The Kelson Advent Calendar (KAC)

Christmas is a wonderful time of year don't you think? In commemoration of Santa's Birthday I'd like to present the Kelson Advent Calendar, because December just isn't as good if you aren't starting each day with 400 calories of cheap chocolate (or more accurately all 24 pieces in one day).

Each day (that I feel like it) I'll give you a new morsel of chocolate to fulfill your "holiday needs." Each post will state something remarkable about this time of year whether I love it or hate it. Today (and yesterday) we have:

DAY 1 - CHRISTMAS MOVIES - DARK CHOCOLATE

Everyone loves a good XMAS movie (as long as they don't focus on that silly Jesus character), so the hits over the years include A Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Carol and Miracle on 34th St. Forever. These will be re-aired on TNT and ABC at least 45 times each this month. Hooray! In these situations I don't like to watch the whole movie in one sitting, rather I watch 3 minute snippets at one time and then randomly flip back to the channel days later in hopes of catching 3 minutes I haven't seen. By the end of the month I've still seen the movie 4 times all the way through and I don't get tired of it!

Now there are 2 more categories of XMAS movies OTHER than the classics - the new classics and the bombs. In recent years the geniuses at movie studios have realized people (like myself) FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS AND WILL CELEBRATE IN ANY MOVIE THAT CELEBRATES CHRISTMAS. So in the last 10 years we have received new classics like The Santa Clause, Elf, Love Actually (ummm Hugh Grant, will you marry me?) and even the classic Home Alone Series. These movies are always a good re-watch and are good for a laugh both on and off screen. Shortly after making these films, most of the actors dropped off the face of the earth (EXCEPT HUGH GRANT HE ROCKS)

Although implausible, I imagine Hugh Grant is kissing his own fine ass.

Here is a list of some select actors' work after their holiday film:

Tim Allen - NEXT FILM - Jungle 2 Jungle, See Also: The Shaggy Dog, Christmas with the Kranks (oh trust me, this will be covered shortly)

Zooey Deschanel - NEXT FILM - Eulogy See Also: The Good Life, Live Free or Die (Not the Die Hard Movie)

Macaulay Culkin - NEXT FILM - The Pagemaster See Also: Party Monster (Hint: He loves heroine.)

Can you guess which one is on amphetamines?

Keira Knightley (YES I KNOW, but OTHER than Pirates of the Caribbean) NEXT FILM - King Arthur See Also - Domino, Pride & Prejudice

So perhaps there is a curse among Christmas movies, at the least these actors' films were good (Tim Allen how could you do this to me?)

However, because this is Hollywood there are sure to be many shitty movies on this list as well. Here they are with a short recap of why the are awful

Christmas with the Kranks - Tim Allen plays himself, from "Home Improvement" with a new family, disaster ensues when he decides to skip Christmas. Lesson: DONT FUCK WITH SANTA

Tim Allen didn't need makeup for this film

The Last Holiday, The Perfect Holiday, The Holiday - First problem 2 of these 3 films star Queen Latifah. Really? There was no other strong black female to get for this (one that didn't rap in the 90's). The second problem, quite obviously, is that they all have "holiday" in them. LESSON: DONT FUCK WITH CHRISTMAS. No "holiday" films, only christmas movies. If we wanted secular films we'd have Hanukkah with the Goldsteins. No one would see that.


Black Christmas. - A Christmas horror movie....Yep. LESSON: Halloween was two months ago douchebags.

Surviving Christmas, Reindeer Games - Two completely different films, both starring Ben Affleck. Both bombs, coincidence? SC was more of a delightful romp in the hilariousness that IS family holidays, but wouldn't you rather see Uncle Tim get plastered and hit on your cousin than have Ben Affleck score with his half-sister? Exactly. Lesson: Why is Ben Affleck doing any movie other than a Kevin Smith film.

So that was Day 1 (and 2) of the advent calendar. Check back tomorrow to see what December 3rd will be. PS. I HOPE ITS CANDY CORN!

PPS - Bad Santa was left off any list, as it was probably the most offensive Christmas movie, however it is by far the funniest out of this bunch. Also Jingle all the way was left off this for fear that the Governator would kill me.

Currently Listening to: I Am the Avalanche - I Am the Avalanche