Monday, September 29, 2008
We're You Aware of It?
Ummm, WTF? will return to its normally scheduled broadcast when I don't feel like burning down every trailer park within a 30 mile radius. So, like a week or so.
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Part 2)
Welcome back to the Emmy's. Amazing Race is currently accepting their award and Don Rickles is still old.
3:54 - Here comes Sally Field to fill our annoying quota of the night. She is here to present outstanding mini series. There are way too many of these categories. Apparently time skips forward and Tom hanks is now on stage. So what ever he produced won.
3:56 - Heidi Klum and Tom Bergeron do a little comedy bit and then they get serious as Klum tries to pronounce Kristen Chenoweth. (Which do you think was funnier?) That's ok here comes NPH (Doogie Howser) to present oustanding individual performance in a variety program. Don Rickles wins and I'll I want is for these silly variety, reality and mini series awards to be over. (Also, I know the results from here on out, so we will just say I finished the night at about 3/12.)
4:01 - Wayne Brady and an old lady from a cadillac commercial present best actor in a guest series. I bet the combined ages of the winners are over 120. Let's find out shall we. Glen Turman and Cynthia Nixon win and sadly they clock in at a combined 100. If I put money on these I'd only have 3 fingers left.
4:02 - Outstanding directing in a drama series, Boston Legal, Breaking Bad, Damages, House, & Mad Men. House wins because everyone loves a snobby british man making fun of dumb Americans. Oustanding writing nominees - Battlestar Galactica, Damages, Mad Men (twice) and The Wire. Mad Men wins and I have to admit I've never seen the show, despite watching more than 30 hours of television per week (I'm an advertisers dream).
4:0 7 - In case you were wondering the Emmy's are brought to by Macy's. I think, I can't be 100% sure only about 80% of the commericals have been for Macy's.
4:09 - Cruella Deville is here to prsent outstanding actor in a miniseries. It's amazing that Glenn Close has looked about 55 for the last 20 years. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing for her or a bad thing for. Who wants to look 55 forever? Paul Giamatti wins and I discover that he palyed himself in Sideways.
4:11 - Candace Bergen to present Lead Actor in a comedy series. She has all the same features as Glenn Close (raspy voice, blond hair and leather instead of skin). If they are gonna throw these two into the show, lets spread em out so Don Rickles doesn't get confused. Alec Baldwin wins (deservedly), let's see if he a) goes crazy and b) goes liberal.
4:13 - Vanessa Williams and America Ferrera comes out to present best actress in a drama and (un)fortunately they forget to turn her mic on. Glenn Close wins, but I'm falling behind here because the quinhosts wasted so much time in the beginning of the show and now they are literally ripping through the rest of the show. Vanessa Williams came out and looked to say "here are the nominees" No intro at all. Too bad Glenn Close is here to drag us back to earth.
4:16 - And now the retrospection of all the people who have died this year. I'll list the ones I've heard of:
Charlton Heston
Estelle Getty
Sydney Pollack
Bernic Mac
Tim Russert
Issac Hayes
George Carlin
(about 3% of names shown)
4:19 - Lead actor in a drama series as presented by Kiefer Sutherland. Bryan Cranston wins. Which I guess is nice, but considering he was on Malcom in the Middle....(and he shaved his head), eh, I feel like they could have gotten someone more presitgious.
4:22 - Brooke Shields and a drunk Craig Ferguson come out to present lead actress in a comedy series. I can't believe this man got his own late night show. Tina Fey will win this. This sounds like a sweep for 30 Rock tonight. The lesson here is that even if you take off your clothes you won't win an Emmy (Mary Louise Parker, I'm looking at you. I mean, especially after 4 seasons. You decide to bare all now? Desperation much?).
4:25 - Jimmy Kimmel to present best reality host. I hope whoever wins gets to host alone the rest of the night and everyone else gets murdered. Jimmy Kimmel does a funny reality, getting voted off bit, but it gets a little old real fast. Including a commercial break! It's JUST like reality TV. Someone kill Seacrest pelase.
4:27 - Jeff Probst wins, he really needs to cut his hair, he looks like a short guy in his 40's trying to act cooler than he is. (No tie? What????? You are soooooooooo edgy Probst).
4:28 - Mary Tyler Moore as a classic show fades into Mary Tyler Moore to present best Comedy on TV. (Which means that best reality show host is considered the third most important award of the night). She introduces Betty White for no apparent reason (being old?) As long as Two and Half Men doesn't win, I won't have to kill anyone. 30 Rock wins (of course). 2 years in a row. So umm....will people start watching so that I can get more seasons.
4:32 - Tom Selleck to present this biggest award of the night (Drama Series). Why Tom Selleck you ask? (The answer: He can read). Mad Men wins and I pack it in for the night. Time to beat that crazy LA traffic.
To conclude - because Howie Mandel wasted 4 minutes in the beginning of the show, the most important 4 awards took a collective 6 minutes.
PS Jeff Probst did host the rest of the show by himself (called that) and says "Good Night." (Poor guy has to get back to his dressing room to change into his Polyester John Travolta suit or his "getting laid suit" as he calls it.
Good night.
3:54 - Here comes Sally Field to fill our annoying quota of the night. She is here to present outstanding mini series. There are way too many of these categories. Apparently time skips forward and Tom hanks is now on stage. So what ever he produced won.
3:56 - Heidi Klum and Tom Bergeron do a little comedy bit and then they get serious as Klum tries to pronounce Kristen Chenoweth. (Which do you think was funnier?) That's ok here comes NPH (Doogie Howser) to present oustanding individual performance in a variety program. Don Rickles wins and I'll I want is for these silly variety, reality and mini series awards to be over. (Also, I know the results from here on out, so we will just say I finished the night at about 3/12.)
4:01 - Wayne Brady and an old lady from a cadillac commercial present best actor in a guest series. I bet the combined ages of the winners are over 120. Let's find out shall we. Glen Turman and Cynthia Nixon win and sadly they clock in at a combined 100. If I put money on these I'd only have 3 fingers left.
4:02 - Outstanding directing in a drama series, Boston Legal, Breaking Bad, Damages, House, & Mad Men. House wins because everyone loves a snobby british man making fun of dumb Americans. Oustanding writing nominees - Battlestar Galactica, Damages, Mad Men (twice) and The Wire. Mad Men wins and I have to admit I've never seen the show, despite watching more than 30 hours of television per week (I'm an advertisers dream).
4:0 7 - In case you were wondering the Emmy's are brought to by Macy's. I think, I can't be 100% sure only about 80% of the commericals have been for Macy's.
4:09 - Cruella Deville is here to prsent outstanding actor in a miniseries. It's amazing that Glenn Close has looked about 55 for the last 20 years. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing for her or a bad thing for. Who wants to look 55 forever? Paul Giamatti wins and I discover that he palyed himself in Sideways.
4:11 - Candace Bergen to present Lead Actor in a comedy series. She has all the same features as Glenn Close (raspy voice, blond hair and leather instead of skin). If they are gonna throw these two into the show, lets spread em out so Don Rickles doesn't get confused. Alec Baldwin wins (deservedly), let's see if he a) goes crazy and b) goes liberal.
4:13 - Vanessa Williams and America Ferrera comes out to present best actress in a drama and (un)fortunately they forget to turn her mic on. Glenn Close wins, but I'm falling behind here because the quinhosts wasted so much time in the beginning of the show and now they are literally ripping through the rest of the show. Vanessa Williams came out and looked to say "here are the nominees" No intro at all. Too bad Glenn Close is here to drag us back to earth.
4:16 - And now the retrospection of all the people who have died this year. I'll list the ones I've heard of:
Charlton Heston
Estelle Getty
Sydney Pollack
Bernic Mac
Tim Russert
Issac Hayes
George Carlin
(about 3% of names shown)
4:19 - Lead actor in a drama series as presented by Kiefer Sutherland. Bryan Cranston wins. Which I guess is nice, but considering he was on Malcom in the Middle....(and he shaved his head), eh, I feel like they could have gotten someone more presitgious.
4:22 - Brooke Shields and a drunk Craig Ferguson come out to present lead actress in a comedy series. I can't believe this man got his own late night show. Tina Fey will win this. This sounds like a sweep for 30 Rock tonight. The lesson here is that even if you take off your clothes you won't win an Emmy (Mary Louise Parker, I'm looking at you. I mean, especially after 4 seasons. You decide to bare all now? Desperation much?).
4:25 - Jimmy Kimmel to present best reality host. I hope whoever wins gets to host alone the rest of the night and everyone else gets murdered. Jimmy Kimmel does a funny reality, getting voted off bit, but it gets a little old real fast. Including a commercial break! It's JUST like reality TV. Someone kill Seacrest pelase.
4:27 - Jeff Probst wins, he really needs to cut his hair, he looks like a short guy in his 40's trying to act cooler than he is. (No tie? What????? You are soooooooooo edgy Probst).
4:28 - Mary Tyler Moore as a classic show fades into Mary Tyler Moore to present best Comedy on TV. (Which means that best reality show host is considered the third most important award of the night). She introduces Betty White for no apparent reason (being old?) As long as Two and Half Men doesn't win, I won't have to kill anyone. 30 Rock wins (of course). 2 years in a row. So umm....will people start watching so that I can get more seasons.
