Week In Review

This week was fairly uneventful as I was able to somehow force myself into doing 55 hours of labor (this becomes unusually hard when in previous weeks I have only worked 8 hours the entire week. It's like my muscles (and my wallet) atrophied over that period). So the week started with a bang:

Monday - MLK Day

I woke up at 4:30 AM Monday and, in case you were wondering, Monday was a national Holiday and I dare anyone to wake up before 5 am on a national holiday and not want to immediately kill themselves. Why was I granted this honor, you ask? Well children, it's because I decided to blow my college degree and turn to forced manual labor instead! Thanks Elon!

Needless to say Monday was not a great day and the work basically continued from there until Friday, the first day I was actually able to do something that could even possibly be described as "fun" or "not sitting in a 4 hour meeting about brick laying." 

Friday - Charlotte Bobcats 

I had work at 6 AM friday, but this was good, as it allowed to me to get out early and go down to Charlotte to see my beloved Charlotte Bobcats versus the Phoenix Suns. 2 things were going to make this night awesome, the Bobcats jersey I got for Christmas from RJ, and the fact that it was NASCAR night at the arena. (For those of you not familiar with sporting events, I feel like having another sport night at a basketball arena is a fairly uncommon occurence. I can never imagine NASCAR having an NBA night and why not? Because NBA fans and NASCAR fans do NOT go well together. Would you have the Soul Train awards give a special presentation at the Country Music awards? No.) Needless to say, I had my fingers crossed that I would be involved in a second near-shooting in as many Friday nights. 

On the way, RJ and I stopped at Friendly's to get Happy Endings and we were met by a waitress that was all kinds of confusing. I say this because her age was somewhere between 12 and 25. I would lean towards 12, but the 200 pounds hanging off of her bones would say otherwise . She acted like a 12 year old though, giving these weird scrunched up faces, looking off in other directions and all and all being too nice (meaning she obviously hasn't hit the mean streak of high school yet). It was weird for us, I had to literally bite my lip to keep from laughing anytime she spoke to us, that sounds mean, I know, but hey, she's gonna hit high school soon and will definitely be known as Libby the Lard or Tammy the Tank. 

The game was awesome as the Bobcats blew out the Suns (unexpectedly) and the NASCAR fans packed the stadium (enough that RJ and I had to wait in line for 20 minutes to buy tickets and then, since we are pros, requested a specific section and row, at 2x the regular price, only to find when we got our tickets, they were in the exact corner of the stadium (worst seats in the house.)) As we went through security, we realized the wand lady was only wanding like...every 5 people. My hopes for that shooting were going up. 

The climax of the night (for most fans) was the awarding of the NASCAR champ trophy to the champion, who apparently, was too busy to show up. Again, this is all confusing, I can't imagine the NFL giving out the Super Bowl trophy at the Golf Tournament down the street. Was this the real ceremony, or were they just repeating it for NASCAR fans' sake? If they were just repeating and they knew he wasn't showing up, what was the point of even repeating it? So many questions, none of them answered. This is not unusual for a Bobcats halftime show. 

Saturday - 

After getting home at midnight Friday night, I woke up at 5 am to work from 6 AM - 6 PM. I was really excited. I don't normally talk about things that happen at work, but I need to make an observation. Their was a soccer conference in this weekend. At this soccer conference, all the ADULTS were wearing ADIDAS track suits. Different colors, types, sizes (thank god), so they weren't a mandatory uniform. But this made me wonder, what other parent or adult wears like...athletic clothing to formal meetings. Can you imagine people walking around in football gear, trying to wedge themselves into seats? Why is this ok? It is fair to say I will never get that swooshing sound out of my head, as hundreds of parents walked with their parachute panted legs to close together. (My favorite part of this entire thing was working with this group's AV guy and watching him try to setup a projector, fully decked out in his soccer regalia. I'm sure the conversation went like this in his hotel room:)

Man: (putting on parachute outfit)

Wife (or life partner): Honey, it sounds like you are crinkling 50 plastic bags for fun, what are you doing?

Man: I'm putting on my uniform for work.

Wife: ...You are setting up a few projectors, don't you think jeans would be more appropriate?

Man: Honey, I'm doing MANUAL labor, I gotta be loose, gotta be able to move quickly. 

Wife: Oh....ok. (Wife goes back to bed, her mind split between pondering a divorce and wondering if she could sew jeans onto his skin.)

Sunday -

The week ended on a high note when I delivered pizzas sunday night. I put in my two week notice and had 10 delivery's for the first time in weeks (normally, I walk out with about $8). I thought I was raking it in, but when it came time for me to cash out, it all went horribly wrong. I figured out I owed about $45 and I had about $80 in cash. Which means I had made $25, which is not terrible, per se, until I started adding it up. (Of course I didn't do this until I got home, which was too late). But here's how I know I either physically lost money or somehow added wrong at the end. Be careful with the next paragraph it's like a terrible SAT question, I don't want anyone to have a seizure.

