Tuesday, December 23, 2008

We're You Aware of It?

I have recently determined I am not a huge fan of the south. Maybe not the entire south, because I liked Elon well enough and Chapel Hill was cool. Hell, even Charlotte seems cool. Greensboro, not so cool and suburbs of Greensboro? Even less cool. I like saying cool, cool? So without further ado, a list of things I dislike about this area and the people that inhabit this area. (Some of the qualities are not necessarily relegated to Greensboro and Greensboro alone, but this is what people do here, so it makes the list). 

- More than several of the employees at one of my jobs like rap music. Now, I've never been a huge fan of rap music (except in Puff Daddy's hey day, of course) but I often don't fault people for liking it. I suppose my qualm here is that all of these fellows are white rednecks. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong in liking rap AND being a white redneck (although it does bring up several questions on relatability to the music). The problem lies within the fact that these guys toss around the n-word like its a deer carcass they just shot, and they are showing it off to all their friends! They don't do it in the "I'm trying to act black, let me say it" way they do it in the "I hate black people" way and that seems to create a juxtaposition. I will conclude this rant with a short story. 

An employee cranks the rap music and claims that this song (could've been Lil Wayne) is his favorite. No less than 3 seconds later his grandmother comes in and yells at him to "check his colors." I smell a racist!

- I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "NOPE" and "NOBAMA." Let's first put the fact that the election was 2 months ago out of our minds. Not everyone is for Obama, that's fine, but you aren't for Hope? Am I misunderstanding you sir, you would rather not have any hope here? (I was halfway shocked when there wasn't a pro-cancer bumper sticker next to it that said 'FUCK THE CURE')

- No one likes the NBA. Everyone likes college basketball and reference the NBA as "Nig Ball. (I'm not black and I find this insulting.)"

- Everyone fucking loves cars for some reason. You might live in a trailer park but you almost definitely own a pickup truck (for running over black people) AND a mustang (for running away from them). I've heard more car "shop talk" than I would ever like to hear again and every time I hear the word "carbeuorator I tense up and start to shiver. 

- People like guns. There is nothing like hearing casual conversation "Yeah, I carry a shotgun with me in my purse. I can show it to you right now, if you want."

 I dont like Greensboro suburbs. WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT? 

Back tomorrow with my shopping adventures. 

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Time I Purchased My First Pornographic Video

As a youth, at the tender age of 18 years, 0 days and 0 hours old, I purchased what would be my first pornographic magazine. I reveled in the experience, even "upgrading" to something I hadn't seen before. I chose Penthouse, mainly because I had seen Playboy, and let's face it, I was 18 and I was ready for something more...classy.

That thought process was incorrect. Absolutely incorrect. I was not, nor will I ever be, ready to attempt to masturbate to a girl on her back, legs akimbo, shooting urine out of her vagina (I know the urine doesn't ACTUALLY come out of the vagina, but as a 23 year old, I'm still very unclear as to how that entire region works.) So for simplicity any sort of colored fluid coming out of any nether region is kind of disgusting. I will never forget sitting in the gas station next to the 7-Eleven in Somerville, NJ trying not to vomit as the magazine was pressed against the wheel and pee was seemingly flying at my face. Not good times.

My next awkward porn experience (not including several trips to Hooters, but those are chronicled here) came when I purchased a 13" combo TV from a black lesbian who may or may not have dealt drugs. I bought the TV for $20 and it had a huge burn on the front of it from "incense." I did not ask questions I wanted a 4th televison for my 1 bedroom apartment. Anyway, the TV contained a ...sexually explicit film from "DJ Yellow." (The tape was yellow too! Clever marketing wins again!) It was basically a hardcore black porn mixtape, with a cast of amateurs that made the actors in Four Christmases all seem like the venerable Ben Affleck. It was disgusting.

Ironically, it wasn't disgusting enough to NOT watch. My roommate found the same gross pleasure in watching obese black woman go down on unfathomable black penises while cameraman were clearly visible in the shot because of all the mirrors in these classy hotel rooms. We saw a lot of things we can never un-see (a pierced clitoris anyone?) and as a result of that, wanted to make sure that everyone that ever came over to our apartment would be made uncomfortable and eventually wanted to pour salt in their eyes.