4:32 - Tom Selleck to present this biggest award of the night (Drama Series). Why Tom Selleck you ask? (The answer: He can read). Mad Men wins and I pack it in for the night. Time to beat that crazy LA traffic.
To conclude - because Howie Mandel wasted 4 minutes in the beginning of the show, the most important 4 awards took a collective 6 minutes.
PS Jeff Probst did host the rest of the show by himself (called that) and says "Good Night." (Poor guy has to get back to his dressing room to change into his Polyester John Travolta suit or his "getting laid suit" as he calls it.
Good night.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Part 1)
Here we are live from the Emmy's. Now I'm obsessed with television so this is kind of like my bible. (If the bible was acted out by people that were much more attractive than us humans.)
8:46 (Apparently there is some sort of hold up) Oprah kicks off the evening and luckily this is not the fat Oprah, it's the mildly chunky Oprah. I don't think she is hosting because the ads I've seen have about 10 different hosts fake brawling with each other. High entertainment.
8:47 Oprah makes a joke at her own expense, but secretly the last laugh is on us. Collectively we gave her 8 Billion dollars last year. No joke. She is generous though - $4 billion went to charity and the other half went to Double Stuffs and dildos.
8:49 - Our hosts - Tom Bergeron, Ryan Seacrest, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel and Heidi Klum. I'll bet 100 dollars that a) everyone will talk over each other the entire night and that b) Ryan Seacrest will end up hosting the show on his own by 10:00 PM. As I type this, Heidi Klum has yet to say anything.
8:50 - The Quinhosts wet my appettite by telling me they have NOTHING and that this is not a bit. Way to make me want to watch! Tom Bergeron has also said nothing and now he is staring at the ceiling I guess if there isn't a home video of a child punching a dad in the balls playing behind him, he's got nothing.
8:52 - We've already encountered 8 references to last years awful show (hosted by Seacrest). This can only mean that Seacrest is on the war path and someone will die tonight. They follow up this by ripping clothes off of Heidi Klum. Nothing like kicking off your awards show by showing the first step of a date rape live, on air! (And having half your female audience flashback to the time in college when they had one too many Jaegar Bombs).
8:55 - Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to present outstanding supporting actor in a comedy. Their bit is a little funny and even more racist. Let's see how many negative connotations we can get in tonight ABC. I'll provide a checklist:
Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest
Terrorism
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show
8:59 - John Cryer, Kevin Dillon, NPH (WINNER PLEASE), Jeremy "The Piv" Piven and Rainn Wilson nominated. I think Rainn will win. But NPH deserves it. He's NPH.
9:00 - Nope, it's The Piv. Entourage may suck these days but it's good to know that you can be rewarded for playing your douche bag self. Piven's speech starts with a story about a plane and roofing (this is bordering on terrorism). He wraps it up with a warm thank you, but I know he doesn't mean it.
9:01 - Commercial break, but not before I learn Josh Groban will be performing 30 theme songs tonight. I hope you won't mind if I puncture my ear drums now and just watch with close captions from now on.
9:03 - We are back and Tom Bergeron is sitting in the Seinfeld diner with Seacrest. This is a reflection back upon the golden days of TV (1992) and they play a clip on "The Contest." Did they not learn anything from last years 5 hour epic? CUT IT DOWN.
9:05 Julia Louis Dreyfus looks awesome for 55(ish). Too bad her new show (on CBS!) blows. She presents supporting actress in a comedy series. Nominees - Kristin Chenoweth, Amy Poehler, Jean Smart (she'll be arriving in a coffin), some bitch from two and a helf men, Vanessa Williams. Come on Chenoweth!!!!! Nope, Jean Smart. At least it wasn't supporting Two and A Half men. I have a feeling they will be nominated in every category and I don't understand why people like that show, it's Charlie Sheen and a nerd. Could you get more fucking generic? Oh, yeah and Charlie Sheen fucks a lot of women in the show. He really streches himself for this role.
9:08 - Jean Smart babbles on about nothing and starts to cry. She gets the wrap up music (or so my close caption says. Yes, they DO have closed captioning in the theater. They are pretty high tech.)
9:10 - Awkward kiss between Heidi Klum and Jeff Probst, that was fun, ya know to see Jeff Probst get erect on stage. They introduce Desperate Housewives as part of the "classic show" theme. Yeah.....I think everyone stopped caring about that show after season 1. Oh wait, it's on ABC you say? And these Emmy's are on ABC????? Oh, then yes it is a classic. The wives present best supporitng actor in a drama. Note: Felicity Huffman showed up as her character from Transamerica I think, but at this point I can't tell.
9:13 - Michael Emerson, Russian Guy, Ted Danson, William Shatner (although hes the comic relief) and John Slattery. I want Michael Emerson from Lost to win. Real bad. But Shatner will win. Nope, Russian guy wins. Let down, let's see if he speaks English. Yes, he does, with no accent. Another let down.
9:15 - Ricky Gervais. He's fucking smarmy (he did the original "The Office," you know the one that everyone thinks is funnier because they are snobby. Well, they get the snobbiness from him.) He introduces a bunch of "hilarious" acceptance speeches. I only laugh out loud once, at Brad Garrett no less. Yes, I'm ashamed FOR me.
9:18 - Gervais brings it back in and takes a dig at Steve Carell, invoking a genuinely hilarious stare down. He then proceeds to hop down and tickle him, so that Steve Carell will give him an emmy. He does and we get to nominees for director for variety. Academy Awards, Colbert, Daily Show, and SNL. ...Daily Show I bet. Nope, the guy who directed the Academy Awards. Fun fact, last year's Academy Awards were the lowest rated awards of all time! Yep he deserves it.
9:22 - Another classic show - The Simpsons. Conan O'Brien then appears in the Simpsons living room. ITS MAGIC! I can't make fun of the cone zone, I love him. He is here to present best supporting actress in a drama. He takes a stab at Katherine Heigl and everyone laughs (shes to good for TV, according to herself. Bitch) Nominees are Candice Bergen, Rachel Griffiths, Sandra Oh, Dianne Wiest, Chandra Wilson. I don't watch any of these shows, so I'll say Dianne Wiest. WINNER! That makes me 1/5.
9:25 - Jennifer Love "Big Tits McGee" Hewitt and Hayden "Floppy Boobs, Fat Ass" Paniettiere present outstanding writing on a variety program. One is hotter than the other, I'll let you guess based on my nicknames. (By the way Hayden Panitierre has a really oddly shaped body for a young "vixen". It's like she used to be a fat little kid that could act and her mom was like, LOSE THE WEIGHT, WHALE. And she did except in her ass and hips.) Nominees are: Stephen Colbert, Daily Show, Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, Late Show w/ David Letterman and SNL. I'll vote Colbert. WINNER again! I'm on a roll officially.
9:30 - Jeff Probst and Howie Mandel take the stage as I swallow a thimble full of vomit (I stole that line from the new Chuck Klosterman book. I love him.) They do this terrible bit that mirrors Deal or No Deal. How creative. Eventually they introduce Steve Martin, lets hope its funny Steve Martin and not "sad old I like to write myself into films as the old guy that obsesses over Claire Danes" Steve Martin.
9:32 - Funny Steve Martin wins, but it doesn't last as he continues the clasic TV show bit with "The Smothers Brothers," which went off the air about 30 years before I was born. (Nice work ABC, hit the old demographic and the sad desperate housewive from 3 years ago demographic). Turns out its a lifetime award from Tommy Smothers and it also turns out that I could care less.
9:36 - Tommy Smothers is babbling. The old man obviously thinks he is at a Shriner's meeting in Oshkosh, Wisconsin and starts saying (unintelligibly, of course) that war is bad. That's also pretty close to terrorism on the checklist. Let's check in:
Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest (If only Angelia Jolie did that guest appearance on Law and Order. She would totally be making out with her brother right now)
Terrorism (Half check)
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show
9:40 - Seacrest introduces Groban to sing a medley of 30 songs. If you are unfamiliar with Groban he makes 50 year old women that drive Lexus' swoon. I guess if you had to classify his style it would be "gay" (other artists in this genre include Clay Aiken, Barry Manilow and Tony Bennett (don't worry Tony Bennett will be appearing later on when he wins his 49th consecutive Emmy for best musical special on PBS).
9;43 - Groban proves that he is the biggest star of our era by covering everything from Primus (South Park) to Will Smith (Fresh Prince) and of course the coup d'etat, Two and a Half Men. All while doing a half falsetto, half chewbacca type voice. It's quite the spectacle.
9:45 - Alec Baldwin (I also like him, even though he would probably call me a walrus because I once was in the same city as him). He introduces lead actress in a miniseries (ps the miniseries categories are a sham, how many miniseries do you think were produced this year? 5. How many nominees are there per category. 5. Hmm...interesting. A bunch of old ladies are nominated and Laura Linney wins (by the youngest of the bunch). I wouldn't have guessed her so I'm now 2/7. Laura Linney can never carry a movie though. She's like Renee Zellwegger in 8 years. (Without all the weight fluctuation and dating Jack White, of course).