Each delivery is $1.50, plus whatever tip I get. So at 10 deliveries, I should get at least $15, with no tip yet included. Now, I took at 6 credit cards, with tips added on. 2 of those had $5 tips. So that would be $25 for the night. But that's not including tips on 8 other deliveries. I normally average about $2 per tip, so that would mean I'm down about $16 dollars. But I know for a fact, that my lowest tip was $2 (in quarters, no less) and that I had 2 deliveries where I got tipped $5 in cash. So that's $35, not counting tips from 6 houses. If I then say, each of those was $2 (though they weren't), I should've made $47. So I'm now down by at least $22. And this is why I'm quitting pizza, because I'm apparently to dumb to keep the money I make. I also have this stinging feeling in my gut like when I lost $100 worth of Jeffrey Money after Christmas one year and I couldn't buy my Star Trek action figures like I wanted. Ironically, I was going to use this money to finally complete that action figure collection. Oh world, how cruel thyne are.

Week In Review

This is a new segment that will just take small stories of the past week that aren't awesome enough to make their own post. Essentially, they are losers, but when combined into one post they are long enough to pass.

Sunday - I was doing my laundry in the "bad" part of town (mostly to challenge myself to see if I would make it out ok.) I did not. I was sitting in my car, listening to the radio, when a gruff gentleman that would best be described as "wigger" walked by my car. He took a glance in, and saw I was there so he asked me a question. I couldn't hear him and so I answered "no." (Because whatever question he asked me, the answer was definitely no.) So he made the motion to roll down my window, which I would never do, because that's basically saying "yes, please put a gun or knife to my neck while I sit here unable to do anything." I turned off my radio so I could hear him threaten me with his "from the streets" tone. 

Apparently I showcased an attitude when turning off the attitude because I turned and he asked me what the fuck my problem was. I said "What's your question?" He said, "Do you live around here?" and I said "no." (Which was untrue but at this point I would've told him I had the plague just to get him away from me). He asked me again "DO YOU LIVE IN GREENSBORO?" At which point I said "no," in a tone that inferred "You are a retard. Did you not hear me say no 3 seconds ago?"His response "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM BITCH? FUCK. YOU." 

And he walked away, into the laundromat. I decided to drive away, because he would definitely be coming back out and I didn't want another confrontation that would assumedly end in me getting a little too witty and consequently geting shived. 

Wednesday - I was in Chapel Hill with Ashley and we were driving around looking for Sangria to make some sort of meal. Unsurprisingly Target only had about a 30 gallon bottle, and since that was about 29 7/8 gallons too many, we decided to hit up the ABC store. Now, I'm not familiar with ABC stores, but I know they sell only alcohol. So we go into the store and ask the clerk if she has Sangria. Not only does she not have it, she has never even heard of it. I feel that when a Straight Edge kid who has bought alcohol once in his life knows what Sangria is, and you, a liquor store attendant do not, maybe it's time to find new work. 

Anyway, we ask where we could get some because a customer has now arrived to chime in. And his answer is really the point of this whole story. In the most effeminate, condescending, "I belong in SoHo in an off-off broadway play" way, he says "Ummmm, don't you normally MAKE Sangria?" This may or may not be true, but we needed a very little amount to aid in the cooking and frankly I wasn't prepared to spend hours letting grapes (or whatever is in Sangria) ferment to appease this young man. We tried to explain we just needed a little, was there anyplace that would POSSIBLY sell it and, again, both of them came up blank. 

Friday - Ashley came over Friday so that we could see My Bloody Valentine in 3D. I was discussing this with my co-worker who mentioned he would be seeing it at the same time, same place and offered to pick up tickets before hand for us. I agreed and gave him 16 bucks because normally movies are 8 bucks there. We would be seeing the 10 PM showing and the chance to get attacked by knives in 3D was just overwhelming me. 

I called him around 8 PM to ensure he got the tickets. He had. Only 2 more hours. Around 9:30 we make our way to the theatre to meet up and get our tickets and 3D glasses which cost an additional 3 dollars each (I really enjoy seeing a movie for $11 and unfortunately I can only assume that this movie would cost about $20 to see in NYC.) So on the approach to the movie theatre I get a call from this co-worker, the conversation went like this:

Jerrod: Hey, are you at the theatre yet?

Me: No, I'm about 2 blocks away. 

Jerrod: Ok,  because the movie has been cancelled. 

Me: Why?

Jerrod: Somebody got shot. 

Me: Ummm, WTF?

Jerrod: Yeah, the cops are evacuating everybody now.

We met up with him to get our sweet 3D glasses and tickets in the hope of maybe going back and getting a refund when all the blood gets cleaned up. I later watched the news to see what was happening and all sources point to the opening of Notorious (the movie about a rapper who got shot 12 years ago). Apparently the star of the film was there and that made someone angry enough to shoot someone. Ladies and gentleman, Greensboro, North Carolina!

