The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Part 1)

Here we are live from the Emmy's. Now I'm obsessed with television so this is kind of like my bible. (If the bible was acted out by people that were much more attractive than us humans.)

8:46 (Apparently there is some sort of hold up) Oprah kicks off the evening and luckily this is not the fat Oprah, it's the mildly chunky Oprah. I don't think she is hosting because the ads I've seen have about 10 different hosts fake brawling with each other. High entertainment.

8:47 Oprah makes a joke at her own expense, but secretly the last laugh is on us. Collectively we gave her 8 Billion dollars last year. No joke. She is generous though - $4 billion went to charity and the other half went to Double Stuffs and dildos.

8:49 - Our hosts - Tom Bergeron, Ryan Seacrest, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel and Heidi Klum. I'll bet 100 dollars that a) everyone will talk over each other the entire night and that b) Ryan Seacrest will end up hosting the show on his own by 10:00 PM. As I type this, Heidi Klum has yet to say anything.

8:50 - The Quinhosts wet my appettite by telling me they have NOTHING and that this is not a bit. Way to make me want to watch! Tom Bergeron has also said nothing and now he is staring at the ceiling I guess if there isn't a home video of a child punching a dad in the balls playing behind him, he's got nothing.

8:52 - We've already encountered 8 references to last years awful show (hosted by Seacrest). This can only mean that Seacrest is on the war path and someone will die tonight. They follow up this by ripping clothes off of Heidi Klum. Nothing like kicking off your awards show by showing the first step of a date rape live, on air! (And having half your female audience flashback to the time in college when they had one too many Jaegar Bombs).

8:55 - Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to present outstanding supporting actor in a comedy. Their bit is a little funny and even more racist. Let's see how many negative connotations we can get in tonight ABC. I'll provide a checklist:

Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest
Terrorism
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show

8:59 - John Cryer, Kevin Dillon, NPH (WINNER PLEASE), Jeremy "The Piv" Piven and Rainn Wilson nominated. I think Rainn will win. But NPH deserves it. He's NPH.

9:00 - Nope, it's The Piv. Entourage may suck these days but it's good to know that you can be rewarded for playing your douche bag self. Piven's speech starts with a story about a plane and roofing (this is bordering on terrorism). He wraps it up with a warm thank you, but I know he doesn't mean it.

9:01 - Commercial break, but not before I learn Josh Groban will be performing 30 theme songs tonight. I hope you won't mind if I puncture my ear drums now and just watch with close captions from now on.

9:03 - We are back and Tom Bergeron is sitting in the Seinfeld diner with Seacrest. This is a reflection back upon the golden days of TV (1992) and they play a clip on "The Contest." Did they not learn anything from last years 5 hour epic? CUT IT DOWN.

9:05 Julia Louis Dreyfus looks awesome for 55(ish). Too bad her new show (on CBS!) blows. She presents supporting actress in a comedy series. Nominees - Kristin Chenoweth, Amy Poehler, Jean Smart (she'll be arriving in a coffin), some bitch from two and a helf men, Vanessa Williams. Come on Chenoweth!!!!! Nope, Jean Smart. At least it wasn't supporting Two and A Half men. I have a feeling they will be nominated in every category and I don't understand why people like that show, it's Charlie Sheen and a nerd. Could you get more fucking generic? Oh, yeah and Charlie Sheen fucks a lot of women in the show. He really streches himself for this role.

9:08 - Jean Smart babbles on about nothing and starts to cry. She gets the wrap up music (or so my close caption says. Yes, they DO have closed captioning in the theater. They are pretty high tech.)

9:10 - Awkward kiss between Heidi Klum and Jeff Probst, that was fun, ya know to see Jeff Probst get erect on stage. They introduce Desperate Housewives as part of the "classic show" theme. Yeah.....I think everyone stopped caring about that show after season 1. Oh wait, it's on ABC you say? And these Emmy's are on ABC????? Oh, then yes it is a classic. The wives present best supporitng actor in a drama. Note: Felicity Huffman showed up as her character from Transamerica I think, but at this point I can't tell.

9:13 - Michael Emerson, Russian Guy, Ted Danson, William Shatner (although hes the comic relief) and John Slattery. I want Michael Emerson from Lost to win. Real bad. But Shatner will win. Nope, Russian guy wins. Let down, let's see if he speaks English. Yes, he does, with no accent. Another let down.

