I went to the Cracker Barrel with Amelia in the middle of the afternoon on a random Wednesday or Thursday (who can remember? I was so giddy for the experience). Now, in all honesty, I have been to a Cracker Barrel once before, but it was at least 8 years ago when my mind wasn't fully capable of realizing the complete retardation this restaurant represents. We get to Cracker Barrel and we have to swim through a sea of rocking chairs that probably sit about 5 feet high (they may or may not have been built for Paul Bunyan and his ox, Blue) and two Cracker Barrel employees who decided to do some paperwork outside (although what actually happened was one decided to do paperwork outside then called upon the second to physically stop the papers from blowing away.)
Once inside you have to make your way through a gift shop/general store. Now this is something I can't really comprehend, who really needs to commerate a trip to a restaurant (which is a chain and can be found in every city from Virginia to Florida) by buying Cracker Barrel paraphenalia and other weird southern knick knacks. The rocking chairs are included in the things you can purchase (only $189!!!). Again, these chairs are at least 5 feet and will only fit in the bed of a pick up truck, this will tell you all you need to know about Cracker Barrel clientele - They assume that you will be bringing a pick up truck with you today. Good times.
We are seating in the non smoking section, which bears a terrible similarity to the smoking section in that it smells just like...the smoking section. A quick glance to my left and I discover that the only seperating these two sections is a half wall with a wooden fence like structure (specifically designed for letting smoke through, I think). Our waitress (Ashley?) comes up and she is nice enough until I realize that she has a 2 star apron. What is a 2 star apron, you ask? Well apparently CB decided that they would rank their waitresses and then let you know which ones are shitty. The thinking went something like this "Oh hey new customer, this is your waitress Ashley. We could have given you a 4 star, or even a 3 star, but we want you to know that you are getting a two star waitress. See, we've even embroidered it on her apron, kind of like a shoutout to Hitler. Here at Cracker Barrel we will give you our 3rd best quality waitress and hate Jews, like the true southerners we are."
It was ordering time - we both decided on some sort of "Skillet Special" - hers was broccoli cheese, maybe some chicken? and bread crumbs in lieu of rice. Could you eat that many bread crumbs? Did you know bread crumbs could be substituted for rice? WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT? I had the mushroom, rice, chicken combo. Both orders came quick and were somewhat delicious although I felt like I had just ingested a tube of slow digesting glue.
While waiting on the food I notice a card on the table saying that Cracker Barrel had collecte unique American merchandise and hung it on the walls (this is completely original, no matter what TGIFridays, Applebee's Chili's, or any local bar says or hangs on the wall. CB WANTS YOU TO REMEMBER THIS.) They also say that you can look around and check it all out. I was hoping no one would do this because it would be weird to be eating and have someone leaning over your table to look at Louis Armstrong's saxaphone reed or an old KKK picture while you are shoveling down corn bread that had no sweetness at all. Cracker Barrel gets a B on Food and a C on creepiness.
Part 2 Tomorrow.
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