The Time It Became 2009

2009. The big time for resolutions and starting a new. But who am I kidding, I have already broken my resolution to not eat fast food (twice today!) and I'm still in the same job in the same broken down city. So why not celebrate in a town thats far far away. That's right Cary, NC. 

The evening started off splendidly, having to deliver pizzas from 6 PM - 9 PM (and of course clean up afterwards). Making my arrival in Cary at about 10:30 PM, which would be fine if, you know there wasn't a specific thing at midnight that everyone on the eastern seaboard gathers around for. When I got there everyone was partying! Dan forgoed the hoodie in lieu of a peacoat that I'm pretty sure he may have described as "brilliant" (or possibly the sale was brilliant, either way I hate the use of that word for a description that doesn't directly correlate to Asian children.) 

Dan and I proceeded to be terrible guests to our host by making fun of her cooking (apparently the 2 step break and bake cookie instructions were 2 steps too many) and then hiding her purse and all of its contents around the house and blaming it on the roomba (aka, the first wave of robots to kill their home owners). Then everyone gathered around the table to play apples to apples, which is a somewhat fun game, if you know everyone playing.

In the game, one person turns a card with a subject, and then people use one word descriptive cards to try to match it and then, subjectively, the person chooses his favorite. I almost always go for the funny angle, but apparently when 4 people you are playing with don't know you, they find it offensive (however, I thought it hilarious when Dan matched his Pearl Harbor card to "cuddly" (or something like that)). We were playing and playing, until someones sister showed up and the sister's husband was a cop.

Now, this wouldn't be a bad thing for me, I wasn't even drinking, but I do like to make casual references to heroin abuse and throw in the odd "fuck tha police" into sentences. So when the cop came, the game broke up and we proceeded to turn on "Dick Clark's Rockin New Years Eve w/ Ryan Seacrest." (I was especially upset that the Apples to Apples game ended so early because I had a Helen Keller card waiting to be used for something inappropriate.)

Instead I turned my inappropriateness to Dick Clark and his stroke mouth. At first, it was fun to make fun of the old guy as he stumbled across words that he used to recite in his speech. After two minutes, my brain flipped and immediately felt terribly guilty (I'm being honest) as you could tell from the pained look in his eye that he was frustrated with himself for not being able to do this. So I give Dick Clark credit for trying and for at least giving us another year before Seacrest decides to take over NYE celebrations by taking an injection to become as big as "The Hulk" and then throwing the ball onto the waiting patrons in Times Square as he devilishly cackles "SEACREST OUT."

After the ball dropped Dan, Steve (not wearing his famous going out sweater) Ken and I all proceeded to play video games (Rock Band and Scene It!) until 4 in the morning, even though I had an hour drive home and had to be at work at 8 (yes, 8 on New Years Day. Which, if I had to pick, would be the worst day out of all 365 to go in at 8 am. Gooooooooo manual labor!) I left the house and didn't start feeling sleepy until about halfway. At this point the only way I could stay awake was to roll down all the windows and stick my head out to make sure that the 20 degree air would blow at 80 MPH on my face. (This brought back flashbacks of the time I drove from New Jersey to North Carolina starting at 1 AM after being awake all day. Really not the smartest thing I've ever done. Although a great way to get on "America's Funniest Home Videos" when you fall asleep at the wheel and drive into incoming traffic.)  

I arrived home slightly before 5, ripped off all my clothes set my alarm for 7:30 and proceeded to fall asleep in about 10 seconds. When I went into work the next morning I openly seethed at anyone in the building, even those who were not at all responsible for making me work that day and the proceeded to leave at 10 am. Yes, I had to work for 2 measley hours on New Years Morning (I also found out that this is not counted as double time. In the future I hope to work on all major national holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving and not get paid accordingly for it. Way to keep the morale up!). 

I went back to bed at 10:30 and set my alarm for 3 PM, so that I could still be somewhat productive and of course over slept it and woke up at 6:30. So, all in all, I would say my New Years Eve experience was a smashing success (much better than fighting off the urge to commit suicide on the "most depressing to be alone" holiday.) The start of 2009? Less of a smashing success and more of an awkward cartwheel done by a fat kid, showing off for his mom, crashing into a group of girls half his size, followed by 5 minutes of solid shrieking from the girls. 

2009, you may have won the first battle (and the second battle - fast food resolution), but it is January 7th and you will NOT win the war. (My other resolution was to write more in this blog and I'm 5/7 . Go me.)

The Time I Went to New Jersey (Part 4)

The next morning I woke up early to go have Dunkin Donuts with my dear friend Derril. He had work at 9, so we set an early time of 8:15 AM, so that we could chat like the dear old school chums we are. We also invited our friends Lou and Ryan, but apparently neither could drag themselves out of bed that early.  Derril, the perennial "on time guy" arrived at 8:30 and we caught up on old stories (mostly me complaining about my life). 

