The Time I Was Greeted By A Pair of Cutoffs to the Face

I have now been delivering pizza's for a solid 3 weeks. I average about 6 or 7 deliveries a night and at least 1 or 2 have a story worth noting behind them. However, this Saturday I was officially inducted into the Delivery Drivers Club when I was given 12 deliveries in a 4 hour period (this, by the way is not a large amount of deliveries for a Saturday night, but I will pretend like it is for effect). Anyway, 3 customers stood out in one way or another that night. Below is a brief recount of my 3 most awkward deliveries of the night.

Delivery 1 - This was NOT the first delivery of the night, rather the first interesting delivery. I was already about an hour or so into my shift and I got a call to go to Piedmont Estates. Sounds classy right? Think again. I have been to 3 or 4 different "houses" in Piedmont Estates so far as a delivery driver. It's about 2 minutes from the restaurant and everytime I go I wonder why these people don't just drive (or WALK) down the road. I feel like if you live in a trailer park you don't have excess money to spend on frivolous things like tips or pizza and the money would be better spent on window repairs or lawn cleaning (most trailers in the Estates seem to have a constant yard sale going).

Anyway I get to the "driveway" which seems to be grass with some rocks thrown in, to spite my cars delicate tires. The trailer is set about 25 feet back from where the driveway ends and so I have to meander my way through a field of grass to get to the steps of the trailer. Now comes the fun part, the last step does not meet the edge of the trailer, so if you are standing on the top step you would have to step up again to get into the trailer. Thus, while standing on the top step I am looking up at whoever may open the door. I knock. Much to my chagrin an old man looking about 62 and missing a fair amount of teeth (but making up for it in the straggly hair and beard department!) answered. He was wearing cut off jean shorts (or JORTS as Amelia likes to call them) and they seemed to stop right about Taint level on him, which was about eye level on me. Upon further inspection his package seemed to be ummm...erecting itself and the zipper on said Jorts was nowhere to be found. He handed me some moist dollar bills and I quickly thanked him and ran across the field to my waiting Hybrid. While I am not currently feeling any side effects I wouldn't be surprised if I go into cardiac arrest while watching Silence of the Lambs or Deuce Bigalow in the future.

Delivery 2 - The next delivery was immediately following the first. It came in a backwoods area about 12 minutes from the restaurant. I started out the delivery by getting lost (like I normally do) and proceeded to eventually pull up to a ranch house with 6 cars parked out front (including one with a European style plate). As I get out I notice two guys laying on the ground behind a 4-wheeler with guns (not aimed at me). They glance at me and then instantly shoot their guns at their target. I assume that they had not ordered the pizza since they couldn't be bothered to look at me and I head to the front door. As I grow closer to them one pulls out money and hands it to me, rifle and facemask in hand. I retreat to the car to watch them pull the triggers, get out and check the target and proceed to neglect the pizza. I wasn't in any danger, but I prefer my deliveries to be gun free. That's just me.

Delivery 3 - I suppose these deliveries happened in reverse order of interest to the reader. So I am sorry for my poor story telling, but I just couldn't lie to you (especially when I look in your eyes, so brown. So fucking brown.) So I get a delivery all the way to the other side of town and the house is still in the boondocks (yes this whole area is farm and hideous countryside). As I drive down the winding driveway I finally find the house and its subsequent 6 car carage filled with old trucks and the like. A boy of about 12 immediately comes out from the trees and so I figure I'll give him the total, his parents might've given him the money. But alas, he says "oh you'll have to get my dad." While I start walking to the door he pesters me about having a hybrid and says "it's useless and pointless." I decide not to shiv him and proceed to the back door. He then starts telling me how his mom car sucks and his dad hates it. I am standing here waiting for 2 minutes while he yammers away and out of the dark garage his mom comes out and utters "y'all aint been paid yet? Goddamn let me get him." There is nothing I love more than a family who appears magically from trees.

Has there been a memoir of a delivery boy? Has one ever made it to the age of writing comprehension? This is one night of stories, imagine what the lifers have to say. Fingers crossed, in another 40 years that will be me!