9:51 - Tom Bergeron introduces Laugh In as a classic show. I'm gonna take a nap. The cast of Laugh In reunites to present outstanding variety series. They do characters they used to do and simultaneously lose 85% of their audience. Nominees - Colbert Report, Daily Show, Letterman, (notice a theme here?) Bill Mahr, and SNL. 4 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Daily show wins (I would voted Colbert - as I'm a staunch fake republican as well). 2/8. Are you playing along at home? Probably not, you are probably asleep. (I don't understand how Colbert wins for best writing and Daily Show wins best show. If you have the best writing don't you have the best show?)
9:58 - Best guest actor in a comedy series - brought to you by Lauren Conrad (this is worse than it seems, she has now been dignified in real life Hollywood, not just MTV Hollywood. ABC will regret this.) Nominees - Will Arnett (my pick), the dad from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Steve Buscemi, Tim Conway and Rip Torn. Guest Actress - Edie Falco, Carrie Fisher, Kathryn Joosten, Sarah Silverman, Elaine Stritch. Winners? Tim Conway and Kathryn Joosten. Interesting to note that 7 out of the 10 nominees were on 30 Rock (the best comedy on TV.) Neither of these people get an acceptance speech. (I think ABC just edited out 5 minutes of cheering.)
10:02 - Director in a comedy series (The Office twice, Pushing Daises, 30 Rock and something else). Pushing Daisies wins and I'm 3/11. Pushing Daises is one awesome f'in show (We're You Aware of It?). Barry Sonnenfeld gives a shaky acceptance speech and he just might cry.
10:03 Lauren Conrad is still on stage. Best writing in a comedy series (The Office, Flight of the Concords, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock twice.) I vote for the Office considering the nominated episode was written immediately following the strike and was one of my favorite episodes of the season. (However this will be bittersweet considering those same writers bitched and moaned for 4 months about wanting 5 more dollars. Whores.
10:08 - We aren't even half way over and I want to kill myself. Congratulations Emmy's, you've done it again. West Wing introduced as another classic TV show and Martin Sheen arrives. I want to murder him for giving birth to Charlie Sheen. (I hate Charlie Sheen.) He tells people to vote. Then introduces the President of the Emmys. He makes me want to turn on Elliot Smith and stab myself in the heart with a spork. If only i could fast forward time....
10:12 - Ah Christina Applegate and Christian Slater introduce made for TV movie. Im not even gonna dignify this with a guess. Recount wins for what its worth. It was directed by the same man who directed Austin Powers, so you know its a cinematic masterpiece.
10:15 - Dragnet. Jeff Probst flubs a line and then introduces Laurence Fishburne looking like a hotel waiter and the guy from CSI. This turns out to be a ceremonial passing of the torch, because apparently the guy from CSI is leaving to work on a film career that's sure to bomb. They present actor in a mini series, again I will not dignify this category but note that 5 actors were nominated from only 2 different movies. Are you positive this category isn't rigged? Do you think they get actors to do these made for TV movies by saying "Hey you are definitely going to get nominated for an Emmy and you have a 1/5 shot of winning. You want an Emmy, right?" And actors do. They all want Emmy's.
10:18 - Colbert and John Stewart introduce best directing for a miniseries. Colbert (yes I think we are on a last name basis) brings on prunes and does a nice little bit about them. You know the drill see you in 5 minutes.
10:26 - MASH classic show. Can't disagree I guess. Sandra Oh presents supporting actress in a miniseries. You know what? I'm just fast forwarding through the rest of these. Fun note - she does make a racist joke about her Asian heritage. Her parents wanted her to be doctors. Can you believe that?!?!?! Hardy har har.
10:27 - Don Rickles and a disheveled, whore like Kathy Griffin come out and she makes everyone stand to cheer the bald, fat washed up comedian. Rickles makes a bunch of terrible jokes but everyone is forced to laugh at gunpoint. Nominees for reality program - Amazing Race, American Idol, Project Runway, Dancing with Stars, Top Chef. I vote Top Chef, but the amazing Race always wins. And they do. BACK ON TOP BABY. Amazing Race has won 6 in a row.
I'm about to pass out, so I'm just gonna take a short break until tomorrow.
8:46 (Apparently there is some sort of hold up) Oprah kicks off the evening and luckily this is not the fat Oprah, it's the mildly chunky Oprah. I don't think she is hosting because the ads I've seen have about 10 different hosts fake brawling with each other. High entertainment.
8:47 Oprah makes a joke at her own expense, but secretly the last laugh is on us. Collectively we gave her 8 Billion dollars last year. No joke. She is generous though - $4 billion went to charity and the other half went to Double Stuffs and dildos.
8:49 - Our hosts - Tom Bergeron, Ryan Seacrest, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel and Heidi Klum. I'll bet 100 dollars that a) everyone will talk over each other the entire night and that b) Ryan Seacrest will end up hosting the show on his own by 10:00 PM. As I type this, Heidi Klum has yet to say anything.
8:50 - The Quinhosts wet my appettite by telling me they have NOTHING and that this is not a bit. Way to make me want to watch! Tom Bergeron has also said nothing and now he is staring at the ceiling I guess if there isn't a home video of a child punching a dad in the balls playing behind him, he's got nothing.
8:52 - We've already encountered 8 references to last years awful show (hosted by Seacrest). This can only mean that Seacrest is on the war path and someone will die tonight. They follow up this by ripping clothes off of Heidi Klum. Nothing like kicking off your awards show by showing the first step of a date rape live, on air! (And having half your female audience flashback to the time in college when they had one too many Jaegar Bombs).
8:55 - Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to present outstanding supporting actor in a comedy. Their bit is a little funny and even more racist. Let's see how many negative connotations we can get in tonight ABC. I'll provide a checklist:
Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest
Terrorism
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show
8:59 - John Cryer, Kevin Dillon, NPH (WINNER PLEASE), Jeremy "The Piv" Piven and Rainn Wilson nominated. I think Rainn will win. But NPH deserves it. He's NPH.
9:00 - Nope, it's The Piv. Entourage may suck these days but it's good to know that you can be rewarded for playing your douche bag self. Piven's speech starts with a story about a plane and roofing (this is bordering on terrorism). He wraps it up with a warm thank you, but I know he doesn't mean it.
9:01 - Commercial break, but not before I learn Josh Groban will be performing 30 theme songs tonight. I hope you won't mind if I puncture my ear drums now and just watch with close captions from now on.
9:03 - We are back and Tom Bergeron is sitting in the Seinfeld diner with Seacrest. This is a reflection back upon the golden days of TV (1992) and they play a clip on "The Contest." Did they not learn anything from last years 5 hour epic? CUT IT DOWN.
9:05 Julia Louis Dreyfus looks awesome for 55(ish). Too bad her new show (on CBS!) blows. She presents supporting actress in a comedy series. Nominees - Kristin Chenoweth, Amy Poehler, Jean Smart (she'll be arriving in a coffin), some bitch from two and a helf men, Vanessa Williams. Come on Chenoweth!!!!! Nope, Jean Smart. At least it wasn't supporting Two and A Half men. I have a feeling they will be nominated in every category and I don't understand why people like that show, it's Charlie Sheen and a nerd. Could you get more fucking generic? Oh, yeah and Charlie Sheen fucks a lot of women in the show. He really streches himself for this role.
9:08 - Jean Smart babbles on about nothing and starts to cry. She gets the wrap up music (or so my close caption says. Yes, they DO have closed captioning in the theater. They are pretty high tech.)
9:10 - Awkward kiss between Heidi Klum and Jeff Probst, that was fun, ya know to see Jeff Probst get erect on stage. They introduce Desperate Housewives as part of the "classic show" theme. Yeah.....I think everyone stopped caring about that show after season 1. Oh wait, it's on ABC you say? And these Emmy's are on ABC????? Oh, then yes it is a classic. The wives present best supporitng actor in a drama. Note: Felicity Huffman showed up as her character from Transamerica I think, but at this point I can't tell.
9:13 - Michael Emerson, Russian Guy, Ted Danson, William Shatner (although hes the comic relief) and John Slattery. I want Michael Emerson from Lost to win. Real bad. But Shatner will win. Nope, Russian guy wins. Let down, let's see if he speaks English. Yes, he does, with no accent. Another let down.
9:15 - Ricky Gervais. He's fucking smarmy (he did the original "The Office," you know the one that everyone thinks is funnier because they are snobby. Well, they get the snobbiness from him.) He introduces a bunch of "hilarious" acceptance speeches. I only laugh out loud once, at Brad Garrett no less. Yes, I'm ashamed FOR me.
9:18 - Gervais brings it back in and takes a dig at Steve Carell, invoking a genuinely hilarious stare down. He then proceeds to hop down and tickle him, so that Steve Carell will give him an emmy. He does and we get to nominees for director for variety. Academy Awards, Colbert, Daily Show, and SNL. ...Daily Show I bet. Nope, the guy who directed the Academy Awards. Fun fact, last year's Academy Awards were the lowest rated awards of all time! Yep he deserves it.
9:22 - Another classic show - The Simpsons. Conan O'Brien then appears in the Simpsons living room. ITS MAGIC! I can't make fun of the cone zone, I love him. He is here to present best supporting actress in a drama. He takes a stab at Katherine Heigl and everyone laughs (shes to good for TV, according to herself. Bitch) Nominees are Candice Bergen, Rachel Griffiths, Sandra Oh, Dianne Wiest, Chandra Wilson. I don't watch any of these shows, so I'll say Dianne Wiest. WINNER! That makes me 1/5.
