So in my never ending quest to find adventure and disappointment my buddy Scott and I got tickets to see our favorite NFL team play their final home game - the Miami Dolphins. The 2007 Miami Dolphins will be known as one of the worst 5 teams of all time. Ever. Even though we bought the tickets months beforehand we decided to continue to Miami for no other purpose than to document the trip.
Below is a detailed account of our trip and how shitty Miami really is (Hint: REAL shitty)
NOTE: This post is REALLY REALLY LONG (8500 words long), but it's broken down into days. So it'll be easy to come back to. Please come back.
Dec. 27 - Scott Arrives in NC from NJ
Scott arrives in North Carolina. I know what you are thinking, "you took 2 days to drive to Miami for a 2 day vacation?" The answer is yes. dear lord yes. One of us (not me) is afraid to fly and thus the road trip began.
When Scott arrived in NC we played about 20 hours of Xbox 360 consecutively (give or take 15 hours) before realizing that this is a road trip and we need to get our "party" on. We decided the best way to do this was to see Juno.
Juno was UPROARIOUS. It was good, not the best movie ever, (but good enough for me to see it a second time a few weeks later). The theme is that if you get a girl pregnant in high school, she'll become really witty and cute and probably fall in love with you (but not until you profess your love to her 6 months after she takes your V card and 3 months before your bastard child is born). I now regret every year of high school that I didn't get a girl pregnant (48 months of high school/9 months per child birth = 5.3 girls that could've loved me. Yes I realize I don't have to wait 9 months to get a second girl pregnant, but I have to be fair to the girl I already impregnated before moving on.)
SPOILER ALERT (Dont Read I'm about to Spoil the Movie) - In the end Juno doesn't even have to keep the baby, so EVERYONE wins. Lets recap:
- Have sex (good)
- Make girl pregnant (bad)
- Girl becomes witty and funny and cute (good)
- You profess love to girl, she rejects (bad)
- Girl realizes mistake, professes love to you (good)
- Girl gives birth, while you run track meet (good, no witness to blood)
- Girl gives up baby (good)
- You have sex with girl forever, while maybe playing some sweet guitar riffs together (good)
By my count thats 6 goods to 2 bads. Conclusion - pregnancy may be the best thing ever.
END SPOILER ALERT
While at the movie theater, Scott and I agreed to play the TJ Maxx game, which in short is named after the women's clothing store, where only women shop. The TJ Maxx game is when you and your buddies just count every women you'd do, based solely on looks. My mother would be so proud. Every guy plays this game, but now it has an obscure name that can be said in public without fear of glaring (I have a feeling the "I Would So Fuck You" game wouldn't go over great).
Anyway, Scott was able to wrangle about 4 in our short outing, while I was able to ogle 3.
We went home played more Xbox and prepared for our big journey. Fin.
December 28, 2007 - Scott and Kelson motor down to Charlotte. Meet with RJ.
So, after buying the Miami tickets we decided to make a real road trip out of this and see what we could do along the way. Regretfully the activities we found were only 2 hours from my house, and 12 from Miami. Not so smart. Scott and I awoke and got ready to pack my sweet hybrid for the journey (2000 miles and gas only cost a total of $120, (I spent the extra cash on hookers!!)). I discovered that apparently Scott was either a) moving in with me or b) a woman, because he packed every single article of clothing he owned. Literally. (His duffel bag easily could've fit 8 into plus a few midget cadavers).
Somehow we managed to fit it AND his other bag in the back of my car and we were off. Scott is a proponent of Sirius satellite radio and with good reason, it's great for road trips so you don't have to keep flipping stations when you reach a new city. However, the problem is that I don't have an antenna in my car and while the receiver has a small antenna, it doesn't get great reception. Scott spent 15 minutes slightly altering the angle of the radio on the dashboard so that we could get a signal for more than 4 minutes at a time. This was the start of our journey and we were happy with the 4:1 static ratio. Good times.
We arrived in Charlotte to visit RJ. Somehow it managed to be sunny on my side of the state and completely shitty on RJ's side. However, we battled through the rain and went to 5 brothers with RJ and his mom. I had made myself some hot dogs for breakfast (bad idea) and once at 5 brothers decided to get another hot dog, this time with cheese and bacon (really bad idea, especially considering I have a heard time going #2 in bathrooms that aren't my own).
After 5 brothers, Scott had gotten us all tickets to go see the Bodies exhibit that is all the rage around the country. Scott is very interested in the human body and sexuality and I, not so much. Thus, I pretended that the bodies weren't real. I wasn't allowed to take pictures and I'm afraid if I speak ill of the exhibit someone will use my body as a "fat example" but nonetheless I will. I was bored, stiff. (eh eh?)
