The Time Google Murdered Me

So, you might have noticed that there are no longer ads on this website. Google took them down. After earning over $220 thanks to people who click ads because these ads interest them (and only that reason, of course), google took interest in a blog that only gets 30-50 readers per day and saw that it was making money and decided it was illegal. So they took it all back and I'm never allowed to use adwords again. Yikes.

Tomorrow, I'll have a twitter recap of the VMAs. I hope you still read this blog, even though the only content now is my writing, I know you all loved those ads!

The Time I Almost Got Knifed (Theoretically)

I recently put my iPhone up on craigslist, it was old, it was broken and I just wanted some money for it. I put it up for $100, listed all the issues with it and still got six responses within 3 minutes of posting it.

The responders had names like "KoKo" "D-Block Dave" and "Keiko Nguyen". There was an overwhelming feeling of illegality, but maybe that's just me being biased against prison references. I was trying to be fair and thus, I emailed the first in line. Koko.

I text messaged KoKo as he requested and told him the phone was indeed still available if he wanted to pick it up the day of. He instantly got back to me and our conversation went something like this:

Me: Ok, where do you want to meet, I live near the Sheridan redline stop (its a big train station, if you know the city, its easy to find).

Koko: I dont know where that is. Give me the exact address.

Me: (Deciding to give him the address of the bar down the street) 4000 Sheridan Rd.

Koko: Oh, yeah I know where that is. I'll be there sometime before 5. Will you have the money?

Me: Uh....I'm SELLING a phone.

Koko: Oh yeah..uhh ok, I'll be there soon.

Me: (Now extremely nervous) Nevermind, I have someone else that will buy it sooner.

Koko: HOW SOON, I CAN GET THERE RIGHT NOW

Me: Dont worry about it. Sorry for the mixup.

Koko: ILL GIVE YOU $110!

Koko: (5 minutes later) ARE YOU WAITING FOR ME OR NOT.

Me: No.

So how do you tell a possible psychopath named Koko that you are scared he might be a psychopath. The man wanted to know my address, wasnt even totally aware of the transaction and was desperate to meet me. Yeah....I was about to get knifed.

Then, I decided to throw out the rules and just email the person with the most normal sounding name. His name was George SOMETHING VERY RUSSIAN. But he could pick it up very quickly and he actually knew that he was buying it, always a plus. He says to meet him on a neighbor corner, so I stand out there for 15 minutes, looking like I was ready to make a drug deal.

The russian pulls up in a tinted window Scion and I'm immediately certain he's in the russian mob and he needs a bunch of extra cell phones (I know how this works, I've seen the Wire.) He checks the phone, chastises me for not using a screen cover and then gives me a speech about how hes going to have to replace parts and bla bla bla, apparently its worth it to refurbish old iPhones from 3 years ago when new ones can be purchased for $200. So he gives me $80, and in fact pulls out a wad of cash that ONLY has $80 in it, which seems weird because he had originally said $100, so I'm thinking he was thinking $80 the whole time.

I didnt want to get stabbed by anyone else, so I took the deal and was happy. The lesson, as always, never ever sell electronics on craigslist. God forbid there be a normal soccer mom who wants to buy an iPhone for her son. No, it has to be all phone refurbishers and dealers who literally spend all day scouring CL to buy iPhones so that they can sell them again.

Sorry for the lack of updates this week, I started work again and my body and mind have not adjusted to "work." So even though I'm only working 9-5, I basically shut down at 5:30 and go to bed at 9pm. It's good times.

I'll be back with all new stuff next week.

The Time I Guessed Emmy Winners

Best Comedy - Nurse Jackie (because it's on showtime, and is in no way funny, so that must make it deep). Modern Family won, I'm ashamed that I can't even guess things remotely right anymore. You should probably take me out of your life.

Best Drama - Dexter (because it's on showtime, and Michael C. Hall just got over cancer.) Mad Men was the winner, I guess this also makes sense, since you know, only 45 - 60 year old men vote on the emmys.

