Sunday, September 07, 2008

The Time I Went to the VMA's (With My Girlfriend)

Here we are (Amelia and I that is) at the VMA's (I spent the last 15 minutes fake tanning her so that she could outweigh the paleness of Haley from Paramore). The show is about to start and I gotta admit Russell Brand is pretty funny in those commercials.

9:00 PM - Dressing room of Britney Spears with Jonah Hill. So many possibilities. ...So many failures. I expect more from Jonah Hill but apparently he's only funny when he's saying how fat he is. '


9:02 - Britney walking from her dressing room, backstage (with a bad weave says Amelia). The VMA's are in LA this year and apparently the auditorium is the size of a high school theatre. This better wrap up in 2 hours because Fiddler on the Roof is coming in right afterward.

9:04 - Rihanna premieres a new song which is just left of awful. (I just now realize that this song is not new and is named after one of Shia LaBeouf's worst movies (Disturbia)). Also she seems to look more androngynous with every public appearance, including a rat tail that seemed to have been pinned on her in a cruel game of "Pin the Tail on the Nasally Jamaican singer."

Side note - The audience is about a 1/10th of the size it normally is. It's kind of depressing as there is no place to do any theatrics. I expect more MTV, maybe a drunken outburst from SlipKnot. Is that too much to ask? Amelia and I can't get over this.

9:09 - Russell Brand (apparently playing himself in Forgetting Sarah Marshall). He announces that CanYeah West will perform and proceeds to call George Bush a "retard cowboy fellow." I told you he would be funny.

Side note: They showed the audience again and it looked like the studio where they filmed Double Dare. This makes it seem like a comedy special gone horribly wrong.

9:13 - No one in this audience is responding to his British humor, that could be because they only crammed in about 4 real fans in the back, next to superstars like Jamie Foxx.

9:15 - Speak of the devil. Jamie Foxx is pushing 50 and he is still keeping it real spewing ebonics like he's still in the ghetto. Oh, a Busta Rhymes imitation, only 10 years too late. He's announcing Best Female Pop something or other. Once again the audience is silent, so let's just pretend that this is all filmed in front of a screen.

9:18 - I predict Katy Perry. Jamie Foxx decides that Britney Spears is the winner. I say this because there is no way that card said Britney Spears won. (Although on second thought MTV might've just said "Fuck it. We really need Britney Spears back on MTV." This would account for the massive "DONT MISS BRITNEY SPEARS at 9. SHARP" Ad campaign they did this last week in addition to her fucking up her speech and holding the mic in front of her mouth like she's about to a) rap battle (Amelia's thought) or b) suck a dick (my thought). I'm gonna guess shes more comfortable with B.

9:20 - Pete Wentz interviews Heidi and Spencer from the Hills. The rest of America plays the "Can you spot the biggest douchebag game?" Surprisingly Spencer takes the win. Mostly for his creepy blond beard and his referencing "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift."

9:26 - Back from commercial. Apparently Britney Spears has never won a VMA before....This doesn't help MTV's "we rigged this, we really want Britney back" cause. And I seem to be using a lot of "quotes" tonight. I'm sorry. I guess I'm in a "naming dumb shit" mood. Let's continue.

9:27 - Demi Moore to present....missed it. The important thing is that she doesn't look like a corpse. However, she forgot a microphone and you can see her teleprompter scrolling behind her. Again, this is rivaling my high school's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in terms of professionalism. Best male video goes to Chris Brown. That sounds right, he's so hot right now.

9:30 - Taylor Swift to announce the Jonas Brothers she has decided to look like a Whore tonight bye using close to 4 LBS of eyeshadow. Apparently alot of TV shows were shot in the studio where the awards are being held and so the Jonas brothers are on a stoop. Personally, I wouldn't cry if they were victims of a drive by shooting. Let's make this as realistic as possible. They go from stoop to full blown "rock" concert and the tweens rush the stage. I'll estimate the body count at about 14 trampled (the only advantage to being a pudgy tween is that you can force your way to the front of a Jonas brothers stage).

9:36 - Amelia has departed she probably vomitted when she heard Travis Barker and DJ AM covering Oasis.

9:40 - The show returns and I can see production staff behind Russell Brand as he talks. Really MTV? You couldn't find a better building, it's Los Angeles not Topeka.

9:41 - Michael Phelps introduces Leona Lewis and T-Pain and Lil Wayne. This should be interesting considering that it will be hard to replicate his voice box live. Important to note that Lil Wayne seems to be sporting a red bandana in support of the bloods and that his dreadlocks may be a Milli Vanilli replica.

9:45 - On the T-Pain situation - it turns out they did a mixture of him singing terribly live and doing his voice box track behind him. Everybody wins! (PS - T-Pain seems to be the new Lil Jon. Is is the same person? Have you ever seen them at the same time.)

