Monday, March 31, 2008

The Time I Visited Texas - Day 4

Sorry for the delay in posts, I was changing jobs (Yes this was directly related to having Texas rape me). So now for the conclusion of Kelson Fagan's "The Time I Visited Texas."

6:30 AM - I wake up super early, because I'm just neurotic enough to think thats cutting it close to make my 10:30 flight. The reasoning went like this:

6:30 AM - Wake Up/Pack/Leave Hotel
7:00 AM - Catch cab to hotel (leave 20 minutes to allow cab to show up - this is Austin, cabs dont traverse the streets at 7 am)
8:30 AM - Arrive at airport (even though the cab ride is only 20 minutes (tops) to the airport, I leave a good 45 minutes to arrive at the airport - what happens if I hit traffic!)
8:45 AM - I haven't printed my boarding pass so I need at least 15 -20 minutes to get that together and then it takes like...an hour to go through Security. Holy shit, I'm really cutting this close.
10:10 AM - Finally got through security, the flight is already boarding. SHIT! Run to terminal and pray to the god I don't believe in that I make it.
10:30 AM - Flight takes off. (I spend the entirety of the flight eying passengers to ensure there is no 9/11 part deux).

So that's what I think when I make my plan for how long everything will take. In reality it went like this.

6:30 AM - Wake up. I packed the night before so...I umm... call a cab?
6:34 AM - Cab is called, I'm dressed with all my bags in tow. Please don't forget I'm now an official US amputee. This will make things difficult right?
6:40 AM - I make it downstairs to wait for my cab, but several cabs are lined up to take people. They ask me if I need a ride and I take one from the competition of the cab company I called. (I hope that poor bastard is still waiting for me to come).
6:45 AM - On the way to the airport apparently I felt thoughts of death (I don't recall this at all, but my notebook says so, so I believe it. Maybe it was the gargantuan amount of blood I lost.)
7:00 AM - Arrive at airport! I'm now and 1:30 ahead of schedule if you are keeping track at home.
7:15 AM - Finish checking in (I went to the wrong terminal at first.) Because I have a legitimate limp to my step, I'm getting quite a few lips. I realize that I often stare at people with limps because I wonder how they got it and feel somewhat bad that they are crippled for life. I do not enjoy the fact people will think I am a cripple for life. (Even worse, I'm afraid people will think I was crippled in the recent "Mexico Emo Wars.")
7:30 AM - Through security. OK at this point my flight takes off in 3 hours. I may have overshot just a tad.

To waste time I decide to visit Earl Campbell's Restaurant. For those of you blissfully unaware, Earl Campbell was a running back for the Houston Oilers in the 70's...or 80s. Nonetheless, he is irrelevant in my world, until now, when he provides me with a terrible breakfast croissant, that was no joke, the size of a football. (I'll never understand the fascination with sports players naming restaurants after themselves. I mean...do you really think a half-retarded football player who suffered years of concussions is the best man to get your meal from? I say no. Unless Emeril comes out with his own line of sports balls, this practice should be banned.) (Also, it is uncool to name things after football plays. It makes everyone feel dumb to order it. The woman in front of me ordered the "Training Camp Burrito" which may or may not have included real bits of turf in it.)

My day will goes as follows. Austin to Houston to Atlanta to Raleigh. Should be fun. I spend the next 3 hours reading, but consciously realize that 4 other flights on my airline have left from Austin to Houston. (Next time I'm showing up 12 minutes before my flight, this will avoid any self esteem crushing airport waits.)

I get to Houston and realize that because the fucking crew couldnt get the goddamn plane door open once we were docked (or whatever the non space ship term is) I have 10 minutes before my plane boards. If you have never been to the Houston airport let me draw you a picture of what it looks like.