Once Derril left for work, I headed back to my parents house to help them setup their new HDTV which went swimmingly until we had to lug the old TV down two flights of narrow stairs. Now, when I say old TV, I mean the 37" bucket of bolts that may have been from 1990 and literally weighed 200 pounds. I'm not sure why these TV's even existed, flat screens should've always been around. 

Anyway, I went to test my new Blu Ray player with my dad's television and it would read, and start the disc menu, but when I hit play, it wouldn't work. The other buttons on the actual unit all worked (you know, like brand new equipment should) but not play. I then searched for the remote and it was not to be found. Merry Christmas Kelson, here's the broken blu ray player you always wanted! Not to out do myself, I decided that I would trip and tumble down the stairs on my way out, causing a slight discomfort in my back that would only be added to by my heaps of driving down the East Coast. 

I packed up my car and hit the road around 10:30, planning on meeting my friends Kate and Kristen at the King of Prussia mall (and yes, King of Prussia is the name of a town. Voted worst town name in history!). We both seemed to arrive at the same time and decided that California Pizza Kitchen was the best bet for food (because I always love paying $12 for a small pizza) and then I waited for 10 minutes as they trekked across the mall to the CPK. 

I hopped back on the road, dreading the traffic I would face in Philly, but miraculously, I got through Philly and hit absolutely no traffic and dear god, that changed. The traffic first started when I hit the Maryland border and then continued all the way until Baltimore. 60 miles. Going about 35 miles an hour. By the time I hit the DC traffic after an hour of no traffic I was about ready to snap and enact the scene from either Vanilla Sky (where Cameron Diaz tries to kill Tom Cruise by driving off a bridge while shouting I SWALLOWED YOUR CUM) or from Tommy Boy (where a supposedly dead deer rips through my car like it just ate a big bag of mallomars and really needed to shit). 

I was originally supposed to meet my friend Caroline in Richmond at 6, but at 3:30 I was still in Baltimore and called her to tell her I didn't think I'd be there until 8:30. I was being dramatic, or so I thought. 5 hours to get from Baltimore to Richmond (a mere 150 miles). By the time I actually got to Richmond it was 8 PM, I had already texted Caroline to tell her to forget it (although this was pre-empted by her calling me, telling me she already ate and she was now at a bar with some guy I met once in passing 2 years ago, but that the bar had food and I could eat while they watched me). This did not seem like something I was ready to handle after being in the car for nearly 10 hours with 3 hours still to go.

I decided I'd just stay the night with my friend Dan, in Cary, which is about an hour closer than my house. I finally arrived in Cary at 10:30 PM, a full 12 hours after I left my parents house in NJ (a normal trip takes me 9 hours on average). We then proceeded to buy jalepeno poppers which, when eaten 3000 calories at a time, do not sit well at 1 am in the morning. We were up till 2 or 3 or maybe 4 (the days all blur together when you are as cool as me) and then proceeded to wake up early and go to Target to shop for Blu Rays. 

When we got there we were met by a terribly stocked blu ray section that didn't even have the specials that had come out that day. I then turned my attention to the Blu Ray players and bought one, knowing my parents would just send me the money and return the one they go me. The electronics department clerk was the most terribly depressing man to look at: balding, acne scars everywhere, current acne and probably as tall as Michael J. Fox (in 4 years when the Parkinson's knocks him down to 5'0".) He begrudgingly checked us out and we went home to test my new blu ray player. Same issue. It would appear on screen, but the play button would not work. I also noticed that the on screen displays were exactly the same as mine. This was a different brand, but apparently same manufacturer. So I opened the original blu ray and tried it with the new remote and voila it worked! (Of course I would basically buy 2 of the same blu ray player and get lucky enough for one to have a remote). 

Then as I was packing both of them up (one to return to target sans remote) Dan said "uhhh, Kelson? What's that right there?" A remote. The original blu ray player's remote was sitting there, in its packaging on the outside of the styrofoam holders the blu ray comes in. I do not know why they would hide it there and not IN THE BOX, with all the other cables, but there it was. Crisis averted (other than the fact that apparently if you lose a remote for your blu ray player you are fucked.)

We then proceeded to watch football on Dan's HDTV before heading to the bar to watch the Jaguars and Dolphins play. Since Dan and I had eaten an entire pizza and breadsticks by ourselves we were not hungry, but Dan ordered cheesecake so that we werent sitting in a bar for 4 hours paying for nothing (NOTE: We ordered Pizza from Papa John's told them we had a coupon that would make our order $17 and then they just accepted it, and didn't even ask for the coupon. Thusly, I will now call Papa John's with slightly ridiculous coupon orders like: Order a small pizza and get 2 large pizzas and breadsticks free). 

