As you all know I deliver pizzas. I remember 4 years ago when my mother didn't want me to deliver Indian food because it was one of the most dangerous jobs in the country (right behind Ice Road Truckers and Rodeo Clown). Being the brash child I wished I was I disregarded her opinion and laughed all the way to the biznank to the tune of $50 a night. Flash forward 4 years and my mother was right.
My mother was referring to being robbed/murdered (which im not too afraid of, although one co-worker did tell me how his friend was shot in the head 18 years ago while delivering a pizza. This was my first day), however in backwoods North Carolina it is the dark you have to be afraid of. More specifically the dark causes you to not see things like gigantic trees that you may or may not have backed into on a delivery. Intrigued?
I was in the middle of 4 deliveries (a quad, as we call it in the biz) and so I was rushing. I delivered the second pizza and I was backing up his driveway (I use this term loosely as it was more of a run on ditch that started high, dipped in the middle and then went up again towards his home. To make driving even more fun he decided to live in the middle of a forest.) but it was pitch black (as all parts of rural NC are). How are you supposed to navigate your way through a wooded ditch forest in the pitch black of night you ask? Well I decided to try my back up camera, didn't work. As I neared the lowest part of the ditch my tires ran through a pool of standing water/mud and while trying to look at the screen in front of me and look behind me to see what was really there, I spun out and hit a tree.
The damage wasn't severe (although I'm sure the body repair bill will cost close to what JIVE records shelled out to MTV to let her win awards a.k.a. $874, and YES, I'm still livid about that), but it's an eyesore. The plastic covering the tail light cracked just a tad and there is a dent on the very end of the right passenger side near the tail light (which I will attempt to fix myself using Pops-A-Dent - the product sold by the guy who yells that OXY CLEAN WILL CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CARPETS. NOW!). To make matters worse I just got my oil changed and my car was getting 48 MPG beforehand, after the oil change a paultry 35 (this may or not be because I accused my Toyota dealership of fucking up my car and charging me for things that didn't need to be charged. Come on, admit you can see some schmuck Auto mechanic tighten the gas valve or whatever (do cars have these things? I'm not man enough to know) and then when I take it back say "hey we told you to get _____ fixed.") So now I'm starting a smear campaign against Rice Toyota.
Dear Rice Toyota -
You did not treat me right (as your commercials claim) and I do not enjoy spending 1 hour and 15 minutes watching Judge Alex waiting to get my oil changed (a 15 minute process). I recently heard that you use the bones of children as your tools (that's right IVORY wrenches, at least that's my best guess at what they buy with all the money they bleed out of me). So good people of America do not support Rice Toyota and their "Support Children's Bones Foundation".
Go Fuck Yourself
-Kelson
Short (ish) story, Tragic Ending.
2 comments:
YOU A TYPICAL HIGH AN MIGTY SNOB, MY DUDE. DRIVING A HYBRID AND HATIN ON THE SOUTH. AGAIN. YOU LUCKY THAT TREE AINT 1 OF MY BOYS DOWN THE BLOCK. DELIVERIN SHELLS TO YOU'RE PIZZA ASS. TAKE A LOOK AT YOSELF AND QUIT HATIN THE SOUTH. PEOPLE IN THE WOODS, CAR PEOPLES, AIN'T EVERYBDOY OUT TO GET YO ASS. AND DUDE COMMENTING ON ME, I GET YO SWAG. U SMILIN THRU THEM WORDS. CALLIN ME SLIM THUGGAAAA. ITS SLIM THUG. A RAPPER. EVERYBODY ON HERE HATIN THE SOUTH. I'LL PLAY UR GAME, THO.
SLIM THUGGGAA
Well isn't that priceless.
BILLY MAYS HERE, HATING THE SOUTH!
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