Now if you can read this clusterfuck of a map, congrats you have me beat. But the way its laid out, means that A and B are not connected to C,D & E. I arrived at gate E in International Arrivals, all the way in the bottom right corner. My connecting flight, scheduled to leave in 30 minuets was slated to depart from the far corner of Terminal B. It took me a good 10 minutes to even find the tram and by that time I was already in C. So I got to B about 15 minutes before the flight was supposed to take off. Only to find that it was delayed. (It was also at this point I realized that Houston airport has no A/C. I'm sure this is George Bush's doing.)

Austin to Houston is about 45 minutes in a plane. Atlanta to Raleigh is about the same. Houston to Atlanta? Oh about 2+ hours. So which flight do you think had the smallest plane? Mmhmm. The type of plane that a 6' 1" man such as myself, can not stand up straight in. How does it make sense to have a puddle jumper go the longest distance? (It doesn't). My one real qualm lays in the height situation. Don't hire normal flight attendants for these flights, hire midgets. It's more entertaining and it gives you less of a feeling like you are being stuffed in a metal death box.

So that was Texas. Just as glamorous as I had heard about. If you have the chance to go, pull an "18 year old circa the Vietnam War" and cut off your pinky toe to avoid going. I kid you not. I will be back in the next week or so with some new sections, including some "flashback" posts of adventures I've had, Things I Hate, Things That Scare Me and the introduction of a weekly "Live Blog." Stay tuned for great things and tell more people to read (the more people that read, the more I can sell ads for and the more annoyed you can be! Everyone wins!)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Time I Visited Texas - Day 3

Day 3 and 4 of Texas were pretty grueling. After getting in at 4 AM Friday night from work I had the chance to sleep for two hours on a couch too small for my gigantic (pink) thighs. That's ok, it was all worth it because I had a scratchy blanket to cover me from the bone chilling Texas heat.

When I awoke at 6 AM, I did some stretches and realized that my ankle was locking up on me (in no way do I relate this to the fact that I was recently diagnosed as 40 lbs overweight...much). So I stretched the ole ball and chain out and went to work. The good news about today's event was that it was outdoors on the third floor of a restaurant, even better news was that the equipment company we hired for sound only had 3 guys show up for load in and thus I was put on the task (note I was also RUNNING the stage, I am way too fragile for this).

After suffering through several cuts to the wrists and hands and snapping my ankle in half I was able to finish loading in (only 6 hours till load out). Throughout the event the ankle locked up more and I, being the weather wizard I am, became quite sunburned in the forearm area.

Load out was less painful (other than my no-food induced vomitting spat. Have you ever puked only water? It's really quite a good time.) I went back to the hotel bleeding from several locations (including my ankle which was now completely severed) and decided i probably needed to eat SOMETHING. I think about ordering food in but realize I have no cash and I've learned never to trust a delivery boy with your credit card. So, I decided to haul ass down to What-A-Burger.

What-A-Burger is a restaurant chain in...the South? (I Would leave the question mark off, but I live in the south and have never seen one. So I'll just say Texas.) What-A-Burger is a restaurant in Texas ...well it's fast food. Anyway, like the name says, I've heard they make very good burgers. I hobble my way 3 blocks down the street (my ankle is held on with glue, courtesy of the Hanson Brothers) and on my way I notice a large amount of people literally scurrying across the street. During SXSW most of the people on the street are hipsters from out of town, and would never even be seen scurrying (I'm surprised they are willing to walk in the heat). I knew this must be special. Then it clicked.

ICE CUBE was playing a free show tonight!!!! Yes THE Ice Cube from Daddy Day Care 2 fame!!!! (Oh god I hope he re-enacts scenes from the movie. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.) I decided that the townsfolk would probably steal my foot and try to get it autographed, so I traversed forward to What-A-Burger. Once I got there I realized this was possibly worse than Bojangles. The menu looked like shit and they barely had interesting names for their burgers. I decided on a number 5 - which had some sort of meat followed by cheese and more meat.

