The Time I Kept on Eye on the Lady Keeping an Eye on Russia

So, that break lasted all of 3 days. With the most important election of my lifetime coming up I have decided to live blog the event to commemorate the occasion. Sarah Palin is shaping up to be the best mocked politician in years, and I'm not saying I'm not voting Republican, I'm just saying saying that she gave birth to a retarded child and genes run in the family (Isn't one retard President this decade enough...? And yes, I know I've already reserved my seats next to Liza Minnelli (weird looking) and Clay Aiken (gay) in hell.)

I've chosen NBC and the least annoying host (Brian Williams) as my pleasure watching channel tonight. Let's tune in.

10 PM - Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams try to break down this debate by listing the attributes of the VP nominees. I guarantee that if I was watching ABC, Chris Berman would bust out his 2 Minute Drill to discuss how Sarah "I'm Not Balin'" Palin will react down the stretch.

10:04 - The nominees come out and Palin greets Biden and says "Can I call you Joe?" Someone should tell her this is not a Parent-Teacher conference.

10:05 - First question discusses the economic crisis we are currently in. (I think we are in a crisis, I'm not sure because if you ask a republican they'll be too busy counting their fucking airplanes). He duely notes that this issue is due to the last 8 years of George Bush.

10:06 - Palin responds by using a metaphor. "Imagine you are at your children's soccer game.." Does Sarah Palin have any other facet other than "soccer/hockey mom?" I think not. (Important note from Amelia - Palin always wears too much makeup. This is obvious because the sweat is currently melting her face.)

10:09 - I don't recall ever watching a debate before, but I'll admit this kind of sucks. It's just finger pointing (Sarah Palin - JOHN MCCAIN DID THIS, YOU SENATOR, DID NOT, Joe Biden - I've actually been in the senate, why are you wearing a dress, Hilary would be wearing a pants suit.) Then they both say who voted for what. It's good times.

10:11 - Let's count the number of times Palin says maverick. One.

10:12 - Palin uses the term "Joe Six-Pack." Which is frightening because umm... a lot of guys drink beer and ummm consider themselves Joe Six Pack. (These people also like to buy HDTV to mount on their trailer walls).

10:14 - I don't like this woman's bangs. Does she not have another look? Is she hiding something on her forehead.

10:16 - My first "Oh my God" moment tonight. Biden (and the moderator) accuses Palin of not answering questions and Biden gives her a chance to respond (after she blatantly lied about McCain's voting record (accusing Obama of voting for things, that McCain also voted for)). She then says "I may not be answering questions the way you want to hear, moderator and Joe Biden, but I'm talking straight to the American people." Ladies and Gentleman, meet your new Vice President.

10:18 - Palin doesn't want to raise taxes. She tells me that the goverment will raise taxes and that's a bad thing. What makes me sad is that most people just don't want higher taxes, thousands of people will vote strictly based on the fact that they dont want higher taxes. What Palin leaves out is that raised taxes from the democrats are mostly aimed at the wealthy, oh like John McCain (and his wife's $300,000 Dress. Yes, I said dress. You know someone manages their money well when they spend 10x your yearly salary on a one time outfit.)

10:20 - Moderator brings up healthcare and Palin scoffs at the obviously ridiculous of universal healthcare Obama is proposing. I think it went something like this:

JOHN McCAIN WILL GIVE YOU a $5,000 tax credit towards your health insurance.
OBAMA WANTS UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE MEANING EVERYONE IN AMERICA GETS HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU MIGHT PAY MORE IN TAXES IN EXCHANGE FOR UNIVSERAL HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOO.

(Side Bar: I recently looked up how much it would cost to extend my health insurance through my parents plan. $447. A MONTH. Guess how much it would cost in Canada? Yeah... about 250 Molsons less aka $0.)

10:26 - Palin is currentl smiling at Biden's rebuttal. That coy smile that says "oh Joe, you just DONT know what you are talking about." (In case you didn't notice, I hope this cunt gets eaten by a polar bear.

10:28 - Biden references the Bridge to Nowhere that Palin fucked up in Alaska. It gets a laugh. Score one for the dems (mostly for the ingenuity of making fun of Palin AND being referential. I'm so proud.)

10:30 - Palin explains how she stopped the oil companies in Alaska (she obviously forgot that she was for drilling for oil in Alaska.)

10:32 - Exxon Mobil has made $600 Billion since 2001. John McCain is giving them a $4 billion tax break. I want to believe this is true, so I won't look this up. Let's stamp this fact.

10:36 - Palin dodges another question to return to the energy question brought up 7 minutes ago. She demands that will destroy nature (paraphrasing) and become an energy independent country. (Are we susceeding from the rest of the world? No more imports for us! Fuck you world. We have our own oil!)

10:39 - Climate situation. Palin - deflects. Biden - Cause is man made. (I think I might marry this man, someone get me a ring. And get Palin a copy of An Inconvenient Truth.)

10:41 - This moderator is feisty, calling out both VPs2B (i made that up myself, sound it out, I'll give you a second) on their energy pasts.

10:44 - Same sex benefits to couples. Biden - "Absolutely" (I seriously might love this man and all his political lies.) Palin - Not comfortable with it if it moves closer to Gay marriage being legal. She then tells about how she has some friends, that may not agree with her. (I just found the McCain/Palin playbook - McCain - be old, Palin - RELATE TO WOMEN. NOW. ALL THE TIME. NOW.)

10:46 - Both do not support Gay marriage. That's sad. Although if the democrats DID support it, they'd automatically lose the election. Imagine all the religious zealots that would vote against the democrats JUST because they dont want gays getting married. Human rights, meet 2008.

10:49 - Foreign policy. Biden wants to get out of Iraq, McCain wants to stay until Armageddon (you know, the time when Jesus comes back and kills everyone on Earth that didn't vote for McCain). Palin responds by saying that we are surrendering in Iraq if we leave. She's so excited at this point I think someone might have to take away her first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD, just to calm her down. She also claims that the surge worked. (Indicating that they planned for this to be a 6 year war (lasting longer than WWII, the biggest war of all time).

10:54 - Iran and Pakistan. Yeah....... (I tried to listen for the last 6 minutes but my eyes kept glossing over and I wasn't sure if this was an SNL skit or not.) Let's fast forward.


11:09 - Holy shit I fast forwarded 30 minutes and they are just finishing foreign policy. I stop (randomly) on Palin saying "Doggonit, There you go Joe!" Obviously, she is practicing her conversations with Kim Jeung Il. "Doggonit Kim, Can't you just get rid of these misslies dontchaknow?"

11:14 - Let's just pretend that I watched the rest and get to the closing statements. Palin is up first. She's gonna fight for America, the middle class, the average American family like hers (she is worth $1.2 million, pretty average, considering the median income is $45,000.) John McCain is the only man who ever fought for America. Vote him. The End.

11: 15 - Joe Biden harps on how bad the Bush Administration has been and then touches on Healthcare, Education, Military coming home and finishes with dignity (however, he messes up on "Baraka Obama.").

Well that's it thats the end of my first VP debate. Was it disappointing? Check. Was it hard to understand? Check. Did Sarah Palin drop me off at hockey practice afterwards? Check. Well, that settles its shes qualified. I'd like to present to you our new President/Vice President, Juan McClain and Sareesh Plakhahn. (See, it's fun to mess up names of the people who might be our president someday. Good job, Biden, you ruined our chances of every getting a democrat into office again.)