They only let you go in at certain times - they stagger groups by about 5 minutes, however, no one manages the groups, thus we were forced to wait outside, but once we went in we were IMMEDIATELY stuck in a line behind at least 30 people to see a foot. Does this make any sense, if you are gonna stagger times, make sure they are at least relevant, for all they know someone who had a time at 8 AM could still be drooling over testicles in the front hall.
I am already unhappy.
The rest of the exhibit (it took 2 hours to meander through) went by with the speed of Roger Clemens' testicle ascension (very slow). I'd rather have had my temporal love (I learn something!) cut open with a rusty steak knife. It was just one big blur of preserved testicles, calf muscles and gross internal organs that really looked like nothing.
Two things did stand out - First, the ripped a mans face off and had it spread out on the sides of his head so you could see what the inside muscles look like - its a horrifying image that will never escape my mind. I fear this is the image I will see when the grim reaper comes to claim me. Secondly, they had a "pregnancy section" (theme?) and had babies preserved at certain stages of birth. Bodies claims that all of these bodies were real and preserved, but what mother to be was like - "oh I'm 8 months pregnant ....yeahhhhh go ahead and take this child out of me and kill it and put it on display so I always regret my decision. Thanks."? It's like the worst abortion ever. Now that I think about it, I'm halfway surprised there were no Christian nuts protesting this.
The only thing that kept me going was RJ being as intrigued as I was, oh and the fact that I'm pretty sure they could make a horror movie where these things come to life and attack whatever museum they are in and it would be the scariest thing ever. I pitched this movie to RJ in about 7 different versions before he told me to shut the fuck up. Seriously though, that would make more money than Saw.
After the exhibit we had time to kill before the Bobcats (Rj+Me) vs the Hornets (Scott) game so I asked if we get go downstairs to see the modest aquarium. We did. However, I had to first endure some "jokes" from RJ's mother that had something to do with me being a child since I wanted to see the fish. It was nice.
The aquarium sucked so RJ's mom left us to forge into downtown Charlotte alone. With 3 hours to kill we first found the worst street fair ever. In honor of the "Meineke Car Care Bowl brought to you by Papa Johns.com, McDonalds, and Little Jimmy's of Ontario, CN" the good city of Charlotte shut down about 6 blocks of downtown to have a street festival. Nice idea right?
Well unfortunately for them it was raining, but that should be ok right, there are still fun things to do in the rain, heck going through a wet inflatable slide might rival the fun of an olympic luge. However, the city of Charlotte as well as fans playing in the bowl (Wake Forest and Connecticut) did not agree. So the festival was full of empty inflatables with a few kids riding here and there.
Ok so the games aren't fun, maybe some food or stores or something right? I believe there was one food cart and t-shirt truck. The food cart seemed to only sell pretzels (the vendor was probably shouting "who wants a soaking wet pretzel?" (I Do! I Do!)) and luckily the T-shirt truck was the place to be. I really wanted a UConn T-shirt (it would've helped out later, that story is coming) but I was too distracted by the main event.
REPLICA NASCAR ...CAR Y'ALL. WOW. This was exciting, the three of us are walking down the street playing the TJ Maxx game, at this point Scott is convinced he wont hit 100 for the WHOLE trip, when suddenly we are interrupted by a loud roaring noise. Fearing a lion attack I quickly jumped into a tree (lions arent great climbers, true story), when I got to the top I realized it was no lion, but a fucking nascar car revving its engine. Impossible to talk over and impossibly annoying. Needless to say we decided this wasn't a great time killer, so we preceeded to the arena.
Once there we visited the gift shop where RJ got me my Xmas present - a sweet Bobcats shirt that I wore the rest of the day. We realized we still had two hours to tip off, an hour till the gate opened, so we found a Dunkin Donuts (of which I had not tasted in nearly 6 months) and sat down. However, this DD didn't have Vanilla Chai, which I would marry if it had a place to put a ring (or if it didnt always burn me, but thats what women do I suppose).
We killed an hour in the DD staring at people and playing TJ Maxx (both around the mid 20s at this point). 10 minutes before the gates open we got in line and found out it was free knit cap night! However once inside I realized the hat said "Bud Light" on the back and would never wear it. Scott tried the hat on and it was way too small for his pumpkin head and RJ's fit just right. (We then found a small black box theatre to perform this version of Goldie Locks and the 3 Bears. It went well, thanks for asking.)
The game was great, and by great I mean we were 5 rows from the top of the arena and the Bobcats lost. However, there really isn't a bad seat in this building, so the view was great. During the pregame, Scott bore witness to his future wife, a "LadyCat" dance team member. We were stunned by her beauty. Unfortunately when we got back to our seats to look her up in the program we couldn't tell which white trash dancer she was. Apparently "bleach blonde" is popular in the LadyCats locker room.