The only other remarkable thing from the bar was the new waitress. I saw her from across the room and my jaw dropped while Dan just shook his head. I have a penchant for skinny girls with brown hair and she fit the bill to a T. Her bangs swooped in her face (like an emo girl!) but she had the rest of her long brown hair up (meaning she had a multitude of looks, you know for when we have quick costume changes). She had two small star tattoos on her wrists (which I would normally think is lame but in this case convinced me she was slightly emo, slightly indie.) Then coup d'etat was when we heard her talk: SMOKERS VOICE. When it sounds like you may work for a sex hotline, you may be hot. 

After openingly gaping at her all afternoon, Dan finally saw things my way and also thought she was hot. However, because we didn't order much food she had no reason to check on us, which left me stalking from a far. At one point I caught her name as she told it to someone else (I read lips as a hobby) and I immediately forgot it once we left the bar. Before leaving, I was able to get up the courage to ask for the check (I owed $2 for a coke) and then proceeded to tip another 5, half, because as someone who works for tips I enjoy getting nice tips, and half, because I have the faint hope that the next time I go to this bar at 5 on a Sunday, she will be there, remember I tipped her decently and fall in love with me. That's just the hopeless romantic in me (again like Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky). 

So that was my trip to NJ. It ended on a nice note, as the next day I found out that Dan's cheesecake had ended up in the sink and I thought that was a nice denouement for the trip. I just kept going and going and going and then it ends with some vomit. Bravo, New Jersey, you always come through. 

The Time I Went to New Jersey (Part 3)

Friday - December 26, 2008

The next morning I woke up incredibly early to take advantage of some sweet Early Bird specials at Kohl's (according to the internets the day after Christmas is quickly becoming Black Friday II). So combine that with the everyday low prices of Kohl's and it makes 5 AM on the day after Christmas seem worth waking up for. I got to Kohl's around 6:15 and spent a solid 30 minutes debating how to spend my gift card (jacket, sweatshirt, or a 4th, 5th and 6th shirt that all look the same, by the same brand, just different style. I went with a combo jacket/hoodie, as I fear I will never look normal in a real winter coat. I got a fleeced lined hoodie that will keep my street cred in check. Amazingly, I walked out of Kohl's with $7 still on my gift card (I have self control). 

I then proceeded to hang out with the dogs and watch The Simpsons movie on HBO until it was time to go back to my Aunt's house and install an HDTV and TIVO. As part of my sweet manual labor day job, I have learned quite a bit about technology (this is a lie, everything I know about HDTV, I learned from the internet.) Thus I have become the go to guy for the family, which is fine, because for me it's easy, I get treated like royalty ("Oh MY, you know ELECTRONICS? You can match COLORS?" Yes, I can.) and I get paid. So I spent about an hour or so installing an HDTV and HD TIVO for my Aunt and Uncle and then proceeded to drag my mother to the mall so that I could buy a new pair of Vans. 

The mall parking lot literally had no spaces. We waited for a solid 15 minutes just to get into the parking lot, while my mother continued to ask "are you sure you want to do this?" Oh, I was sure, as there are no Vans shoe stores within 300 miles of North Carolina (interesting, considering that the local mall has approximately 8 shoe stores - 4 women, 1 Foot Locker and 3 stores that all have sort of abbreviation as a name and sell nothing but Lugz and $200/pair Nikes. I'm not sure, but I feel like that MAY not be my style.) 

Once we got into the parking lot, I told my mom to drop me off and drive around while I took 3 minutes to go get a pair of shoes. She pleaded no (apparently wanting to waste as much of my day as possible) and told me she didn't have her license. After trying to subdue the urge to scream "WHO DOESNT ALWAYS BRING THEIR LICENSE WITH THEM?" I calmly explained that the cops who monitor the parking lots aren't real cops, wouldn't pull her over anyway (unless she suddenly got a seizure and just plowed through child after child on the sidewalk) and probably weren't smart enough to read her license in the first place (perhaps give them a Bennigans discount card as a fake?).

I finally convinced her, ran up the escalator to find that the Vans store had two types of slip on shoes: colored and checkered. No patterns, nothing fancy (because I need a pair of fancy slip on sneakers) and so I left. It took me about 5 minutes of running around the parking lot looking for my mother, who apparently found a parking spot and, because I was not looking for a parked car, I totally missed. Then it was off to home to prepare for my evening with my friend Emily. 

I had had plans for New Jersey this trip. Reaching out to several friends to hang out in the weeks prior to the trip and securing loose plans (including a friend who I can only get a hold of once a year who, apparently (and braggingly) dates a guy in the band from the iPod commercial "I tried to do handstands for you.") In my 4 days, I saw 2 of these people, making my batting average about .200. One of these people was my dear friend Emily, who I hadn't seen in nearly a year. We were originally going to meet in NYC, but because getting into the city is about as fun as listening to Gavin Degraw yodel, we decided to meet "halfway" in White Plains NY. 

