Welcome to December 3, the first shitty day of the KAC (Kelson Advent Calendar). Today, I awoke and opened up the lovely number 3 to find a piece of chalk. I know kids will eat almost anything but I refuse to eat chalk...even if its brown chalk....even if it says chocolate on it. OK fine I ate it but I didn't enjoy it....
I enjoyed it.
But the chalk is symbolic of course! Like bad kids receive bad presents or the equivalent of poison in their advent calendar, I do not enjoy some aspects of Christmas. Such as holiday gatherings. There are many types of holiday gatherings that you may love but today I will cover two that no one will ever love, not even Angelina Jolie, who will love anything.
That's her brother. She also adopts foreign kids. Seriously, she loves everyone.
First the awkward holiday party. This could be a gathering of friends, an office party, a KKK rally, whatever gets the Xmas spirit rising. These are events that will only happen in the month of December either due to Christmas or because people are in the holiday spirit and want to "share." While I have not yet come in contact with a Christmas office party I didn't love (free food) I did participate in the latter of these parties this weekend.
This is a stretch so before you continue this story let me give you some truths:
1. This was not a party
2. This was in no way brought together by Christmas
3. The only thing that relates this to Christmas is a massive group of Christians and the month of December.
Now let's begin the real story - I was invited by a dear friend to participate in a pickup football game this weekend. Being the athletic stalwart I am, I immediately jumped at the opportunity. I mean why not, the last pickup game I played ended up in the near death of one of my best friends. Yes, I was responsible for this near death, but it was cold and he needed to shut the fuck up. So I cut him. He bled red on the white snow and green grass mixture, creating a green, red and white Christmas!
So I happily accept this most recent invitation in hopes of recapturing my murderous glory of years past. I invite two of my other friends (participants and witnesses of the first game/death) because I want to continue the streak and they need to confirm it at a later date (no one would believe Cal Ripken played in 8000 games straight if 40,000 people hadn't seen it nightly).
I get to the field and quickly find about 30 gentleman warming up in cleats, gloves and doing something that looked to be wind sprints. I took part in none of this for fear my cheap $5 Kmart "cross-trainers" would quickly show signs of the shitty child labor that crafted them. (I was later informed that one "athlete" in this bunch was wearing Steve Smith's actual game worn gloves. Who wears NFL gloves to a pick up game?......If you answered douchebags you aren't wrong.)
I was 4 feet away from these exact gloves. However, they were on a much smaller, angrier white man.At first I was taken aback by the mass quantities of kids that showed up (the last death march had 8), however I quickly realize they are all members of InterVarsity (not an athletic group) and all know each other. Which means?
Yes I was the last one picked. Twice.
While the Christian Coalition decided to pick each other I was busy praying there wouldn't be a group prayer before each play. (I was in luck) Yet, the mass number of people caused the game to be split into 2 separate games ( 8 vs. 8). Still too many people for my liking and because of this I continued to delve deeper into high school gym class lore. Yes I played "line."
Playing line in a pickup game is like playing middle right field in t-ball. In short, no one likes you and you get put there because you are useless anywhere else. While playing the Offensive line is not fun, Defensive line proved to be more fun as I got to rub man parts with other men as I pretended to chase the football. Plain and simple I rocked defensive line, I was later voted Pick Up Game MVP ( by myself).
So I made the most of the day. While it sucked to be picked last and play line I got to use muscles. Muscles I would later find out I had not used in 8 years. I sneezed this morning and felt it in my abs. Every single inch of me is sore and while I can chalk it up to be out of shape, I would rather not. It's been so bad, I just plain didn't eat today. Too much walking. Good times.
So what's to thank for the destruction (both mentally and physically) of my weekend. Christmas time of course! If it weren't for this cold time of year near the end of a school semester, 30 Christian kids wouldn't pile out of the cathedral to play football and crush my spirit.
If you were wondering no murders were committed this time. The fear of god was put in me by a 6' 8'' giant.
Wow, that was a long story. So the other type of Christmas party I despise is the Christmas awkward gathering (as bad as Thanksgiving). As a kid these are a blast, EVERYONE gets you presents (I was 13 5 years in a row to maximize this) but as an adult one person gets you a present and the likelihood is that person still thinks you are a child. Hence, I got a model car in years 18, 19, 20 and 21 of my adult life. (No worries each gift giver promptly became the recipient of a smashed mailbox.)
Also, as an adult you have to interact with the family (not so bad) and the families' friends (who for some reason don't have their own family). The family friends are the worst, they have no idea who you are and if they do, they remember you as a 5 year old. Endlessly frustrating. After 5 minutes of dry conversation and witty banter (the friend will most likely not get) you realize why they dont' go to their own families gathering A) The family can't stand them B) The family killed themselves or C) The family friend killed his own family.
I remember you when you were this tall.
My response: I'm surprised the alcoholism hasn't wiped that memory clean away.
You can lose the family friend for a short time but they will also pop up again later. They have their own tradition they need to enforce on the family (EVERYONE LEAVE YOUR SHOES OUTSIDE...NOW) and cause a headache for just about everyone with a brain (normally just me).
