Halloween is widely known as the scariest day of the year for most of the human race (boxing day is equally frightful for Canadians). So to celebrate in the fun I'll talk about the scariest Halloween I've ever had, which just happened to be this year! (Coincidence much?) This is just a recap of the all the scary things that happened on Halloween, and only could've happened BECAUSE it was Halloween. Those pagan gods are nothing, if not timely.
On to the scary good times:
1. I woke up at 5 am, to head to my 11th straight day of work. I've been working at least 9-10 hour days each day, so needless to say I was pretty excited to work all day and come home and take my frustrations out by throwing candy at little children. (Hint: Freeze "Smarties". They sting like a bitch when they are hurled at 43 MPH at a child's eye.
2. The good news about working all those hours is the large sum of overtime hours I would be receiving in a monetary sum, on this the last day of the month. When I checked my bank account I got a scary surprise in the form of $300 short. Long story short (because I tend to prattle on) I asked my boss and it seems like he may or may not be "innocently" changing hours on our time clock. To make the prank more fun he dressed up as Saddam Hussein.
3. I cleaned dishes for the first time in close to 3 weeks. The scary part here? A rust ring in the sink from a pot. Faaaaaaaaaantastic. I also cleaned the garbage can out which had a smell eerily similar to that of a vomit filled diaper. To celebrate Halloween I dry heaved for the next 4 minutes.
4. I didn't want to deal with children. I had my heart broken last year when I bought 3 bags of candy, had NO children come to my door (even though 2 lived next door) and ended up consuming close to 4000 calories by the end of the night. You know what they say about King Size Snickers (when you pop, the fun don't stop!). Thus, I didnt want to put out candy this year (also I forgot to buy it) and since I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, I didn't want to just not answer the door as little kids threatened to break it down in the hope of the only love they'll ever know (chocolate). So I went and saw Zach and Miri Make A Porno.
5. The movie was pretty good, but it was what happened at the movie theater that made this an extra scary night. As I got out of my car I dropped my iPod from what seemed to be about 9 feet in the air (which is weird, because I'm only 6' 2" but I swear it dropped from over my head). It clunked to the pavement and I picked it up to find nothing wrong with it. Fast forward 2 hours, I come out of the theater turn on my Ipod and find it decorated with dead pixels that could be mistaken for dried blood. Spoooooky.
6. As I was pulling out I looked at the car to my left. It had this sticker "Member of the Christian Hunters Association." Nothing could be scarier than shooting coons for christ.
7. I stopped at CVS on the way home to pick up a delicious Coke Zero (no calories!) and I bared witness to two scary events. First, the guy in front of me paid for a Cadburry Egg (wrong goddamn holiday asshole) with a credit card. Shockingly, he had a credit card. Second, because of the fact that I know no one with in a 25 mile radius of my house and thus would not be going to any parties (also due to my crippling fear of social situations), I saw the only slutty girl costume on the CVS check out girl. A nurse's outfit with fishnets. How daring, yet classy at the same time. (That one was more sad than scary, what would've been scarier is if she had actually looked me in the eye.)
8. I am currently sitting here at 9:39 on Halloween night, alone and the only thought that keeps running through my head is "How late do these damn kids come around till?" So it turns out I'm 65 and hate when kids step on my lawn.
Happy Halloween. (If you are reading this POST halloween night, I hope that you banged some chick in a Sarah Palin costume that was made up from a Lace boustier for a "jacket", stripper heels, the librarian glasses (of course) and some sort of micro mini made of pleather that will be passed off as a skirt.)
No comments:
Post a Comment