9:46 - Lindsay Lohan appears to introduce best dance video and she's dressed like a 45 year old cocktail waitress in Vegas. No joke is needed here. Pussycat Dolls win best dance video. That seems about right, since their whole shtick is being burlesque whor....dancers.

9:57 - Finally back from commerical and Russell announces the cast of Twilight. Which is a vampire movie that comes out in 4 months and which they've been promoting like a bat out of hell. Can you smell a bomb?

9:59 - Paramore performs across town in a barn or something. What's with the emo girls that decide to dress as poorly as possibly. Dear Haley, your red/purple/blond hair does not go with your tight yellow jeans. Also, Amelia thinks your arms are fat. She's a little right. She's also half talking her way through the song. Overall, just a poor poor performance. (This from a boy who pretended to have a thing with her on Warped Tour just 4 years ago. I officially got over her when she started strutting like a peacock on stage.)

10:01 - So apparently they are not at the Whiskey a Go Go across town as previously stated by the cast of Twilight. They were in the theatre all along!!!! However, no one saw this coming as they did NOT foreshadow it by saying "Nothing is as it seems." Right before hand.

10:02 - Another commercial break so I'll continue on with the downfall of the 18 year old Hayley Williams. According to Amelia she looks like a crazed 8/38 year old. Her red carpet outfit was straight from Cyndi Lauper in the 80's (Ponytail to the side, OMG? I'm so young I can barely dress myself right) and her concert performance was Cyndi Lauper now (a little big in the hips a little haggred in the face and throat). Miley Cyrus welcome to your future.

10:08 - Slash and Shia LaBeouf to present Rock video. You can just see Slash back stage saying (cigarette in mouth) "Hey man, who the fuck are you?" And Shia fighting back the tears with a handle of Whiskey and a hip vintage t-shirt as a rag. LInking Park wins best rock video for their power ballad. Welcome back to 2003 America.


10:12 - Miley Cyrus introduces Pink however she might have been going down on 3 of the guys from Tokio Hotel beforehand. Is that a lie? Would you be surprised? I don't think so.

10:14 - Does anyone remember when Pink's hair was actually Pink? Even more, does anyone remember when Pink thought she was black. No? Well neither does Pink. Her new song has a chorus of "So What, I'm still a rockstar." Let's just say she's a long way from her R&B tinged days of "There you Go" and "You Make Me Sick." She is quickly followed by another commercial break. Fannnnnntastic.

10:24 - Pete Wentz is back to awkwardly talk to his wife about voting for best new artist. Ah, the emo in him still shines like his tears glistening in the moonlight.

10:25 - Slipknot to introduce best hip hop video. Oh MTV you are so ironic. The nerd from Superbad comes out with a mask on and they threaten to beat him down. Sounds like a good time for the family. Flo Rida better win this award, cause lets be honest thats the catchiest song of the year. Nope, Lil Wayne. He has a short acceptance speech (god, family, fans). I thank him as this show is starting to drag like the corpse of Jessica Simpson's career.

10:31 - TI performs some shitty new song followed by a rendition of the Numa Numa song (youtube video where the fat kid sings techno to his computer) with Rihanna. Good news, she looks even more like a 16 year old boy greaser from the 50s. Even better news: the song is even worse when sung in a nasally tone and rapped by a man who just spent 6 months in prison.


10:38 - Man there is nothing like 7 minute commercial breaks to lull you to sleep. Don't worry folks only 30 minutes more (the tv guide says this will go until 11:13, I bet MTV is so clever that something magical will happen at like 11:11. Bristol Palin having an abortion on stage? One can hope. Look at me being political. I like Sarah Palin, for the same reasons that people say she would be a good VP, because she makes me feel like, I a simple delivery boy, could cause a major political scandal. Just what we want in office, someone that the people can relate to in the most scandalous way possible. Yes, we are still on commercial.)

10:42 - High School Musical cast comes on to introduce Xtina Aguilera and the black one with the curly afro has not aged well. Let's just say when HSM 3 comes out this fall, he'll be the token 20 something that looks like he doesn't belong in high school.

10:43 - Christina Aguilera performs a techno/Eurythmics influences version of Genie in a Bottle in a catwoman suit. I'm pretty sure they promoted this as her new single. Lazy much, Xtina?

10:44 - She is definitely not singing as she pulls the mic from her mouth and the volume of her voice remains the same. She's been lipsynching professionally for years now, has she not learned this trick. Apparently she has a new single that they tack on to Genie in A Bottle (ReMX). With a chorus like "I'm a superbitch" you can't go wrong. Also, I can tell she's had a child recently. Can you say muffin tops for hips?

10:48 - LC from the Hills and Chace from Gossip Girl present Best New Artist amid a sea of silence. Tokio Hotel wins, but I called that (Amelia can back that up) because they have a whole country (Germany) voting for them. I think they are popular because each member of the band represents a certain genre - One guy is hip hop with dreads, one guys is like ...emo ish with crazy hair and make up and he may be a girl, one is a skater and one is a metal guy. Awesome.