White Plains is a city, apparently, with a booming downtown area - complete with a Wal Mart on one side and the richest, fanciest mall on the other. We visited both, but not before I had my first encounter with a "The Container Store," which only sells containers. Fancy containers though, because I know when I'm organizing my old shitty t-shirts or CDs they need to have their own $4,000 coffin. Yeah, I'm not a "The Container Store" fan (also, because it's weird to write "a" and then "The Container Store.")

We visited the mall, which makes you pay for parking (classy) and started walking around looking for a place to eat, it came down to PF Chang's and a Diner. Considering PF Chang's is expensive we chose diner. Wrong choice. I had the honor of having the worst service ever at a restaurant. Below is a quick recap of the errs of the waitress:

- We are seated at a table that has not yet been cleared, including tip money from the last customer. 

- Our waitress doesn't even come to get our drink orders within the first 10 minutes of being seated. 

- Once she does come, we are not yet ready to order food, which obviously pisses her off and she walks away, bringing the drinks back 5 minutes later. She puts the drinks down without letting us order food and escapes. 

- A few minutes later Emily calls her over and we order, but not before she throws (yes literally throws) straws at us after Emily asks, "Could I please have a straw?" (Geez Emily, stop being such a bitch, using please and shit. You think you are better than me with your etiquette? THIS ASIDE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MIND OF OUR WAITRESS.)

- The food came out a short time later but sucked. The burgers were dry and of course they cost $10. My thoughts started to lust for $12 sweet and sour chicken. 

The diner also had this sweet donut inside. But that's about it as far as enjoyment factor. 

We then proceeded to walk around the mall which only held stores like "Gucci" and "Ann Taylor" and "Designer I've never heard of." Needless to say, we decided Wal Mart would be more fruitful. 

We got Wal-Mart and it was 2 floors! (Oh the city has such great nuances.) With the birth of this 2 floor invention comes the cart escalator. The cart escalator is located next to the regular escalators and works simply: push cart in, it will guide it slowly to the next floor for you. So Emily and I are headed downstairs and the guy behind us is having trouble getting his cart to go down (he doesn't see the "BROKEN" sign or he possibly couldn't read it, as Emily and I were the only white folk in the store.) He pushes the cart extra hard and it comes flying past me, barrels down through the doors at the bottom, designed to stop the carts, and smashes into a 40 something man who just stands there acting shocked as he waits for it to hit him. 

It hits him, square on. The combination of the rattling death cart and his thud to the ground will always be engrained in my memory. The man was hit, stumbled back and then possibly thinking he could make a scene, decided to fall and let out a loud groan. This being America, no one offered to help him up and I was just now reaching the end of the escalator, I was about to walk over and help him until I hear "DON'T MOVE. STAY DOWN. YOU CAN SUE!" followed by loud shouts for security. It was quite the site to see and totally made the 3 hour round trip worth it. 

Emily continued to stare as I continued to shop and when we went back upstairs 10 minutes later he was JUST getting up (his injury you ask? Embarassment.) Emily and I then proceeded to stand in the 12 Items or Less line for 20 minutes and even pulled off the always risky "switch lines because the other line is moving faster." Normally this doesn't work for me but I guess if an old man can get hit by a runaway metal cylinder, than anything is possible! It's Christmas time!

I then got a call from my Uncle that his new TV was broken and I offered to come look at on my way back from New York. An hour later, I arrive, unplug the Tivo, wait 30 seconds and wait for it to boot up and it looks to be working. I show them how to use Tivo and I quickly scurry back to my parents house. Deciding that I would be leaving the next morning (a full day early) because I couldn't bear sitting in my bedroom, waiting for my friends to call and risking a high school flashback that would surely end in tears and 4 hours spent listening to the entire Dashboard Confessional discography. 

Part 4 (The Final Chapter) tomorrow. 

Later in the week:

The Time I Went Christmas Shopping

and 

The Time It Became 2009

The Time I Went to New Jersey (Part 2)

Thursday - Christmas Day

I woke up Christmas morning with all the glee of a small child who really wanted a spongebob squarepants bicycle or a life size barbie (I secretly hoped I wouldn't be disappointed, like a 6 year old mormon girl would be disappointed getting a black life size barbie.) I had really asked for one thing this year, a blu ray player. As my obsession with technology has come to pass in the last few years, I have always wanted the blu-ray, scanning the Best Buy circular weekly to see what the price was. In November, I saw a blu ray player online for $129.99 and almost broke my fingers trying to type quick enough to buy it (luckily my single digit bank account kept me in check). I also was an early adapter to the HD DVD format which is now defunct (this fact still stings), so Blu ray would be my redemption. 

