The Time I Went to Elon Graduation 2008

so please excuse the grammar and punctuation of this post. I am truly live blogging from the unsunny town of Elon today. so let the games begin. 8:00 am - wake up time. i find tha the weather is 56 and rainy, sounds like a great day for sitting under a bunch of trees. In case you were wondering, i am going to this graduation to collect money from a friend who now lives in guam, I feel like an OG. 831 am - i feel pretty excited to walk a mile in the rain with no sidewalk and a line of cars watching me walk. i cant say ive ever tried before, but i feel like walking next to cars that are backed up bumper to bumper is an awkward experience. (you take 10 seconds to walk by a car then the car drives by you and stops. repeat). 839 am - I feel like a real tv character from a shitty sitcom who is waiting for his wife to get ready "! want to wear my sundress in the 56 degree weather." Me: "you'll be cold." "then what should I wear?" "...." the upside 3 minutes later is you get to see her naked several times. Take that and CBS sitcom husband. 945 - long story short i jut typed a whole essay about how i was disappointed that there was no free food (because the wait staff took it away before the event even started) but i accidentally deleted it. someone just prayed on stage but im about a kilometer away (way more than a stones throw). kill me. 952 am - the president ( of the senior class) speaks. im already half way to running to the nearest open flame. 1000 am - the school president, leo, introduces the speaker and uses 'meet the fockers' as a career defining piece. i cant tell you how hiliarious it is to have an old man say focker (laced with sarcasm). at this point i wonder why i even came. 1007 am - this speaker, some douche nozzle former elon student, is in the film industry. all im hearing is how is first job was tough (as an assistant to the assistant) and how good he was at his job. way to toot yourown horn. as a rule of thumb, anyone who worked on the movie "road trip" (yes that DID have Tom Green in it) should never be allowed to speak at a college graduation. 1100 am - after some simple math we determined that we are only 25% of the way thru the graduation and i wasnt about to stay till 1230. thus ends the live blog from elon graduation 2008. disappointed? ! know i am

The Time I Left My Job

Highly stressful job working for demanding boss. Be prepared to multi-task, come up with answers to unanswerable questions, and figure out how to bring impossible ideas to life. Pay check varies"

The Time I Visited Texas - Day 4

Sorry for the delay in posts, I was changing jobs (Yes this was directly related to having Texas rape me). So now for the conclusion of Kelson Fagan's "The Time I Visited Texas."

6:30 AM - I wake up super early, because I'm just neurotic enough to think thats cutting it close to make my 10:30 flight. The reasoning went like this:

6:30 AM - Wake Up/Pack/Leave Hotel
7:00 AM - Catch cab to hotel (leave 20 minutes to allow cab to show up - this is Austin, cabs dont traverse the streets at 7 am)
8:30 AM - Arrive at airport (even though the cab ride is only 20 minutes (tops) to the airport, I leave a good 45 minutes to arrive at the airport - what happens if I hit traffic!)
8:45 AM - I haven't printed my boarding pass so I need at least 15 -20 minutes to get that together and then it takes like...an hour to go through Security. Holy shit, I'm really cutting this close.
10:10 AM - Finally got through security, the flight is already boarding. SHIT! Run to terminal and pray to the god I don't believe in that I make it.
10:30 AM - Flight takes off. (I spend the entirety of the flight eying passengers to ensure there is no 9/11 part deux).

So that's what I think when I make my plan for how long everything will take. In reality it went like this.

6:30 AM - Wake up. I packed the night before so...I umm... call a cab?
6:34 AM - Cab is called, I'm dressed with all my bags in tow. Please don't forget I'm now an official US amputee. This will make things difficult right?
6:40 AM - I make it downstairs to wait for my cab, but several cabs are lined up to take people. They ask me if I need a ride and I take one from the competition of the cab company I called. (I hope that poor bastard is still waiting for me to come).
6:45 AM - On the way to the airport apparently I felt thoughts of death (I don't recall this at all, but my notebook says so, so I believe it. Maybe it was the gargantuan amount of blood I lost.)
7:00 AM - Arrive at airport! I'm now and 1:30 ahead of schedule if you are keeping track at home.
7:15 AM - Finish checking in (I went to the wrong terminal at first.) Because I have a legitimate limp to my step, I'm getting quite a few lips. I realize that I often stare at people with limps because I wonder how they got it and feel somewhat bad that they are crippled for life. I do not enjoy the fact people will think I am a cripple for life. (Even worse, I'm afraid people will think I was crippled in the recent "Mexico Emo Wars.")
7:30 AM - Through security. OK at this point my flight takes off in 3 hours. I may have overshot just a tad.