Best Made for TV Movie - Temple Grandin (the only one I saw and frankly Claire Danes was mesmerizing in the last 13 minutes of it). YES!!!! 1/3. Let's get the ball rollin, as Robert Downey Jr says in Tropic Thunder, you never go full retard, and I suppose autistic people arent fully retarded.

Lead Actor in a Drama - (Michael C. Hall, see above). Shiiiiiiiit. I was this close to batting .500. Winner here was Bryan Cranston, who has somehow won every year his show has been on. I think Malcolm in the Middle really helped him, since it was such a TERRIBLE show, now that hes on a good show, people just say, "oh shit, I cant believe he can act."

Lead Actress in a Drama - Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer. I don't know why, because TNT plays the ads as regular programming? Yep. The ads convinced the voters that this middle aged woman in a show about...closing...? was the best actress on TV.

Best supporting Actor in a Drama - If this isn't Michael Emerson from Lost, I'll kill myself AGAIN. I love his beady eyes. I refuse to comment on this atrocity.

Best supporting Actress in a Drama - I've never seen any of these shows. I'll guess someone from the Good Wife. Blah. Again, it's weird that I watch 30 shows, yet I haven't seen any of these, I'm guessing "The Good Wife" isn't aimed at 25 year old single males. Just a hunch. BOOM. Close it out strong. 3/7. Although I kind of cheated by just grouping all the actresses on "The Good Wife" together, but so be it. It's my blog, my rules.

Make sure to come back next year, as we watch the cast of Glee collectively sweep the entire award show!

The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Again)

I'm sitting here live from my apartment in Chicago where the Emmy's start at 7 pm and not 8. WTF???? Primetime at 7PM, I could get used to you. I'll be honest, I'm not gonna last all 3 hours. So I'm gonna go as long as I can before I pass out. Jimmy Fallon is hosting. LETS GO!

7 PM - Cast of Glee in the pre-recorded opening segment. Trying to raise money to go to the emmy's...good plot. Yikes.

7:01 - Here comes Tina Fey, Betty White and Don Draper as dancers and they decide to sing a Bruce Springsteen song (I think, I'm not a 55 year old douchebag from Jersey, so I'm not positive).

7:04 - Definitely Springsteen, this segment is overloaded with Bruce references (right down to the guitar and the infidelity). Unfortunately, MR Fallon's microphone was waaaaaaaay too loud and his out of breath singing was slightly embarrassing.

7:06 - Somehow he went from t-shirt and jeans to tuxedo...I suddenly don't think this is live anymore. A Conan O'Brien joke starts off the comedy. While we are here, I'm pretty upset that "Team Coco" is also live blogging the Emmy's, since that blog is written by actual comedy writers.

7:10 - They are doing "a year in comedy" recap and they included clips of Two and A Half Men, soooo the award show loses all of it's validity in the first 10 minutes. Fantastic.

7:11 - Outstanding Supporting Actor in Comedy - Three guys from Modern Family, NPH from How I met Your Mother, and Jon Cryer from Charlie Sheen's Show. A guy from Modern Family wins!!! Holy shit balls. I love that show. Is he gay in real life, let's find out...

7:13 - He doesn't sound gay, but his definitely Gay in real life tv partner is crying...so maybe something on the side? I'll go with not gay though.

7:14 - First commercial break and I'm pretty sure I already want to stop. So...let's compromise and say I'll do an hour. Deal? DEAL????????

7:18 - John Hodgman (my friend Scott's doppleganger in every way ever) is tonight's announcer and he's hilarious. Maybe he'll convince me to watch.

7:19 - Jim Parsons (who cares) and Sofia Vergara come out to present and do a terrible comedy routine where they make fun of her spanish accent. They present comedy series writer. Noms: 30 Rock, The Office, Glee, Modern Family. Emmy goes to Modern Family. THEY ARE CLEANING UP. I WATCH THAT SHOW. So does my dad, I find that weird, since he watches Sy-Fy on the reg and I cannot name one current sy-fy show.