The tape would subtly pop on during parties and guests would be confused as to why there were 2 televisions and watch for about 15 seconds before they realized what they were witnessing. Then Scott and I would hide the remote and cackle hysterically as different reactions turned up from our friends. Most of them were disgusted, a few found it funny and all immediately wanted it turned off.

Eventually the tape disappeared when a certain 3rd roommate took (and theoretically burned) the tape because his parents were coming and he could not bear the slight chance they decided to turn on our piece of shit TV and hit the play button on the VCR. That brings me to this weekend. For years, the internet has provided me with endless amounts of free porn but on Friday night I bought my first real porn tape.

I was sitting on my couch after a stressful night at work and I was bored. So bored that I started flipping through the "On Demand" channels on the cable box. Now it gets confusing because some of them are pay channels and some like "HD Showcase" are free and let's be honest I'll watch anything in HD (some might even argue you haven't lived until you've seen a meerkat give birth on National Geographic channel). I eventually arrived at the Adult on Demand and the idea of HD porn intrigued me to no end.

I clicked to see if there was any free porn and there was. A preview for all the different adult shows on that channel and apparently there are a TON of adult reality shows. I'm pretty sure there was one where a whore would go to an office and just fuck all the men, I'm not sure how this is NOT rape, but it's Adult on Demand, anything goes. There were several other short trailers that I can't remember and then I started to leaf through the channels within the channel. Amateur, MILFs, Large Black Cocks (it was really quite a smorgasbord of porn, tastefully done of course.) I clicked to the Amateurs section and was appalled by the selection until I came across a name I remembered from my youth, Briana Banks.

Now, I'm definitely not a porn connisseur (remember first porn I've ever bought), but through the internet and my listenership of Howard Stern I knew that Ms. Banks brought the goods. She was a real class act. There was a button at the bottom that side buy and I didn't really want to but for some reason I hate "B" to see what happened (I'm not sure of my though process here, buy it or don't buy it, there is no 3rd option). Magically it bought the movie and started loading, I immediately felt a pang of regret because I wasn't even in the mood for masturbating.

The regret got much deeper when I saw the price that will now appear on my next cable bill. I hope it read likes this:

Briana Banks Goes Amateur or Something
Purchased at 1 AM (By a lonely man).
COST: $10.99.

What made it even worse was that it was only available for a day or something. So I basically had to watch it then and there, and away I went. As soon as the video started I felt more regret as this wasn't HD at all. Even worse, apparently amateur doesn't mean, "young starlets in their first films", it means "hey we fucking shot this with a webcam glued to the side of Briana Banks' thigh, have fun watching balls slap assholes for the next hour."

And that's really all it was, balls and assholes for an hour. I fast forwarded the entire movie hoping to find one scene to masterbate to. However I came up empty and was forced to watch Briana Banks and 3 other terribly ugly girls get ass raped by 2 different guys in weird locations like a warehouse, a bed in the middle of a warehouse, a desk in the dungeon from Saw. I saw all of this in 4x speed because my cable box wouldn't let fast forward any faster.

So, if you happen to be interested in dating me and want to know my sexual interest, lets wrap this up:

No balls in assholes
No peeing AT or ON me.
No pierced Clitorii
No large black dicks.

I will never buy porn in any form ever again, mark my words.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Time I Hung Out With Britney Spears for One Hour and 30 Minutes of My LIfe and Then Immediately Wanted That Hour and 30 Minutes Back

By now, you should be well aware of my hatred for Ms. Britney Spears. Throughout my life she has been nothing but a burden (albeit a hysterical burden) and my seething hatred for this beast culminated on the night of the 08 VMA's when Britney Spears inexplicably won every award she was nominated for (this may or may not have included best new artist (reborn)). Britney TV would later go on to air a special to ensure that every American would love Britney again and of course I decided to numb my eyes and ears for awhile to live blog it. 