To waste time I decide to visit Earl Campbell's Restaurant. For those of you blissfully unaware, Earl Campbell was a running back for the Houston Oilers in the 70's...or 80s. Nonetheless, he is irrelevant in my world, until now, when he provides me with a terrible breakfast croissant, that was no joke, the size of a football. (I'll never understand the fascination with sports players naming restaurants after themselves. I mean...do you really think a half-retarded football player who suffered years of concussions is the best man to get your meal from? I say no. Unless Emeril comes out with his own line of sports balls, this practice should be banned.) (Also, it is uncool to name things after football plays. It makes everyone feel dumb to order it. The woman in front of me ordered the "Training Camp Burrito" which may or may not have included real bits of turf in it.)

My day will goes as follows. Austin to Houston to Atlanta to Raleigh. Should be fun. I spend the next 3 hours reading, but consciously realize that 4 other flights on my airline have left from Austin to Houston. (Next time I'm showing up 12 minutes before my flight, this will avoid any self esteem crushing airport waits.)

I get to Houston and realize that because the fucking crew couldnt get the goddamn plane door open once we were docked (or whatever the non space ship term is) I have 10 minutes before my plane boards. If you have never been to the Houston airport let me draw you a picture of what it looks like.


Now if you can read this clusterfuck of a map, congrats you have me beat. But the way its laid out, means that A and B are not connected to C,D & E. I arrived at gate E in International Arrivals, all the way in the bottom right corner. My connecting flight, scheduled to leave in 30 minuets was slated to depart from the far corner of Terminal B. It took me a good 10 minutes to even find the tram and by that time I was already in C. So I got to B about 15 minutes before the flight was supposed to take off. Only to find that it was delayed. (It was also at this point I realized that Houston airport has no A/C. I'm sure this is George Bush's doing.)

Austin to Houston is about 45 minutes in a plane. Atlanta to Raleigh is about the same. Houston to Atlanta? Oh about 2+ hours. So which flight do you think had the smallest plane? Mmhmm. The type of plane that a 6' 1" man such as myself, can not stand up straight in. How does it make sense to have a puddle jumper go the longest distance? (It doesn't). My one real qualm lays in the height situation. Don't hire normal flight attendants for these flights, hire midgets. It's more entertaining and it gives you less of a feeling like you are being stuffed in a metal death box.

So that was Texas. Just as glamorous as I had heard about. If you have the chance to go, pull an "18 year old circa the Vietnam War" and cut off your pinky toe to avoid going. I kid you not. I will be back in the next week or so with some new sections, including some "flashback" posts of adventures I've had, Things I Hate, Things That Scare Me and the introduction of a weekly "Live Blog." Stay tuned for great things and tell more people to read (the more people that read, the more I can sell ads for and the more annoyed you can be! Everyone wins!)

The Time I Visited Texas - Day 3

Day 3 and 4 of Texas were pretty grueling. After getting in at 4 AM Friday night from work I had the chance to sleep for two hours on a couch too small for my gigantic (pink) thighs. That's ok, it was all worth it because I had a scratchy blanket to cover me from the bone chilling Texas heat.

When I awoke at 6 AM, I did some stretches and realized that my ankle was locking up on me (in no way do I relate this to the fact that I was recently diagnosed as 40 lbs overweight...much). So I stretched the ole ball and chain out and went to work. The good news about today's event was that it was outdoors on the third floor of a restaurant, even better news was that the equipment company we hired for sound only had 3 guys show up for load in and thus I was put on the task (note I was also RUNNING the stage, I am way too fragile for this).

After suffering through several cuts to the wrists and hands and snapping my ankle in half I was able to finish loading in (only 6 hours till load out). Throughout the event the ankle locked up more and I, being the weather wizard I am, became quite sunburned in the forearm area.

Load out was less painful (other than my no-food induced vomitting spat. Have you ever puked only water? It's really quite a good time.) I went back to the hotel bleeding from several locations (including my ankle which was now completely severed) and decided i probably needed to eat SOMETHING. I think about ordering food in but realize I have no cash and I've learned never to trust a delivery boy with your credit card. So, I decided to haul ass down to What-A-Burger.

