What Your Television Shows Say About You

In the spirit of Christmas, I decided to take some time and break down the real meaning of the shows you watch and what they say about you. Am I generalizing? Yes. Do I Care? No. Merry Christmas. I was going to do the top 20 Nielsen rated shows but they are all on CBS, and it would just be the same joke over and over. Let's start there.

CBS Shows - If you watch any show on CBS you are basically saying, " I am over 50 years old, CBS was on when I clicked the TV on and I am way too lazy to change the channel." There can be no other acceptable explanation for why CBS has 17 of the top 20 most watched shows on television. Every single show (other than maybe How I Met Your Mother) is a generic comedy filled with canned laughter or a procedural drama where witty middle aged men figure out murders.

Sidebar: If you watch 2 and a Half Men you are saying - "Hey, listen, I know this show prominently features a man that cant stop doing crack and paying hookers, and always takes the easy "gay" joke, but it's comfortable, and my brain doesnt process "humor.""

Sidebar 2: Big Bang Theory viewers are basically convincing themselves they like a smart comedy - like Arrested Development - because the comedy show is ABOUT smart people. Don't be fooled folks, just because the characters are dorks and they make 1 science reference per episode, this is NOT a smart comedy.

NBC -

The Biggest Loser - This is the only non football or CBS show to make it in the top 20. If you watch this show you are either saying, "I like to laugh at fat people," or "This show will inspire me to lose weight, but thank god I'm not getting yelled at by that scary lesbian lady who may or may not experience a touch of roid rage."

Minute to Win it - I've never seen this show, but the dude from the Friday's commercials is in it and I don't like his blonde hair/brown goatee combo. It's off putting. If you watch primetime gameshows you are saying, "listen, I worked all day long. You expect me to sit here and use my brain to follow a storyline. PASS."

The Sing Off - "I only watch this show because American Idol and Dancing with the Stars aren't currently on, but I desperately need to see amateur people attempt to make art."

The Office - "I work in a workplace, but my co-workers aren't nearly as funny, maybe I can find some comic relief here. Also, I like to pretend none of my co-workers ever change in 7 years. In my brain, no one ever leaves or gets a promotion."

Community - "I'm so hip because I get all 800 pop culture references in each episode. Also, I live each day of my life in a different theme, because I'm way too boring to actually just wake up and live my life. One day I pretend I'm a Western, one day I'm in an action movie, one day I pretend I'm a clay figurine! I'm so cutting edge!"

30 Rock - "I am the opposite of someone who enjoys the Big Bang Theory. I am smarter than you and I talk about it at great length."

Outsourced - "I am a racist."

Law & Order: ANYTHING - " I'm slightly more entertaining than people who watch CSI, but I may or may not have a cryptic fascination in the murder of small children. I also severely lust after my co-worker with an unpronounceable last night name."

Tomorrow: Fox & ABC.

Christmas: Cable!