The only entertainment outside of the game was from the massive amounts of UConn fans that were in the building, some sort of package deal with the "Joe's Pizza Bowl" game. Apparently UConn fans had pregamed about a day too early and starting UConn chants at this NBA game. Very annoying, especially considering that the chant was one side going "UConn" and the other side going "Huskies." Call and response, very clever, and definitely no one has ever used it in a chant. Congratulations douchebags.
Even worse we had a rowdy section of UConn fans to rows in front of us. They had friends about 3 rows behind them and to their left that constantly taunted and made jokes with. All fun and games, unless you consider the 3 rows in between them contained a bunch of families that I'll go ahead and guess didn't appreciate "the drunk stand up guy" reeking of booze and yelling "YOU FUCKING SUCK" and giving the finger to his buddies. Great show of class for the school.
"Drunk stand up guy" became so entertaining that we decided to do a small bet and game around him. With about 30 minutes to go in the game we made a bet to see how many more times he would stand up before the game ended. We set the over/under at 10. Scott took the under, RJ and I, the over.
"Drunk stand up guy" almost instantly stood up and I was sure we would win. However, with this original stand up he left to go get more beer, thus wasting an excellent 15 minutes of game time. When it was all said and done drunk stand up guy had about 8 stand ups with a minute to go in the game. RJ and I knew he would stand up to leave (making 9), so we needed a way to make him stand up before that. We concocted a plan to yell "UConn sucks" (which would assuredly make him AND his buddies stand up) and then realized that wasn't the best idea. So we lost.
After the game as we piled out the stadium and back through downtown to our car, we were nearly killed by a man and the girl that was riding him. She was draped on his back and he was holding an umbrella over both of them, as he started to pass Scott he didnt say "Hey watch out I'm coming through" or "Excuse me.' Instead these are the words that passed his lips (he was a UConn fan, sooo that will tell you what tone they were said with) "WATCH OUT, IM GONNA POKE YOU IN THE EYE WITH THIS (shows umbrella)."
It was at this point that I decided I wanted to fight somebody, preferably him. 3 of us, 1 of him and then we could rescue the damsel and let Scott have her as a play thing. As we got closer to the car I found more people we could pick a fight with, before Scott and RJ decided I was crazy. (Remember I don't drink, so no I wasn't drunk). I think it was the combination of the aura of the road trip, the amount of girls we compiled for the TJ Maxx game (Scott around 70, me around 50), and the great feeling that being a fan of a losing basketball team gives you.
We went on our way home (But not before I made an illegal left turn into oncoming traffic) and stopped at a cook out near RJ's house. This cook out was special because it wasn't just a drive thru, it had an actual dining area. However, it was plastered in wood paneling and other "Hick Screaming" items like dead birds, so we stayed in the car. (For those of you who read this that do not live in the south, Cook Out is a fast food burger place that makes the best milkshakes (30 different kinds) and burgers. It is for me what Starbucks (or Ativan) is for Britney Spears.
Thus concludes day 2 of the road trip. Wow, this is really long. Let's keep it going.
December 29, 2007 - Scott and Kelson drive from Charlotte to Miami - est. time driving - 11 hours.
Scott and I woke up relatively early (for Scott) at around 9 so that we could leave by 10 am. We said our goodbyes to the Kraft family and headed out, but first made a stop at a glorious Food Lion. Where i discovered my hoodie (my only long sleeve attire) was too wet to wear. Scott needed to get nailclippers and I needed toothpaste (afterwards we braided each others hair) and we finally got on the road.
The ole' Sirius decided to actually start working without the aide of an adjustment every 5 seconds but we soon realized that the battery power would last about... an 1/8 of the trip. So we switched it up to terrestrial radio. We made our first stop somewhere in South Carolina before we got on 95, we decided to stop at an Arby's that turned out to be a glorified bathroom. The bathroom at the attached mini mart was beyond gross, and as we got in line for Arby's we decided that Arby's employees had to wash their hands in that bathroom and that maybe we didnt like Arby's anymore. At this stop, we were eyed by at least 2 truckers. ( I knew I shouldn't have worn shorts, they show too much leg).
It was at this point we decided to keep track of the number of times we heard songs on the radio. Top 40 was all we could agree on since Scott actually likes it and I like to be up on my pop culture. The front runners that jumped out seemed to be Fergie, Alicia Keys and One Republic ( I silently prayed this would change, Scott, not so quietly sung along.)
