The Time I Hung Out With Britney Spears for One Hour and 30 Minutes of My LIfe and Then Immediately Wanted That Hour and 30 Minutes Back

By now, you should be well aware of my hatred for Ms. Britney Spears. Throughout my life she has been nothing but a burden (albeit a hysterical burden) and my seething hatred for this beast culminated on the night of the 08 VMA's when Britney Spears inexplicably won every award she was nominated for (this may or may not have included best new artist (reborn)). Britney TV would later go on to air a special to ensure that every American would love Britney again and of course I decided to numb my eyes and ears for awhile to live blog it. 

4:36 PM - The show opens with this "On the eve of the 2008 MTV VMA's Britney Spears "invited" a camera crew into her life (this is code for MTV threatned that she would never be a star again, unless she let them film her crazy). 

The film you're about to see (blow your brains out to) was captured over the next 60 days that followed. No topic was off limits (except drugs, sex, Kevin Federline, Justin Timberlake, Shaving Her Head and the 2 or 3 children she had). No question went unanswered (because the answers are edited out). 

4:39 PM - Mondrian Hotel - Britney looks out over a window in her $1500/night hotel room, feel bad for her people! SHES CRAZY. 

4:40 PM - Britney lets us know that she doesn't want people to think she's crazy, there have been some misconceptions (we WERE NOT supposed to take the head shaving thing the way we did). 

BRITNEY FOR THE RECORD (AKA one long infomercial for her new album). 

4:41 - Britney's Dad apparently lives with her and makes her grits, he explains what grits are and proceeds to wear a wifebeater and sunglasses inside around his neck. Britney loves the grits. 

4:42 - Britney prepares for her big night of her forced comeback. Britney doesn't believe this is a comeback, because she never really went away, except for those last 5 years where she didn't have a hit record. 

4:44 - Britney's trust has been battered and shes grown up "big time". Well you ARE 27, welcome to the real world. AT this point the gritty documentary shows how Britney is nervous before her big night, in her dressing room with 20 assistants taking care of her every whim. 

4:46 - She admits she's lonely and that why she let strange people run her life and she wants it to end, because shes been paying for it for too long....Millions of dollars and a year a later she thinks its been too long. I hope someone knocks her back down to reality, maybe stick her in a trailer in Louisiana. She'll learn. I swear she will. 

4:48 - Britney tries out dancers for her new tour or video or something. What this really is, is a try out for a new husband. 

4:49 - Britney has good days AND bad days. (MTV SAYS SHES JUST LIKE US). 

4:50 - Holy shit she said the word Justin. She admits that when she got dumped she had no idea what do, but to be fair I'd feel the same way if a white man with corn rows dumped me. Holy shit, she just said Kevin (MTV PUSHING BOUNDARIES). She didn't take that breakup well (I was unaware of that). 

Nothing is really happening at the moment and I already want to turn this drivel off. I have realized that Britney kinda has fat arms (its tougher to airbrush video than photos). 

4:53 - Britney got married for the wrong reasons (cock) and it lead her on a "weird path." She never got to see him. Wouldn't that be a good thing?

4:54 - Britney apparently recorded her entire album in like a week in September, 2 months before the cd comes out. Real musicians spend 2 years writing and recording an album. (MTV SAYS BRITNEY IS A REAL ARTIST). 

4:56 - Oh god, shes talking about the shaved head scenario. She claims that everyone shaves their head and that its no ones business but the crack reporter interviewing her decides not to ask the obvious follow up question (then why did you shave your head at a public hair salon and give the paparazzi a face that will forever be compared to batboy.)

4:59 - Dancing is spirtual for Britney and Britney needs to learn to make herself happy (soundtrack provided by Four Tet) and it's getting real heavy in here with this techno/piano backbeat. 

5:01 - Britney calls herself an artist. No joke necessary. 

I'm skipping the commercials for blog sake but we are 25 minutes of content in and on the 5th commercial break. Have I mentinoned I hate MTV? If you are wondering if I'm in fact supporting MTV by blogging and DVR-ing this show, I am not. I took the liberties of downloading this program as illegaly as possible to ensure MTV would get no money at all. 

5:04 - Britney can't go anywhere y'all! (MTV SAYS: FEEL BAD FOR BRITNEY SHE MAKES MILLIONS BUT SHE CANT WALK DOWN STREET TO SPEND SAID MILLIONS. SHE CAN NOT INTERNET SHOP BECAUSE SHE IS UNAWARE OF SAID INTERNET). 

5:05 - Britney tries out her new fragrance but gives a smelly face while saying "I like it."

