouf to present Rock video. You can just see Slash back stage saying (cigarette in mouth) "Hey man, who the fuck are you?" And Shia fighting back the tears with a handle of Whiskey and a hip vintage t-shirt as a rag. LInking Park wins best rock video for their power ballad. Welcome back to 2003 America.


10:12 - Miley Cyrus introduces Pink however she might have been going down on 3 of the guys from Tokio Hotel beforehand. Is that a lie? Would you be surprised? I don't think so.

10:14 - Does anyone remember when Pink's hair was actually Pink? Even more, does anyone remember when Pink thought she was black. No? Well neither does Pink. Her new song has a chorus of "So What, I'm still a rockstar." Let's just say she's a long way from her R&B tinged days of "There you Go" and "You Make Me Sick." She is quickly followed by another commercial break. Fannnnnntastic.

10:24 - Pete Wentz is back to awkwardly talk to his wife about voting for best new artist. Ah, the emo in him still shines like his tears glistening in the moonlight.

10:25 - Slipknot to introduce best hip hop video. Oh MTV you are so ironic. The nerd from Superbad comes out with a mask on and they threaten to beat him down. Sounds like a good time for the family. Flo Rida better win this award, cause lets be honest thats the catchiest song of the year. Nope, Lil Wayne. He has a short acceptance speech (god, family, fans). I thank him as this show is starting to drag like the corpse of Jessica Simpson's career.

10:31 - TI performs some shitty new song followed by a rendition of the Numa Numa song (youtube video where the fat kid sings techno to his computer) with Rihanna. Good news, she looks even more like a 16 year old boy greaser from the 50s. Even better news: the song is even worse when sung in a nasally tone and rapped by a man who just spent 6 months in prison.


10:38 - Man there is nothing like 7 minute commercial breaks to lull you to sleep. Don't worry folks only 30 minutes more (the tv guide says this will go until 11:13, I bet MTV is so clever that something magical will happen at like 11:11. Bristol Palin having an abortion on stage? One can hope. Look at me being political. I like Sarah Palin, for the same reasons that people say she would be a good VP, because she makes me feel like, I a simple delivery boy, could cause a major political scandal. Just what we want in office, someone that the people can relate to in the most scandalous way possible. Yes, we are still on commercial.)

10:42 - High School Musical cast comes on to introduce Xtina Aguilera and the black one with the curly afro has not aged well. Let's just say when HSM 3 comes out this fall, he'll be the token 20 something that looks like he doesn't belong in high school.

10:43 - Christina Aguilera performs a techno/Eurythmics influences version of Genie in a Bottle in a catwoman suit. I'm pretty sure they promoted this as her new single. Lazy much, Xtina?

10:44 - She is definitely not singing as she pulls the mic from her mouth and the volume of her voice remains the same. She's been lipsynching professionally for years now, has she not learned this trick. Apparently she has a new single that they tack on to Genie in A Bottle (ReMX). With a chorus like "I'm a superbitch" you can't go wrong. Also, I can tell she's had a child recently. Can you say muffin tops for hips?

10:48 - LC from the Hills and Chace from Gossip Girl present Best New Artist amid a sea of silence. Tokio Hotel wins, but I called that (Amelia can back that up) because they have a whole country (Germany) voting for them. I think they are popular because each member of the band represents a certain genre - One guy is hip hop with dreads, one guys is like ...emo ish with crazy hair and make up and he may be a girl, one is a skater and one is a metal guy. Awesome.

10:57 - LL Cool J shamelessly promotes his new album (like on the Teen Choice Awards), I couldn't see that coming. Paris Hilton is out to introduce best pop video and she hasnt changed outfits yet tonight (Amelia is shocked) and frankly so are my eyeballs (she is wearing way too much purple.) Britney Spears is nominated for best pop video, if she wins, MTV has officially rigged it.

10:58 - Britney wins. Apparently the VMA's have become a self esteem building step in the intervention process for Britney (step 6 - Everyone Loves You and MTV will show you that you ARE special). I wish I could call MTV sellouts, but we all know that happened when they started airing Real World/Road Rules battles 14 hours/day.

11:06 - And we are back! Drake (gay) and Josh (fat) come out to introduce to Kid Rock. Josh is sporting John Travolta's outfit from Saturday Night Fever along with his trash stash he looks like he might be trying too hard to prove he is 21. Kid Rock introduces his song by saying it's real and then rips into his new single which recalls the same exact riff of Sweet Home Alabama (he even says so in the chorus). I really wish Kid Rock died along with the rest of rap rock. He is not a real musician, nor do I think he has grown musically since his "Bawitdaba" days. Going from shitty rap to stealing 70's riffs is not an improvement. Also look at him, I seriously think I might have just gotten the clap. Uncool, kid. Uncool. Lil Wayne comes out to rap and I could care less. MTV you are trying too hard to recreate Run DMC/Aerosmith.

11:12 - Another commercial break of course. They promoted Video of the Year in 5 minutes and Kayne West in 8. I don't know if I can make it. The cat is asleep (yes I brought the cat to the awards) and Amelia is taking her contacts out (she'd rather not see the horror of Britney winning video of the year. She may not be nominated but that doesn't mean she wont win.

11:15 - Kanye West is performing...apparently I missed video of the year (wikipedia says it's Britney). Of course Kanye has to be a showboat and he performs a new song with an African beat and a weird echo-y vocal to a crowd of white girls. I'm sure he'll be crying afterwards that MTV doesn't care about black people.

11:18 - We head home for the evening and Amelia utters that the fake tan wasn't worth it. I agree. 3 awards for the whore who didn't put out an album this year and MTV has re-enforced themselves as the place to be if you want to be pop cultural irrelevant.

Closing remarks from Amelia :

Am I thinking of another award show where there are a ton of celebrities and then a large crowd with wristbands in the audience? Or is this another one, where a washed up Britney, who has never won a VMA, wins 3 with ONE terrible single?

Somewhere Eminem and his 100 Slim Shady's are rolling in their fat bloated graves.