Things were going smoothly until we hit traffic in bumfuck South Carolina, around no major city. We were stuck for a good 25 minutes (in which we went about 2 miles). When we got up to the "front" of the traffic we saw that it was all because of rubbernecking for an accident in the median, which in no way obstructed the road. Awesome.
We again got on our way, and finally got on 95 which heads straight into Miami (aka we had 700 more miles on one road). However, not even 2 hours later we were again stopped in the middle of bum fuck Georgia. Traffic went on for over an hour in which we went about 4 miles and when we got to the front there was NOTHING. People slowing down for merging it seemed, had caused the hour long traffic jam. At this point Scott brought up a good point, why can't everyone just go the same speed. In traffic, we are all stopped at like 4 mph, so what if everyone just speeds up 40 mph. Wouldn't that work? If we can all go the same speed at 4 mph, lets do 44 mph. (Remember there was no noticeable obstructions). I decide I hate traffic.
To pass the time we pick up a few more games (the Diabetes game and the License plate game). The diabetes game was only successfully played twice (sadly). The objective goes like this - I saw Scott's blood sugar is going to be above 250 at any given time after he eats. Scott then tests his blood sugar if its over 250 I win, if its under he wins. We tied in this game, before Scott decided he didn't like using his condition as a sounding board for a game ( I had no problem with it, I'm a good friend.)
The License plate game is a game you have probably all played, try to get all 50 states (GUAM IS NOT A STATE) on your road trip. We were able to recount all the basics we had seen (VA,NC, WV, SC, GA, MD) and in traffic we were able to pick up a bunch including (but not limited to) Florida, Indiana, North Dakota, and the MOTHER - ALASKA. We also saw DC and decided to count that as a state because the chances we find Hawaii are 1 trillion to 1. (Think about it why would a Hawaii plate be on the mainland - a college student or if someone had just moved here. If they just moved here, they have about a month window to get new plates for the state they live in. If they are a college student thats your best shot. But how many parents decide to pay thousands to fly their kid and ship the car over. Not many. So DC counts as Hawaii in our game).
As the traffic broke up I accidentally cut off a car that was hanging in my blind spot. The car (being really really cool) decided to speed up and pass me. The thing that made it hilarious was that it was a family and every single person in the car stared at us as they drove by, including the sad daughter in the back. At that moment, I wished I could cut them off so that they would need to brake and she would hit her head on the back windshield. Ah, the joys of a 12 hour road trip. It turned out that I passed them again, and again they sped up to pass me and stared me down me again. By this point Scott wanted to see them and pick a fight and I was nervous as hell that the family would decide to go all "House of 1,000 Corpses" on us.
We finally reached Florida around 7 PM and as soon as we got through Jacksonville we stopped to eat an Applebee's. (Note: Never stop in Jacksonville, I stopped there once to get gas and there were two rival gangs at either end of the gas station. I've never been sure I was gonna be murdered before, but that was as close as I hope I'll ever come.) So we sit down to eat and its packed, so it takes about 10 minutes for our waiter to come to us. Once he arrives I have to instantly stop myself from laughing as I CLEARLY notice he has a huge black eye where his right eye should be. Not once throughout the night did he bring it up (I suppose he wouldn't) but thinking back, that's has to be the weirdest circumstances ever.
As a server, you constantly return to a table and talk to customers and try to get them to like you. But the black eye does two things: 1) It automatically makes you look dumb and makes me, the guest, feel uncomfortable looking at you and 2) It lets me know you are a douche. If someone hated you enough to punch you right in the eye socket, you must suck. Even at Wal-Mart where you are still in front of people all day, its not so bad, because you only see your customer once. It must be terrible for a server because you know its on your face and they know its on your face and you have to talk to your customers without ever acknowledging it. Weird.
After dinner I briefly called the hotel because I wanted to make sure they wouldnt give our room away if we werent there by a certain time. I found out they would so we had to say "late arrival" and then I asked if we couldn't make it and had to stop before Miami if we would get a refund for the night (we were staying at the same hotel for 3 nights). Turns out not only would we NOT get a refund for that night, our rooms would be canceled for the next two nights. Sooo we decided it was Miami or bust. At 8 PM we left the Jacksonville area knowing we only had 350 miles to Miami!