5:06 - Britney is stalked by paparazzi and this is actually a little frightening how many there are. Sidebar: Who in their right, moral mind would become a paparazzi photog? "Hey, I know, I'll stalk people for a living, make them fear for their lives, battle 50 other people doing the same exact thing and maybe get paid $1000 for the picture." This session concludes with an angry black man yelling at Britney's people for not letting him take a picture of her. 

5:09 - Interviewer calls Britney a victim but she claims she is not and then he says "oh I didn't mean that, I meant you are stronger than that." A million dollars said this interviewer is her father. 

5:11 - Britney goes shopping and apparently doesnt remember her wardrobe at home. Britney then proclaims that she will retire and be a lawyer. (MTV SAYS: LOOK AT THIS FUN, SHOPPING BRITNEY. SHE SHOPS LIKE YOU EXCEPT WITH MORE ZEROS IN HER BANK ACCOUNT.)

5:14- Britney enjoys a night at the theatre. Followed by 100 of her closest friends with cameras. Sometimes she just likes to be spontaneous y'all. 

5:16 - Britney was a "cool chick," back in the day but the paparazzi took that all away from her. SIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. She likes going out but she cant stay too long because its not real!

5:17 - Britney films Womanizer with her father looking on (this time sporting TWO pairs of sunglasses inside, and around his neck.) He calls his daugther a hooker. She would later prove this true by stripping down naked in front of him and writhing around in a bathroom naked for the video.

5:18 - Britney starts cracking jokes and her assistants are forced into uncontrollable laughter. (MTV SAYS: BRITNEY IS SO FUNNY SHE SHOULD STAR ON THE CHAPPELLE SHOW OR BLUE COLLAR COMEDY, MTV IS NOT SURE WHICH.)

5:21 - Britney sleeps in. Sometimes she has a hard time waking up. "How you deal and cope? I Just cope everyday." She is afraid her happiness will be taking away, once and for all proving she is a pop construct that could be filled by anyone with a vagina Double D's and blond hair (Jessica Simpson). 

5:22 - Britney starts to cry. "I'm sad." Everyday is like groundhog day and she can't do what she wants. Apparently Britney is 12 inside after blowing her early 20's on her own snorting cocaine thrown 12 foot golden straws and blowing Kevin Federline on a bi monthly basis. 

5:25 - Britney is bordering on saying that she hates her children and hated going home to them. They'll look back on this someday and learn to hate their mother, just like Uncle Kelson. Speaking of her children, they haven't made an appearance yet and we are at Day 49 of 60. Did she just abandon them for 2 months?

5:28 - Madonna gets interviewed. I am so bored right now, I've started updating my resume to see if I can become a pop star. Would I like good with frosted tips? Check yes___ or no___. 

5:30 - Apparently Madonna fake plays guitar at her concerts. This is an interesting subplot. 

5:31 - Britney dresses up as ???? for Halloween, Elvira maybe? Britney claims its someone named Veronia Newbeach. I think its an alter ego. Less than a minute later Daddy Spears comes up to the side door in a scary as shit, I'm gonna rape you Clown Mask and belly bearing referee jersey. Needless to say, he scares the children and Britney finds it HILARIOUS. (MTV SAYS: WE WILL CREATE A MOTHER OF THE YEAR AWARD AT THE VMAS NEXT YEAR JUST SO BRITNEY CAN WIN.)

5:34 - Britney chooses to be a happy person, strange because 20 minutes ago she hated herself and her kids. 

5:35 - Britney gets silly again kids. She's filming a video for "Circus" and playing around with hairspray (what she isn't saying is that she is very familiar with hairspray, not applying it to her head though, just huffing it. 

5:37 - Britney nods her head like a crazy person to try to convince us she's ok. They are starting to wrap this up by saying how strong Britney is and how shes BACK. She ends her segment by saying she goes through life like a karate kid. SHES SO FUNNY. Let's check in with MTV for the last word. 

MTV SAYS: BRITNEY USED TO BE YOUR HERO 10 YEARS AGO KIDS, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? WELL OUR RATINGS OUR SAGGING AFTER THE LAST THREE INFERNO'S ENDED IN SOME UNTIMELY AND UNFORTUNATE DEATHS, SO NOW BRITNEY IS BACK AND MTV WILL ONCE AGAIN BE A MUSIC CHANNEL (FOR BRITNEY). OUR NEW WINTER LINEUP WILL INCLUDE HER TWO NEW VIDEOS EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR BACK TO BACK, AS WELL AS DAILY AIRINGS OF BRITNEY FOR THE RECORD (TO PROVE EVERYDAY HOW NORMAL SHE REALLY IS). YOU LOVE BRITNEY, WE LOVE BRITNEY, PLEASE WATCH US AGAIN.