The Time I Attended the Teen Choice Awards

Ah yes, the Teen Choice Awards 2008. The surfboards, the TV stars (famous only to those under the age of 14) and Miley Cyrus, talking incessantly. Sounds like it's time for a live blog. Please note, that I tried for 20 minutes to get the fonts to match up but they wouldn't and I am a moron.

5:30 – Miley Cyrus appears live on stage, flanked on TV by two teenage girls that are also singing the lyrics to her song. I don’t know much about her other than the fact that she looks like she has braces and she may be the biggest whore since Pam Anderson, Denise Richards or any other celebrity the E! channel will throw a reality show at. Playboy countdown T-minus 3 years.

5:33 – She gives a rose to Fergie, who once again wets her pants in excitement. Someone needs their urethra checked. (PS this song makes no sense – “The seven things I hate about you” contain “you love me” as a reason. Then the song switches to “the seven things I like about you.” Just poor poor song writing.)

5:36 – They are going thru every celebrity who will be on this show and I know about half of them – including Brian Austin Green from 90210 – did he do ANYTHING other than fuck Megan Fox this year? The good news: This is hosted by Miley Cyrus and contains a Dance Smackdown.

5:38 – Miley claims this is the biggest music show in the world. Sadly, this is true as the Grammy’s passed away when Elton John and Eminem sang their gay little ditty 8 years ago.

5:40 – Choice Summer Movie – Well…teenagers are voting for this so I’m gonna guess Batman wins. Other choices are the Hulk, Hancock, Journey to the Center of the Earth (really?) and Wanted. Winner: “Will Smith” apparently he IS the movie. Good to note that the “envelope” is a big beach towel.

5:43 – I think he is spewing some scientology to the kids. Man, this is like the new Kabbalah, once Ashton Kutcher jumps on I’m in.

5:44 – Some girl I never heard of and Tad Hamilton present Gossip Girl with best TV Drama. No one is surprised, and somewhere James Van DerBeek is not-so-silently sobbing at “The Golden Years.”

5:46 – Rainn Wilson. Hmmm… does anybody else think that “The Rocker” is going to bomb at the theaters. At least he has a nice TV show to go back to and the thought that he will be typecast as a neurotic nerd for the rest of his life.

5:48 – He has bombing covered as he introduces “Ask the Jonas Brothers” to a herd of 10,000 screaming 12 year old sheep.

5:50 – The Jonas Brothers come out on stage to answer a question and two of them have curly hair. The third has jet black straight hair, I feel like they all need to be on the same page with the hair, because one of these things is not like the other.

5:52 – Sophia Bush and that asshole Drake Bell present best comedian. Sophia Bush just smoked a pack of Marlboro Red with the filters cut off and everyone can tell. Best comedian probably goes to Adam Sandler, who last made a good movie around 1996 (Happy Gilmore). Oh these teens are so out of touch.

5:53 – Sandler wins. I bet he references himself as the “sandman” in his acceptance speech….Nope he does the award speech as himself as a 13 year old….which was 30 years ago. Yikes. No kids laugh. Here comes Miley to take his surf board award back.

5:56 – Vanessa Hudgens shows off her cooch. Zac Efron giggles and hides his eyes. You’ve all seen it before let’s move on. A Gossip Girl star wins an award for “fresh face” which is ironic because I’m sure her face was covered in semen last night. BADUMCHA.

6:00 – I smell a dance smackdown. One of the crews is named ACDC. Surprisingly, they DON’T play rock music. It also appears they have been fake battling with Miley Cyrus’ crew across the internet for awhile. Is Miley Cyrus the queen of viral video? The performance also features Chris Brown and Jabawockeez (from the hit MTV show ABDC, yes I watch it. Weekly. And sure, maybe I’m a bit too involved, but they wear masks!)

6:05 – Awkward presenter duo of the night – Jesse McCartney (openly hitting on) Katherine McPhee. He did not grow into an attractive young adult. He gives favorite MySpace friend award to Ryan Sheckler, who apparently was raised by Lil’ Wayne and Master P.

6:07 – Best Male in a drama ….Channing Tatum, Emile Hirsch, Ryan Phillipe, Jake Gyllenahal and Mark Wahlberg. If this were the Oscars – Phillipe, but I’m gonna guess Channing Tatum, because he is the next Vin Diesel, and kids go nuts for that. He wins! I prefer him in Step Up 2 Da Streets, but that’s just me.

6:09 – Ask A Jonas Brother returns. I’ve discovered that the Joe Jonas has a strong brow. The Jonas Brothers are starting to fly and one gives the Black Panther fist, if only this was the VMAs, I’m sure Ja Rule would run in and knock em down like a pinata filled with cigarillos and blunts.

6:12 – JoJo rips off a list of winners for “minor awards” like best Comedy (Juno). Then awards best summer TV show to The Secret Life of American Teens, which I’ve never heard of. Am I out of the loop or does this show only exist for people under 14?