9:25 - Jennifer Love "Big Tits McGee" Hewitt and Hayden "Floppy Boobs, Fat Ass" Paniettiere present outstanding writing on a variety program. One is hotter than the other, I'll let you guess based on my nicknames. (By the way Hayden Panitierre has a really oddly shaped body for a young "vixen". It's like she used to be a fat little kid that could act and her mom was like, LOSE THE WEIGHT, WHALE. And she did except in her ass and hips.) Nominees are: Stephen Colbert, Daily Show, Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, Late Show w/ David Letterman and SNL. I'll vote Colbert. WINNER again! I'm on a roll officially.
9:30 - Jeff Probst and Howie Mandel take the stage as I swallow a thimble full of vomit (I stole that line from the new Chuck Klosterman book. I love him.) They do this terrible bit that mirrors Deal or No Deal. How creative. Eventually they introduce Steve Martin, lets hope its funny Steve Martin and not "sad old I like to write myself into films as the old guy that obsesses over Claire Danes" Steve Martin.
9:32 - Funny Steve Martin wins, but it doesn't last as he continues the clasic TV show bit with "The Smothers Brothers," which went off the air about 30 years before I was born. (Nice work ABC, hit the old demographic and the sad desperate housewive from 3 years ago demographic). Turns out its a lifetime award from Tommy Smothers and it also turns out that I could care less.
9:36 - Tommy Smothers is babbling. The old man obviously thinks he is at a Shriner's meeting in Oshkosh, Wisconsin and starts saying (unintelligibly, of course) that war is bad. That's also pretty close to terrorism on the checklist. Let's check in:
Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest (If only Angelia Jolie did that guest appearance on Law and Order. She would totally be making out with her brother right now)
Terrorism (Half check)
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show
9:40 - Seacrest introduces Groban to sing a medley of 30 songs. If you are unfamiliar with Groban he makes 50 year old women that drive Lexus' swoon. I guess if you had to classify his style it would be "gay" (other artists in this genre include Clay Aiken, Barry Manilow and Tony Bennett (don't worry Tony Bennett will be appearing later on when he wins his 49th consecutive Emmy for best musical special on PBS).
9;43 - Groban proves that he is the biggest star of our era by covering everything from Primus (South Park) to Will Smith (Fresh Prince) and of course the coup d'etat, Two and a Half Men. All while doing a half falsetto, half chewbacca type voice. It's quite the spectacle.
9:45 - Alec Baldwin (I also like him, even though he would probably call me a walrus because I once was in the same city as him). He introduces lead actress in a miniseries (ps the miniseries categories are a sham, how many miniseries do you think were produced this year? 5. How many nominees are there per category. 5. Hmm...interesting. A bunch of old ladies are nominated and Laura Linney wins (by the youngest of the bunch). I wouldn't have guessed her so I'm now 2/7. Laura Linney can never carry a movie though. She's like Renee Zellwegger in 8 years. (Without all the weight fluctuation and dating Jack White, of course).
9:51 - Tom Bergeron introduces Laugh In as a classic show. I'm gonna take a nap. The cast of Laugh In reunites to present outstanding variety series. They do characters they used to do and simultaneously lose 85% of their audience. Nominees - Colbert Report, Daily Show, Letterman, (notice a theme here?) Bill Mahr, and SNL. 4 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Daily show wins (I would voted Colbert - as I'm a staunch fake republican as well). 2/8. Are you playing along at home? Probably not, you are probably asleep. (I don't understand how Colbert wins for best writing and Daily Show wins best show. If you have the best writing don't you have the best show?)
9:58 - Best guest actor in a comedy series - brought to you by Lauren Conrad (this is worse than it seems, she has now been dignified in real life Hollywood, not just MTV Hollywood. ABC will regret this.) Nominees - Will Arnett (my pick), the dad from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Steve Buscemi, Tim Conway and Rip Torn. Guest Actress - Edie Falco, Carrie Fisher, Kathryn Joosten, Sarah Silverman, Elaine Stritch. Winners? Tim Conway and Kathryn Joosten. Interesting to note that 7 out of the 10 nominees were on 30 Rock (the best comedy on TV.) Neither of these people get an acceptance speech. (I think ABC just edited out 5 minutes of cheering.)
10:02 - Director in a comedy series (The Office twice, Pushing Daises, 30 Rock and something else). Pushing Daisies wins and I'm 3/11. Pushing Daises is one awesome f'in show (We're You Aware of It?). Barry Sonnenfeld gives a shaky acceptance speech and he just might cry.
10:03 Lauren Conrad is still on stage. Best writing in a comedy series (The Office, Flight of the Concords, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock twice.) I vote for the Office considering the nominated episode was written immediately following the strike and was one of my favorite episodes of the season. (However this will be bittersweet considering those same writers bitched and moaned for 4 months about wanting 5 more dollars. Whores.
10:08 - We aren't even half way over and I want to kill myself. Congratulations Emmy's, you've done it again. West Wing introduced as another classic TV show and Martin Sheen arrives. I want to murder him for giving birth to Charlie Sheen. (I hate Charlie Sheen.) He tells people to vote. Then introduces the President of the Emmys. He makes me want to turn on Elliot Smith and stab myself in the heart with a spork. If only i could fast forward time....
10:12 - Ah Christina Applegate and Christian Slater introduce made for TV movie. Im not even gonna dignify this with a guess. Recount wins for what its worth. It was directed by the same man who directed Austin Powers, so you know its a cinematic masterpiece.
10:15 - Dragnet. Jeff Probst flubs a line and then introduces Laurence Fishburne looking like a hotel waiter and the guy from CSI. This turns out to be a ceremonial passing of the torch, because apparently the guy from CSI is leaving to work on a film career that's sure to bomb. They present actor in a mini series, again I will not dignify this category but note that 5 actors were nominated from only 2 different movies. Are you positive this category isn't rigged? Do you think they get actors to do these made for TV movies by saying "Hey you are definitely going to get nominated for an Emmy and you have a 1/5 shot of winning. You want an Emmy, right?" And actors do. They all want Emmy's.
10:18 - Colbert and John Stewart introduce best directing for a miniseries. Colbert (yes I think we are on a last name basis) brings on prunes and does a nice little bit about them. You know the drill see you in 5 minutes.
10:26 - MASH classic show. Can't disagree I guess. Sandra Oh presents supporting actress in a miniseries. You know what? I'm just fast forwarding through the rest of these. Fun note - she does make a racist joke about her Asian heritage. Her parents wanted her to be doctors. Can you believe that?!?!?! Hardy har har.
10:27 - Don Rickles and a disheveled, whore like Kathy Griffin come out and she makes everyone stand to cheer the bald, fat washed up comedian. Rickles makes a bunch of terrible jokes but everyone is forced to laugh at gunpoint. Nominees for reality program - Amazing Race, American Idol, Project Runway, Dancing with Stars, Top Chef. I vote Top Chef, but the amazing Race always wins. And they do. BACK ON TOP BABY. Amazing Race has won 6 in a row.
I'm about to pass out, so I'm just gonna take a short break until tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
We're You Aware of It?
On a recent pizza delivery I was rewarded with the ultimate prize for us lowly pizza boys, the double digit tip. The double digit tip in door-to-door orders is a rare (rare) phenomenon. People have wised up and no longer seem to tip percentage, so even if I was to deliver 300 pizzas barefoot as Egyptians kings whipped me into building a pyramid(the cost for this would be somewhere between $3000 and $3 Billion), the tip will still only be about $2.
So it was on a day about 2 weeks ago where I witnessed my first and (lets be real) last double digit tip of my life time (unless I fulfill my marvelous dream of becoming a waiter to the stars at NoBu and explaining that our Tuna is so expensive because it's on the endangered species list! Oh Bobby D, you slay me). I got the call to the neighborhood (which is really more of a farm/trailer parkway, rather than a traditional neighborhood). I had a hard time finding the place and as it turns out, the house wasn't even visible from the Trailer Trash Heaven Parkway. It turns out the driveway is about 1/2 mile long and winds through a forest and then out of nowhere, opens up into a circular driveway with a big landscaped bush in the middle of it. On the sides of the mansion were some horses and barns and what can only be described as red bamboo (made with real Chinese Blood!).
As I approached the door I thought I heard Mr. Ed talking to me and everything made sense (royalties), and then I knocked on the door. A man answered in Snakeskin boots and a cowboy hat and told me to come in (normally not a good idea, but hey, he was rich and there's a .01% chance that he ends up like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, I'm willing to take that risk to appease the rich folk who might present me with a ten spot. And yes, I only like to appease the rich when it will directly result with cash in my hand within 30 seconds of that appeasement. So no republican jokes please). So I entered the house and he calls for his wife and she brings over the cash. The total was 15 and he gave me $25. I asked if he needed change and he said no and then winked. I buckled like Janene Garafelo at a Nirvana Tribute Band concert (that happens to be all female and call themselves In Uterus) and gleefully walked out the door.
What makes it better is that this wasn't a "keep the change" tip, he purposefully gave me that extra $5 (a little arrogant, but I'll let it slide). The $10 tip might be the highlight of my young life and will make any delivery driver instantly treat you like the royalty you are trying to hard to be by throwing all your money around like Preston in "Blank Check."
WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?
So it was on a day about 2 weeks ago where I witnessed my first and (lets be real) last double digit tip of my life time (unless I fulfill my marvelous dream of becoming a waiter to the stars at NoBu and explaining that our Tuna is so expensive because it's on the endangered species list! Oh Bobby D, you slay me). I got the call to the neighborhood (which is really more of a farm/trailer parkway, rather than a traditional neighborhood). I had a hard time finding the place and as it turns out, the house wasn't even visible from the Trailer Trash Heaven Parkway. It turns out the driveway is about 1/2 mile long and winds through a forest and then out of nowhere, opens up into a circular driveway with a big landscaped bush in the middle of it. On the sides of the mansion were some horses and barns and what can only be described as red bamboo (made with real Chinese Blood!).
As I approached the door I thought I heard Mr. Ed talking to me and everything made sense (royalties), and then I knocked on the door. A man answered in Snakeskin boots and a cowboy hat and told me to come in (normally not a good idea, but hey, he was rich and there's a .01% chance that he ends up like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, I'm willing to take that risk to appease the rich folk who might present me with a ten spot. And yes, I only like to appease the rich when it will directly result with cash in my hand within 30 seconds of that appeasement. So no republican jokes please). So I entered the house and he calls for his wife and she brings over the cash. The total was 15 and he gave me $25. I asked if he needed change and he said no and then winked. I buckled like Janene Garafelo at a Nirvana Tribute Band concert (that happens to be all female and call themselves In Uterus) and gleefully walked out the door.
What makes it better is that this wasn't a "keep the change" tip, he purposefully gave me that extra $5 (a little arrogant, but I'll let it slide). The $10 tip might be the highlight of my young life and will make any delivery driver instantly treat you like the royalty you are trying to hard to be by throwing all your money around like Preston in "Blank Check."
WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Short Stories With Tragic Endings #6
On the way back home from the beach a few weekends back I decided to stop at a Hess station because it also doubles as a truck stop and whenever there is an opportunity for big rig interaction, you can count me in. This truck stop (with full service showers, sidebar - I once paid to take a shower at a truck stop. Gotta say, the fear that I was going to be raped at any second by a trucker hungry for some some A-Cups, no matter how hairy they were (and with a broken lock on the stall) far outweighed the $7 I had to pay to use 4 minutes of semi hot water. Good times), is less than 10 minutes from my house so I feel pretty comfortable with it. Not so this time.
I had already been driving for almost 4 hours and so I fill up the tank and skip my routine of wasting time by buying a code red and a Fast Break (Reeses in stick form, I can't get much lazier) and I just lean with my back to my car (pre dented of course). From behind the pump, a man accosts me by saying "Hey buddy." (First reaction when approached at a gas stop is a) fear (see above) followed by the thought that maybe they need directions). So this guy starts with "I was stuck in Chapel Hill..." "ahhh directions," I thought. He continues "and I just got out of the hospital because I was hit and left for dead by a truck. I'm just trying to get home to my family in Kentucky and now I have seizures (he holds up a large - like 150 pill - prescription bottle, the kind trophy wives casually use to help them sleep easier), can you buy me a tank of gas?" I said "no, I'm broke." He responds "Come on man you can use your card to fill up my tank." I said no again and he said thanks and then got in a car with 2 other guys and drove away.
A strange occurrence to say the least. Not because he asked for money but because of the following reasons:
A) His family essentially said "you know what? We don't need to go see pops, I'm sure he's fine down in an NC hospital, he'll hike it home eventually."
B) When I said no the first time, he was savvy/annoying enough to explain to me that I could use my credit card, like it's not real money or something. If someone asked you for money and you say no and they say "what about your card", do they really expect you to say, "oh, you're right, I forgot about that. Sure!"
C) He got in his car and drove away with 2 other dudes....I'm no math major but I'm guessing it's like ...400 miles to Kentucky from Greensboro, NC. Which is just a little over a tank of guess, so maybe it would cost like $65 total to get there. So this guys is telling me that he and 2 other guys can't scrounge up $22 each to get to Kentucky. On second thought, maybe he was referring to Kentucky, Russia (which would be totally different and would cost at least $1,000).
D) He immediately drove away, meaning he already had gas. Unless he was gonna steal my card when I took it out, I would have been of little help to him.
All in all, just a poor begging performance (but maybe I can chalk that up to the epilepsy). Short Story, Tragic Ending.
I had already been driving for almost 4 hours and so I fill up the tank and skip my routine of wasting time by buying a code red and a Fast Break (Reeses in stick form, I can't get much lazier) and I just lean with my back to my car (pre dented of course). From behind the pump, a man accosts me by saying "Hey buddy." (First reaction when approached at a gas stop is a) fear (see above) followed by the thought that maybe they need directions). So this guy starts with "I was stuck in Chapel Hill..." "ahhh directions," I thought. He continues "and I just got out of the hospital because I was hit and left for dead by a truck. I'm just trying to get home to my family in Kentucky and now I have seizures (he holds up a large - like 150 pill - prescription bottle, the kind trophy wives casually use to help them sleep easier), can you buy me a tank of gas?" I said "no, I'm broke." He responds "Come on man you can use your card to fill up my tank." I said no again and he said thanks and then got in a car with 2 other guys and drove away.
A strange occurrence to say the least. Not because he asked for money but because of the following reasons:
A) His family essentially said "you know what? We don't need to go see pops, I'm sure he's fine down in an NC hospital, he'll hike it home eventually."
B) When I said no the first time, he was savvy/annoying enough to explain to me that I could use my credit card, like it's not real money or something. If someone asked you for money and you say no and they say "what about your card", do they really expect you to say, "oh, you're right, I forgot about that. Sure!"
C) He got in his car and drove away with 2 other dudes....I'm no math major but I'm guessing it's like ...400 miles to Kentucky from Greensboro, NC. Which is just a little over a tank of guess, so maybe it would cost like $65 total to get there. So this guys is telling me that he and 2 other guys can't scrounge up $22 each to get to Kentucky. On second thought, maybe he was referring to Kentucky, Russia (which would be totally different and would cost at least $1,000).
D) He immediately drove away, meaning he already had gas. Unless he was gonna steal my card when I took it out, I would have been of little help to him.
All in all, just a poor begging performance (but maybe I can chalk that up to the epilepsy). Short Story, Tragic Ending.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Short Stories With Tragic Endings #5
As you all know I deliver pizzas. I remember 4 years ago when my mother didn't want me to deliver Indian food because it was one of the most dangerous jobs in the country (right behind Ice Road Truckers and Rodeo Clown). Being the brash child I wished I was I disregarded her opinion and laughed all the way to the biznank to the tune of $50 a night. Flash forward 4 years and my mother was right.
My mother was referring to being robbed/murdered (which im not too afraid of, although one co-worker did tell me how his friend was shot in the head 18 years ago while delivering a pizza. This was my first day), however in backwoods North Carolina it is the dark you have to be afraid of. More specifically the dark causes you to not see things like gigantic trees that you may or may not have backed into on a delivery. Intrigued?
I was in the middle of 4 deliveries (a quad, as we call it in the biz) and so I was rushing. I delivered the second pizza and I was backing up his driveway (I use this term loosely as it was more of a run on ditch that started high, dipped in the middle and then went up again towards his home. To make driving even more fun he decided to live in the middle of a forest.) but it was pitch black (as all parts of rural NC are). How are you supposed to navigate your way through a wooded ditch forest in the pitch black of night you ask? Well I decided to try my back up camera, didn't work. As I neared the lowest part of the ditch my tires ran through a pool of standing water/mud and while trying to look at the screen in front of me and look behind me to see what was really there, I spun out and hit a tree.
The damage wasn't severe (although I'm sure the body repair bill will cost close to what JIVE records shelled out to MTV to let her win awards a.k.a. $874, and YES, I'm still livid about that), but it's an eyesore. The plastic covering the tail light cracked just a tad and there is a dent on the very end of the right passenger side near the tail light (which I will attempt to fix myself using Pops-A-Dent - the product sold by the guy who yells that OXY CLEAN WILL CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CARPETS. NOW!). To make matters worse I just got my oil changed and my car was getting 48 MPG beforehand, after the oil change a paultry 35 (this may or not be because I accused my Toyota dealership of fucking up my car and charging me for things that didn't need to be charged. Come on, admit you can see some schmuck Auto mechanic tighten the gas valve or whatever (do cars have these things? I'm not man enough to know) and then when I take it back say "hey we told you to get _____ fixed.") So now I'm starting a smear campaign against Rice Toyota.
Dear Rice Toyota -
You did not treat me right (as your commercials claim) and I do not enjoy spending 1 hour and 15 minutes watching Judge Alex waiting to get my oil changed (a 15 minute process). I recently heard that you use the bones of children as your tools (that's right IVORY wrenches, at least that's my best guess at what they buy with all the money they bleed out of me). So good people of America do not support Rice Toyota and their "Support Children's Bones Foundation".
Go Fuck Yourself
-Kelson
Short (ish) story, Tragic Ending.
