11 AM - Go to work at the Pizza place, work the worst shift possible (11 AM to 4 PM) and deal with a bunch of unruly customers that decided to be unruly for the sake of being unruly. How were they unruly you ask? Well, I made two deliveries to a school and in the combination of those two deliveries had to deal with:
1. Pizzas "slid" around in the box (confusing because the pizzas literally have no room to move in the box and I didn't flip them over and try to shake them like they do to your Blizzards at your local Dairy Queen establishment. So...yea).
2. Pizzas were late (even though my ticket said "DROP PIZZAS OFF AT 11:30" and I was there at 11:30 on the dot, I still had to hear "Oh good they are FINALLY here," as I thought to myself "oh good I hope they FINALLY cut your ovaries off from drinking semen.") What made this worse was the simple fact that the store opens at 11 and 15 pizzas dont get magically made in 20 minutes. They were lucky to get them that early.
3. Something weird about the price, the lady at my store claimed that we gave them a price that was too cheap, chastised us for it, even though the order was placed the day before and none of us were there, and wrote in bold letters on the new order THIS IS FOR A CHURCH. I was told to tell them about the price difference when I went back (I was very excited at this opportunity, because clearly they were not nit picking anything.)It turns out that the SCHOOL I was delivering to was a school and not a CHURCH and the first price was right, so I had to deal with them giving me less money than my ticket said and not being sure that it was gonna work out when it came time to cash out.
4. When I went to the school each time, they took my copy of the receipt (they don't get a copy unless they request one before hand, which they did not) then called the store to claim they didnt get a receipt and then when I asked them about it in person, they didn't know what I was talking about.
5. The second time I went, the pizzas were not marked on the outside AND were cut into the wrong number of slices even though we had a clear discussion at the store about the correct number of slices. "THIS IS IN 16th's NOT 8th's." Even though it was actually in 12ths, school events = good math!.
Later on, I got to drive back to a house after delivering wings because I did not put a packet of ranch in the bag and of course these trailers dont have refrigeration and are unable to keep ranch dressing of their own.
I also got to go on a delivery where I was greeted by a woman wearing a half mask and a tracheotomy tube. She spoke normally, but invited me in and explained why she wasnt giving me a good tip (the holidays). Funny, I would've gone with the economy or the tube in your throat. By the time I got back to the store, she had called to say that the pizzas looked horrible and she wanted another one (but instead of getting 2 Large again, she got 1 medium), I took it back had to deal with her throat hole blinking at me and departed to go to job number 2 to prepare for our office Xmas party.
4 PM - Xmas party setup.
The joyous part of doing manual hotel labor is that people like to have company Xmas parties on weekends in December to ensure that you do not get a vacation. Also joyous, was the fact that we had OUR company Xmas party and I had to setup (and later on, clean) for it. If you are wondering how this ranks on the shitty scale, I would say about an 8.5. It goes like this "Hey we got this free meal for you, BUT you are gonna have to prepare the meal and then clean all of your own and all of your co-worker's dishes, but Merry Christmas!" Honestly, I would rather belly slide down a gravel hill, but that's the way the Christmas party shitacular crumbles.
Also fun to note that I have some how had to work 3 out of 7 weekends (instead of 3 out of 9) and it's ALWAYS my weekends that are busy, I would say 1 out of the other 4 weekends were busy, and my weekends (when I'm the only one who works) are filled with doing fun things like collecting 65 easels and cleaning up over 1000 ft of cable for a party for my co workers. Good times!
5:30 - I had to return home to get ready for the party and I will skip the rest of this part for fear of real life consequences. Just know that I thought I actually resembled a young, slightly overweightish Brad Pitt (but not really Brad Pitt, I just thought I looked reasonably fuckable). I also killed it on the comedy scale, but this was aided by an open bar for my co workers and a sheer awkwardness that would make even the stalwart Tim McGraw on Saturday Night Live cringe (if you missed his appearance a few weeks ago, be aware that there is a HUGE reason he always wears a cowboy hat that may or may not be related to Brokeback Mountain.)
9 PM - Going out.
My dear friend Ryan Boyd was on some sort of fanatical soul searching/looking for prostitutes road trip with his friend who wants to be a cop in DC (high crime rates be damned!). He invited me to McCouls, which I went to reluctantly, but went because the Xmas party blew. I arrived and was immediately shaken because I couldn't find him and when I did, he was eating at a table that had no available chairs, also I wasn't aware this was a dinner function. Stay calm Kelson, stay calm.
I chatted Ryan up a bit, made some homosexual gestures to get him to feel just a little uncomfortable and settled into a comedic grove that can only be described as heroin era Chris Farley. (Apparently regaling people with stories from my blog is a good ice breaker, also loud shouts at inappropriate times and looking attractive enough to make women not want to instantly vomit their Irish Car Bombs up.) I realized that I kind of/sort of knew everyone there.
There was Ryan (roommate of my ex girlfriend), Jenn (friend of my ex girlfriend), Casey (ex girlfriend of a kid I knew 4 years ago, Kelsey (I once sang her a bedtime song 3 years ago and then we had an art class), Bethany (ex girlfriend of Ryan) and Kiersten (friend of Ryan who I had previously met.) Aside from telling my stories, like an Nam vet reliving the war, I showcased the endless possibilities of my iPhone (again I will be writing a 10,000 word essay on why this phone is awesome), played gay porn hunt and preceded to bring a round of merriment to all involved, which is kind of like Satan chaperoning girl scouts on his day off (doesn't happen often, mostly because Satan works so hard).
I also fell in love with the bartender, which some people might find normal considering my pension for brunettes, but this brunette was different. He had a beard. And an emo swoop. Oh, be still my heart, he was controlling the music all night and his iPod was basically a mirror of mine. I dreamed out loud that I hoped he liked me and then I told him I didn't drink when he started taking orders and he said do you want a coke, its on the house? (I said no, trying to play coy). Later, I went up to the bar, asked for a coke and it WAS on the house (OMG HE LIKES ME). I gave him a $3 tip and decided that I needed him in my band, when I asked if he played he said he used to and that he used to play metal. GAH! So close, I told him his iPod rocked and he told me it rocked like high school and I might have screamed that I love high school and at this point he probably thought I was lying about not drinking or that I had a pension for Ecstasy. Either way, I did not see him the rest of the night.
I started to get tired, started seeing Ryan less and started taking pictures with girls. I tried a variety of poses - the "crawling on top of you, here's my nipple" pose, the "turkey double chin" pose, the "creepy passer by in the background" and the "bloated John Belushi after 6 oz of heroin, 12 Big Macs and no shaving period, period." pose.
I decided I needed to go home because I had to go wash my co workers dirty dishes at 6 am the next morning and I got home at 12.
Skip 5 hours and I finally get to sleep.
6 AM - Wake up, damning myself for going out and then realizing that I don't drink and that I half admire all of you who do this on a weekly basis. Then again, you don't have to clean the shit out of your co workers diapers (while your co workers presumably sleep till 2 pm) early the next morning.
The moral of the story is that I had fun and I would like to start hanging out with "people" in "bars" more in the "future." So please invite me, I promise I will make an undrunken scene and then write admiringly about you later on in this very blog! Win, win for all!
No comments:
Post a Comment