The Time I Became An NC Resident

I often reference my own not so secret sobbing fits in this very blog, but never have these crying outbursts been made public. Enter the North Carolina DMV. You see, I have been living "illegally" in North Carolina for over a year now (and according to a cop who pulled me over during my junior year, I need an NC license if I go to SCHOOL down here. Apparently he doesn't quite get the whole established residency thing.) Regardless, once I DID establish permanent residence I neglected to get the license (wishful thinking that I would not be living in NC for a long time). Well with my recent car troubles and pizza delivery on the horizon it was imperative I get an NC license. What follows is the true story.

T-Minus 5 days after the tonsilectomy and I'm doing pretty good. I am able to do everything except eat real food and so I decided to make today (Monday) an errand day before I go back to work tomorrow. Last night I studied for the drivers test with a cheat sheet found on www.jaytomlin.com (I dont know this man, I was just given this website. Repeat, I do NOT know this man.) I researched when the DMV opened and directions and tucked myself in tight!

I woke up around 6 AM to do some more studying (just like college!) and get all my documents together (SS Card, Old License, Insurance Card and Proof of Residence). I get to the DMV around 7:20 AM and I am the third one there. After about 10 minutes people start lining up/my car starts running out of gas, so I get out and lineup. Third! This is gonna be great - no long waits, I've got all my paperwork, I've studied the test...However, the DMV obviously smells this reckless abandon I'm currently sporting and decides to shut me down.

They open at 8:01 AM SHARP and let us in. The first person goes up to the desk and after about 2.4 seconds is jettisoned for having the wrong papers. NEXT. The second kid was waiting for his mommy and she had not yet returned. NEXT. My turn, I explain I'm getting a license transfer and I hand her all my paperwork (in order that the website asks for it) and she immediately shuffles all of them up (think 52 card pick up) and asks what "this" is. (This being my proof of residence.) I tell her and she says "What does the K stand for?" "Kelson" "Do you have documents to prove this?"

So I pull out my wallet and show her my bank card (with Photo ID) that says W. Kelson Fagan. There is no way this could be someone else. She now has my SS Card - William K Fagan(pretty sure they only give you one, but ok lets play the possible identity theft game), my OLD LICENSE with photo ID - William K. Fagan, a bank issued credit card with photo ID - W. Kelson Fagan as well as various other cards that indicated I was a human, had insurance and was a member of the Hillsborough, NJ public library system. Maybe they don't teach detectiving at the DMV, but a normal human being could piece together that I was indeed the Kelson Fagan.

Incorrect. I need my birth certificate or something that has my full name on it. I tell her I've been waiting for 45 minutes and she said "uh huh" (kind of like famous comedian Mo'Nique would say it) and tells me to come back. NEXT.

It was at this point that the water works started to well. I had been waiting nearly and hour and was left to walk out in front of the line of people I just stood in front of for that hour. What made it worse was the public shaming I took and the fact that she basically threw my forms of ID back at me (picture a hobo who just found a wallet, that's me!). Thus I got back in the car, held the tears and drove home to find my birth certificate. I found it and decided whether I should go back immediately. I mean..who wants to wait another 45 minutes?

I decide to stick my balls back in their sack and went back. As I got there, I looked through the paperwork and realized the insurance card I grabbed was last years. Fearing another meltdown on my part I decided driving back home AGAIN and driving back would be too much, so I went in and hoped they wouldn't see it. I get back in line and wait 4 minutes. Apparently beating the crowd really isnt worth it. Once I get my papers checked I'm given a number and wait another 3 minutes. Once I get called the guy goes through my papers and gives me the eye test (I didn't know what a railroad crossing sign was (it was just a yellow circle). He then told me to go take the test.

Touch screen! This can't be so bad. I answer the first one right and then proceed to get the next two wrong (one question was this: A Safe Driver: A) Constantly checks their rearview and side mirrors B) Stays 200 feet behind the car in front of them C) Nonsense. I chose B, thinking that you should stay a greater distance away than you actually think and if you CONSTANTLY check your mirrors you may miss what's on the road in front of you.) You need to get 20 out of 25 to pass and I've already missed 2 of 3. 4 more and I fail.

Luckily I rip off 20 in a row and pass with flying colors. I then go back to the man who gave me my eye test and he asks what background I want (I chose an airplane!) He asks for $32 and I bust out the ole debit card. No he says. Cash or check only. (I DID read on their website that this was the case but the license was only $4/year and I had enough for 5 years worth in cash.) Apparently you have to buy 8 years at a time (no way I stay in NC for 8 years so I just wasted some money.)

I run across the street to the ATM, give him the money and get my picture taken (not so bad). Then I wait 5 minutes for the license to print. I get it and I'm on my way home when I realize the address is wrong. I go back inside make him change it (he gives me a look like he knew he fucked up) and I get it re-printed (with a better photo, I might use this one for my model headshots!)

The moral of the story is fuck North Carolina.