I briefly gave Scott lessons in driving the Prius and we were on our way. We decided to listen to the Patriots-Giants game on Sirius to pass the time. We got about halfway through the game before the Sirius died and we were left with terrestrial radio again. (I think Alicia Keys and One Republic were both at about 5 by the end of the night). As we drew near to Miami (the 100 miles leading into Miami all looks exactly the same, strip mall, strip mall, strip club, porn store, palm trees, trailer trash, maybe one nice building) we decided to try to find the sports radio Miami station. However the station that plays our beloved Dolphins has less night range than ELON UNIVERSITY's station (which about 20 miles). The other sports station didn't start coming in till about 30 miles out. However this brought me to look up how large Elon's station really was and on WSOE's wikipedia page I found this:
Every weekday from 6pm to 10pm has a certain theme for specialty shows (as opposed to format shows, which are regulated on what they can play). Tuesday is Talk Tuesdays from 4pm to midnight, and listeners can tune into a variety of programs including The Big Show, which also airs from 9am to 10am on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
For those of you unaware, "The Big Show" is the show Scott, RJ(sometimes) and I ran in the 2006-2007 school year at Elon. Apparently it has been made so famous that it gets a mention on the wikipedia page. (Yes I am completely disregarding the fact that the show no longer airs and this page is out of date. WE ARE FAMOUS GODDAMIT!)
We finally arrived at the hotel around 1 AM (3 hours later than expected) and found our hotel had a "security guard" roaming around the outside of the building (he could have been a hobo just as easily). We parked, went to check in, accidentally interrupted the clerk's phone call (poor him) and tried to speak English to him ( I was this close to pulling out my conversational French, oui oui!) Finally we got our room, went upstairs, opened the door and realized that the AC was on (yeah!) but the room was still 85 (boo). We set it lower but it was still blowing lukewarm air, we called down to our favorite desk clerk and he said he would "work on it" and just "try it for tonight." So we did, but Scott was dripping sweat and required a cold shower before bed to ensure he wouldn't die in his sleep from over heating. Needless to say, our first impression of Miami was Grade A.
December 30, 2007 - The Dolphins game.
The game was at 1 PM and we wanted to tailgate so we woke up around 9ish - I got the Miami Herald to read first hand what Miami thought of the Dolphins and proceeded to watch a thrilling outside the lines on ESPN (Do we really need to celebrate the anniversary of the Columbian rugby team's plane going down and the team reverting to cannibalism to stay alive? I say no.)
We put our Dolphins jersey's on (me: Zach Thomas, Scott: Jason Allen) and headed to the stadium. It was less than a mile down the road but the exit off the interstate seemed to only offer stadium parking and we were looking to grab some tailgating items beforehand. Luckily we found a Denny's for food and a gas station for beer. (Note: The Denny's was surreal as we discovered we weren't outcasts for being Dolphins fans. EVERYONE was a Dolphins fan and their were pictures up everywhere. It may have been the only nice aspect of Miami).
As we pulled into the parking lot (parking= $25) we were directed to a spot with a ton of Bengals fans. However, the good news was that there a bunch of empty spaces behind us so we could throw the ole pigskin around. So Scott popped a few beers and we started tossing the ball, anticipating the game, and playing the TJ Maxx game (we are multi-taskers to say the least). About an hour before game time we headed into the stadium, but not before I reminded Scott that walking around with an open beer on public streets could lead to a fine. After pounding his 4th beer in 30 minutes we got into the stadium and instantly started taking pictures. It was quite the site for 2 life long Dolphins fans (if this was a movie I feel like a "The Fray" song would be playing here).
We found our seats right behind the goalposts in the lower section about 17 rows up (great seats). The only issue with the view was the bald man holding onto his last wisps of hair that were sloppily arranged into a ponytail that hit Scott's knee. We got up to look around the stadium and grab merch, I got a hat and program Scott got a small beer for only $8!! We returned to our seats to watch the practice and pregame warmups and continued to TJ Maxx. I won't bore you with the details of the game but the highlights came from a Ted Ginn TD and two late scores by John Beck! We lost in the football game but certainly made out like bandits in the TJ Maxx game. Scott eclipsed 100 and I was close behind around 90. We were also mesmerized by 3...ahem...ladies of the day...who happened to be showing all of their parts (excluding nipples) to the drunken boys around them. Gotta love Miami. One other bonus note, we actually go sunburned! I wont complain because we were dumb enough to forget sunscreen AND the temperature was 86 on December 30. That's 2 good things about Miami, my guess is we won't surpass 4 good things.
After the game we headed back to the hotel area of Miami (North Miami technically) and decided to get some snacks. This also gave us the first shot to explore the area, unsuprisingly it was alot like the rest of Miami (porn store, porn store, tattoo shop, ghetto, fast food). It took a goo 15 minutes to find a grocery store (Publix) so we went inside to grab some water and snack food and chill out in the room. As we go inside a woman in a car sees our Dolphins jerseys and shouts out at us and I turn around and ask "what?" and she says "You should pick a new team, Dolphins suck!" That's nice, in their own hometown, their fans get picked on. So we go in, get our stuff and go to check out, and what do you know the cashier goes "Did they win today?" and we said "No" and she replied "As you can tell, I'm not a Dolphins fan. I like Pittsburgh." To which I replied "They are losing." But I really thought "They are losing and you are a fat white woman working at a Publix in the ghetto of Miami. Who's really the loser here?"