4:36 PM - The show opens with this "On the eve of the 2008 MTV VMA's Britney Spears "invited" a camera crew into her life (this is code for MTV threatned that she would never be a star again, unless she let them film her crazy). 

The film you're about to see (blow your brains out to) was captured over the next 60 days that followed. No topic was off limits (except drugs, sex, Kevin Federline, Justin Timberlake, Shaving Her Head and the 2 or 3 children she had). No question went unanswered (because the answers are edited out). 

4:39 PM - Mondrian Hotel - Britney looks out over a window in her $1500/night hotel room, feel bad for her people! SHES CRAZY. 

4:40 PM - Britney lets us know that she doesn't want people to think she's crazy, there have been some misconceptions (we WERE NOT supposed to take the head shaving thing the way we did). 

BRITNEY FOR THE RECORD (AKA one long infomercial for her new album). 

4:41 - Britney's Dad apparently lives with her and makes her grits, he explains what grits are and proceeds to wear a wifebeater and sunglasses inside around his neck. Britney loves the grits. 

4:42 - Britney prepares for her big night of her forced comeback. Britney doesn't believe this is a comeback, because she never really went away, except for those last 5 years where she didn't have a hit record. 

4:44 - Britney's trust has been battered and shes grown up "big time". Well you ARE 27, welcome to the real world. AT this point the gritty documentary shows how Britney is nervous before her big night, in her dressing room with 20 assistants taking care of her every whim. 

4:46 - She admits she's lonely and that why she let strange people run her life and she wants it to end, because shes been paying for it for too long....Millions of dollars and a year a later she thinks its been too long. I hope someone knocks her back down to reality, maybe stick her in a trailer in Louisiana. She'll learn. I swear she will. 

4:48 - Britney tries out dancers for her new tour or video or something. What this really is, is a try out for a new husband. 

4:49 - Britney has good days AND bad days. (MTV SAYS SHES JUST LIKE US). 

4:50 - Holy shit she said the word Justin. She admits that when she got dumped she had no idea what do, but to be fair I'd feel the same way if a white man with corn rows dumped me. Holy shit, she just said Kevin (MTV PUSHING BOUNDARIES). She didn't take that breakup well (I was unaware of that). 

Nothing is really happening at the moment and I already want to turn this drivel off. I have realized that Britney kinda has fat arms (its tougher to airbrush video than photos). 

4:53 - Britney got married for the wrong reasons (cock) and it lead her on a "weird path." She never got to see him. Wouldn't that be a good thing?

4:54 - Britney apparently recorded her entire album in like a week in September, 2 months before the cd comes out. Real musicians spend 2 years writing and recording an album. (MTV SAYS BRITNEY IS A REAL ARTIST). 

4:56 - Oh god, shes talking about the shaved head scenario. She claims that everyone shaves their head and that its no ones business but the crack reporter interviewing her decides not to ask the obvious follow up question (then why did you shave your head at a public hair salon and give the paparazzi a face that will forever be compared to batboy.)

4:59 - Dancing is spirtual for Britney and Britney needs to learn to make herself happy (soundtrack provided by Four Tet) and it's getting real heavy in here with this techno/piano backbeat. 

5:01 - Britney calls herself an artist. No joke necessary. 

I'm skipping the commercials for blog sake but we are 25 minutes of content in and on the 5th commercial break. Have I mentinoned I hate MTV? If you are wondering if I'm in fact supporting MTV by blogging and DVR-ing this show, I am not. I took the liberties of downloading this program as illegaly as possible to ensure MTV would get no money at all. 

5:04 - Britney can't go anywhere y'all! (MTV SAYS: FEEL BAD FOR BRITNEY SHE MAKES MILLIONS BUT SHE CANT WALK DOWN STREET TO SPEND SAID MILLIONS. SHE CAN NOT INTERNET SHOP BECAUSE SHE IS UNAWARE OF SAID INTERNET). 

5:05 - Britney tries out her new fragrance but gives a smelly face while saying "I like it."

