Short Stories With Tragic Endings #10

I hate Travis McCoy. His new song "Billionaire," may possibly be the worst song ever written. While some might argue that it is the perfect summer song, a gentle, harmless song with easy to remember lyrics that could literally inspire anyone (3rd world countries! college students! single moms! oh my!!!) and an upstroke on the guitar so gentle that anyone weighing in at more than 100 pounds would break the guitar strings.

It's supposedly easy to listen to with the windows rolled down - but there are enough things wrong with this that I felt the need to break it down.

1) Travis McCoy is dead (apparently). In his place TraviE McCoy has risen. The only considerable difference is that Travis loves to smoke heroin and bang big breasted white ladies with big blue eyes that like to sing songs about kissing girls and liking it. TraviE only likes to sing faux inspirational songs. I prefer Travis.

2) Travis also fronted a band called the Gym Class Heroes who took on some emo success as a rap band that played instruments and actually sung about emotional issues (and had quite a famous songs name checking over 30 emo bands). They got popular, Travis dropped the mostly white backing band and here comes Travie. My question? Why couldn't this be a Gym Class Heroes song? It's not much different than what they were doing, other than some record label exec saying "Hey, maybe tone down the heroin references on this song and say "Oprah" once or twice. Ya know, to get the middle aged crowd involved."

3) The biggest reason this didn't involved the Gym Class Heroes is because Bruno Mars wrote this song, not Travie. Bruno also wrote the hook on that insufferable b.o.b. song (dont get me started). Let's just pretend that these aren't the same exact choruses for a few minutes. Have you officially sold out when you go from being in a band to having a "hitmaker" write your songs for you? (Feel free to start chanting her - o - in at anytime to get the old Travis back).

4) The words (posted below) are beyond atrocious. I'm pretty sure a 10 year old with a slight case of autism could probably come up with " I wanna be a billionaire, so friggin bad." Really, people? This CANNOT be the song of the summer. I'm halfway surprised McDonald's didnt jump on this and ask him to make the hook "I want to be a Menuaire, so mac'in bad." Kill us all.

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire

[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
Give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire

[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
I’ll be playing basketball with the President
Dunking on his delegates
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
But keep the fives, twentys (?) completely separate
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
[Chorus]
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!

Are you still alive? I'd be amazed. AMAZED if you were able to legitimately read through this and not die, or keel over laughing and then die. Please, if you are human, don't like this song, there are tons of FUN pop songs out there - Your Love is My Drug!!!! Also, don't listen to Kitty Purry's song either, that will make the devil take over the earth (or so I've heard.)