As we exited we noticed a security guard outside the grocery store (I've never seen this before, I'm scared) and we are about 5 steps from our car when a kindly old Jew (he has a yarmulke, its ok) asked us if the Dolphins won. We replied no they hadn't but we didnt expect them to. He holds out his hand for us to shake...so we shake hands and sprint to the car. We took turns using the cigarette lighter to burn the skin off each other's right hand, but I think we may have gotten any germs off.
It was apparent that Dolphins fans in Miami were treated like lepers and I didn't like that, at all. We got back to the hotel (where we had switched rooms before the game) and basked in the (kind of) cool air. (Note: Another thing that sparked the room change was that Scott has woken up to find a spider dead, laying next to his pillow. We really hate Miami at this point.)
We sleep on and off while watching other football games and prepare for our first radio show. (Note: We are trying to do a new radio show for Click Radio. In this show we basically commentate on TV shows. For football we would commentate on the game and the commentators commentating on the game. We also did our own commentary for Girls Next Door on E! Look for these to hit the interweb soon.)
We wake around 7 pm and decide to order pizza, however we find it will take 2+ hours and so we decide to dive into the radio program. We spend the next 2 hours commentating, eat the pizza and then commentate some more. Most people find the need to "party" in a "hip" town like Miami, not us.
We eventually go to sleep.
December 31, 2007 - New Years Eve
We awake with absolutely nothing to do. So we decide to make the most of where we are and go to the beach. However, I have not brought any sort of beach towel and we are both burned without sunscreen. Needless to say our time at the beach was short lived (also a $5 fee to park there didn't help). The water wasn't bad after it originally froze my nipples solid. On the way back to the hotel we decided we needed to figure out what to do for new years. The options were small - a) go to Hooters or some type of bar, but probably Hooters B) See a movie - although there was nothing out we were dying to see or c) Kill ourselves.
B was my option as I had done this before and it certainly helped to ease the pain of a lonely new year in better than sitting alone in my room. Hooters seemed like a place where alot of people might hang out so we wouldn't be alone, but I've never been comfortable with Hooters, I probably feel bad for the girls and how they are required to dress. It's too much like a strip club without the nipples, just the top of the breasts.
So we decide to check out downtown Miami to see what the haps (happenings) were? As we pulled off we immediately came to a ghetto, but soon we got to the nice part of Miami and looked for a place to eat, perhaps a nice little cafe or a rave restaurant, who knows! The next thing we knew we were in the terminal for ocean cruises and we were getting stopped at a security checkpoint. We told the cop that we got lost and she was obviously laughing at us on the inside and told us how to get back to downtown, I then asked her if she could recommend any places to eat and she laughed some more, this time on the outside, before telling us that "Bayside" was good.
So we drove around for about another 15 minutes before we found Bayside and it turns out Bayside is an outdoor shopping mall. Yes we roadtrip to Miami to hang out at a shopping mall. Once inside we realize there is a Hooters right there so after much debate we decide yes we could go to Hooters for lunch and then come back for New Years. So we go into Hooters and discover that of the 10 or so waitresses working there only two qualified for the TJ Maxx game. (We had better percentages at a KFC in Georgia.) To make matters worse the food was only decent and our first waitress switched off of us for NO reason halfway through. It got us thinking did we stare at her too long? Did we say something? She was definitely still in the restaurant, she just decided she couldn't be around us I guess. That makes us feel good and thus, we decide we will not be spending New Years at Hooters.
WE spend the next hour trying to find South Beach - since we figure something must be going on there. We are right. Mistakenly we stumble upon that area (sadly there is no sign saying South Beach starts here) and realize that the whole area is blocked off, meaning the streets must be having a party that night. So we decide its Scott, Kelson and South Beach for New Years (At this point I just hope Scott (or a Tranny) will kiss me at Midnight. We head back to hotel to rest up because our plan is to drive home immediately after New Years (this doesn't happen). However, Scott needs to stop to get money and so we find the only Wachovia in town and of course it's the "non-white Wachovia" as Scott gets out to get cash a crazy lady in front of stops, gets out of her van, walks around to open the side door and helps her friend out. The friend is wearing a nurses uniform and as soon as shes out starts speaking tongues to no one, as the friend who helped her was no on the other side of the car. (Would you want your nurse speaking in tongues to no one? )
While home I read on PerezHilton.com that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are hosting a South Beach Party, so I start on a scavenger hunt to find what other celebrities are going to be hosting a party. I find that Maxim, Lil Wayne, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Bell and the cream of the crop Shannon Elizabeth, are all hosting parties. Apparently the public CAN get in to these for the low low price of $1500 (For Ashlee & Pete) all the way down to $75( Shannon Elizabeth). We realize that's probably too expensive - even for open bar and a slew of B-List celebs. So we decided to bar hop on South Beach and just kind of hang out on the street, that way we arent the losers sitting in the corner while Shannon Elizabeth offers us a BJ for $25 and a pack of smokes.