9:15 - Ricky Gervais. He's fucking smarmy (he did the original "The Office," you know the one that everyone thinks is funnier because they are snobby. Well, they get the snobbiness from him.) He introduces a bunch of "hilarious" acceptance speeches. I only laugh out loud once, at Brad Garrett no less. Yes, I'm ashamed FOR me.

9:18 - Gervais brings it back in and takes a dig at Steve Carell, invoking a genuinely hilarious stare down. He then proceeds to hop down and tickle him, so that Steve Carell will give him an emmy. He does and we get to nominees for director for variety. Academy Awards, Colbert, Daily Show, and SNL. ...Daily Show I bet. Nope, the guy who directed the Academy Awards. Fun fact, last year's Academy Awards were the lowest rated awards of all time! Yep he deserves it.

9:22 - Another classic show - The Simpsons. Conan O'Brien then appears in the Simpsons living room. ITS MAGIC! I can't make fun of the cone zone, I love him. He is here to present best supporting actress in a drama. He takes a stab at Katherine Heigl and everyone laughs (shes to good for TV, according to herself. Bitch) Nominees are Candice Bergen, Rachel Griffiths, Sandra Oh, Dianne Wiest, Chandra Wilson. I don't watch any of these shows, so I'll say Dianne Wiest. WINNER! That makes me 1/5.

9:25 - Jennifer Love "Big Tits McGee" Hewitt and Hayden "Floppy Boobs, Fat Ass" Paniettiere present outstanding writing on a variety program. One is hotter than the other, I'll let you guess based on my nicknames. (By the way Hayden Panitierre has a really oddly shaped body for a young "vixen". It's like she used to be a fat little kid that could act and her mom was like, LOSE THE WEIGHT, WHALE. And she did except in her ass and hips.) Nominees are: Stephen Colbert, Daily Show, Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, Late Show w/ David Letterman and SNL. I'll vote Colbert. WINNER again! I'm on a roll officially.

9:30 - Jeff Probst and Howie Mandel take the stage as I swallow a thimble full of vomit (I stole that line from the new Chuck Klosterman book. I love him.) They do this terrible bit that mirrors Deal or No Deal. How creative. Eventually they introduce Steve Martin, lets hope its funny Steve Martin and not "sad old I like to write myself into films as the old guy that obsesses over Claire Danes" Steve Martin.

9:32 - Funny Steve Martin wins, but it doesn't last as he continues the clasic TV show bit with "The Smothers Brothers," which went off the air about 30 years before I was born. (Nice work ABC, hit the old demographic and the sad desperate housewive from 3 years ago demographic). Turns out its a lifetime award from Tommy Smothers and it also turns out that I could care less.

9:36 - Tommy Smothers is babbling. The old man obviously thinks he is at a Shriner's meeting in Oshkosh, Wisconsin and starts saying (unintelligibly, of course) that war is bad. That's also pretty close to terrorism on the checklist. Let's check in:

Rape (Check)
Racism (Check)
Incest (If only Angelia Jolie did that guest appearance on Law and Order. She would totally be making out with her brother right now)
Terrorism (Half check)
Religion
Murder (Seacrest will take care of this, sooooo...Check)
Poverty
Low Ratings due to a terrible Emmy Show

9:40 - Seacrest introduces Groban to sing a medley of 30 songs. If you are unfamiliar with Groban he makes 50 year old women that drive Lexus' swoon. I guess if you had to classify his style it would be "gay" (other artists in this genre include Clay Aiken, Barry Manilow and Tony Bennett (don't worry Tony Bennett will be appearing later on when he wins his 49th consecutive Emmy for best musical special on PBS).

9;43 - Groban proves that he is the biggest star of our era by covering everything from Primus (South Park) to Will Smith (Fresh Prince) and of course the coup d'etat, Two and a Half Men. All while doing a half falsetto, half chewbacca type voice. It's quite the spectacle.

9:45 - Alec Baldwin (I also like him, even though he would probably call me a walrus because I once was in the same city as him). He introduces lead actress in a miniseries (ps the miniseries categories are a sham, how many miniseries do you think were produced this year? 5. How many nominees are there per category. 5. Hmm...interesting. A bunch of old ladies are nominated and Laura Linney wins (by the youngest of the bunch). I wouldn't have guessed her so I'm now 2/7. Laura Linney can never carry a movie though. She's like Renee Zellwegger in 8 years. (Without all the weight fluctuation and dating Jack White, of course).