My mother was referring to being robbed/murdered (which im not too afraid of, although one co-worker did tell me how his friend was shot in the head 18 years ago while delivering a pizza. This was my first day), however in backwoods North Carolina it is the dark you have to be afraid of. More specifically the dark causes you to not see things like gigantic trees that you may or may not have backed into on a delivery. Intrigued?
I was in the middle of 4 deliveries (a quad, as we call it in the biz) and so I was rushing. I delivered the second pizza and I was backing up his driveway (I use this term loosely as it was more of a run on ditch that started high, dipped in the middle and then went up again towards his home. To make driving even more fun he decided to live in the middle of a forest.) but it was pitch black (as all parts of rural NC are). How are you supposed to navigate your way through a wooded ditch forest in the pitch black of night you ask? Well I decided to try my back up camera, didn't work. As I neared the lowest part of the ditch my tires ran through a pool of standing water/mud and while trying to look at the screen in front of me and look behind me to see what was really there, I spun out and hit a tree.
The damage wasn't severe (although I'm sure the body repair bill will cost close to what JIVE records shelled out to MTV to let her win awards a.k.a. $874, and YES, I'm still livid about that), but it's an eyesore. The plastic covering the tail light cracked just a tad and there is a dent on the very end of the right passenger side near the tail light (which I will attempt to fix myself using Pops-A-Dent - the product sold by the guy who yells that OXY CLEAN WILL CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CARPETS. NOW!). To make matters worse I just got my oil changed and my car was getting 48 MPG beforehand, after the oil change a paultry 35 (this may or not be because I accused my Toyota dealership of fucking up my car and charging me for things that didn't need to be charged. Come on, admit you can see some schmuck Auto mechanic tighten the gas valve or whatever (do cars have these things? I'm not man enough to know) and then when I take it back say "hey we told you to get _____ fixed.") So now I'm starting a smear campaign against Rice Toyota.
Dear Rice Toyota -
You did not treat me right (as your commercials claim) and I do not enjoy spending 1 hour and 15 minutes watching Judge Alex waiting to get my oil changed (a 15 minute process). I recently heard that you use the bones of children as your tools (that's right IVORY wrenches, at least that's my best guess at what they buy with all the money they bleed out of me). So good people of America do not support Rice Toyota and their "Support Children's Bones Foundation".
Go Fuck Yourself
-Kelson
Short (ish) story, Tragic Ending.
Monday, September 08, 2008
We're You Aware of It?
You have all come to my blog out of a) pure boredom b) sheer lust or c) because I may or may not entertain you to death. Did you know that you could share one of these emotions with your friends? It's true! Due to the popularity of my VMA blog (44 page views in one day cant be wrong!) I think you need to share this information with your friends
Send this link to just one friend! "Hey check out my whore friend's blog. He's pretty conceited and desperate for attention but that sure does make for a good chortle here and there!"
Or this one: "Remember that time MTV went down on Britney Spears on national television?"
Or for those who are fans of Puff Daddy " Click or Die."
And for those of you who read this blog only out of spite "Check out this fag bear that types shit on the internet. Isn't he such a gay?"
WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?
Send this link to just one friend! "Hey check out my whore friend's blog. He's pretty conceited and desperate for attention but that sure does make for a good chortle here and there!"
Or this one: "Remember that time MTV went down on Britney Spears on national television?"
Or for those who are fans of Puff Daddy " Click or Die."
And for those of you who read this blog only out of spite "Check out this fag bear that types shit on the internet. Isn't he such a gay?"
WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?
Sunday, September 07, 2008
The Time I Went to the VMA's (With My Girlfriend)
Here we are (Amelia and I that is) at the VMA's (I spent the last 15 minutes fake tanning her so that she could outweigh the paleness of Haley from Paramore). The show is about to start and I gotta admit Russell Brand is pretty funny in those commercials.
9:00 PM - Dressing room of Britney Spears with Jonah Hill. So many possibilities. ...So many failures. I expect more from Jonah Hill but apparently he's only funny when he's saying how fat he is. '
9:02 - Britney walking from her dressing room, backstage (with a bad weave says Amelia). The VMA's are in LA this year and apparently the auditorium is the size of a high school theatre. This better wrap up in 2 hours because Fiddler on the Roof is coming in right afterward.
9:04 - Rihanna premieres a new song which is just left of awful. (I just now realize that this song is not new and is named after one of Shia LaBeouf's worst movies (Disturbia)). Also she seems to look more androngynous with every public appearance, including a rat tail that seemed to have been pinned on her in a cruel game of "Pin the Tail on the Nasally Jamaican singer."
Side note - The audience is about a 1/10th of the size it normally is. It's kind of depressing as there is no place to do any theatrics. I expect more MTV, maybe a drunken outburst from SlipKnot. Is that too much to ask? Amelia and I can't get over this.
9:09 - Russell Brand (apparently playing himself in Forgetting Sarah Marshall). He announces that CanYeah West will perform and proceeds to call George Bush a "retard cowboy fellow." I told you he would be funny.
Side note: They showed the audience again and it looked like the studio where they filmed Double Dare. This makes it seem like a comedy special gone horribly wrong.
9:13 - No one in this audience is responding to his British humor, that could be because they only crammed in about 4 real fans in the back, next to superstars like Jamie Foxx.
9:15 - Speak of the devil. Jamie Foxx is pushing 50 and he is still keeping it real spewing ebonics like he's still in the ghetto. Oh, a Busta Rhymes imitation, only 10 years too late. He's announcing Best Female Pop something or other. Once again the audience is silent, so let's just pretend that this is all filmed in front of a screen.
9:18 - I predict Katy Perry. Jamie Foxx decides that Britney Spears is the winner. I say this because there is no way that card said Britney Spears won. (Although on second thought MTV might've just said "Fuck it. We really need Britney Spears back on MTV." This would account for the massive "DONT MISS BRITNEY SPEARS at 9. SHARP" Ad campaign they did this last week in addition to her fucking up her speech and holding the mic in front of her mouth like she's about to a) rap battle (Amelia's thought) or b) suck a dick (my thought). I'm gonna guess shes more comfortable with B.
9:20 - Pete Wentz interviews Heidi and Spencer from the Hills. The rest of America plays the "Can you spot the biggest douchebag game?" Surprisingly Spencer takes the win. Mostly for his creepy blond beard and his referencing "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift."
9:26 - Back from commercial. Apparently Britney Spears has never won a VMA before....This doesn't help MTV's "we rigged this, we really want Britney back" cause. And I seem to be using a lot of "quotes" tonight. I'm sorry. I guess I'm in a "naming dumb shit" mood. Let's continue.
9:27 - Demi Moore to present....missed it. The important thing is that she doesn't look like a corpse. However, she forgot a microphone and you can see her teleprompter scrolling behind her. Again, this is rivaling my high school's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in terms of professionalism. Best male video goes to Chris Brown. That sounds right, he's so hot right now.
9:30 - Taylor Swift to announce the Jonas Brothers she has decided to look like a Whore tonight bye using close to 4 LBS of eyeshadow. Apparently alot of TV shows were shot in the studio where the awards are being held and so the Jonas brothers are on a stoop. Personally, I wouldn't cry if they were victims of a drive by shooting. Let's make this as realistic as possible. They go from stoop to full blown "rock" concert and the tweens rush the stage. I'll estimate the body count at about 14 trampled (the only advantage to being a pudgy tween is that you can force your way to the front of a Jonas brothers stage).
9:36 - Amelia has departed she probably vomitted when she heard Travis Barker and DJ AM covering Oasis.
9:40 - The show returns and I can see production staff behind Russell Brand as he talks. Really MTV? You couldn't find a better building, it's Los Angeles not Topeka.
9:41 - Michael Phelps introduces Leona Lewis and T-Pain and Lil Wayne. This should be interesting considering that it will be hard to replicate his voice box live. Important to note that Lil Wayne seems to be sporting a red bandana in support of the bloods and that his dreadlocks may be a Milli Vanilli replica.
9:45 - On the T-Pain situation - it turns out they did a mixture of him singing terribly live and doing his voice box track behind him. Everybody wins! (PS - T-Pain seems to be the new Lil Jon. Is is the same person? Have you ever seen them at the same time.)
9:46 - Lindsay Lohan appears to introduce best dance video and she's dressed like a 45 year old cocktail waitress in Vegas. No joke is needed here. Pussycat Dolls win best dance video. That seems about right, since their whole shtick is being burlesque whor....dancers.
9:57 - Finally back from commerical and Russell announces the cast of Twilight. Which is a vampire movie that comes out in 4 months and which they've been promoting like a bat out of hell. Can you smell a bomb?
9:59 - Paramore performs across town in a barn or something. What's with the emo girls that decide to dress as poorly as possibly. Dear Haley, your red/purple/blond hair does not go with your tight yellow jeans. Also, Amelia thinks your arms are fat. She's a little right. She's also half talking her way through the song. Overall, just a poor poor performance. (This from a boy who pretended to have a thing with her on Warped Tour just 4 years ago. I officially got over her when she started strutting like a peacock on stage.)
10:01 - So apparently they are not at the Whiskey a Go Go across town as previously stated by the cast of Twilight. They were in the theatre all along!!!! However, no one saw this coming as they did NOT foreshadow it by saying "Nothing is as it seems." Right before hand.