We take some naps, Scott goes to Hess where he is accosted by a large black man with AIDS that wants money for "AIDS meds" (Crack) and Scott not wanting the bum to touch him gives him all of his money ($5.) Scott proceeds to finish his 6 pack in the hours before we go out and we head for Miami at 9 PM. By the time we get to the South Beach area it's about 9:20 ish and the parking is a disaster. Worse than that, there are clubs everywhere and people are lined up and dressed to the T's, I was real close to having a seizure from all the stuff that was happening. I kept a running diary of the night and here it goes:
9:20 - We arrive and find no parking. While searching for parking the TJ Maxx meter goes off for us, and apparently the car in front of us who decides to randomly back up in the middle of the street even though we are right behind him. I honk. He keeps coming. I honk again. He keeps coming. I get ready to in reverse and he finally stops. He's close enough that I have to go in reverse anyway just to get around him. I hate Miami.
9:30 - We find a place to park on the street and I hope a) my car doesn't get towed b) my car doesn't get mugged or c) my car doesn't become a toilet for bums.
9:42 - We start to walk towards South Beach but Scott informs me he needed to go pee this whole time and just didnt tell me so he wouldn't add extra stress. I appreciate it. So I'm currently waiting outside a Shell while Scott waits behind 2 old men (both turn out to be going #2). Scott makes small talk with the old man in front of him. I laugh silently 10 feet away.
9:44 - I notice that Miami is the city for people who want to show off. At a 4 pump gas station there are currently 3 bright blue cars and 1 yellow car. (1 Lexus, 2 SUV, 1 Porsche).
9:52 - Scott finally pees and we start to head down to the beach.
9:55 - Alot of men are wearing white pants. I feel like I missed the memo.
9:57 - I suddenly remember when I do a lot of walking in these jeans that I chaffe. I forgot my baby powder. Shit.
9:59 - I have something about a "Chewbacca Promo Cup" in my notes. I have no idea what it means but should there ever be a "Chewbacca Promo Cup" not directly related to a Star Wars movie?
10:06 We start walking the strip and I notice two men that have boa constrictors (maybe) wrapped around there necks, showing them off. Scott and I immediately cross to the other side.
10:10 - We come across A TON of Wheelchair beggars. Normally, I wouldn't make fun of them (lie) because they probably battled for our country but in the case of 10 or more I find it funny. Like someone wheeled them down a certain spot on South Beach's main street and was like "stay here all night, you'll get a lot of money." I really hate Miami.
10:45 After walking the strip (about 11 blocks on one street) we realize there are no bars or any "events" on the street it's also fancy hotels and one club "Mansion w/ Kim Kardashian" and you had to book dinner months beforehand. Scott needs a buzz and my inner thigs need a rest. We find a Friday's where we first come in.
10:47 While waiting in line for Friday's a drunk Brit with a mouth straight out of the "Big Book of British Smiles" comes up to me and asks me "What's going on at 1 am?" and I say, "For New Years?" and he says "Yeah where's the fucking party at?" I respond "I'm from NJ, I don't know." I believe he mutters something and then tries to steal my wallet, but thanks to my tight emo jeans, no one is getting in (or sadly, nothing is coming out).
10:48 A women walks past us (from outside) and asks if we are waiting in line (we say yes) and she continues to go ahead of us, bringing her 6 friends with her.
10:50 We are seated in big comfy seats - they were running out of room - in a section that looks like they rented out a smaller cafe or something.
10:53 I go to the bathroom and 20 seconds later a kid comes in after me. The urinals have no barrier and he doesnt want to take the chance I see his goods. He angles himself with his back facing me. Smart kid.
Side note - I can not wait for the "200-" years to be over, so we can get rid of those ridiculous new years glasses that use the 00 as the eyes. I hate them. 1 more year. We can do this. United we stand, divided we fall.
11:35 We finish eating and Scott decides to take two shots of "Red Headed Sluts" since there is no where to get alcohol on the street. He waits for 5 minutes before a bartender will look at him, he finishes the shots in 12 seconds and leaves a $20 (just under $2/sec, pretty good).
