So recently I made my way down to the not-so-great state of Texas for the annual music industry jerk off called SXSW. Now this was my first time here and like its step sister (CMJ in NYC) it made me want to shoot a bunch of hipsters in the kneecaps. (If you are wondering yes it IS mandatory to have several capitalized letters in the name of a music industry festival - look out for the end all be all next year in Los Angeles - PBUBWFTMTYDRLTOB or "Please Blow Us Because We Find The Music That You Don't Really Listen To Or Buy.") Needless to say, patience is not my strong suit when it comes to arrogant fucks that are drunk for 4 consecutive days. So shall we begin?
I leave Thursday morning - the festival starts on Wednesday and runs until Sunday with thousands of bands and just as many parties (complete with cocaine and ribs!!!) running all week. (It's important to note that I was RSVP'ed to almost every party conceivable by a co-worker and was urged to go to as many as possible by another co worker, these people obviously don't know of my hatred of their kind.)
8:22 AM - I get through airport security - I mention this because something scary will come up later in this post. Just remember this and hope that you wear a 8 inch thick kevlar vest on your next flight.
8:45 AM - Is there a reason that the janitorial staff at most airports are conspicuous and creepy? Isn't this the easiest way to sneak something into an airport - pay the poor janitor with 1 eye and a club foot a few grand and some C4 mysteriously finds its way into a garbage can for terrorist pick up. (Yes I miss 24 and thus make up my own conspiracies.)
Anyway a man that closely resembles a human incarnation of a weasel was being pulled by his giant garbage can on wheels, while eye-ing the entire Florida A&M Rattlers Women's Basketball Team. Honestly it mad me quite uncomfortable and i wanted to throw up. Lucky for me, I happened to be eating a Popeye's Sausage Biscuit and thus my stomach was willing to oblige.
9:10 AM - The Florida A&M Rattlers coach decided to huddle her team up to have a nice little talk. I can only assume they lost the night before because despite their matching orange and green jumpsuits they had some sad faces on. The coach proceeded to have the rehearsed speech which I tuned out, but you could tell all the players weren't listening and were more concerned with who would be eating whose muff at 30,000 feet.
10:45 AM - My first flight takes me into Atlanta - where I have a brief 3 hour layover. I find a bathroom and immediately gifted with a present. What is this present you ask? A bit of blood in the urinal. I can't even begin to imagine how this happened - possibly spitting? a kidney stone? Nonetheless it had to have been done from long distance as airport urinals have automatic sensor flushes. This trip is going to be frightening.
12:40 PM - As I wait for the plane to board - I see an Elvis impersonator de-board from another plane. What makes this sighting unique was that he was not wearing any sort of regalia (like the sunglasses or suit). I could just tell that from his hair and his face that his profession was that of an Elvis impersonator. At what point inyour life do you decide you look so much like Elvis that you need to impersonate him? I say 3 years after college when your girlfriend just informs you she has the clap and she only likes "black cock," whatever that means.
1:15 PM - I board my plane to Austin and find out that I have the very last row on the plane. I will later find out that this portion of the plane is so loud, it sounds like the plane is about to fall out of the sky after we pass Alabama. (I would rather die than crash land in Alabama. Then again, I guess most people die from a plane crash anyway, so. I guess Cletus and his sister/wife won't be able to suck the life blood out of me.)
What I notice before take off is that a good 80% of the plane are indie hipsters (most likely from Brooklyn). This leads me to wonder why they didn't just teleport. Wait...you are telling me they don't have their own teleport? Less hip than I thought. The worst part of the hipster clan was that a good portion of them were about....50 or above (the biggest assholes in the industry). At a certain point, just give up on the "indie" look, you can't pull it off anymore. (No, not even you Elvis Costello.)
2:20 PM - The airplane is mid-air and people are starting to get comfortable. TOO comfortable. Two "music industry vets" decided to stand up and just mull through the airplane talking to people. I'm glad he is so sociable (especially since he had a notable prison tattoo) but do you really need to clog the one aisle in the airplane and stand with your arms outstretched against the overhead cabin? This man was very reminiscent of a "jersey guy" or the guy who runs Murder Inc records. Needless to say I hate him.
In my neck of the woods - we are almost quarantined from the rest of plane by the stewardess station. My section is all male - except for two girls sitting in front of me. It is at this point that they reveal themselves to be lesbians - by french kissing (this is like middle school fantasies come true) openly. The reaction to all this is the sound of jaws dropping (remember there are 20 coked up males whose pants are too tight.) I didn't search for the erections, but I'm sure they were there.
Speaking of coke - how do all these terrible people get coke to Austin? They can't take them on a flight - do they mail it to themselves beforehand? This would seem like a lot of work (and ingenuity) for a cokehead. If this is the case, then I'm impressed.