7:22 - Stephen Colbert to present supporting actress in a comedy. Noms: Who cares, 2 people from modern family are nominated. One will win!

7:24 - No!!! Jane Lynch from Glee. She's funny in everything, although her other awesome TV show just got cancelled. You didn't even know it existed did you? You are the reason it was cancelled. I hate you.

7:30 - Back from commercial. Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry to present best guest actress in a comedy. Betty White will definitely win. This is a sham, she was TERRIBLE on that, I don't care if shes 83.

7:32 - YEP. NPH also won for best guest actor in a comedy.

7:33 - Best director in a comedy series. I missed the nominations. 30 Rock and Modern Family was in there with Glee. I'll guess Modern Family for everything. Nay, Glee wins.

7:35 - Modern Family pre-produced segment..with Stewie from Family Guy, 3D Modern Family, and turning the gay couple on the series straight. ON SNAP, 4th option, George Clooney as the new husband. I suppose this segment is cute, but uh...no one laughed in the audience. So lets move on.

7:37 - LL Cool J is still alive!!!? WTF. Lead actor in a comedy. 30 Rock, The Office, Larry David, Glee, Big Bang Theory, Monk. I bet Big Bang wins. I will kill myself if he does.

7:38 - Goddamit. I gotta kill myself. This show is not even a comedy. It's a bunch of "jokes" that are just rehashed from any other sitcom you've ever seen, and a live studio audience filled with monkeys that clap. He is talking about his "character development" in his acceptance speech. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. You aren't on the Wire buddy. So filled with hate right now. I have tried watching this show TWICE and can't make it through 1 episode. And I watch over 30 TV shows religiously. I HATE CBS. Rant over.

7:44 - Neil Patrick Harris burns Jimmy Fallon with a gay joke. He just got served. Best actress in a comedy series. Girl from Glee is gonna win.

7:45 - Nope, Edie Falco from Nurse Jackie? Is that even a comedy? Do people know that just because a show is on showtime or HBO, doesnt mean it's awesome? DO THEY? God, I need to burn something. Only 15 more minutes Kelson. You can do this.

7:46 - Reality TV summary, introduced by Kim Kardashian singing...ummm, wtf?

7:47 - I'm so bored by this recap, I don't even know what to say. There was a Snooki sighting..soo, that's nice.

7:49 - Will Arnett and Keri Russell (Felicity...?) to announce best reality competition program. Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Top Chef and something I missed. Top Chef wins!!! I watch that! My god. Two things here: first, this TV program is just ripping through awards, no clips of shows or actors, just reading names on a card and then immediately announcing. A blogger can't keep up. 2. Second, what is the criteria for best TV reality tv show? Seriously, the drama/tension it provides, how well it's produced, how entertaining it it is...I need criteria, and I need it now.

Alright another commercial break. Let's wrap this up. I'm gonna run through my guesses for the rest of the awards:

Best Comedy - Nurse Jackie (because it's on showtime, and is in no way funny, so that must make it deep).

Best Drama - Dexter (because it's on showtime, and Michael C. Hall just got over cancer.)

Best Made for TV Movie - Temple Grandin (the only one I saw and frankly Claire Danes was mesmerizing in the last 13 minutes of it).

Lead Actor in a Drama - (Michael C. Hall, see above).

Lead Actress in a Drama - Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer. I don't know why, because TNT plays the ads as regular programming?

Best supporting Actor in a Drama - If this isn't Michael Emerson from Lost, I'll kill myself AGAIN. I love his beady eyes.

Best supporting Actress in a Drama - I've never seen any of these shows. I'll guess someone from the Good Wife. Blah. Again, it's weird that I watch 30 shows, yet I haven't seen any of these, I'm guessing "The Good Wife" isn't aimed at 25 year old single males. Just a hunch.

Check back tomorrow with results!