What-A-Burger is a restaurant chain in...the South? (I Would leave the question mark off, but I live in the south and have never seen one. So I'll just say Texas.) What-A-Burger is a restaurant in Texas ...well it's fast food. Anyway, like the name says, I've heard they make very good burgers. I hobble my way 3 blocks down the street (my ankle is held on with glue, courtesy of the Hanson Brothers) and on my way I notice a large amount of people literally scurrying across the street. During SXSW most of the people on the street are hipsters from out of town, and would never even be seen scurrying (I'm surprised they are willing to walk in the heat). I knew this must be special. Then it clicked.

ICE CUBE was playing a free show tonight!!!! Yes THE Ice Cube from Daddy Day Care 2 fame!!!! (Oh god I hope he re-enacts scenes from the movie. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.) I decided that the townsfolk would probably steal my foot and try to get it autographed, so I traversed forward to What-A-Burger. Once I got there I realized this was possibly worse than Bojangles. The menu looked like shit and they barely had interesting names for their burgers. I decided on a number 5 - which had some sort of meat followed by cheese and more meat.

Now I normally peel everything right off the burger other than meat and cheese (lettuce and tomato are just a tad to healthy for fast food). However, on this burger they put EVERYTHING on. Lettuce, Tomato, Onions, Pickles, Mustard...and no ketchup. Thus, after hobbling back to my room, I spent the next 10 minutes making sure there were no remnants of mustard or onions on the burger. By the time the burger was probably too cold and thus, it sucked. So the lesson here is that What-A-Burger isn't as good as advertised (even though I've never seen an ad for it...and as a matter of fact, I have no idea where I heard about it.)

Once I throated the burger down I turned on the tube (it was 7 at this point and I was about an hour away from bed). I turn on True Lies and luckily its the scene where alleged bulldyke Jamie Lee Curtis strips for her husband, as her husband poses as a rich man hiring a prostitute and she poses as a prostitute trying to seduce a rich man so that she can save her husband. (I've seen this movie 3 times and this is the only scene I've every seen...yeah. it's that good). I proceed to watch the end of the scene and try to erase my mind from thinking of Jami Lee Curtis in any sort of sexual way.

Sleep finds me moments later - early flight to catch. The good news is that I'll get to see 4 cities tomorrow!!!! Hooray for layovers! I'm sure that with air travel in its currently amazing state this wont be an issue. Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of "The Time I Visited Texas."

Things I Hate: Mary J. Blige

TakeTheMonorail: i hate mary j more than you can imagine
ragz008: haha really?
TakeTheMonorail: yes
ragz008: :-(
TakeTheMonorail: i really hate that video where she sings "lets get it crunk up on it something something in this misery" or whatever the fucking lyrics are
TakeTheMonorail: and she has a fake bowl hair cut that is blue and gray
ragz008: in this dancery
TakeTheMonorail: DANCERY?
TakeTheMonorail: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
ragz008: DANCE-ER-RY
ragz008: it's a dr. dre track!
ragz008: and it was terrible
TakeTheMonorail: right and she has a fucking blue and gray wig and it bounces around when she does her dumb dance moves





TakeTheMonorail: and it was that phase of hip hop where they shot everything in letterbox
ragz008: lol
TakeTheMonorail: and they would put a neon color on the edge of the letter box
TakeTheMonorail: hers was green

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh1tsN1KmJA


TakeTheMonorail: i believe ja rule had a blue one
ragz008: wow you must HATE hype williams
TakeTheMonorail: basically
ragz008: haha
TakeTheMonorail: and then her next fucking album is all "soul" and she wins 20 fucking grammys
ragz008: what about the cool one in slim thug's "i ain't heard of that?"





TakeTheMonorail: NO ONE who wears a blue wig should win a grammy unless they are tony bennet



ragz008: where the letterboxes were just spliced shots?!
ragz008: THAT was cool
ragz008: hahahaha
TakeTheMonorail: i dont know of this slim thug
TakeTheMonorail: please let me continue with my mary J hatred
TakeTheMonorail: and then she comes out with the fucking steroid thing
TakeTheMonorail: and how old is she 50?
TakeTheMonorail: i mean she is way past her prime
ragz008: 37
TakeTheMonorail: i guess her lord jesus told her to do roids
ragz008: haha you hate her a lot
TakeTheMonorail: i wrote a blog about it at some point
TakeTheMonorail: but i cant seem to find it
TakeTheMonorail: maybe i just took notes and talked about it on the radio
TakeTheMonorail: i remember being furious watching the grammys last year
ragz008: lol
ragz008: i never knew of this
TakeTheMonorail: i must of talked about it with scott
TakeTheMonorail: im gonna post this conversation on my blog so i can refer to it at another time