Now I normally peel everything right off the burger other than meat and cheese (lettuce and tomato are just a tad to healthy for fast food). However, on this burger they put EVERYTHING on. Lettuce, Tomato, Onions, Pickles, Mustard...and no ketchup. Thus, after hobbling back to my room, I spent the next 10 minutes making sure there were no remnants of mustard or onions on the burger. By the time the burger was probably too cold and thus, it sucked. So the lesson here is that What-A-Burger isn't as good as advertised (even though I've never seen an ad for it...and as a matter of fact, I have no idea where I heard about it.)

Once I throated the burger down I turned on the tube (it was 7 at this point and I was about an hour away from bed). I turn on True Lies and luckily its the scene where alleged bulldyke Jamie Lee Curtis strips for her husband, as her husband poses as a rich man hiring a prostitute and she poses as a prostitute trying to seduce a rich man so that she can save her husband. (I've seen this movie 3 times and this is the only scene I've every seen...yeah. it's that good). I proceed to watch the end of the scene and try to erase my mind from thinking of Jami Lee Curtis in any sort of sexual way.

Sleep finds me moments later - early flight to catch. The good news is that I'll get to see 4 cities tomorrow!!!! Hooray for layovers! I'm sure that with air travel in its currently amazing state this wont be an issue. Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of "The Time I Visited Texas."

Things I Hate: Mary J. Blige

TakeTheMonorail: i hate mary j more than you can imagine
ragz008: haha really?
TakeTheMonorail: yes
ragz008: :-(
TakeTheMonorail: i really hate that video where she sings "lets get it crunk up on it something something in this misery" or whatever the fucking lyrics are
TakeTheMonorail: and she has a fake bowl hair cut that is blue and gray
ragz008: in this dancery
TakeTheMonorail: DANCERY?
TakeTheMonorail: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
ragz008: DANCE-ER-RY
ragz008: it's a dr. dre track!
ragz008: and it was terrible
TakeTheMonorail: right and she has a fucking blue and gray wig and it bounces around when she does her dumb dance moves





TakeTheMonorail: and it was that phase of hip hop where they shot everything in letterbox
ragz008: lol
TakeTheMonorail: and they would put a neon color on the edge of the letter box
TakeTheMonorail: hers was green

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh1tsN1KmJA


TakeTheMonorail: i believe ja rule had a blue one
ragz008: wow you must HATE hype williams
TakeTheMonorail: basically
ragz008: haha
TakeTheMonorail: and then her next fucking album is all "soul" and she wins 20 fucking grammys
ragz008: what about the cool one in slim thug's "i ain't heard of that?"





TakeTheMonorail: NO ONE who wears a blue wig should win a grammy unless they are tony bennet



ragz008: where the letterboxes were just spliced shots?!
ragz008: THAT was cool
ragz008: hahahaha
TakeTheMonorail: i dont know of this slim thug
TakeTheMonorail: please let me continue with my mary J hatred
TakeTheMonorail: and then she comes out with the fucking steroid thing
TakeTheMonorail: and how old is she 50?
TakeTheMonorail: i mean she is way past her prime
ragz008: 37
TakeTheMonorail: i guess her lord jesus told her to do roids
ragz008: haha you hate her a lot
TakeTheMonorail: i wrote a blog about it at some point
TakeTheMonorail: but i cant seem to find it
TakeTheMonorail: maybe i just took notes and talked about it on the radio
TakeTheMonorail: i remember being furious watching the grammys last year
ragz008: lol
ragz008: i never knew of this
TakeTheMonorail: i must of talked about it with scott
TakeTheMonorail: im gonna post this conversation on my blog so i can refer to it at another time

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Time I Visited Texas - Day 2

Welcome to the exciting middle part of my Texas Trilogy (everyone knows the middle movie is always the best in a trilogy...except in Star Wars, The Matrix and The Bourne series....) but please keep reading anyway, I promise I'll only let you down a little bit (and it will be gentle).

