The Time I Got A Little Jealous

I'll be honest: I am a jealous person. I have always been jealous and we won't go into the reasons of that jealousy but you can pretty much guess figure it out with a three letter hint (emo). So I don't like it when guys hit on my girlfriend. I suppose there is one camp that says "other guys want my girlfriend, but I got her" but my mind says "other guys want my girlfriend, she might leave me." (I have flabby hips, a quick temper, natural fear of public places and people and a compulsion to buy shiny electronics. Sounds like a man who may spend his midlife crisis trapped in the bombshelter (basement) of his parents house, watching old re-runs of 24 and illegally downloading the newest Hooters magazine online (yes there is a Hooters magazine)).

So this very situation came up this past weekend. I was away at the beach as previously reported and Amelia was away (for the second straight weekend) to a distant location ...we'll say...Vagina Beach, VA. She was meeting with a bunch of old friends, which seems fine and everything went well except for the fact that she didn't come on Sunday night like she said because she was too busy watching Biodome at 2 AM... Hmmm.....(Jealousy starting to rage).

When she came back I pulled my best Katie Couric and asked her a series of meandering questions that really beat around the bush. The worst answer? "There were 7 guys sleeping over, no girls". I think my jaw droping the floor mixed with a hint of road rage was the appropriate reaction and I tried to find out more, but you can't really ask "hey did you cheat on me?" (Note: I don't think she would cheat on me and the logical part of my brain knows that. But it's always weird when your girl goes away for the weekend with 7 guys, maybe it's just a thing that I have.) We resolved the conversation and I was able to calm my fears with the always delicious Tokyo Express.

Two days later the bomb dropped. Out of nowhere she asks "Hey do you remember that guy "Shark" (name substituted with an animal that rhymes) that I kind of had an on/off thing with before we started dating?" No. I didn't remember. That's not the type of thing I like to harp on when I've been in a relationship for over a year. I feel like thats more of a down the road "Hey remember when you were competing with that guy 25 years ago?" type of thing. But then I did remember and I saw where this was going.

She proceeded to tell me that Shark told her again he loved her and that she should dump me for him (because relationships that start with breaking up another relationship from 300 miles away always works.) So I was pissed with that. But then it clicked. It FUCKING clicked.

"Was Shark at the house this weekend with you?"

"Yes."

FAAAAAANTASTIC. Let me tell you something. There is NOTHING worse than the thought of having a borderline stalker (who apparently clocks in under 5' 7" - adding to the creepy vibe) spend a weekend with your girlfriend (a girl he used to date), profess his love to her, and then they proceed to get drunk together.

Again, I trust that she did not do anything and that's really not the issue here. It's him I don't trust. I have never met Shark, but trying to break up a relationship is pretty low. It reeks of desperation and a little bit of a...umm... let's say creepy...vibe. How many storylines have contained something like this:

Had the girl.
Lost the girl to an extremely attractive young man with a sensational sense of humor and wit.
Tried to get the girl back (twice, I was later informed that he had tried this manuever last year as well. Real show of class by Shark.)
Go on murderous rampage killing attractive young man with sensation sense of humor and wit because he "stole your girl."
This is basically every episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. (I'm guessing here. I'd rather watch 12 straight hours of Judge Judy).

What makes all of this worse is that she is still friends with him. Obviously, I don't tell her who to be friends with, but I feel like someone that is continously trying to harm our relationship, MAY not be the greatest of friends. But I'm just throwing out opinions here.

I'm not a violent man, but with my recent discovery of his small stature, I feel that my rotund figure could but a whoopin on him. Would any court (with a jury made up of jaded men) hold it against me? I'll end with this. I asked Amelia if Shark would still be invited to our wedding (if we had a wedding planned, which we do not. But if we did, and it was open bar, so any d-bag we sent an invitation to would want to come, instead of just sending a present, like we really want). Yes she said. So this is how our first meeting would go:

Amelia: Hey this is my friend Shark.
Shark: Nice to meet you.
Kelson: Oh, hey aren't you the guy that tried to break my girlfriend up twice in the last couple of years. (This is assuming he doesn't try it again.)
Shark: Oh that....well that was just a misunderstanding. When I said I loved her I mea.....
Kelson: (Neck snap on Shark).

Not a great way to spend your wedding day. I would hope he would NOT come to the wedding, but isn't it just as ridiculous that she is OK with inviting him? This a guy clearly not ok with being just friends. (Note: I did pose a similiar scenario with a past person in my life, and was told it was not ok to invite that person to our fake open bar wedding. I was also told that she knew she was being unfair.)

Moral of the story here: If you are going to try to break up a girl and her boyfriend, do not come to their wedding because Karma (or the boyfriend) will have a way of snapping your neck.