That thought process was incorrect. Absolutely incorrect. I was not, nor will I ever be, ready to attempt to masturbate to a girl on her back, legs akimbo, shooting urine out of her vagina (I know the urine doesn't ACTUALLY come out of the vagina, but as a 23 year old, I'm still very unclear as to how that entire region works.) So for simplicity any sort of colored fluid coming out of any nether region is kind of disgusting. I will never forget sitting in the gas station next to the 7-Eleven in Somerville, NJ trying not to vomit as the magazine was pressed against the wheel and pee was seemingly flying at my face. Not good times.
My next awkward porn experience (not including several trips to Hooters, but those are chronicled here) came when I purchased a 13" combo TV from a black lesbian who may or may not have dealt drugs. I bought the TV for $20 and it had a huge burn on the front of it from "incense." I did not ask questions I wanted a 4th televison for my 1 bedroom apartment. Anyway, the TV contained a ...sexually explicit film from "DJ Yellow." (The tape was yellow too! Clever marketing wins again!) It was basically a hardcore black porn mixtape, with a cast of amateurs that made the actors in Four Christmases all seem like the venerable Ben Affleck. It was disgusting.
Ironically, it wasn't disgusting enough to NOT watch. My roommate found the same gross pleasure in watching obese black woman go down on unfathomable black penises while cameraman were clearly visible in the shot because of all the mirrors in these classy hotel rooms. We saw a lot of things we can never un-see (a pierced clitoris anyone?) and as a result of that, wanted to make sure that everyone that ever came over to our apartment would be made uncomfortable and eventually wanted to pour salt in their eyes.
The tape would subtly pop on during parties and guests would be confused as to why there were 2 televisions and watch for about 15 seconds before they realized what they were witnessing. Then Scott and I would hide the remote and cackle hysterically as different reactions turned up from our friends. Most of them were disgusted, a few found it funny and all immediately wanted it turned off.
Eventually the tape disappeared when a certain 3rd roommate took (and theoretically burned) the tape because his parents were coming and he could not bear the slight chance they decided to turn on our piece of shit TV and hit the play button on the VCR. That brings me to this weekend. For years, the internet has provided me with endless amounts of free porn but on Friday night I bought my first real porn tape.
I was sitting on my couch after a stressful night at work and I was bored. So bored that I started flipping through the "On Demand" channels on the cable box. Now it gets confusing because some of them are pay channels and some like "HD Showcase" are free and let's be honest I'll watch anything in HD (some might even argue you haven't lived until you've seen a meerkat give birth on National Geographic channel). I eventually arrived at the Adult on Demand and the idea of HD porn intrigued me to no end.
I clicked to see if there was any free porn and there was. A preview for all the different adult shows on that channel and apparently there are a TON of adult reality shows. I'm pretty sure there was one where a whore would go to an office and just fuck all the men, I'm not sure how this is NOT rape, but it's Adult on Demand, anything goes. There were several other short trailers that I can't remember and then I started to leaf through the channels within the channel. Amateur, MILFs, Large Black Cocks (it was really quite a smorgasbord of porn, tastefully done of course.) I clicked to the Amateurs section and was appalled by the selection until I came across a name I remembered from my youth, Briana Banks.
Now, I'm definitely not a porn connisseur (remember first porn I've ever bought), but through the internet and my listenership of Howard Stern I knew that Ms. Banks brought the goods. She was a real class act. There was a button at the bottom that side buy and I didn't really want to but for some reason I hate "B" to see what happened (I'm not sure of my though process here, buy it or don't buy it, there is no 3rd option). Magically it bought the movie and started loading, I immediately felt a pang of regret because I wasn't even in the mood for masturbating.
The regret got much deeper when I saw the price that will now appear on my next cable bill. I hope it read likes this:
Briana Banks Goes Amateur or Something
Purchased at 1 AM (By a lonely man).
COST: $10.99.
What made it even worse was that it was only available for a day or something. So I basically had to watch it then and there, and away I went. As soon as the video started I felt more regret as this wasn't HD at all. Even worse, apparently amateur doesn't mean, "young starlets in their first films", it means "hey we fucking shot this with a webcam glued to the side of Briana Banks' thigh, have fun watching balls slap assholes for the next hour."
And that's really all it was, balls and assholes for an hour. I fast forwarded the entire movie hoping to find one scene to masterbate to. However I came up empty and was forced to watch Briana Banks and 3 other terribly ugly girls get ass raped by 2 different guys in weird locations like a warehouse, a bed in the middle of a warehouse, a desk in the dungeon from Saw. I saw all of this in 4x speed because my cable box wouldn't let fast forward any faster.
So, if you happen to be interested in dating me and want to know my sexual interest, lets wrap this up:
No balls in assholes
No peeing AT or ON me.
No pierced Clitorii
No large black dicks.
I will never buy porn in any form ever again, mark my words.
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