The Time Experience Ikea

Have you ever been to an Ikea store? (That doesn't look right, it must be all in caps. IKEA. Bingo bango, that's it!) Well have you? For years, I had only dreamed of the wonders of IKEA. The equation in my head always went something like this.

Trendy Furniture + Cheap + Swedish = Better than eating paste.

Unfortunately for me, I never experienced the store first hand. I had seen catalogues and even the real piece here and there. But as time wore on and pop culture became prevelant in my life, IKEA seemed to become the butt of many jokes (many aimed at the great country of Sweden). Below is a memory by memory recap of my recent trip to IKEA in Virginia somewhere. (No I did not drive 5 hours just to go to IKEA, but YES we planned our trip back home around going TO IKEA. Also note that there will be an IKEA opening in Charlotte in less than 10 months. I wouldn't be lying if I said I screeched like a small girl at a Hannah Montana Hustler Magazine signing (coming soon to a Barnes & Noble store near you in 2 years)).

On the way back home from Maryland, Amelia and I planned to stop at IKEA. Amelia already fully embraces the ways of the Swedes (with roughly 70% of her furniture supplied by IKEA). We pull off I-95 at some exit just outside of Washington DC and I check to make sure my adult diaper is in place. (What added to the excitement was that you could see IKEA from the highway and then when you get off the exit it's no where in site and you have to find it. It's like a mini adventure or "Legends of the Hidden Temple" as I like to call it.) Anyway, we find IKEA, sitting proudly in it's mile long blue building, 3 floors high.

The store had it's own parking garage, not part of any other mall or store or anything, a whole entire deck devoted just to IKEA. Could this be better? We get to the entrance steps and it's anti climatic and enthralling at the same time. I kept feeling like I was about to enter something glorious, but there is no big door that slides open. You walk up a flight of stairs and boom, you are in the living room section. I still saw some awesome things on the horizon, but immediately it was a bit of a let down (however, this did not stop me from letting out a squel and squeezing the blood out of Amelia's arm).

Amelia explained how the store works (third floor is where you start - you get to look at all the furniture as it's meant to be layed out. Then you mark what you want and pick it up on the second floor (which is basically a huge warehouse). As we went through the store we passed bedrooms, bathrooms, living rooms and it was all really cool. The furniture looked fantastic, however I wasn't blown away until they started showing full apartments.

600 sq ft. Not alot, smaller than my apartment now. However, the IKEA floorplan for a 600 sq ft, 1 bedroom, 1 bath, 1 kitchen, 1 living room and a foyer was awe inspiring. Never in my life did I think you could fit that much stuff into such a small space. Things turn into other things, things pop out of ceilngs and from under beds. (I'm hoping the birth of my first child will be sponsored by IKEA, he will be set with toys for life since these things are like real life Transformers.)

A few items that were especially unique included a headboard for a bed that included a roll out bookshelf from the sides of the headboard. Imagine the thrill of just reaching behind you and pulling out a full bookcase. Phenomenal. (I'm surprised the store doesn't hand out tissues for all premature ejaculation/tears of joy that must go on in the place.) The next piece that really stood above and beyond was a cabinet that had a slide out piece that then flipped into an ironing board. Do I iron? No. Do I like ironing boards? No. But the fact that this thing can transform from a simple cabinet to an ironing board, may go down as the greatest achievement in history. (I'm a simple man).

As the hours progressed I got more bored and more stiff. Because of the great qualities that IKEA possesses (low prices, cool looking things and really really cheap food, the quality of customer was about what you expect: poor to Upper Middle class with an emphasis on poor.)
The store was so extremely packed that we couldn't move a cart through the store without being nearly mauled by a fat trailer park queen behind us. Amelia and I each picked out some simple things - including a ceiling light for my bedroom and we proceeded to check out. (I haggled with myself about buying a desk or something cool, but at the end of the day it was too expensive. Yes I regret this decision because I'm typing right now with my keyboard on a bookcase.)

As we checked out, I noticed the foot section, which included full meals for $1.99. IKEA you are unreal. They also had snacks for a dollar including a delicious soft serve ice cream and free Swedish samplers (yes this included Swedish Fish.) As we left, we were followed by a car who desperately wanted our space that was about 5 minutes away from the front door. Yes folks, IKEA is a zoo. (As I typed that sentence, I sincerely wonder how many people secretly live in IKEA or at least spend literally all day there, eating dollar snacks and frightening people by jumping out of half toilet/half TVs. As I typed THAT sentence, I realized I just read an article about someone who lived in IKEA recently. Believe me, you really could live in IKEA.)

The experience was quite overwhelming (they let no natural sunlight in the building) and as we left I think I was high on Scandanavian joy and drunk from the lack of oxygen/light. It was fantastic and I want to furnish my life with these products. So I began to do just that. The next day I tried to install the ceiling light. Below is bulleted list of what happened:

- Shocked myself because I didn't turn off the circuit breaker
- Dropped the light while trying to tie the cables together.
- Finally got the cables to stay and then spent a good 45 minutes trying to get the lamp to screw on right
- Once the lamp was screwed on we knocked the circuit breaker on and voila, light. Until I realized the light switch was off. Yes, that's right. The light switch in my room only controls two outlets and not the overhead light. This would mean that the light would constantly be on, unless we had a pull chain to turn it off (we don't).
- I decided I wanted to put the cover back on, just to see how it looked. As I did that, I smashed the bulb (too thick) by pressing the cover too hard with my brutish force. Thus I currently have a smashed light bulb sitting in a fixture that took about 2 hours total to put up. The bad news: I'm a moron and a questionable man at best. The good news: I can shop for my next ceiling fan at IKEA.