6:14 – Summer Movie Comedy is apparently different than “Best Teen Comedy”. Nominees – Get Smart, Kung Fu, Panda, Meet Dave (Eddie Murhpy’s finest hour), Wall-E (not a comedy), You Don’t Mess With the Zohan. This list leads me to believe that studios are paying to get their movies nominated. Get Smart wins, at least that is the closest thing to comedy.

6:16 – Randy Jackson (clocking in around 250) wearing skinny jeans. He presents Mariah Carey who has sufficiently dressed up like an 80’s beach prostitute. I’d like to take this moment to discuss the ups and downs of her career. 1992-1999 – popular. 2000 – Glitter and whoredom. 2005. Comeback CD! 6 Singles on the top 200 charts! 2008 – 2 weak singles followed by a marriage to Nick Cannon. I’m gonna guess she’s on the downside of her career now. By the way this song includes the line “I’ll be loving you long time.” Her dancers are also on roller skates, the last time I saw that was a Jessica Simpson video where she fellates an ice cream cone…yeah.

6:21 – Chace Crawford can’t even bear to look at Rachel Bilson as she presents best female action star. He’s certainly not doing a great job of hiding the whole gay thing. Hayden Panitierre wins and whores it to the stage in a dress sponsored by Kohls and Candies. She proceeds to scream, I proceed to mute.

6:25 – Jonas Brothers win like 6 awards all crammed together and then they act like it was unexpected. They thank their mom and dad, who could win an award for best/worst stage parents of the decade.

6:28 – Scarlet “round globes” Johanssen presents the “Do Something” award. Go to dosomething.org, because I don’t have the time to watch this fluff piece.

6:30 – Natasha Bedingfield is Miley’s rolemodel (interesting choice – someone who looks 34 and has one hit single) presents with LL Cool J, who easily works a plug for his new album in. Best Male Artist – Justin Timberlake Vs. Chris Brown. DECISIONS! I vote Chris Brown since JT hasn’t released an album this year. I am right. I’m like 4/4. The moral as always, I should either be a teenager or be controlling the teenage entertainment industry. Yes, Dan, you can come too.

6:33 – Apparently Brian Austin Green is going to be in Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles. You can officially mark that as cancelled by Season 3.

6:35 – Lauren Conrad (from the Hills) brings down the mood in the house by awkwardly saying DoSomething.org is awesome. Good news here is that she doesn’t flub any lines, I guess all that cue card reading on the Hills has paid off.

6:37 – Miley Cyrus’ dance crew rebuttal is essentially Miley and her dumb friend prancing in front of the stage as a real dance crew dances behind them. Unless they bring out Michael Jackson, they lose.

6:39 – Nope they lead into an LL Cool J performance….seriously? There is no way anyone in this audience is actually an LL Cool J fan. The closing line of the song is “ LL COOL J IS HARD.” Which comedy route should I go – the ironic “he is saying he is hard as a 15 year old dances in front of him” or the ironic “he’s claiming he’s hard (street) but he’s performing his shitty new single in front of 10,000 white kids on the Teen Choice awards." I’ll let you choose.

6:42 – Best female artist presented by the two David’s from American Idol. One feels a little too Daughtry for me, the other a little too Clay Aiken. Best female nominees: Britney (yeah lets reward this good influence for the teens by giving her an award), Fergie, Mariah, Miley. Rihanna. Only one winner is acceptable – Rihanna, but of course the host will win. And she does. She thanks “Big Jesus Christ” by pointing to the sky, but will thank him later with a few semi-nude pics sent straight to:

Heaven

C/O Jesus

777 Crucified Way.

Heaven, Heaven (So nice they named it twice.)

6:46 – Lil Mama shows up in a pink baby bonnet outfit.

6:48 Choice Hottie award – Female hottie – Vanessa Hudgens, Male – Jonas Brothers. Are any of these winners technically allowed to be called hotties?

6:49 – Choice Male Athlete- is this really the second biggest award of the night? I’m gonna guess Lebron wins. I was wrong. David Beckham. Of course, the 4 games he played for the LA Galaxy are enough to win the award. I’m thinking that these teens are just voting for the prettiest people. (PS, David Beckham sounds nothing like you think he would. Apart from being British, he has a very nasally, whiny voice and not a deep baritone like umm…any other male athlete.)

6:52 – We are winding down and Fergie is here to decide who won the dance battle. Let’s just call it for Miley and move on. 3 minutes later (probably the most tense 3 minutes of Miley’s life) and I am right.

6:56 – Apparently this is how they close out the awards. Making the best male athlete the biggest award of the night…Downer much? Metro Station (Miley’s brother) plays us out and something smells like nepatism.

To recap – I predicted about 6/7 awards correctly and the night ended with a rigged dance off between the hosts and the choreographer of Step Up 2 The Streets, (in short, my dream came true). It’s gonna be hard for FOX to top this next year, but I’m sure a Tween sex tape, the cast of Gossip Girl eating their own faces, and Shia LeBeouf getting drunk and pissing on the audience will ensure that FOX keeps the glory alive.