Around Christmas time, I was doing Holiday shopping at THE local walmart (or as my next door neighbors call it "heaven"). I park as far away from the store as possible to a) avoid traffic that occurs near the front of the store where cars stop for the slow SLOW SLOW people that drift out of walmart like their is a magnetic field around it and b) because of part a, again.
As I'm walking, I hear the traditional clang of the bell. It's Christmas time! Santa is begging for money!!!!! Hooray!!! As I approached the Salvation Army Santa, I noticed that Santa had transformed to a 85 pound black woman with ....let's just say a "candy" problem. I'm about to enter the store and I realize that she has left her post to go inside. I meet her inside where she is barely containing a newport light from falling out of her mouth and screaming (no joke, full on yelling) at customers about where her "goddamn lighter is."
I do my Christmas shopping (which, curiously, only includes food on my grocery list) and exit the store in a timely manner. As I'm leaving "Candy" santa decides to actually do some work and is singing "Christmas Time."
Oh, you aren't familiar with that song? It goes like this:
CHRISTMAS TIME
CHRISTMAS TIME
CHRISTMAS TIME
CHRISTMAS TIME
CHRISTMAS TIME
Got it? Now, sing those words to the tune of Jingle Bells. OVER AND OVER.
I'm pretty sure she probably broke open the salvation army pot of change to buy some more cocai...candy...That's right kids, Santa just needs her precious precious nose candy.
Short Story, Tragic Ending.
NOTE: If that ending isn't tragic enough for you read on:
Santa died from a cocaine overdose and was found with nothing but Adam Lambert CDs in her purse.
3 comments:
Is that last part for real? Or just a Kelson twist???
The return of my favorite blog outside of NahRight.com. I'm so happy I won't even consider this "hating on the south."
And I thought you had a cynical side, was I ever wrong, maybe we could have a telethon and invite Susan Sarandon?
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