The Time I Experienced Real Southern Dining

So, in contrast to the Barrel (CB's as I like to now call it, so I can sound appropriately like a trucker), I went to a little "Meat and Two" in Greensboro called Hable's Hearth. I'll be honest, it doesn't sound delicious as my mind automatically connects olde English words like "hearth" with "cholera" and "your ox couldn't forde the river." Needless to say Brandon and I were hungry and so we departed work to visit Hable's Hearth on a Tuesday or possibly a Wednesday. 

Brandon had only heard of this place through a friend and I'm pretty sure that friend had never actually eaten there, so we have no point of reference for this meat and two (Side note: A meat and two is a restaurant where you choose 1 meat and two vegetables. The menu incorrectly listed Mac and Cheese and possibly Grits as vegetables.) I was also made aware that this place was in the basement of some other type of store on a street that I rarely visit and parking was sketchy at best. We found the place and then got out of the car and instantly realized this place had no windows and I guarantee you've probably never been in a restaurant with no windows, because you would remember it, you feel like you are eating at grandma's and that you won't be escaping until you clean your plate and fix here 1977 microwave. Good times. 

Once we walk in, we are immediately greeted by a sign that says "THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT, DONT CURSE, DONT BE RUDE. TIP." Or something like that. This automatically made me feel like smashing the windows they didn't have. I am greeted by a waitress that seats us immediately at a booth where the seats were definitely rescued from a school cafeteria, it was that shitty plastic that sticks to your legs but is somehow also still ice cold, great for any temperature occasion! (This is not suprising considering, the seats cannot tell what the weather is like outside and I guess they just try to do their best to make you feel hot and cold all at once. And yes I'm hung up on the no windows thing. I think it's just weird to basically eat in someone's basement unless the food is free.)

The rest of the dining room is what my parents basement looked like in 1987. Wood panelling, miscolored shag carpet and a retractable screen door that apparently seperated the giant smoking section from the small 7 table non-smoking section. The "kitchen" was in the dining room and was seperated by dated interlocking wood fencing so you could see the workers not spit (or spit) into your food. 

We order quickly and we both get the special "Chicken Dumplings, 1 Side, 1 Drink for 6.00 even (with tax)". Sounded like a deal. The waiter then gave us cornbread and inferred that it was unlimited (I would test this.) Less than 3 minutes later the food came out on plastic plates that I ate off of as a child (half because it was the 80's and half because I was a child and I was given plastic so I wouldn't smash it.) Apparently this restaurant doesn't trust it's clientele to not have a civil war flashback and start smashing. 

The food didn't look great (possibly because it was obviously pre-prepared) but it tasted pretty good. There is nothing like eating a combination of Chicken, Dumplings and cornbread off of plastic. Brandon and I couldn't decide between mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes, so we each got one and divided it in half. I tried the sweet potatoes first and they were pretty good but tasted like they had been doused in cinnamon or some other ingredient that screamed "AUTUMN RECIPE." The mashed potatoes were decent at best and Brandon and I both agreed that while it wasn't great, it was worth the $6. 

After finishing my meal, I ordered two more free cornbreads (they weren't that good, but they were FREE) and polished them off while Brandon and I debated who "Hable" was. I decided that it was a last name because Hable as a first name just seems too dumb and the only name close is to it is Hazel and you might be retarded if you are aiming for Hazel and you get Hable. Brandon spewed some argument about another first name that rhymes with Hable that I can't remember (Mable?), and was convinced it could be a first name. So as we checked out, Brandon noticed a sign that indicated Hable was the last name and I was victorious. 

I can not declare a winner in the Faux Southern dining vs Real southern dining because both were not places I'd jump to go back to. If it was about money I'd go Hable's because it was dirt cheap and sometimes I like to cower in spaces with no natural light. The atmosphere in both? Nothing short of atrocious and the food was pretty close to equal as the mad scientists at CB's know how to make your eyes feel like they want to fuck a skillet. 

The Time I Experience True (and Faux) Southern Dining

Recently, I had the chance to experience two contrasting styles of Southern dining. Being a New Jersey transplant, I try to avoid any sort of Southern leaning life experiences, but with the blog running short on topics I took a bullet or 2 for the team and decided to try a Cracker Barrel (which I'm sure REAL southerners would scoff at while trailer park southerners get their best shoes on when they go out for the big Sunday dinner at CB) and a "Meat-N-Two" (doesn't this already sound delicious?)

I went to the Cracker Barrel with Amelia in the middle of the afternoon on a random Wednesday or Thursday (who can remember? I was so giddy for the experience). Now, in all honesty, I have been to a Cracker Barrel once before, but it was at least 8 years ago when my mind wasn't fully capable of realizing the complete retardation this restaurant represents. We get to Cracker Barrel and we have to swim through a sea of rocking chairs that probably sit about 5 feet high (they may or may not have been built for Paul Bunyan and his ox, Blue) and two Cracker Barrel employees who decided to do some paperwork outside (although what actually happened was one decided to do paperwork outside then called upon the second to physically stop the papers from blowing away.)

Once inside you have to make your way through a gift shop/general store. Now this is something I can't really comprehend, who really needs to commerate a trip to a restaurant (which is a chain and can be found in every city from Virginia to Florida) by buying Cracker Barrel paraphenalia and other weird southern knick knacks. The rocking chairs are included in the things you can purchase (only $189!!!). Again, these chairs are at least 5 feet and will only fit in the bed of a pick up truck, this will tell you all you need to know about Cracker Barrel clientele - They assume that you will be bringing a pick up truck with you today. Good times. 

We are seating in the non smoking section, which bears a terrible similarity to the smoking section in that it smells just like...the smoking section. A quick glance to my left and I discover that the only seperating these two sections is a half wall with a wooden fence like structure (specifically designed for letting smoke through, I think). Our waitress (Ashley?) comes up and she is nice enough until I realize that she has a 2 star apron. What is a 2 star apron, you ask? Well apparently CB decided that they would rank their waitresses and then let you know which ones are shitty. The thinking went something like this "Oh hey new customer, this is your waitress Ashley. We could have given you a 4 star, or even a 3 star, but we want you to know that you are getting a two star waitress. See, we've even embroidered it on her apron, kind of like a shoutout to Hitler. Here at Cracker Barrel we will give you our 3rd best quality waitress and hate Jews, like the true southerners we are."

It was ordering time - we both decided on some sort of "Skillet Special" - hers was broccoli cheese, maybe some chicken? and bread crumbs in lieu of rice. Could you eat that many  bread crumbs? Did you know bread crumbs could be substituted for rice? WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?  I had the mushroom, rice, chicken combo. Both orders came quick and were somewhat delicious although I felt like I had just ingested a tube of slow digesting glue. 

While waiting on the food I notice a card on the table saying that Cracker Barrel had collecte unique American merchandise and hung it on the walls (this is completely original, no matter what TGIFridays, Applebee's Chili's, or any local bar says or hangs on the wall. CB WANTS YOU TO REMEMBER THIS.) They also say that you can look around and check it all out. I was hoping no one would do this because it would be weird to be eating and have someone leaning over your table to look at Louis Armstrong's saxaphone reed or an old KKK picture while you are shoveling down corn bread that had no sweetness at all. Cracker Barrel gets a B on Food and a C on creepiness. 

Part 2 Tomorrow.