My "Live" Grammy Blog

In the hopes of latching onto Grammy fame - I'm live blogging from the first row of the Grammy's. You ask how I got these tickets, and I say you can find the answer in Ryan Seacrest's apartment. (Nothing like murdering someone and framing it to look like a mass gay suicide - Seacrest out (of the closet).)

I somehow managed to get lost in LA and thus wasn't able to get seated until about 8:30 PM - 30 minutes into the evening. Before I start, you may wonder "what happens during the commercials - well it turns out they just show the commercials on stage - thus I'll be "fast forwarding" through these parts.

Let the games begin.

8:30 - I find my seat while briefly managing to cop a feel on the singer from Smash Mouth - who amazingly is a) still alive and b) in the front row?. Yikes - maybe these arent good seats.

8:31 - I find out why these arent good seats. An enormous lady - who could be Aretha Franklin's eatin' buddy walks on stage to duet with a small black child on a cover of The Beatles' "Let it Be." I'm afraid she might eat me. Thank god the Smash Mouth singer has more fat on his bones.

8:33 - A chorus joins them on stage and has only 1 white member. I'm really tired of the "token white", it's getting sick Hollywood.

8:34 - Apparently this was a number from "Across the Universe" - The Beatles musical.

8:35 - Cyndi Lauper and Miley Cyrus on stage to present. Miley Cyrus looks scared as shit because she realizes that she will be Cyndi in 20 years. Meanwhile, Cyndi completely disregards the audience to tell Miley how pretty she is about 5 inches from her face. I'm surprised she didn't go for the shocker as well. Miley seems like shes a fan.


8:36 - Jason Batemen - from Arrested Development - is on an outdoor stage where the Foo Fighters will play later. I love Jason Batemen, but he is having trouble...reading.... It turns out there are 3 contestants who will play a classical instrument WITH the Foo Fighters. (This must be a dream come true - I know I'd shit my pants to play with a classical orchestra. It works the opposite way too right?

8:38 - The contestants do individual jam outs and to be honest I think one of them is 35 years old. Someone needs to hand her a note to tell her she is not an upcoming artist anymore. She clearly only knows Dave Grohl from Nirvana.

8:39 - Batemen admits he can't read. I will spend the next 5 minutes crying.

8:45 - Kanye West performs his hit "Stronger" and he has a fiber optic jacket. Is he the epitome of cool? (Let's just say hes the only black rapper the hipsters in Brooklyn will admit to liking).

8:48 - Daft Punk - who never show their faces - appear on stage in a very 80's video game inspired theme. I don't believe they are actually playing the beats live.

8:49 - West breaks into full fledged song about his mother - it's sweet (shes dead). He even sings. While this is nice I can only imagine what West threatened to do to the Grammy's if he didn't get TEN minutes to perform. (My guess is he would immediately through a temper tantrum and jump on stage when Amy Winehouse wins Best New Artist, insisting HE is the best new artist.)

8:52 - Apparently the grammy's arent handing out awards this year. Oh yeah -Amy Winehouse DID win best new artist. Thank jesus she wasn't in attendance, I'm sure she would have given Hannah Montana a heroin addiction just by touching her. Anyway - Fergie sings a solo number only accompanied by a piano - she just must a note. Someone should tell her she's not famous for her voice. (More so her bulldog face and that sweet Crystal Meth addiction.)


8:55 - ANNNNNNNNND shes done. She presents best album - there is no way Across the Universe loses. I hate the Beatles so much. And it turns out they are nominated twice.

8:56 - The other Beatles thing wins and the composer is too old to walk on stage. Ringo Starr accepts the award and Fergie swats him away.

8:57 - The old man goes on about something. He has the worst come over ever - half of it is standing up. Welcome to the Grammy's - we please our 90 year old demographic!

9:03 - Cher comes on stage - makes an old joke. ( I hate when they steal my material) She introduces Beyonce.

9:04 - She has the biggest camel toe I've ever seen. I know her mother makes her outfits, but I feel like she wouldnt want to showcase the Camel Toe in a lime green one piece. Thoughts?

9:05 - Tina Turner looks....decent? Oops, too soon. She looks like Robert DeNiro when she sings. (At least she is singing the only song of hers I know - What's love?) Speaking of love - don't you wish Ike was still alive to run on stage and slap her for disobeying him by showing her 80 year old boobies. And yes her nipples are hard.

9:07 - I wish the Grammy's realized just because someone is old doesn't make them a legend. Tina Turner didn't revolutionize music in anyway - she had one hit pop song that I'm sure she didn't even write.

9:08 - Tina stops and I am relieved. This is short lived because she brings out Beyonce (who has changed in 3 minutes). Excuse me while I black out.

9:12 - I'm up. I'll just assume I didn't miss anything other than old knees and camel toes. Nelly Furtado is on stage - is no one actually hosting this? Billy Crystal is surely available. Some old guy with Nelly decides says Burt Bacharach is a lifetime Grammy award achiever - this takes 15 seconds before they go into Song of the Year.

