The Time I Got A Cheap Chinese Wallet

Several years ago (last year), I was the recipient of a gift from my dear friend Emily. You see, Emily had gone to China to "study abroad" but came back with no knowledge of Chinese culture, several thousand bootlegged DVDs, and a rare strain of the clap known as "The Ghengis Khan (only 2 of these things are true, you pick!)"

However, along with a variety of ointments and a Chinese subtitled version of Meet the Fockers, she came bearing gifts for all of her friends. For me, it was a wallet. A Chipmunk wallet. Yes, the Disney chipmunks known as Chip N Dale (better known to me as the rescue rangers.) At the time I thought little of it and I decided to use it in favor of my shitty black K-mart wallet.

The wallet probably cost no more than 8 million yuan ($1 American) and was velcro and shared a color scheme with that of a 1980's living room (bright yellow and trimmed with a red border encasing some just beautiful handmade white acorns or peanuts or whatever chipmunks eat.) My other friends got gifts of the same magnitude (chopsticks), but the uniqueness of this wallet made it stand out and thus I could be just different enough from everyone else (you know you have issues when your wallet says "hey, asshole, look at me! I, too, am an asshole. You can tell because I carry this abnormal wallet.")

But something happened instead of this asshole magnet. It became a sort of chick magnet. Now I am happily in a relationship with a lady so this is all speculation, but I mean I think that provides more credibility for the story (if this story had been written 3 years ago, I think you, the reader, would be more inclined to think that I was crazy and desperate (I was) and seeing things in girls that weren't really happening and squeezing every last ounce of attention I could into helping my own psyche. Now, I'm just embellishing stories for attention, not for girls. See the difference? Good.)

This wallet is a chick magnet for only one reason, the chipmunks. Everytime I whip the wallet out at a CVS, Wal-Mart, Wendy's (the usual haunts) and I girl is beyond the counter, I get this little giggle and an "ohhh" sound (like a puppy had just cried flowers from its eyes). The first time this happened I thought they could smell me or that I gave them a 5 instead of 10 and they thought I couldn't count. But eventually I got used to it and now I expect it. My transactions go as followed:

BEEP
BEEP
"Your Total Is"
Riiiiiiippp
"hehe, ohhhh, are those the chipmunks"
ME: Yeah, my friend got it for me in China. Gotta use it.

I play it off because it's obviously a bit unsettling for a grown man to say, "yeah I got it so I could impress sweet cashiers like you" or for the real reason "I like being just a bit off and I am too lazy to buy a real one." But regardless, at least 60% of the time I get a comment when I take the wallet out.

My least favorite part is the eventual confusion of who the chipmunks are. I often get "I love Alvin, Simon and Theodore" and I tell them "oh you are so silly, these are the real chipmunks, not those paultry Nickelodeon knock offs that suck on helium to sing." Does no one understand the plight of the Rescue Rangers?

I do, and Emily does (and of course, the great country of China does as well), and for now I will hold the legacy until someone else buys me a wallet and when that time comes this wallet shall be passed on to those who can use it. For those who have trouble looking girls in the eye, this wallet shall be your savior. Would you like to reserve your pre-owned Kelson wallet? (filled with magical girl power). Sign up in the comments and receive a free beach towel!


(PS - I was watching "The Shining" for the first time as I was writing this. Needless to say, it probably makes as much as sense Hollywood greenlighting "Step Up 3 the streets: Battlefield Ballet." For that I apologize.)