Friday

9:00 AM - I woke up extremely early (6 AM) and in between the waking hours of 6 and 9 I was able to accomplish many a task for work and returned to my hotel room to drop something off. What was waiting for me was a horrifying experience that would make any man rip out his spleen and then his eyeballs (the spleen - so that you die quickly and it needs to be before the eyes so that you can see what you are doing. Don't pretend that you haven't studied up on self-surgery). As I entered my room (shared with my co-workers) my co-worker quickly snaps his head upwards, in a startled fashion. I am just as a startled because I realize he is shirtless. The man was a veritable substitute for big foot. Needless to say I quickly exited the room and giggled on my way down the elevator (while secretly hoping Isaac Hanson would hop on and share my anecdote with me. We would both have a hearty laugh and an embrace).


1:15 PM - The rest of the morning was spent doing work and nothing of interest happened until I returned BACK to my hotel. As I entered through the back entrance I see HIM. THEM. ITS THE MOTHER FUCKING HANSONS. Live in color. I've probably never been closer to a celebrity this famous (retroactively of course) and I have to say it made me sad (not retroactively) for them. They looked the same as the most recent time I had seen them (on Cribs or the Mormon Today Show - airs at 4 am CST on CWTV (check your local listings)) and they were doing an interview for what I can only assume is the 10th anniversary of MMMbop.

Do you think they still play that live? Do you think they have played it over a million times by now? I would almost guarantee yes. As soon as we got to our room door, we looked down into the lobby and saw them disperse (presumably to go make more Mormon babies - look it up between the 3 of them, they have 10 kids. They are also 21, 23 and 24. That's a lot of baby making.) As I turned to enter the room my co-worker was already racing out of the room to try and get there autograph. She made it down just before they were about to plant their seed in the nearest fertile woman and was able to get their autograph (she also claimed they were all nice). Did she get their autograph on anything fancy, you ask? OF COURSE, a yellow legal pad. What for the ebay bid coming soon.

1 AM - I worked for the next 12 hours running an event for a client. Working and walking all day had left me severely chaffed (in the genital region, don't be grossed out, it's just my fat thighs telling me they are sore). Walking will be an issue for the rest of the weekend (yes I must do a lot of walking. I return to the hotel room by 4 am. Excited for the burning sensation in my thighs (this is what crabs must feel like) and the fact that I will be waking up in 2 hours. I love you Texas, you and your 93 degree heat in March.


Day 3 will come tomorrow!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Time I Visited Texas - Day 1

So recently I made my way down to the not-so-great state of Texas for the annual music industry jerk off called SXSW. Now this was my first time here and like its step sister (CMJ in NYC) it made me want to shoot a bunch of hipsters in the kneecaps. (If you are wondering yes it IS mandatory to have several capitalized letters in the name of a music industry festival - look out for the end all be all next year in Los Angeles - PBUBWFTMTYDRLTOB or "Please Blow Us Because We Find The Music That You Don't Really Listen To Or Buy.") Needless to say, patience is not my strong suit when it comes to arrogant fucks that are drunk for 4 consecutive days. So shall we begin?

I leave Thursday morning - the festival starts on Wednesday and runs until Sunday with thousands of bands and just as many parties (complete with cocaine and ribs!!!) running all week. (It's important to note that I was RSVP'ed to almost every party conceivable by a co-worker and was urged to go to as many as possible by another co worker, these people obviously don't know of my hatred of their kind.)

8:22 AM - I get through airport security - I mention this because something scary will come up later in this post. Just remember this and hope that you wear a 8 inch thick kevlar vest on your next flight.

8:45 AM - Is there a reason that the janitorial staff at most airports are conspicuous and creepy? Isn't this the easiest way to sneak something into an airport - pay the poor janitor with 1 eye and a club foot a few grand and some C4 mysteriously finds its way into a garbage can for terrorist pick up. (Yes I miss 24 and thus make up my own conspiracies.)