9:14 - I like that they credit the writers instead of the artists. Come on UMBRELLA.

Nope - Another Amy Winehouse. I hope this doesn't get talking about in the media for the next week. (Let's reward massive drug users - that'll teach the kids good. Also - isn't this like football players using steroids? I believe anyone could write a hit song on methamphetamines.

9:20 - Sweet! We get to find out which douchebag contestant gets to play with the Foos. The asian (surprise) violinist wins.

9:21 - The Foo Fighters play. I used to like them, but lets just say they've passed their prime. (funny story here - the other two contestants are playing in the orchestra that is playing with the band as well - so really everyone wins) I hope you voted on your cell phone - because you just wasted $2.

9:23 - This is the deadest rock crowd ever ( although this may be due to the fact that they crammed about 1000 people into a 100' space). Everyone jump!!!! (aka raise your hand). Dave Grohl needs a haircut - I find him extremely unmarketable with long hair.

9:26 - WOW - Pat Smear (No way this is his real name) is a rhythm guitarist for the band - he was also the rhythm guitarist for Nirvana. My my my...time has not treated him well. Time for another commercial - the first words we hear are "Coming up - George Lopez speaks." I believe I'm not the only one that responded...So?

9:32 - SHUTUP EVERYONE - George Lopez SPEAKS. Here come the racial jokes. He introduces a country artist...Will anyone be surprised if the Brad Paisley makes a racial slur during the song?

9:37 -Chris Brown is here to present ...best rap album? ( I only assume this because 3 black people are on stage - one of them being Beyonce's sister...who isnt a musician..right?) Kanye West will win.

9:38 - He wins and he has Mama shaved into the back of his head. C'est adorable. Let's take bets that he is gonna cry. He is talking way too much - come on Kanye - where are the water works? Yikes. He brings up his mother and even though they've been playing music in the background for 30 seconds - he says "It would be in good taste to stop the music now." Which it would be...but Kayne is not making friends ANYwhere these days.

9:42 - The artist formally known as Ludacris presents some Gospel of some kind. Aretha Franklin ...now I'm sure I'm gonna get eaten. I look down the aisle to see if Smash Mouth is still there. Just skeletons. Damn shes quick.

9:44 - The token white guy is back in the chorus. These days Aretha Franklin looks like she could Jabba the Hut's mother. She has more far on her right arm than a humpback whale does on his whole body. I guess she lost all self R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

9:46 - Even more black female singers - I'm noticing a trend tonight.

9:56 - Two people I don't recognize to talk about Bluegrass. I could care less right about now another lifetime Grammy. Apparently Feist is performing - smooth transition.

9:57 - If you don't reside in Brooklyn or live on Stereogum and Brooklyn Vegan you only know her from the Ipod commercial. At least she is playing the Ipod song. Although I'm sure everyone is disappointed because its a little bit less grandiose. Where is the choreography and colorful outfits - AMERICA EATS THAT UP (for examples please look at Nsync - and yes I dont believe she is any different from Nsync in that particular video. SEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL out.)

10:00 - Kid Rock comes on stage to have a very awkward confrontation with some old women. I doubt she even knows who he is. He also has a cigar in his pocket....Since when did Kid Rock become a credible grammy artist. Last time i checked he was a self proclaimed trailer rap rock redneck - oh Grammy's you are a joke.

10:02 - The old woman can smell Pam Anderson Vag on Kid Rock's breath. She recoils at first, but comes back for more.

10:04 - Best Rock Album was a throw on at the end of that - only 1 of the bands in that category is considered rock in real life. Luckily they win. Apparently there are 12 people in the band and they are all on stage...The ugliest entourage in America goes to the Foo Fighters. Except Dave Grohl , he is way hot.

10:11 - Stevie Wonder makes his annual Grammy appearance - and as not to disappoint makes everyone wonder who the fuck dressed him. He's blind people - stop playing practical jokes. He says something about someone and then throws it to Alicia Keys and her big ole behind.

10:13 - She stops playing piano to sing it to the crowd and she looks decent. But I think her ass may have seriously punched someone in the face. Good news - there was a keyboard waiting in the middle of the audience so she could play it. Very unnecessary - since someone is already playing Piano. I don't do much coke, but I think she may be on the coke right now - she has some of the shakes.

10:15 OH SNAP. John Mayer comes out to rock with her. I honestly don't like his music but he's just fun to watch because I know how funny he is and down to earth he seems. This is almost like the Dave Chappelle sketch.

10:17 - Ringo Starr and some other bearded guy come out to introduce best Country Album...Does this make sense to anyone? Yeah me neither. I've already had too much Beatles tonight sir. Some hick wins and I don't care. My my is he pudgy. While he talks - we see "People's fan of the year" what are the chances she actually likes Vine Gill? Although - she did look like she wanted a hug from the fatty.