So Christmas morning was a big deal to me. I saw a bunch of presents in my pile and got overwhelmingly excited because since I hit college and became an "adult," Christmas just hasn't been the same as when I was a kid. My mom offered me my first gift. Blu Ray. Done and done. I didn't even need to open the rest of my presents Jesus gave me my one true gift (if this were over 2000 years ago it would be like getting Frankencense. Yeah, that awesome.)

The rest of my gifts included very adult things - a calendar, gloves, a new shower curtain (because mine had enough mildew to build it's own colony) and a vacuum, because I haven't vacuumed my apartment since Amelia moved out, which puts the dirt buildup at 6 months. I got my mom a bluetooth iPod speaker system for her new office (this would not have flown at her old office at Bloomberg, because the old office was really just a series of drones as far as the eye can see. No walls, no boundaries, I think they may have even sat on each other's laps). I got my dad his own sirius radio after that gift went over so well for my mom last year. I then helped him install it in his car while my mom made cinnamon rolls (our Christmas tradition). They were both quite pleased with the gifts (mostly because I'm an amazing gift giver) and I then took a nap before dealing with the extended family. 

The extended family celebration is normally dreaded by both my father and I (or at least it was when I was in high school.) My grandmother had somewhere between 8 and 18 siblings and most all of them came to my Aunt's house for Christmas dinner. As a kid, and even to this day, I suppose, there was no one within ...15 years of me. So I often entertained myself as the family got drunker and drunker. We'd all huddle in a small living room and dining room (made smaller by the fact that the dining room table was extended from one wall to the other so that 25 people could sit) and then eat catered food, just like jesus intended. 

This year was different though, there were 9 of us and only 7 I recognized. I hadn't been apart of this celebration in a few years, because we've had Christmas at the beach recently (I almost threw up in my mouth while typing that, it sounds so yuppie to say, "I summer in Nantucket and Winter in Supply, NC." I've been told Supply IS the Nantucket of the south, look it up, they even have their own grocery store!) I suppose people dropped out due to deaths (everyone in the family is over 60 except my parents and I) or marriage (my 2nd cousins 3 times removed all married later on in life) or odd trips to Qatar (I have nothing). So it was me and my parents, my aunt and uncle, my 2nd aunt and uncle and one of my aunt's sisters and her son? Maybe? I'm not sure he was pushing baldness but screamed "I'm A Jersey Shore Italian." (Two looks I hope to never see cross paths again). Everyone was nice, so the dinner went fine, but it was odd not having the whole family around. 

Several key elements came out of the conversation with the family, first - they discovered that I, unlike my parents, was a liberal and that I could now be accepted into the family (my mom's side of the family is very liberal, while my dad's side probably is preparing to move to the most conservative country in the world (which at this point is probably Iraq or Turkey or somewhere where women are shot for showing the skin of their hands during evening hours)). 

Secondly, I got the "Oh, when are you getting married?" thing. Which would normally be ok, but considering the fact that my MUCH younger cousin just got engaged and that I have no prospects for marriage on the horizon, well it made me think. "Oh god, I'm 23 and I'm at LEAST 3-5 years away from marriage. Oh god, I'm gonna die alone. There is no way I fill this timeline to my families liking. Shit." It's really not the best nugget (or nuggnut) to put in the head of a kid who has girl issues up the ying yang. Thanks family. 

Thirdly, my mom and extremely liberal vegetarian uncle had a 15 minute conversation about 9/11, very loudly in front of the entire dinner table. They didn't talk about conspiracy theories (thankfully), my mom commented that she now worked a block from the WTC site. At this point, people were ready to open presents and I was ready to leave. Mother kept on going, despite several interruptions from family saying "Is it dessert time? Is it gift time?" Nope. It wasn't it was time to talk about the most depressing tragic event of our lifetime on Christmas Day! Essentially, we just let the terrorists win. 

Finally, we opened presents, back in the day, I used to get a present from every family member, which was awesome. Then as I got older, only a few people gave me gifts and a few of them were very iffy (I got a model diecast car 2 years in a row. I hate cars. I was 13, not 8. I hate cars.) Now, I'm finally in the family grab bag, which means I give one gift and get one gift. This day and age everyone gives and gets gift cards and so, I gave a staples gift card and got a Vans gift card. We went home and I cuddled with my Blu Ray player while I slept. 

Part 3 Tomorrow. 

The Time I Went to New Jersey (Part 1)

The following is an account of my Christmas "vacation" "week." (I put both of these in quotes because is it every really a vacation when you have to drive 20 hours in 4 days and then spend time with family? And week was in quotes because it wasn't really a week vacation, because my jobs like to schedule me immediately after Christmas and ON New Years Day. And yes New Years is a national holiday, but who cares about that, let's schedule someone for an 1 GODDAMN hour of work on a national holiday, you know just to be annoying. And if I'm coming off bitter, it's because lemons have nothing on me at this point.)

