The show starts off with an incredibly old U2 playing a brand new song which has officially bombed at radio. I have yet to hear this song until now and for that I am thankful. I find out the name of this song is "Get on Your Boots" because the lyrics are flashing at me in 50 foot letters, trying to give me epilepsy. The only other aspect that stood out was that Bono was definitely wearing platform shoes, a la Baby Spice in 1996. They are most likely Sketchers.
Whitney Houston followed up U2's performance with a nice little drugged out number of her own that went something like. "I'm Whitney, please like me again. Remember how Bobby beat me and made me do crack? Feel bad for me. IM BACK." That's what she meant to say it actually came out like "Damn these cue cards are hard to read. I can't believe anyone can do this. Oh, you want to see my thigh? Let me take 15 seconds to compose myself and make sure I don't fall over before sliding my dress up. What's that? My ativan bottle fell out of my purse? Oh my. Oh my. Ohhhh my." She was a mess, she presents Jennifer Hudson with the best R&B album and if I gambled I would've gambled all my money that she would win. It's automatic when 3 family members die. I'm surprised Susan Lucci hasn't discovered this yet.
The Rock tries to make a Katy Perry "I Kissed A Girl" joke and bombs, followed by the CBS cameras showing Katy opening her eyes real big in faux embarrasment. You will the whites of her eyes at least 12 more times during this broadcast. It's her go to move.
Justin Timberlake takes the stage and also fails at comedy. He then teams up with Al Green, Keith Urban and the shell of Boys II Men to sing an Al Green song. Other than Boys II Men adding about 400 lbs between them, the only other notable thing is that they dance terribly (most likely because of the weight gain.) I'm also glad to see that Keith Urban was able to put down the bottle long enough to pick up a guitar.
Coldplay comes out and plays a slow song and then they are mysteriously joined by Jay-Z. It was weird, it was like he was freestyling he was so bad. (I too, could probably rhyme over with over). I had the most fun with this because I was waiting for Joe Satriani to hop up on stage and serve Coldplay with a subpeona because they apparently stole one of his songs and are avoiding him. The tension is just killing me! The highlight here is when singer Chris Martin lifts his arm up to reveal that his shirt is about 4 inches to short for this performance.
Carrie Underwood is sexy. Until she sings. Her dress is fantastic showing lots of thigh and making Tony Romo weep at the thought of what he used to have. Then she starts singing and it sounds like a fat 45 year old trailer park floozy who aint gonna get cheated on by her man no more. Only 15 more years till this happens!
Al Green is singing again, but this time it's during an award. I do not appreciate this. I believe we are about 30 minutes in and only 2 awards have been handed out. I'm ok with this. Coldplay wins songs of the year and quickly get off stage so they don't get served.
Kid Rock has had an interesting career. When he came out he rode the coattails of the douche bag rap rock genre. When that dried up he kind of disappeared before realizing those fans were still there they just all went into the military because that's what guys who like Kid Rock do. So now instead of doing rap rock, he plays southern rock that proclaims his love of America. I don't like it, but it's an ingenious move on his part. Good market research kid!
Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus sing a song about being fifteen even though neither of them are and then share an awkward high five after, that sort of screams "I hate you but we have the same fans let's show them that I didn't just call you a bitch 5 minutes ago." Miley says this, she wears the pants.
Jason Mraz gets dressed up to present an award, wearing jeans and converse all-stars. God, he really keeps it real, you know? I hate Jason Mraz because I read that he started making music because he was tripping on LSD while listening to Dave Matthews and decided that's what he wanted to do with his life. Shows that he has a real passion. Coincidentally I often snort coke and listen to Ricky Martin to get the same inspiration.
Next up the Jonas Brothers take the stage with Stevie "the human blimp with a leather jacket thrown over him/it" Wonder. One of the brothers forgets the lyrics to "Superstitious" and I wonder how many times a rendition of this song has been played on the Grammy's. I'm guessing somewhere between 12 and 50.
Blink 182 reunites and for some reason I am unfathomably excited for this even though a) I only really loved one album and b) I have not missed them at all. The good news is that I still hate Tom. Let's hope they cut out his vocals chords for the next record and just replace it with a 4 year old whining about shit and piss.
Katy Perry has a nice fruit themed performance that is hindered by the fact that she has a headset instead of a handheld mic. She has no idea what to do with her hands so she mostly prances around like a 50's pin up girl (shocked?) and CBS is very careful not to do any closeups because her boobs are literally bouncing a good 6 inches in every direction. Damn you Janet Jackson.
Part 1 raps up with the self-proclaimed greatest rapper of all time, donning a mullet so fierce Tito Jackson would be jealous. He sings a song with Estelle that I've heard before but I never knew who it was. She lets her backing track do most of the singing and I'm just thankful Kayne only raps and doesn't sing his new auto-tuned single.
Back tomorrow with Part 2.
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