Last week, at work, I teched an award show for a bunch of nursing home aides (aka the 5 best aides at nursing homes in central NC) and it was probably the most horrifying display of intelligence in my entire life. This is a quick recap of the night:
6 PM - Doors Open
7 PM - Dinner starts, but not before the head of the group gets on stage, publicly shuns me, because I spotlight him and he's in "Edward mode," holding up and crossing his index fingers to try to block the light. (I would've believed he was a vampire had he not been on the north side of 250 lbs. If there is one thing we learn from this wave of vampire movies and shows, its that all vampires are sexy people (except John C. Reilly in that awful awful awful film.))
7:05 - His assistant comes to the back of the room to tell me not to shine light on him, apparently he prefers not to be seen by the crowd AT all the rest of the night.
8:00 - Vietnam POW speaks, it was a good speech, it was just a little ..uh..interesting to see him try to relate his truly brave and heroic 6 years of captivity to being someone who wipes shit off of old people's faces.
8:30 - The awards begin! Each of the 7 award recipients has a 5 minute speech given ABOUT them, before they give their own 10 minute speech. (Here comes the awful part). Their speech giving/writing levels were around the level of a 4th grader. Not only did they not speak coherently, but they even tried to write poems!!!! POEMS. I kid you not, one of them contained this line:
I love working in these halls,
I really have a ball.
NO JOKE THERE. THIS HAPPENED.
It was a writing tool that I used pretty mightily in my first batch of lyrics at the age of 13, rhyme every single line.
After sitting through 7 of these (and 1 who absolutely spoke no English) I was about ready to stroke out and try out these nursing home aids for myself.
Short story, tragic ending.
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