Anyway a man that closely resembles a human incarnation of a weasel was being pulled by his giant garbage can on wheels, while eye-ing the entire Florida A&M Rattlers Women's Basketball Team. Honestly it mad me quite uncomfortable and i wanted to throw up. Lucky for me, I happened to be eating a Popeye's Sausage Biscuit and thus my stomach was willing to oblige.

9:10 AM - The Florida A&M Rattlers coach decided to huddle her team up to have a nice little talk. I can only assume they lost the night before because despite their matching orange and green jumpsuits they had some sad faces on. The coach proceeded to have the rehearsed speech which I tuned out, but you could tell all the players weren't listening and were more concerned with who would be eating whose muff at 30,000 feet.

10:45 AM - My first flight takes me into Atlanta - where I have a brief 3 hour layover. I find a bathroom and immediately gifted with a present. What is this present you ask? A bit of blood in the urinal. I can't even begin to imagine how this happened - possibly spitting? a kidney stone? Nonetheless it had to have been done from long distance as airport urinals have automatic sensor flushes. This trip is going to be frightening.

12:40 PM - As I wait for the plane to board - I see an Elvis impersonator de-board from another plane. What makes this sighting unique was that he was not wearing any sort of regalia (like the sunglasses or suit). I could just tell that from his hair and his face that his profession was that of an Elvis impersonator. At what point inyour life do you decide you look so much like Elvis that you need to impersonate him? I say 3 years after college when your girlfriend just informs you she has the clap and she only likes "black cock," whatever that means.

1:15 PM - I board my plane to Austin and find out that I have the very last row on the plane. I will later find out that this portion of the plane is so loud, it sounds like the plane is about to fall out of the sky after we pass Alabama. (I would rather die than crash land in Alabama. Then again, I guess most people die from a plane crash anyway, so. I guess Cletus and his sister/wife won't be able to suck the life blood out of me.)

What I notice before take off is that a good 80% of the plane are indie hipsters (most likely from Brooklyn). This leads me to wonder why they didn't just teleport. Wait...you are telling me they don't have their own teleport? Less hip than I thought. The worst part of the hipster clan was that a good portion of them were about....50 or above (the biggest assholes in the industry). At a certain point, just give up on the "indie" look, you can't pull it off anymore. (No, not even you Elvis Costello.)

2:20 PM - The airplane is mid-air and people are starting to get comfortable. TOO comfortable. Two "music industry vets" decided to stand up and just mull through the airplane talking to people. I'm glad he is so sociable (especially since he had a notable prison tattoo) but do you really need to clog the one aisle in the airplane and stand with your arms outstretched against the overhead cabin? This man was very reminiscent of a "jersey guy" or the guy who runs Murder Inc records. Needless to say I hate him.

In my neck of the woods - we are almost quarantined from the rest of plane by the stewardess station. My section is all male - except for two girls sitting in front of me. It is at this point that they reveal themselves to be lesbians - by french kissing (this is like middle school fantasies come true) openly. The reaction to all this is the sound of jaws dropping (remember there are 20 coked up males whose pants are too tight.) I didn't search for the erections, but I'm sure they were there.

Speaking of coke - how do all these terrible people get coke to Austin? They can't take them on a flight - do they mail it to themselves beforehand? This would seem like a lot of work (and ingenuity) for a cokehead. If this is the case, then I'm impressed.

The final person of interest on this flight is a 40 something woman who looks uptight. Ok so maybe im judging a book by its cover, but then she proceeds to pull out a doctors surgical mask....Something you know, someone would wear to ensure they arent breathing in a toxic gas. This makes me curious - does she know something I don't know? Someone should rip it off her, we all breathe the same air on this flight dear.

3:15 PM - The flight lands and I proceed to wait 20 minutes while the whole rest of the plane unloads. I pick up my laptop and realize it has gum on it. It didn't have gum on it before...thus someone in front of me (THE FUCKING LESBIANS) stuck gum under the seat. From there it proceeds to be a slapstick scene from a movie - where the gum gets on my pants, my headphones, my iPod. I hate hipsters. (It took 2 hours to get all the gum completely off.)