5:06 - Britney is stalked by paparazzi and this is actually a little frightening how many there are. Sidebar: Who in their right, moral mind would become a paparazzi photog? "Hey, I know, I'll stalk people for a living, make them fear for their lives, battle 50 other people doing the same exact thing and maybe get paid $1000 for the picture." This session concludes with an angry black man yelling at Britney's people for not letting him take a picture of her. 

5:09 - Interviewer calls Britney a victim but she claims she is not and then he says "oh I didn't mean that, I meant you are stronger than that." A million dollars said this interviewer is her father. 

5:11 - Britney goes shopping and apparently doesnt remember her wardrobe at home. Britney then proclaims that she will retire and be a lawyer. (MTV SAYS: LOOK AT THIS FUN, SHOPPING BRITNEY. SHE SHOPS LIKE YOU EXCEPT WITH MORE ZEROS IN HER BANK ACCOUNT.)

5:14- Britney enjoys a night at the theatre. Followed by 100 of her closest friends with cameras. Sometimes she just likes to be spontaneous y'all. 

5:16 - Britney was a "cool chick," back in the day but the paparazzi took that all away from her. SIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. She likes going out but she cant stay too long because its not real!

5:17 - Britney films Womanizer with her father looking on (this time sporting TWO pairs of sunglasses inside, and around his neck.) He calls his daugther a hooker. She would later prove this true by stripping down naked in front of him and writhing around in a bathroom naked for the video.

5:18 - Britney starts cracking jokes and her assistants are forced into uncontrollable laughter. (MTV SAYS: BRITNEY IS SO FUNNY SHE SHOULD STAR ON THE CHAPPELLE SHOW OR BLUE COLLAR COMEDY, MTV IS NOT SURE WHICH.)

5:21 - Britney sleeps in. Sometimes she has a hard time waking up. "How you deal and cope? I Just cope everyday." She is afraid her happiness will be taking away, once and for all proving she is a pop construct that could be filled by anyone with a vagina Double D's and blond hair (Jessica Simpson). 

5:22 - Britney starts to cry. "I'm sad." Everyday is like groundhog day and she can't do what she wants. Apparently Britney is 12 inside after blowing her early 20's on her own snorting cocaine thrown 12 foot golden straws and blowing Kevin Federline on a bi monthly basis. 

5:25 - Britney is bordering on saying that she hates her children and hated going home to them. They'll look back on this someday and learn to hate their mother, just like Uncle Kelson. Speaking of her children, they haven't made an appearance yet and we are at Day 49 of 60. Did she just abandon them for 2 months?

5:28 - Madonna gets interviewed. I am so bored right now, I've started updating my resume to see if I can become a pop star. Would I like good with frosted tips? Check yes___ or no___. 

5:30 - Apparently Madonna fake plays guitar at her concerts. This is an interesting subplot. 

5:31 - Britney dresses up as ???? for Halloween, Elvira maybe? Britney claims its someone named Veronia Newbeach. I think its an alter ego. Less than a minute later Daddy Spears comes up to the side door in a scary as shit, I'm gonna rape you Clown Mask and belly bearing referee jersey. Needless to say, he scares the children and Britney finds it HILARIOUS. (MTV SAYS: WE WILL CREATE A MOTHER OF THE YEAR AWARD AT THE VMAS NEXT YEAR JUST SO BRITNEY CAN WIN.)

5:34 - Britney chooses to be a happy person, strange because 20 minutes ago she hated herself and her kids. 

5:35 - Britney gets silly again kids. She's filming a video for "Circus" and playing around with hairspray (what she isn't saying is that she is very familiar with hairspray, not applying it to her head though, just huffing it. 

5:37 - Britney nods her head like a crazy person to try to convince us she's ok. They are starting to wrap this up by saying how strong Britney is and how shes BACK. She ends her segment by saying she goes through life like a karate kid. SHES SO FUNNY. Let's check in with MTV for the last word. 