10:57 - LL Cool J shamelessly promotes his new album (like on the Teen Choice Awards), I couldn't see that coming. Paris Hilton is out to introduce best pop video and she hasnt changed outfits yet tonight (Amelia is shocked) and frankly so are my eyeballs (she is wearing way too much purple.) Britney Spears is nominated for best pop video, if she wins, MTV has officially rigged it.

10:58 - Britney wins. Apparently the VMA's have become a self esteem building step in the intervention process for Britney (step 6 - Everyone Loves You and MTV will show you that you ARE special). I wish I could call MTV sellouts, but we all know that happened when they started airing Real World/Road Rules battles 14 hours/day.

11:06 - And we are back! Drake (gay) and Josh (fat) come out to introduce to Kid Rock. Josh is sporting John Travolta's outfit from Saturday Night Fever along with his trash stash he looks like he might be trying too hard to prove he is 21. Kid Rock introduces his song by saying it's real and then rips into his new single which recalls the same exact riff of Sweet Home Alabama (he even says so in the chorus). I really wish Kid Rock died along with the rest of rap rock. He is not a real musician, nor do I think he has grown musically since his "Bawitdaba" days. Going from shitty rap to stealing 70's riffs is not an improvement. Also look at him, I seriously think I might have just gotten the clap. Uncool, kid. Uncool. Lil Wayne comes out to rap and I could care less. MTV you are trying too hard to recreate Run DMC/Aerosmith.

11:12 - Another commercial break of course. They promoted Video of the Year in 5 minutes and Kayne West in 8. I don't know if I can make it. The cat is asleep (yes I brought the cat to the awards) and Amelia is taking her contacts out (she'd rather not see the horror of Britney winning video of the year. She may not be nominated but that doesn't mean she wont win.

11:15 - Kanye West is performing...apparently I missed video of the year (wikipedia says it's Britney). Of course Kanye has to be a showboat and he performs a new song with an African beat and a weird echo-y vocal to a crowd of white girls. I'm sure he'll be crying afterwards that MTV doesn't care about black people.

11:18 - We head home for the evening and Amelia utters that the fake tan wasn't worth it. I agree. 3 awards for the whore who didn't put out an album this year and MTV has re-enforced themselves as the place to be if you want to be pop cultural irrelevant.

Closing remarks from Amelia :

Am I thinking of another award show where there are a ton of celebrities and then a large crowd with wristbands in the audience? Or is this another one, where a washed up Britney, who has never won a VMA, wins 3 with ONE terrible single?

Somewhere Eminem and his 100 Slim Shady's are rolling in their fat bloated graves.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Phenomenal, and by phenomenal I mean you accurate account of the VMA's. While I am not usually one to boast of my interest in such things I did stay up and watch the whole horrible event.
Thank you for allowing me to read your post and relive all of the pain and anguish of the 2008 Video Spears Awards show.
Want to get together in a warehouse and make a better VMAs with a slightly retarded boy named Leroy, I think we may have a hit.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to take credit for that comment only because I am amazing and I have a pure unadulterated love for the author.

Derril said...

Linking Park!?

did you sleep through 2003?

Anonymous said...

you saw disturbia and enjoyed it stop your vicious lies sir.

Anonymous said...

I DID vomit that night! lol

Anonymous said...

OMG U FUCKIN FAG RACIST! TIP SPENT 6 MONTHS UNDER HOUSE ARREST NOT JAIL YOU DICKBAG. HE HAS TO COMPLETE 1200 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE TALKING TO KIDS AND PERFORMING BEFORE HE SPENDS A YEAR IN JAIL. STOP HATING ON TIP. STOP HATING ON T-PAIN AND LIL JON. LIL WAYNE IS A FAG LIEK U HE KISSED BABY ON THE MOUTH ONE TIME. WTF MAN, U THINK YOUR FUNNY HATING ON RAP IN YOU'RE TOUGH GUY BLOG.
KEEP ON LISTINENG TO JONAS BROS YOU ASS.

SLIM THUGGAAAA

Anonymous said...

Listen guys, I think Slim Thuggaaaa is addressing some important issues here. Maybe people who kissed baby on the mouth one time should, in general, be more accurately informed about court decisions which concern important cultural icons such as this "TIP" of whom he speaks. House arrest or penitentiary? Community service hours or panopticon? These are the issues of the day. How can one feel an informed citizen of Earth without answers to these questions?

Maybe this teaches us all to scrutinize the media headlines and keep hold of what is REALLY important. Band together under the sheltering wing of ephemeral popular culture! "Keep on listening to Jonas Bros," he cries! I could not agree more. The positive young image and upbeat rhythms of the Jonas boys do much to improve the societal morale.

Think on this, friends.Review the words of kind Thuggaaaa.Where would we be without T-PAIN and Lil Jon? And would we be better off without this Lil Wayne fellow who, I'm told, is a fag? These are the questions we need to be asking ourselves lest we ALL become tough guy blogs.