5:15 PM - I have my first meeting and a co-worker decides that we can walk. She doesn't realize that this meeting is nearly 3 miles away. Let's just say by the end of tonight I'm gonna have some chaffing issues.

5:45 PM - I realize that I have a bug bite on my left arm. Being from NJ, I immediately think Tick Bite. As much as I want Lyme's disease, a busy week in Austin doesn't seem like just the right time to get it. So I decide to call urgent care places to see if they can take me. One claims they will need my SSN before they can make an appointment, so I give it to them (it's a doctor right? It'll be ok...Yes i fully expect to see several high end prostitute purchases in Austin to show up on my Credit card bill.) They decide they can't take me anyway, before they told me this they asked me what a "tick" was. The doctors in Austin are really smart.

6:15 PM - I make a visit to the local ER. I first hit the wrong section of the hospital, but I ask a kind security guard where the ER entrance is. He doesn't know.

I think: "So you are a security guard that doesn't know where the MAIN ENTRANCE is?"
He thinks: "Man I wonder where I can get some fine pussy"

I lurk around the complex until I find a small alcove with 5 parking spots - the sign overhead says Emergency Room. I think and hope this is Doctor's parking. So i cut through and make my way up a huge hill. Once i get to the top of the hill the ER entrance stairs me in the face. Construction is being done on half the door and I don't know if it was the sun or the Lyme's coursing through my veins, but I swear that this looked deserted. However, a quick glance to the right will show me a helicopter landing pad (with fully functional helicopter blades!!!) within 10 feet. Why do i feel like thats not the safest place for a helicopter to be parked.

Once I get in the real terror starts. I walk in and the desk is all the way through the lobby. Thus I encounter a bunch of people wearing the masks again (28 days later anyone?) and several receptionists twiddling their thumbs. I wait for about 3 minutes without being looked at and then I hear a moaning sound. I turn around to see a man in a wheelchair (and hospital gown) rolling himself around (while half passed out) and trying to pull the IV from his arm. He moans " I need a new bag." The receptionist mutters "Sir don't touch that."

Another patient says "there is nothing in his IV bag, the blood is backing up." The story splits here. My eyes go to his arm and slowly follows the blood climbing up the IV line INTO the bag. Yes blood was going in reverse into the bag. Slightly gross. At the same time my ears listen to the nurse say "huh? What do you mean its empty?" After the 5 seconds of shock wear off a loud crash comes from the other side of the room. I turn to see a drunk man passed out on a chair, wh had just dropped a gallon of gatorade. It was slowly spilling everyone and the only one who seemed concerned was the hobo sitting next to him, who didnt want orange gatorade on his shoes.

If you don't think this is a horror movie in waiting you are kidding yourself.

Needless to say, I left.


10:00 PM - After the 3 mile walk home I decide to unpack a bit (I am forced to sleep on a couch so unpacking is basically take my sleepwear out). Now remember when I told you to keep the security tid bit in mind...Well as I was unpacking I found a utility knife that i had used for several events in the past. The events wear event I had driven to, so subsequently the knife was left in my bag. It was in a small compartment in the front, so I didnt even see it when I was packing and BAM there is a knife that apparently passed through Airport security unnoticed.

Be thankful I am not a psycho and I like to sleep on flights. But if a knife in my bag can get through, can't anyone cant it through?

10:30 PM - I decide to look out the door of my hotel (it faces an inside lobby) to see where my co-worker was. Instead I am greeted with a see through elevator glance of the famous Isaac Hanson. OMG - this would've been huge news in 1999! Oh SXSW, you may be redeeming yourself after all. If washed up teen stars is what you give me, than consider me the happiest man alive!

Thursday Party Count: 0
Thursday Band Count: 0

Check back tomorrow for Day 2 and see if I slept with Isaac Hanson!