The final person of interest on this flight is a 40 something woman who looks uptight. Ok so maybe im judging a book by its cover, but then she proceeds to pull out a doctors surgical mask....Something you know, someone would wear to ensure they arent breathing in a toxic gas. This makes me curious - does she know something I don't know? Someone should rip it off her, we all breathe the same air on this flight dear.
3:15 PM - The flight lands and I proceed to wait 20 minutes while the whole rest of the plane unloads. I pick up my laptop and realize it has gum on it. It didn't have gum on it before...thus someone in front of me (THE FUCKING LESBIANS) stuck gum under the seat. From there it proceeds to be a slapstick scene from a movie - where the gum gets on my pants, my headphones, my iPod. I hate hipsters. (It took 2 hours to get all the gum completely off.)
5:15 PM - I have my first meeting and a co-worker decides that we can walk. She doesn't realize that this meeting is nearly 3 miles away. Let's just say by the end of tonight I'm gonna have some chaffing issues.
5:45 PM - I realize that I have a bug bite on my left arm. Being from NJ, I immediately think Tick Bite. As much as I want Lyme's disease, a busy week in Austin doesn't seem like just the right time to get it. So I decide to call urgent care places to see if they can take me. One claims they will need my SSN before they can make an appointment, so I give it to them (it's a doctor right? It'll be ok...Yes i fully expect to see several high end prostitute purchases in Austin to show up on my Credit card bill.) They decide they can't take me anyway, before they told me this they asked me what a "tick" was. The doctors in Austin are really smart.
6:15 PM - I make a visit to the local ER. I first hit the wrong section of the hospital, but I ask a kind security guard where the ER entrance is. He doesn't know.
I think: "So you are a security guard that doesn't know where the MAIN ENTRANCE is?"
He thinks: "Man I wonder where I can get some fine pussy"
I lurk around the complex until I find a small alcove with 5 parking spots - the sign overhead says Emergency Room. I think and hope this is Doctor's parking. So i cut through and make my way up a huge hill. Once i get to the top of the hill the ER entrance stairs me in the face. Construction is being done on half the door and I don't know if it was the sun or the Lyme's coursing through my veins, but I swear that this looked deserted. However, a quick glance to the right will show me a helicopter landing pad (with fully functional helicopter blades!!!) within 10 feet. Why do i feel like thats not the safest place for a helicopter to be parked.
Once I get in the real terror starts. I walk in and the desk is all the way through the lobby. Thus I encounter a bunch of people wearing the masks again (28 days later anyone?) and several receptionists twiddling their thumbs. I wait for about 3 minutes without being looked at and then I hear a moaning sound. I turn around to see a man in a wheelchair (and hospital gown) rolling himself around (while half passed out) and trying to pull the IV from his arm. He moans " I need a new bag." The receptionist mutters "Sir don't touch that."
Another patient says "there is nothing in his IV bag, the blood is backing up." The story splits here. My eyes go to his arm and slowly follows the blood climbing up the IV line INTO the bag. Yes blood was going in reverse into the bag. Slightly gross. At the same time my ears listen to the nurse say "huh? What do you mean its empty?" After the 5 seconds of shock wear off a loud crash comes from the other side of the room. I turn to see a drunk man passed out on a chair, wh had just dropped a gallon of gatorade. It was slowly spilling everyone and the only one who seemed concerned was the hobo sitting next to him, who didnt want orange gatorade on his shoes.
If you don't think this is a horror movie in waiting you are kidding yourself.
Needless to say, I left.
10:00 PM - After the 3 mile walk home I decide to unpack a bit (I am forced to sleep on a couch so unpacking is basically take my sleepwear out). Now remember when I told you to keep the security tid bit in mind...Well as I was unpacking I found a utility knife that i had used for several events in the past. The events wear event I had driven to, so subsequently the knife was left in my bag. It was in a small compartment in the front, so I didnt even see it when I was packing and BAM there is a knife that apparently passed through Airport security unnoticed.
Be thankful I am not a psycho and I like to sleep on flights. But if a knife in my bag can get through, can't anyone cant it through?
10:30 PM - I decide to look out the door of my hotel (it faces an inside lobby) to see where my co-worker was. Instead I am greeted with a see through elevator glance of the famous Isaac Hanson. OMG - this would've been huge news in 1999! Oh SXSW, you may be redeeming yourself after all. If washed up teen stars is what you give me, than consider me the happiest man alive!
Thursday Party Count: 0
Thursday Band Count: 0
Check back tomorrow for Day 2 and see if I slept with Isaac Hanson!
No comments:
Post a Comment