MTV SAYS: BRITNEY USED TO BE YOUR HERO 10 YEARS AGO KIDS, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? WELL OUR RATINGS OUR SAGGING AFTER THE LAST THREE INFERNO'S ENDED IN SOME UNTIMELY AND UNFORTUNATE DEATHS, SO NOW BRITNEY IS BACK AND MTV WILL ONCE AGAIN BE A MUSIC CHANNEL (FOR BRITNEY). OUR NEW WINTER LINEUP WILL INCLUDE HER TWO NEW VIDEOS EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR BACK TO BACK, AS WELL AS DAILY AIRINGS OF BRITNEY FOR THE RECORD (TO PROVE EVERYDAY HOW NORMAL SHE REALLY IS). YOU LOVE BRITNEY, WE LOVE BRITNEY, PLEASE WATCH US AGAIN. 


Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Time I Went Out

It's not often that agoraphobic recluses like myself venture out into the wild (aka, public). So this weekend's outing was quite deserving of a blog post. Let's recap all of Saturday's action: 

11 AM - Go to work at the Pizza place, work the worst shift possible (11 AM to 4 PM) and deal with a bunch of unruly customers that decided to be unruly for the sake of being unruly. How were they unruly you ask? Well, I made two deliveries to a school and in the combination of those two deliveries had to deal with:

1. Pizzas "slid" around in the box (confusing because the pizzas literally have no room to move in the box and I didn't flip them over and try to shake them like they do to your Blizzards at your local Dairy Queen establishment. So...yea). 

2. Pizzas were late (even though my ticket said "DROP PIZZAS OFF AT 11:30" and I was there at 11:30 on the dot, I still had to hear "Oh good they are FINALLY here," as I thought to myself "oh good I hope they FINALLY cut your ovaries off from drinking semen.") What made this worse was the simple fact that the store opens at 11 and 15 pizzas dont get magically made in 20 minutes. They were lucky to get them that early. 

3. Something weird about the price, the lady at my store claimed that we gave them a price that was too cheap, chastised us for it, even though the order was placed the day before and none of us were there, and wrote in bold letters on the new order THIS IS FOR A CHURCH. I was told to tell them about the price difference when I went back (I was very excited at this opportunity, because clearly they were not nit picking anything.)It turns out that the SCHOOL I was delivering to was a school and not a CHURCH and the first price was right, so I had to deal with them giving me less money than my ticket said and not being sure that it was gonna work out when it came time to cash out. 

4. When I went to the school each time, they took my copy of the receipt (they don't get a copy unless they request one before hand, which they did not) then called the store to claim they didnt get a receipt and then when I asked them about it in person, they didn't know what I was talking about. 

5. The second time I went, the pizzas were not marked on the outside AND were cut into the wrong number of slices even though we had a clear discussion at the store about the correct number of slices. "THIS IS IN 16th's NOT 8th's." Even though it was actually in 12ths, school events = good math!. 

Later on, I got to drive back to a house after delivering wings because I did not put a packet of ranch in the bag and of course these trailers dont have refrigeration and are unable to keep ranch dressing of their own. 

I also got to go on a delivery where I was greeted by a woman wearing a half mask and a tracheotomy tube. She spoke normally, but invited me in and explained why she wasnt giving me a good tip (the holidays). Funny, I would've gone with the economy or the tube in your throat. By the time I got back to the store, she had called to say that the pizzas looked horrible and she wanted another one (but instead of getting 2 Large again, she got 1 medium), I took it back had to deal with her throat hole blinking at me and departed to go to job number 2 to prepare for our office Xmas party. 

4 PM - Xmas party setup.

The joyous part of doing manual hotel labor is that people like to have company Xmas parties on weekends in December to ensure that you do not get a vacation. Also joyous, was the fact that we had OUR company Xmas party and I had to setup (and later on, clean) for it. If you are wondering how this ranks on the shitty scale, I would say about an 8.5. It goes like this "Hey we got this free meal for you, BUT you are gonna have to prepare the meal and then clean all of your own and all of your co-worker's dishes, but Merry Christmas!" Honestly, I would rather belly slide down a gravel hill, but that's the way the Christmas party shitacular crumbles. 