Now this might be central to my family, but their is NO ONE in my age range. Literally. The next closest person is 12 years younger than me. He is 10, not easy to have a conversation with a 10 year old that isn't about Transformers (I've tried. They only care about the new transformers, when EVERYONE knows that Transformers Beast Wars totally kicks ass). How about I look older - (searching...) closest age is....37... I tend to think this is a joke on me, everyone in the family said "ah fuck it, lets see how long we can go as a family without having another child. We can pick on him for holidays on end!"
The worst part is when you find out your 37 year old second cousin is now married and no one informed you. However, this is quickly corrected when someone (in my case, my mother) says "oh just so you aren't the last to know, your cousin Jimmy Smits is now married." Oh thanks, BUT IM STILL FUCKING LAST TO KNOW. Also, at this point I've already embarrassed myself for not knowing who this new bride is and I awkwardly I have to kiss her on the cheek or some shit.
Which brings me to the last point - the goodbye. As if its not enough to deal with your family for hours on end, I sit in fear, planning my exit strategy so I have to kiss/hug the least number of people. Does anyone want to come within 3 inches of a drunk relatives mouth? Anyone? I think I'd rather eat chocolate flavored chalk.
Check back tomorrow! December 4th! Best Advent Calendar Ever!
Currently Listening to: Glassjaw - Worship & Tribute
Yes I was the last one picked. Twice.
While the Christian Coalition decided to pick each other I was busy praying there wouldn't be a group prayer before each play. (I was in luck) Yet, the mass number of people caused the game to be split into 2 separate games ( 8 vs. 8). Still too many people for my liking and because of this I continued to delve deeper into high school gym class lore. Yes I played "line."
Playing line in a pickup game is like playing middle right field in t-ball. In short, no one likes you and you get put there because you are useless anywhere else. While playing the Offensive line is not fun, Defensive line proved to be more fun as I got to rub man parts with other men as I pretended to chase the football. Plain and simple I rocked defensive line, I was later voted Pick Up Game MVP ( by myself).
So I made the most of the day. While it sucked to be picked last and play line I got to use muscles. Muscles I would later find out I had not used in 8 years. I sneezed this morning and felt it in my abs. Every single inch of me is sore and while I can chalk it up to be out of shape, I would rather not. It's been so bad, I just plain didn't eat today. Too much walking. Good times.
So what's to thank for the destruction (both mentally and physically) of my weekend. Christmas time of course! If it weren't for this cold time of year near the end of a school semester, 30 Christian kids wouldn't pile out of the cathedral to play football and crush my spirit.
If you were wondering no murders were committed this time. The fear of god was put in me by a 6' 8'' giant.
Wow, that was a long story. So the other type of Christmas party I despise is the Christmas awkward gathering (as bad as Thanksgiving). As a kid these are a blast, EVERYONE gets you presents (I was 13 5 years in a row to maximize this) but as an adult one person gets you a present and the likelihood is that person still thinks you are a child. Hence, I got a model car in years 18, 19, 20 and 21 of my adult life. (No worries each gift giver promptly became the recipient of a smashed mailbox.)
Also, as an adult you have to interact with the family (not so bad) and the families' friends (who for some reason don't have their own family). The family friends are the worst, they have no idea who you are and if they do, they remember you as a 5 year old. Endlessly frustrating. After 5 minutes of dry conversation and witty banter (the friend will most likely not get) you realize why they dont' go to their own families gathering A) The family can't stand them B) The family killed themselves or C) The family friend killed his own family.
I remember you when you were this tall.
My response: I'm surprised the alcoholism hasn't wiped that memory clean away.
You can lose the family friend for a short time but they will also pop up again later. They have their own tradition they need to enforce on the family (EVERYONE LEAVE YOUR SHOES OUTSIDE...NOW) and cause a headache for just about everyone with a brain (normally just me).
Now this might be central to my family, but their is NO ONE in my age range. Literally. The next closest person is 12 years younger than me. He is 10, not easy to have a conversation with a 10 year old that isn't about Transformers (I've tried. They only care about the new transformers, when EVERYONE knows that Transformers Beast Wars totally kicks ass). How about I look older - (searching...) closest age is....37... I tend to think this is a joke on me, everyone in the family said "ah fuck it, lets see how long we can go as a family without having another child. We can pick on him for holidays on end!"
The worst part is when you find out your 37 year old second cousin is now married and no one informed you. However, this is quickly corrected when someone (in my case, my mother) says "oh just so you aren't the last to know, your cousin Jimmy Smits is now married." Oh thanks, BUT IM STILL FUCKING LAST TO KNOW. Also, at this point I've already embarrassed myself for not knowing who this new bride is and I awkwardly I have to kiss her on the cheek or some shit.
Which brings me to the last point - the goodbye. As if its not enough to deal with your family for hours on end, I sit in fear, planning my exit strategy so I have to kiss/hug the least number of people. Does anyone want to come within 3 inches of a drunk relatives mouth? Anyone? I think I'd rather eat chocolate flavored chalk.
Check back tomorrow! December 4th! Best Advent Calendar Ever!
Currently Listening to: Glassjaw - Worship & Tribute
1 comment:
larger text, please. larger and bolder. you're giving me eye strain. you want an audience, don't you?!
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