10:02 - Another commercial break so I'll continue on with the downfall of the 18 year old Hayley Williams. According to Amelia she looks like a crazed 8/38 year old. Her red carpet outfit was straight from Cyndi Lauper in the 80's (Ponytail to the side, OMG? I'm so young I can barely dress myself right) and her concert performance was Cyndi Lauper now (a little big in the hips a little haggred in the face and throat). Miley Cyrus welcome to your future.
10:08 - Slash and Shia LaBeouf to present Rock video. You can just see Slash back stage saying (cigarette in mouth) "Hey man, who the fuck are you?" And Shia fighting back the tears with a handle of Whiskey and a hip vintage t-shirt as a rag. LInking Park wins best rock video for their power ballad. Welcome back to 2003 America.
10:12 - Miley Cyrus introduces Pink however she might have been going down on 3 of the guys from Tokio Hotel beforehand. Is that a lie? Would you be surprised? I don't think so.
10:14 - Does anyone remember when Pink's hair was actually Pink? Even more, does anyone remember when Pink thought she was black. No? Well neither does Pink. Her new song has a chorus of "So What, I'm still a rockstar." Let's just say she's a long way from her R&B tinged days of "There you Go" and "You Make Me Sick." She is quickly followed by another commercial break. Fannnnnntastic.
10:24 - Pete Wentz is back to awkwardly talk to his wife about voting for best new artist. Ah, the emo in him still shines like his tears glistening in the moonlight.
10:25 - Slipknot to introduce best hip hop video. Oh MTV you are so ironic. The nerd from Superbad comes out with a mask on and they threaten to beat him down. Sounds like a good time for the family. Flo Rida better win this award, cause lets be honest thats the catchiest song of the year. Nope, Lil Wayne. He has a short acceptance speech (god, family, fans). I thank him as this show is starting to drag like the corpse of Jessica Simpson's career.
10:31 - TI performs some shitty new song followed by a rendition of the Numa Numa song (youtube video where the fat kid sings techno to his computer) with Rihanna. Good news, she looks even more like a 16 year old boy greaser from the 50s. Even better news: the song is even worse when sung in a nasally tone and rapped by a man who just spent 6 months in prison.
10:38 - Man there is nothing like 7 minute commercial breaks to lull you to sleep. Don't worry folks only 30 minutes more (the tv guide says this will go until 11:13, I bet MTV is so clever that something magical will happen at like 11:11. Bristol Palin having an abortion on stage? One can hope. Look at me being political. I like Sarah Palin, for the same reasons that people say she would be a good VP, because she makes me feel like, I a simple delivery boy, could cause a major political scandal. Just what we want in office, someone that the people can relate to in the most scandalous way possible. Yes, we are still on commercial.)
10:42 - High School Musical cast comes on to introduce Xtina Aguilera and the black one with the curly afro has not aged well. Let's just say when HSM 3 comes out this fall, he'll be the token 20 something that looks like he doesn't belong in high school.
10:43 - Christina Aguilera performs a techno/Eurythmics influences version of Genie in a Bottle in a catwoman suit. I'm pretty sure they promoted this as her new single. Lazy much, Xtina?
10:44 - She is definitely not singing as she pulls the mic from her mouth and the volume of her voice remains the same. She's been lipsynching professionally for years now, has she not learned this trick. Apparently she has a new single that they tack on to Genie in A Bottle (ReMX). With a chorus like "I'm a superbitch" you can't go wrong. Also, I can tell she's had a child recently. Can you say muffin tops for hips?
10:48 - LC from the Hills and Chace from Gossip Girl present Best New Artist amid a sea of silence. Tokio Hotel wins, but I called that (Amelia can back that up) because they have a whole country (Germany) voting for them. I think they are popular because each member of the band represents a certain genre - One guy is hip hop with dreads, one guys is like ...emo ish with crazy hair and make up and he may be a girl, one is a skater and one is a metal guy. Awesome.
10:57 - LL Cool J shamelessly promotes his new album (like on the Teen Choice Awards), I couldn't see that coming. Paris Hilton is out to introduce best pop video and she hasnt changed outfits yet tonight (Amelia is shocked) and frankly so are my eyeballs (she is wearing way too much purple.) Britney Spears is nominated for best pop video, if she wins, MTV has officially rigged it.
10:58 - Britney wins. Apparently the VMA's have become a self esteem building step in the intervention process for Britney (step 6 - Everyone Loves You and MTV will show you that you ARE special). I wish I could call MTV sellouts, but we all know that happened when they started airing Real World/Road Rules battles 14 hours/day.
11:06 - And we are back! Drake (gay) and Josh (fat) come out to introduce to Kid Rock. Josh is sporting John Travolta's outfit from Saturday Night Fever along with his trash stash he looks like he might be trying too hard to prove he is 21. Kid Rock introduces his song by saying it's real and then rips into his new single which recalls the same exact riff of Sweet Home Alabama (he even says so in the chorus). I really wish Kid Rock died along with the rest of rap rock. He is not a real musician, nor do I think he has grown musically since his "Bawitdaba" days. Going from shitty rap to stealing 70's riffs is not an improvement. Also look at him, I seriously think I might have just gotten the clap. Uncool, kid. Uncool. Lil Wayne comes out to rap and I could care less. MTV you are trying too hard to recreate Run DMC/Aerosmith.
11:12 - Another commercial break of course. They promoted Video of the Year in 5 minutes and Kayne West in 8. I don't know if I can make it. The cat is asleep (yes I brought the cat to the awards) and Amelia is taking her contacts out (she'd rather not see the horror of Britney winning video of the year. She may not be nominated but that doesn't mean she wont win.
11:15 - Kanye West is performing...apparently I missed video of the year (wikipedia says it's Britney). Of course Kanye has to be a showboat and he performs a new song with an African beat and a weird echo-y vocal to a crowd of white girls. I'm sure he'll be crying afterwards that MTV doesn't care about black people.
11:18 - We head home for the evening and Amelia utters that the fake tan wasn't worth it. I agree. 3 awards for the whore who didn't put out an album this year and MTV has re-enforced themselves as the place to be if you want to be pop cultural irrelevant.
Closing remarks from Amelia :
Am I thinking of another award show where there are a ton of celebrities and then a large crowd with wristbands in the audience? Or is this another one, where a washed up Britney, who has never won a VMA, wins 3 with ONE terrible single?
Somewhere Eminem and his 100 Slim Shady's are rolling in their fat bloated graves.
9:00 PM - Dressing room of Britney Spears with Jonah Hill. So many possibilities. ...So many failures. I expect more from Jonah Hill but apparently he's only funny when he's saying how fat he is. '
9:02 - Britney walking from her dressing room, backstage (with a bad weave says Amelia). The VMA's are in LA this year and apparently the auditorium is the size of a high school theatre. This better wrap up in 2 hours because Fiddler on the Roof is coming in right afterward.
9:04 - Rihanna premieres a new song which is just left of awful. (I just now realize that this song is not new and is named after one of Shia LaBeouf's worst movies (Disturbia)). Also she seems to look more androngynous with every public appearance, including a rat tail that seemed to have been pinned on her in a cruel game of "Pin the Tail on the Nasally Jamaican singer."
Side note - The audience is about a 1/10th of the size it normally is. It's kind of depressing as there is no place to do any theatrics. I expect more MTV, maybe a drunken outburst from SlipKnot. Is that too much to ask? Amelia and I can't get over this.
9:09 - Russell Brand (apparently playing himself in Forgetting Sarah Marshall). He announces that CanYeah West will perform and proceeds to call George Bush a "retard cowboy fellow." I told you he would be funny.
Side note: They showed the audience again and it looked like the studio where they filmed Double Dare. This makes it seem like a comedy special gone horribly wrong.
9:13 - No one in this audience is responding to his British humor, that could be because they only crammed in about 4 real fans in the back, next to superstars like Jamie Foxx.
9:15 - Speak of the devil. Jamie Foxx is pushing 50 and he is still keeping it real spewing ebonics like he's still in the ghetto. Oh, a Busta Rhymes imitation, only 10 years too late. He's announcing Best Female Pop something or other. Once again the audience is silent, so let's just pretend that this is all filmed in front of a screen.
9:18 - I predict Katy Perry. Jamie Foxx decides that Britney Spears is the winner. I say this because there is no way that card said Britney Spears won. (Although on second thought MTV might've just said "Fuck it. We really need Britney Spears back on MTV." This would account for the massive "DONT MISS BRITNEY SPEARS at 9. SHARP" Ad campaign they did this last week in addition to her fucking up her speech and holding the mic in front of her mouth like she's about to a) rap battle (Amelia's thought) or b) suck a dick (my thought). I'm gonna guess shes more comfortable with B.
9:20 - Pete Wentz interviews Heidi and Spencer from the Hills. The rest of America plays the "Can you spot the biggest douchebag game?" Surprisingly Spencer takes the win. Mostly for his creepy blond beard and his referencing "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift."
9:26 - Back from commercial. Apparently Britney Spears has never won a VMA before....This doesn't help MTV's "we rigged this, we really want Britney back" cause. And I seem to be using a lot of "quotes" tonight. I'm sorry. I guess I'm in a "naming dumb shit" mood. Let's continue.