Also fun to note that I have some how had to work 3 out of 7 weekends (instead of 3 out of 9) and it's ALWAYS my weekends that are busy, I would say 1 out of the other 4 weekends were busy, and my weekends (when I'm the only one who works) are filled with doing fun things like collecting 65 easels and cleaning up over 1000 ft of cable for a party for my co workers. Good times!

5:30 - I had to return home to get ready for the party and I will skip the rest of this part for fear of real life consequences. Just know that I thought I actually resembled a young, slightly overweightish Brad Pitt (but not really Brad Pitt, I just thought I looked reasonably fuckable). I also killed it on the comedy scale, but this was aided by an open bar for my co workers and a sheer awkwardness that would make even the stalwart Tim McGraw on Saturday Night Live cringe (if you missed his appearance a few weeks ago, be aware that there is a HUGE reason he always wears a cowboy hat that may or may not be related to Brokeback Mountain.)

9 PM - Going out. 

My dear friend Ryan Boyd was on some sort of fanatical soul searching/looking for prostitutes road trip with his friend who wants to be a cop in DC (high crime rates be damned!). He invited me to McCouls, which I went to reluctantly, but went because the Xmas party blew. I arrived and was immediately shaken because I couldn't find him and when I did, he was eating at a table that had no available chairs, also I wasn't aware this was a dinner function. Stay calm Kelson, stay calm. 

I chatted Ryan up a bit, made some homosexual gestures to get him to feel just a little uncomfortable and settled into a comedic grove that can only be described as heroin era Chris Farley. (Apparently regaling people with stories from my blog is a good ice breaker, also loud shouts at inappropriate times and looking attractive enough to make women not want to instantly vomit their Irish Car Bombs up.) I realized that I kind of/sort of knew everyone there.

There was Ryan (roommate of my ex girlfriend), Jenn (friend of my ex girlfriend), Casey (ex girlfriend of a kid I knew 4 years ago, Kelsey (I once sang her a bedtime song 3 years ago and then we had an art class), Bethany (ex girlfriend of Ryan) and Kiersten (friend of Ryan who I had previously met.) Aside from telling my stories, like an Nam vet reliving the war, I showcased the endless possibilities of my iPhone (again I will be writing a 10,000 word essay on why this phone is awesome), played gay porn hunt and preceded to bring a round of merriment to all involved, which is kind of like Satan chaperoning girl scouts on his day off (doesn't happen often, mostly because Satan works so hard). 

I also fell in love with the bartender, which some people might find normal considering my pension for brunettes, but this brunette was different. He had a beard. And an emo swoop. Oh, be still my heart, he was controlling the music all night and his iPod was basically a mirror of mine. I dreamed out loud that I hoped he liked me and then I told him I didn't drink when he started taking orders and he said do you want a coke, its on the house? (I said no, trying to play coy). Later, I went up to the bar, asked for a coke and it WAS on the house (OMG HE LIKES ME). I gave him a $3 tip and decided that I needed him in my band, when I asked if he played he said he used to and that he used to play metal. GAH! So close, I told him his iPod rocked and he told me it rocked like high school and I might have screamed that I love high school and at this point he probably thought I was lying about not drinking or that I had a pension for Ecstasy. Either way, I did not see him the rest of the night. 

I started to get tired, started seeing Ryan less and started taking pictures with girls. I tried a variety of poses - the "crawling on top of you, here's my nipple" pose, the "turkey double chin" pose, the "creepy passer by in the background" and the "bloated John Belushi after 6 oz of heroin, 12 Big Macs and no shaving period, period." pose.

I decided I needed to go home because I had to go wash my co workers dirty dishes at 6 am the next morning and I got home at 12. 


Skip 5 hours and I finally get to sleep. 

6 AM - Wake up, damning myself for going out and then realizing that I don't drink and that I half admire all of you who do this on a weekly basis. Then again, you don't have to clean the shit out of your co workers diapers (while your co workers presumably sleep till 2 pm) early the next morning. 

The moral of the story is that I had fun and I would like to start hanging out with "people" in "bars" more in the "future." So please invite me, I promise I will make an undrunken scene and then write admiringly about you later on in this very blog! Win, win for all!