9:51 - Tom Bergeron introduces Laugh In as a classic show. I'm gonna take a nap. The cast of Laugh In reunites to present outstanding variety series. They do characters they used to do and simultaneously lose 85% of their audience. Nominees - Colbert Report, Daily Show, Letterman, (notice a theme here?) Bill Mahr, and SNL. 4 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Daily show wins (I would voted Colbert - as I'm a staunch fake republican as well). 2/8. Are you playing along at home? Probably not, you are probably asleep. (I don't understand how Colbert wins for best writing and Daily Show wins best show. If you have the best writing don't you have the best show?)

9:58 - Best guest actor in a comedy series - brought to you by Lauren Conrad (this is worse than it seems, she has now been dignified in real life Hollywood, not just MTV Hollywood. ABC will regret this.) Nominees - Will Arnett (my pick), the dad from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Steve Buscemi, Tim Conway and Rip Torn. Guest Actress - Edie Falco, Carrie Fisher, Kathryn Joosten, Sarah Silverman, Elaine Stritch. Winners? Tim Conway and Kathryn Joosten. Interesting to note that 7 out of the 10 nominees were on 30 Rock (the best comedy on TV.) Neither of these people get an acceptance speech. (I think ABC just edited out 5 minutes of cheering.)

10:02 - Director in a comedy series (The Office twice, Pushing Daises, 30 Rock and something else). Pushing Daisies wins and I'm 3/11. Pushing Daises is one awesome f'in show (We're You Aware of It?). Barry Sonnenfeld gives a shaky acceptance speech and he just might cry.

10:03 Lauren Conrad is still on stage. Best writing in a comedy series (The Office, Flight of the Concords, Pushing Daisies, 30 Rock twice.) I vote for the Office considering the nominated episode was written immediately following the strike and was one of my favorite episodes of the season. (However this will be bittersweet considering those same writers bitched and moaned for 4 months about wanting 5 more dollars. Whores.

10:08 - We aren't even half way over and I want to kill myself. Congratulations Emmy's, you've done it again. West Wing introduced as another classic TV show and Martin Sheen arrives. I want to murder him for giving birth to Charlie Sheen. (I hate Charlie Sheen.) He tells people to vote. Then introduces the President of the Emmys. He makes me want to turn on Elliot Smith and stab myself in the heart with a spork. If only i could fast forward time....

10:12 - Ah Christina Applegate and Christian Slater introduce made for TV movie. Im not even gonna dignify this with a guess. Recount wins for what its worth. It was directed by the same man who directed Austin Powers, so you know its a cinematic masterpiece.

10:15 - Dragnet. Jeff Probst flubs a line and then introduces Laurence Fishburne looking like a hotel waiter and the guy from CSI. This turns out to be a ceremonial passing of the torch, because apparently the guy from CSI is leaving to work on a film career that's sure to bomb. They present actor in a mini series, again I will not dignify this category but note that 5 actors were nominated from only 2 different movies. Are you positive this category isn't rigged? Do you think they get actors to do these made for TV movies by saying "Hey you are definitely going to get nominated for an Emmy and you have a 1/5 shot of winning. You want an Emmy, right?" And actors do. They all want Emmy's.

10:18 - Colbert and John Stewart introduce best directing for a miniseries. Colbert (yes I think we are on a last name basis) brings on prunes and does a nice little bit about them. You know the drill see you in 5 minutes.

10:26 - MASH classic show. Can't disagree I guess. Sandra Oh presents supporting actress in a miniseries. You know what? I'm just fast forwarding through the rest of these. Fun note - she does make a racist joke about her Asian heritage. Her parents wanted her to be doctors. Can you believe that?!?!?! Hardy har har.

10:27 - Don Rickles and a disheveled, whore like Kathy Griffin come out and she makes everyone stand to cheer the bald, fat washed up comedian. Rickles makes a bunch of terrible jokes but everyone is forced to laugh at gunpoint. Nominees for reality program - Amazing Race, American Idol, Project Runway, Dancing with Stars, Top Chef. I vote Top Chef, but the amazing Race always wins. And they do. BACK ON TOP BABY. Amazing Race has won 6 in a row.

I'm about to pass out, so I'm just gonna take a short break until tomorrow.