10:18 - He takes a shot at Kayne West and thus bets are now being placed on how soon he will have a "horse accident."

10:25 - Joe Montaigna - an actor - introduces some old musicians up for lifetime achievement I assume. Nope - some sort of blues performance with Herbie Hancock - the guy from the 80's who had some weird music video with robots. PIANO WARS.

10:32 Apparently I passed out again - due to the fact that Aretha Franklin ate my foot. I hate the Grammys.

10:33 - Best rap song is brought to you by Glock and presented by two very white people - including a 16 year old girl. I hope she doesnt get raped. Rihanna wins - is this rap? I like it, so I'm guessing no. Pretty boring acceptance speech. One thing of note is that her hair keeps getting shorter and shorter. Not a fan. Watch out for her next album "Rihanna - The Next Sinead O'Connor"


10:41 - Amy Winehouse performs live from England - probably her meth filled basement. It should be exciting to see if she can get through this performance without any Meth in her system. I bet no, and she ends up getting her fix on stage. (I hope she bought needles!)

10:42 - She plays some song that I don't know and I realize she has the skinniest legs ever. Maybe meth aint so bad after all. She finally goes into "Rehab" - insert ironic quip here.

10:46 - I don't get the fascination with her - the music to this song was written in the 1950's. She not doing anything new except writing some quite UN-subtle references to her drug addiction. SHES A GENIUS. Shes taking doo wop music and singing about drugs, and shes white! WOW. Fuck the grammys so much.

10:47 - Tony Bennett appears on stage with glasses from the 70's and he is having trouble reading, this isn't funny, its really...sad. So lets talk about how Tony Bennett is contractually obligated to appear on every award show. (The Grammys- for music, The Emmy's - for PBS program where he sings the classics, The Oscars - for a documentary and The Tony's - because his name is Tony.

10:50 - Somehow Tony manages to read Amy's name for Best R&B song - so thats 3/3 I think. She looks surprised, but that could just be the crystal meth setting in. Oh glassy eyes.


10:57 - Some dumb documentary shot in the style of "This Old House" on PBS (Aka badly edited and awkward to watch). What makes this funnier is that the guy in studio presenting it throws it to himself on video.

11:03 - The retrospective on all the people who died in music this year. I can honestly say I care not. Now we are gonna get an Opera tribute to Pavarotti.

11:12 - From the time stamps you may notice that I'm slowing down but that also because old country wench is on stage introducing Jerry Lee Lewis and John Fogerty...Wake up if you are 50+ years old. Excuse me while i carve out my ear drums.

11:25 - So close yet so far - Will I Am from the Black Eyed Peas - performs his originally peace about the Grammys. Apparently he can spell Grammys. This is a man that couldn't sell over 100k copies of his new cd - and he gets to perform? At least he didnt win I guess.

11:28 - I'm pretty sure only 6 awards have been given out during the evening - which leaves 393 that were given out at some other point. Is there even a need for these? Album of the year nominees - a shot at Kayne West by Usher. Kayne is seriously gonna murder someone because Herbie Hancock just won - I hope they show Kayne, if hasn't already left the building. Herbie Hancock struggles with his speech (finding it, not reading it) and my tivo cuts off... What a wonderful way to end the grammys - a brief unexpected cut. (contrary to the contrived predictable awards given out)


One last note - What do the Grammy's really represent? Obviously the awards are not (and SHOULD not) given out to the biggest sellers. But looking at this list can you say that people like Daughtry and Carrie Underwood are the best ARTISTS in the country? The grammy's only looks at artist signed to major record labels, and you can only get signed to a label if you can be marketed like a product. Yes they may have talent, but most of them didnt write their own music and are more gimmick than anything.

Enough of my soapbox - next week - OSCARS. Who wants to take bets on quickly we will see Tony Bennett.

Grammpy Pants

So after writing my 8000 word opus over a month ago I will make my triumphant return this Saturday - February 16th with my Live Grammy Blog.

Yes I was at the Grammy's. If you happened to TiVo the telecast I was sandwiched in between Tony Bennett and his bottle of Scotch and his tube of Bengay. Tony almost let me walk on stage with him when he was nominated 5 times in the same category for "Best Duet with Tony Bennett." I was almost to the front of the stage when he realized I wasn't his cyborg butler. I now have a dull bruise (like what an orange gets) on my forearm from where Tony tried to grab it. They had to pry his fingers off, not because his grip was too strong, but because he bones quickly formed arthritic and he couldn't flex them.

I can't wait till the Oscar's when he is nominated with Tim Robbins for " A Conversation with Tony Bennett."

So maybe I didn't attend the Grammy's but my Tivo let me have a front row seat for the 3 or so hours of it. Check back Saturday for the winners...if ...ya know...you like knowing the winners a week late.