Wednesday - 12/24

If there is something I love more than anything else in life it is traveling on major travel days throughout the year. I was forced to leave on the 24th because my full time job scheduled me on the 23rd (I should be grateful for this, because those 4 hours were about half of my total monthly hours. So the math looks like this: 

Full Time Employee - 160/month (roughly)

Kelson in December - 8 hours. 

Fun times. 

I woke up at 6 AM so that I could deal with the technology issues my computer was having. Two things happened in the days leading up to Wedensday. First, I discovered my computer takes about 15 minutes to boot up, which is probably the cause of a virus. The second, which was much more life threatening, was that I deleted about 70% of my music when transferring my 160 GB collection to a new harddrive. Fate smiled upon me because it only took me 10 years to collect and only 2 minutes to lose! There is a god!

The worst part was that I had purchased tons of movies and TV shows on iTunes including the great Dark Knight recently. (To be fair, I got a digital download copy of The Dark Knight and when I realized it was gone and I went into the dumpster outside of my apartment to try and find the garbage bag I threw out the day prior, to look for the code. Needless to say, with my luck, the garbage had been emptied that day. Yes, I'm desperate.)

At 7:15 I left the house to go pick up Lou in Chapel Hill as he was going to make the journey with me. I told him I'd be there at 8 and at this point I'd be willing to bet 70% of my music collection that he wasnt ready. I get a call from him at 8 and he tells me he just woke up. Now if only Satan would come through on that 70%....So I get there at 8:15 and he is actually ready and we leave. 

We make a stop at a restroom just into Virginia and it is NOT one of those fancy rest stops. This rest stop was probably transplanted from a high school gym that was built in 1948. The bathroom radiated heat when you opened the door and not just a normal heat, the stench that reminds you of changing in the locker room before gym class in high school (and if you were a chubby nerd in high school, these are not fond memories). I subdued my 'Nam like flashback and got back on the road. 

A few hours later we stop at a Wendy's and go inside because ordering for two people at a drive thru would make any fast food workers head explode. Lou orders and then I order and Lou gets his food as I'm ordering. I wait for my food in front of the "pick up area" and the lady puts a bunch of chicken nuggets in a bag (I ordered a burger) and shoves it at me. "10 Piece NUGGET." She stares at me when I don't take it. She then shoves the bag in my face "10 PIECE NUGGET." I say "not mine." And she proceeds to toss it on the table, before finally processing how to differentiate "burger" and "nuggets" on her screen. 

We hop back on the road and start cruising, Lou tries to convince me that its a 70 MPH zone so I can do 85. I punch Lou right in the sternum. He then whines about having to wear his seatbelt and does the thing you do when you are a child and puts the shoulder strap behind his back. (I momentarily debate taking his advice and going 85 into a tree or a semi. I decide against it). We reach Wilmington, DE which for some reason smells like a dumpster, oh wait, it's Wilmington Delaware, that's why. 

I needed to pick up my cousin in Philadelphia and so we used my fancy iPhone to navigate towards her fiancee's house. What she did not tell me is that he lives about 18 minutes off the highway and that 17 of those minutes are spent driving through a ghetto. This was a real ghetto too, bums on the corners, boarded up shops, a wine depot on each block and enough chain link fencing to make Michael Vick's dogs jealous. 

We find his house and park in the driveway. As we get out, we hear a tap on the window, but we don't see anybody so we keep walking. As we get to the door, a man comes up behind us and says " YOU PARKED IN MY DRIVEWAY." I say oh..I thought this was the driveway for this house. Not realizing, the house was a duplex (or that duplex's even existed.) He walked away and 1 minute later when we went to leave he was nowhere in sight. This man wasn't even trying to get out of the driveway. He was apparently just monitoring the driveway from his window, making sure no one parked in it. Merry Christmas!

When we finally got out of the sinkhole of Philadelphia we started to see snow. Lou and I both haven't seen real snow in ages and it was somewhat heart warming. I dropped Lou off and my cousin and I proceeded to her house, but not before stopping at Dunkin Donuts, where two 18 year old wiggers were manning the counter. The smaller one proceeded to hit on my cousin and even gave her a free donut, that according to her tasted "off". I insinuated that it was semen and I was probably not wrong. 

We finally got to her house around 6 PM, 11 hours after I left my house and proceeded to have a joyous family Christmas eve dinner. Highlights include:

- My aunt and uncle being shocked that I got them gifts for the first time ever (this was a theme for me this Christmas)

- Me cracking everyone up (which has been the theme of my life recently) 

- My father saying I should do stand up comedy, to which I responded I would be no good at and then my aunt coming up with the idea for "Dinner with Kelson," where my stand up comedy show would be random people having dinner with me and me ripping them apart. Look for that on off off broadway in 2 years (when the economy rebounds and I can get an old lady to front me $2 mil for this.)

Part 2 Tomorrow.