11:42 - We go looking for the hot party we saw coming in but it is nowhere to be found. We are bummed and in a bad area of town. We quickly head back to south beach.
11:47 We find a place near where they are setting off the fireworks to sit down and be alone, however there are 2 girls next to us, they give us the eye, but Scott is sure one of them has a slight case of down syndrome. I really hate Miami.
11:51 People around us start to taking family pictures and we are probably in at least 4 of them. I hope I ruined every single one.
One thing Scott and I though about was how are we going to know if its midnight. Ryan Seacrest isn't there to tell us. Well as it turns out we don't know.
11:59 The Awful countdown begins with at least 3 different sets of hotel customers leading off the 10,9,8..count at different times. This leads to...
January 1, 2008 - New Years Day
12:00, 12:00:05, 12:00:10 - So we didn't really know which one was right, but it happened a few times so one of them had to have been right. Its awkward when some people are already cheering for the new year while others are still counting. Not the grandest show I've ever seen.
12:03 Miami decided to put on fireworks, which least gave us an excuse, other than "we were at south beach to play the TJ Maxx game."
12:04 The fireworks finish up and the family next to us asks if we want our picture taken together. Scott assumes they think we are gay and gets immediately offended but takes their family portrait anyway. They probably had no intention of taking our picture, it was just a clever pickup line to get us to take theirs. Kudos.
12:09 The ole New Years wave of depression hits me. Without fail my low point is at the start of the New Year. I hate Miami.
12:14 Scott hops back into Friday's to pee.
12:15 We find our car, not broken into and head back to the hotel
12:45 We arrive at the hotel and decide to wake up at 4 so we can leave. We feel it is important to get through Jacksonville by 10 Am for fear of traffic (another College Bowl game).
1 AM I try to fall asleep unsuccessfully because I am in a trance by Flo Rida's (get it, rappers are clever with their words) performance on MTV's countdown being replayed. I wish I had seen Paramore.
1:30 AM I fall asleep sometime.
4:00 AM My alarm goes off and I have no idea why. I turn it off.
5 AM I wake up on my own and realize we overslept I tell Scott. We decide to keep sleeping because we are on vacation and why try to force ourselves so early in the AM.
8 AM I am up and ready to go.
We check out of the hotel (no continental Breakfast, even though I'm pretty sure even the Econo Lodge in Alabama gives out free breakfast. I hate Holiday Inn's in Miami). We are on the road shortly before 8:30 and have a fairly uneventful drive home. The one exception to that was stopping at a rest stop in southern NC. A black man came up to us as we went to the bathroom telling us how his car has broken down and his family was in there and all his credit cards are maxed out and so he asked if I could loan him money.
Two things: a) If it's bad enough to pull you over, it's probably not a simple repair and I'm not lending you more than.....$5 b) I was able to properly show Scott how to avoid beggars, "No, I'm OK. Thanks." We noticed him try to go after others as we went to the bathroom and as we came out he was heading toward us, so I literally ran to the car.
Side Note: I thought this would be funny to do to a beggar. Get his info - address, name, number and tell him you will play the lottery and if you win you'll give him half. (This way it comes off like a joke when you first say it "Yeah...(scoff) I'll give you money when I win the lottery.") Then, once you get home you give his information to the cops along with anonymous note on where they may find some illegal drugs, guns or immigrants (or the trifecta). Yes this is evil, but these are the things you think when you are on the road for 12 hours.
I drove the whole way and we got back to my apartment at 9 PM, so we made good time. (No traffic jams for no reason!) Scott left for his Aunt and Uncle's almost immediately and I had a nice little masterbating session (can you say double orgasm?)
Some final notes:
-The TJ Maxx game finished with Scott at 247 (over 130 on South Beach) and me at 224.
- We got 47 out of 50 states in the license plate game we missed Montana, Wyoming and Nebraska (and Hawaii, but Hawaii is no longer a state in my mind)
- I heard 6 languages (Spanish, French, French-Haitian, German, Russian, and a little English)
While the road trip was fun, and we came back with some good stories, the city of Miami will always hold a place in my heart as the biggest shithole city in America. I think their tourist department should be forced to tell the truth in ads and it would go like this:
"Come to Miami we have palm trees and beautiful beaches. Its sticky and humid year round, 85 in December, imagine how hot it'll be in August! Don't speak English? No problem, neither do we! Come relax with our abundance of adult stores and chains, one every corner for your convenience! Is your life too easy sometimes, no worries, come to Miami where you can be fearful for your health and safety 24 hours a day/7 Days a week! Only you, only Miami."
I hate Miami.
Pictures tonight.
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