The Time I Got Rid Of My Cat

As I've told you in blog posts, I got a new cat, to replace an old cat that I liked. The new cat is sweet but apparently decides to call upon Satan himself, when he is not met with the right amount of love on a daily basis. The last time he caused me significant brain hemorrhaging was when he shit and pissed (two separate occasions, two sets of sheets, one day) on the bed because we were not touching him in the right places at the right times.

It's been a few months since that enormous event. But since then he has managed to somehow jump into my ottoman, and then claw his way out of it, leaving a tear reminiscent of an eclipse (Van Gogh Kitty). He also shreds plastic bags on a daily basis meaning that when I take the garbage out, I get to tap dance around dripping garbage extracts as they fall to the ground. Recently, I left chicken out to defrost, perhaps in the hopes of being able to eat a meal that didn't consist of food like Whoppers, Ho-Ho's or any sort of fast food product that has been putting me on the fast track to Adult Onset Diabetes. When I got home the chicken was on the side of the refrigerator and was so badly mangled that I mistook it for some sort of refrigerator mold growth.

To top it off my recent bout of 10 hour work days has left the cat alone from dawn till dusk and thus once again, he shit the bed. The night before he shit the bed, he dropped a warning sign, he shit right in FRONT of the bed. Luckily I found it with my foot and smeared it in the carpet. Unsurprisingly it ranks up there with shoving spiders down my throat or being stuck in an elevator with Mariah Carey for 12 hours on the list of things I do not need to do before I die.

So now I'm trying to get rid of him. I asked Amelia if she would want him, and realizing that he is a handful, she politely declined. I emailed his old owners who always claimed they would want him if I didn't, I explained his neediness and that I think going back to a home with 8 other cats would help. They offered to give me another cat. This is similar to giving a Sudanese refugee a jar of flies (they already have enough on their face).

I've posted things on Craigslist and got 3 responses, which I followed up with and none of them have called me back (kind of like what my dating life will be for the forseeable future!). But as much as I can't stand the cat right now, I still have to determine what would be a good home for him, because I'm not yet at the point where the answer to that question is "any home but this one." I dont want to give him to a family with some child that will skin him or put a dress on him, I don't want a family that doesnt have another cat or a small child. It would be helpful if the family had lots of wood that need sanding since his tongue is on external objects more often than not.

So, in closing, if you would like a cat that is so abnormally sweet that he will be on/in you at all times and gets ticked off enough when he is not on/in you he destroys things for attention, then boy do I have a cat for you.