9:27 - Demi Moore to present....missed it. The important thing is that she doesn't look like a corpse. However, she forgot a microphone and you can see her teleprompter scrolling behind her. Again, this is rivaling my high school's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in terms of professionalism. Best male video goes to Chris Brown. That sounds right, he's so hot right now.
9:30 - Taylor Swift to announce the Jonas Brothers she has decided to look like a Whore tonight bye using close to 4 LBS of eyeshadow. Apparently alot of TV shows were shot in the studio where the awards are being held and so the Jonas brothers are on a stoop. Personally, I wouldn't cry if they were victims of a drive by shooting. Let's make this as realistic as possible. They go from stoop to full blown "rock" concert and the tweens rush the stage. I'll estimate the body count at about 14 trampled (the only advantage to being a pudgy tween is that you can force your way to the front of a Jonas brothers stage).
9:36 - Amelia has departed she probably vomitted when she heard Travis Barker and DJ AM covering Oasis.
9:40 - The show returns and I can see production staff behind Russell Brand as he talks. Really MTV? You couldn't find a better building, it's Los Angeles not Topeka.
9:41 - Michael Phelps introduces Leona Lewis and T-Pain and Lil Wayne. This should be interesting considering that it will be hard to replicate his voice box live. Important to note that Lil Wayne seems to be sporting a red bandana in support of the bloods and that his dreadlocks may be a Milli Vanilli replica.
9:45 - On the T-Pain situation - it turns out they did a mixture of him singing terribly live and doing his voice box track behind him. Everybody wins! (PS - T-Pain seems to be the new Lil Jon. Is is the same person? Have you ever seen them at the same time.)
9:46 - Lindsay Lohan appears to introduce best dance video and she's dressed like a 45 year old cocktail waitress in Vegas. No joke is needed here. Pussycat Dolls win best dance video. That seems about right, since their whole shtick is being burlesque whor....dancers.
9:57 - Finally back from commerical and Russell announces the cast of Twilight. Which is a vampire movie that comes out in 4 months and which they've been promoting like a bat out of hell. Can you smell a bomb?
9:59 - Paramore performs across town in a barn or something. What's with the emo girls that decide to dress as poorly as possibly. Dear Haley, your red/purple/blond hair does not go with your tight yellow jeans. Also, Amelia thinks your arms are fat. She's a little right. She's also half talking her way through the song. Overall, just a poor poor performance. (This from a boy who pretended to have a thing with her on Warped Tour just 4 years ago. I officially got over her when she started strutting like a peacock on stage.)
10:01 - So apparently they are not at the Whiskey a Go Go across town as previously stated by the cast of Twilight. They were in the theatre all along!!!! However, no one saw this coming as they did NOT foreshadow it by saying "Nothing is as it seems." Right before hand.
10:02 - Another commercial break so I'll continue on with the downfall of the 18 year old Hayley Williams. According to Amelia she looks like a crazed 8/38 year old. Her red carpet outfit was straight from Cyndi Lauper in the 80's (Ponytail to the side, OMG? I'm so young I can barely dress myself right) and her concert performance was Cyndi Lauper now (a little big in the hips a little haggred in the face and throat). Miley Cyrus welcome to your future.
10:08 - Slash and Shia LaBeouf to present Rock video. You can just see Slash back stage saying (cigarette in mouth) "Hey man, who the fuck are you?" And Shia fighting back the tears with a handle of Whiskey and a hip vintage t-shirt as a rag. LInking Park wins best rock video for their power ballad. Welcome back to 2003 America.
10:12 - Miley Cyrus introduces Pink however she might have been going down on 3 of the guys from Tokio Hotel beforehand. Is that a lie? Would you be surprised? I don't think so.
10:14 - Does anyone remember when Pink's hair was actually Pink? Even more, does anyone remember when Pink thought she was black. No? Well neither does Pink. Her new song has a chorus of "So What, I'm still a rockstar." Let's just say she's a long way from her R&B tinged days of "There you Go" and "You Make Me Sick." She is quickly followed by another commercial break. Fannnnnntastic.
10:24 - Pete Wentz is back to awkwardly talk to his wife about voting for best new artist. Ah, the emo in him still shines like his tears glistening in the moonlight.
10:25 - Slipknot to introduce best hip hop video. Oh MTV you are so ironic. The nerd from Superbad comes out with a mask on and they threaten to beat him down. Sounds like a good time for the family. Flo Rida better win this award, cause lets be honest thats the catchiest song of the year. Nope, Lil Wayne. He has a short acceptance speech (god, family, fans). I thank him as this show is starting to drag like the corpse of Jessica Simpson's career.
10:31 - TI performs some shitty new song followed by a rendition of the Numa Numa song (youtube video where the fat kid sings techno to his computer) with Rihanna. Good news, she looks even more like a 16 year old boy greaser from the 50s. Even better news: the song is even worse when sung in a nasally tone and rapped by a man who just spent 6 months in prison.
10:38 - Man there is nothing like 7 minute commercial breaks to lull you to sleep. Don't worry folks only 30 minutes more (the tv guide says this will go until 11:13, I bet MTV is so clever that something magical will happen at like 11:11. Bristol Palin having an abortion on stage? One can hope. Look at me being political. I like Sarah Palin, for the same reasons that people say she would be a good VP, because she makes me feel like, I a simple delivery boy, could cause a major political scandal. Just what we want in office, someone that the people can relate to in the most scandalous way possible. Yes, we are still on commercial.)
10:42 - High School Musical cast comes on to introduce Xtina Aguilera and the black one with the curly afro has not aged well. Let's just say when HSM 3 comes out this fall, he'll be the token 20 something that looks like he doesn't belong in high school.
10:43 - Christina Aguilera performs a techno/Eurythmics influences version of Genie in a Bottle in a catwoman suit. I'm pretty sure they promoted this as her new single. Lazy much, Xtina?
10:44 - She is definitely not singing as she pulls the mic from her mouth and the volume of her voice remains the same. She's been lipsynching professionally for years now, has she not learned this trick. Apparently she has a new single that they tack on to Genie in A Bottle (ReMX). With a chorus like "I'm a superbitch" you can't go wrong. Also, I can tell she's had a child recently. Can you say muffin tops for hips?
10:48 - LC from the Hills and Chace from Gossip Girl present Best New Artist amid a sea of silence. Tokio Hotel wins, but I called that (Amelia can back that up) because they have a whole country (Germany) voting for them. I think they are popular because each member of the band represents a certain genre - One guy is hip hop with dreads, one guys is like ...emo ish with crazy hair and make up and he may be a girl, one is a skater and one is a metal guy. Awesome.
10:57 - LL Cool J shamelessly promotes his new album (like on the Teen Choice Awards), I couldn't see that coming. Paris Hilton is out to introduce best pop video and she hasnt changed outfits yet tonight (Amelia is shocked) and frankly so are my eyeballs (she is wearing way too much purple.) Britney Spears is nominated for best pop video, if she wins, MTV has officially rigged it.
10:58 - Britney wins. Apparently the VMA's have become a self esteem building step in the intervention process for Britney (step 6 - Everyone Loves You and MTV will show you that you ARE special). I wish I could call MTV sellouts, but we all know that happened when they started airing Real World/Road Rules battles 14 hours/day.
11:06 - And we are back! Drake (gay) and Josh (fat) come out to introduce to Kid Rock. Josh is sporting John Travolta's outfit from Saturday Night Fever along with his trash stash he looks like he might be trying too hard to prove he is 21. Kid Rock introduces his song by saying it's real and then rips into his new single which recalls the same exact riff of Sweet Home Alabama (he even says so in the chorus). I really wish Kid Rock died along with the rest of rap rock. He is not a real musician, nor do I think he has grown musically since his "Bawitdaba" days. Going from shitty rap to stealing 70's riffs is not an improvement. Also look at him, I seriously think I might have just gotten the clap. Uncool, kid. Uncool. Lil Wayne comes out to rap and I could care less. MTV you are trying too hard to recreate Run DMC/Aerosmith.
11:12 - Another commercial break of course. They promoted Video of the Year in 5 minutes and Kayne West in 8. I don't know if I can make it. The cat is asleep (yes I brought the cat to the awards) and Amelia is taking her contacts out (she'd rather not see the horror of Britney winning video of the year. She may not be nominated but that doesn't mean she wont win.
11:15 - Kanye West is performing...apparently I missed video of the year (wikipedia says it's Britney). Of course Kanye has to be a showboat and he performs a new song with an African beat and a weird echo-y vocal to a crowd of white girls. I'm sure he'll be crying afterwards that MTV doesn't care about black people.
11:18 - We head home for the evening and Amelia utters that the fake tan wasn't worth it. I agree. 3 awards for the whore who didn't put out an album this year and MTV has re-enforced themselves as the place to be if you want to be pop cultural irrelevant.
Closing remarks from Amelia :
Am I thinking of another award show where there are a ton of celebrities and then a large crowd with wristbands in the audience? Or is this another one, where a washed up Britney, who has never won a VMA, wins 3 with ONE terrible single?
Somewhere Eminem and his 100 Slim Shady's are rolling in their fat bloated graves.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
We're You Aware of It?
My cat likes to cuddle and kiss me. I would like him a whole lot more if, when he cuddled me, his breath didn't smell like a combination of Pamela Anderson's vagina and a dumpster containing sushi somewhere along the equator.
WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?
WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?
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