The Time I Broke My Phone

I broke my fucking phone.


I really wanted to break it. I pictured myself breaking it and so I broke it. Why did this happen?
Well other than my obvious anger issues, it was a direct result of trying to directions to Amelia over the now deceased phone. We were not on the same page and I was telling her to turn left because google maps said to and of course, in real life there just happened to be a median there. Somehow (most likely me not listening) I didn't hear her say that and so going around in circles on the phone really made me want to smash the phone.

As I sat staring at Google Maps and watching it load frame by frame on a computer that is probably older than Dakota Fanning I could picture myself holding my phone in my left hand and then bringing my hand over and punching it right out of my hand. As the conversation ended I had my chance.

However by that point I was just too upset to perfect the "phone punch." So i did the rational thing and threw it to the ground. The phone did not smash and I think that makes it worse. When I went to pick up the phone it was in 3 pieces - Phone, Battery, Battery Back. I thought I might have made it but as I went to turn on the phone I realized the LCD screen was cracked. Which means no more phone. IF you feel the need to smash a phone and you know it is going to break, you at least hope that it will break in to somewhere between 12 and 457 separate pieces.
I felt little to no satisfaction with my simple disassembly.

This was no normal phone, last year, while soothing my cocaine craving for technology I went and bought a Samsung Blackjack. Is this the Rolls Royce of phones? No, it was only $50 used. But nonetheless it had highspeed internet, video, mp3 player (larger than my iPod Nano). And generally was just always helpful.

I fondly remember the time I found out that I could download google maps onto the phone and from then on I was only moderately lost while trying to stare at the 2 inch screen while driving (apparently this phone also protects from paralyzing car crashes). I bought it just before the iPhone came out and I barely even regretted that decision. I always felt it was the Matt Damon to George Clooney (dreamy on the inside, just a little fug on the outside, like MAYYYYYBE just one DNA strand of down syndrome).

Nonetheless, I decided to hand straight to the AT&T store to see what my options were. Apparently they don't teach the one person manning the store about any phone whatsoever and so I knew an adventure was in store. I am told to wait a second as a homeless man eats a sandwich in front of the lady and so I check out the cheapest phone. My idea at this point is to get the cheapest phone I can until the new iPhone comes out in July.

I find a few free phones but they are only free with a 2 year extension, but I dont qualify for a new extension for another 6 months, meaning I would have to pay full price. So I ask the lady if there is anyway the phone could be fixed and she said that she didn't know but because i "dropped" (i lie sometimes, does that excite you?) it that even the warranty wouldn't cover it because it was user error. Is that not the point of a warranty?

Well it turns out my warranty was probably expired anyway, but little miss know-it-all could not check because they are only allowed to service phones from this area code (336) and I am currently still repping central Jersey (908, holler!). She tries to convince just to by the blackjack for $150 and then mail in a $100 rebate and I'd get the phone for only $50. I told her my iPhone plan and she tried to convince me how terrible the iPhone was. "Do you like to take pictures? SEND PICTURES? TAKE VIDEO!?!?!?!?"

I responded no, no and the Blackjack doesn't take video. (Also note the iPhone DOES take pictures, making her first two questions moot.) I asked her if I would penalized if I bought a cheapo phone and then just went out and bought an iPhone in two weeks, but she didnt think so. (However she did encourage me to use the phone for two weeks and then return it later. I hope AT&T reads this blog. And if they do it is their store next to the largest Wal-Mart in North Carolina on the outskirts of Greensboro and her name was a variation of Shana but with a few q's, i's and l's thrown in for fun).

I then realized I still had my old phone that worked and has a fun flashing red light that definitely resembles Cyclops from the X-Men. I asked (already knowing the answer) if my SIM card would transfer and she said yes. So I returned home to use my lowly non internet phone until I can afford and iPhone or SOMEONE gets it for me for my bday.

Before saying goodnight to my wonderful phone I tried to rescue the numbers off of it by plugging into my computer but she said no and so I probably don't have your number. So maybe leave it for me eh?

As I typed that last paragraph I realize I should be more upset about breaking a phone that has lived in my hand for a year, but let's be real I'm only two weeks away from an iPhone and George Clooney gives much better anal than Matt Damon anyway (he's a prude).