The initial weeks of the Great Community Return have been dominated by grandiose art metaphors, Ken Burns sendups, campus-wide pillow fights, and Britta looking way too much like Michael Jackson, so it was nice that Community scaled way back for this episode. Community is certainly at its most creative when doing wild genre parodies, but some of their best episodes happen when the characters are just allowed to act together. This was even true for "Remedial Chaos Theory," where Jeff creates six different timelines in parody of Lost and The Butterfly Effect. Despite the high concept, it was basically a bottle episode featuring just the group.
This week opened with Troy and Abed (who had been quarreling in recent weeks) playing Best Friends Patty Cake. It was probably the most adorable thing in sitcom history. We then find out that Britta’s ex-boyfriend—a carny named Blade who killed her belief in love—is in town. She runs to Annie and begs her to put her on lockdown by taking her phone and keeping her under a watchful eye all weekend. The two quickly develop a bond over their respective struggles with addiction. Britta has shown in the past how desperate for sisterhood she is—she's so closed off to the company of other women that she's never even been invited to go to the bathroom before. Annie is desperate for Britta's approval because Britta's cool and Annie's a goody-goody. While we’re mostly led to believe Britta was feeding Annie this sisterhood crap to get her phone back and text Blade, there are some genuine feelings underneath on both sides.
Meanwhile, Shirley accompanies Jeff to the carnival because Jeff wants to see what’s so special about Blade. The weird Jeff/Shirley connection is one of the more interesting relationships on the show. It’s basically Our Hero getting Magic Negro Advice from Our Token Colored Lady, but the fact that Jeff never listens to her and Shirley is so sympathetic and likable on her own (“I wanna go on a ride…I spent my carnival years pregnant.”) makes the relationship work. Winger ends up doing whatever he wants anyway, and Shirley seems to be able to navigate the group in the healthiest way of anyone. Recall when she recited Psalm 23 while clocking motherfuckers in the first paintball game, only to happily go home to her sons when she got eliminated. Shirley is probably the happiest character and Yvette Nicole Brown’s comedic timing is phenomenal, but she totally flies under the radar.
The relationship angle is the idea of men being destructively seductive. Britta will go to Blade even though he’s terrible for her and Shirley will let husband Andre get away with anything. Jeff somehow has gone through life never realizing this possibility, and is now intrigued by it. Annie has also made it twenty years without this sort of relationship, even though Jeff is slowly becoming that for her (did Alison Brie swoon more when Joel McHale changed his shirt in Community or when Jon Hamm stripped and fixed her sink in Mad Men? Sub-question: week-to-week, how jealous is everyone of Alison Brie?). Annie buries her feelings while Jeff goes to discover. Here is also the episode loses a bit of consistency. Blade, a ladyslayer so egregious he actually got Pierce to be funny (“Her pain unifies us. She’s the King Arthur of bad taste in men”), actually seems like a pretty chill bro. He’s so down to earth that Jeff spills his guts out to him while dropping $300 on his duck-shooting table. His only downside seems to be that he works at a carnival and has a gross awesome trashstashe. This is what Britta’s cowering from? Come on, Community. Give us some real mayhem.
It’s also revealed that Troy has a huge crush on Britta. She can’t realize it because of all the Blade talk, but she eventually figures it out when she learns that she’d been texting Annie and the boys all night. The episode ends with some self-satisfied looking around at each other, which is typically a sign of lazy writing. For some reason, it works here, mostly because nothing is settled: the Winger Speech at the end was probably the emptiest Winger speech of all time. How could everyone possibly have been content for the evening? With a show as smart as Community, you can count on heavy stuff next week.
Interestingly, all the sidelong glances and sexual tension, Community seems set on upending other sitcom tropes, but for earnest reasons instead of sarcasm. The entire reason these people know each other is because Jeff wanted to do Britta “like a crossword” (mission accomplished!), and it makes sense that they’d end up together: Jeff is the hero, and Britta is the blonde. Furthermore, since Annie Adderall and Football Captain Troy went to the same high school but never knew each other, it makes sense that Troy and Annie would end up together. Instead, Troy is completely all about Britta, and Annie is completely all about Jeff. Whether or not Our Hero or Our Blonde will realize it remains to be seen, but the typical sitcom arrangements do not seem to be in the stars.
Pierce Watch: Pierce’s stories aren’t even subplots anymore, nor is he attached to anything going on with the group. This week, after whining about not having a best friend, he takes up with Chang. The two go on a date to the carnival, it’s not very funny, everyone knows it’ll last about two minutes because it’s racist Pierce and psychotic Chang, and well, guess what happens. The way it ends, though, is interesting. Chang asks how to keep a best friendship going, and Pierce responds with “I say we just let it happen.” Psycho Chang then bursts out with “Don’t tell me what to do!” and storms off. It’s a cursory sketch of something that easily kills relationships: the fear of hurting or getting hurt. To predict is human, and predictions are based on past experience. New friendships/romances can be frightening because you imagine repeating the horrible things you’ve done or the horrible things that have been done to you. The easy answer is to run away quickly, before things escalate and someone gets really hurt. The Pierce/Chang end is exactly this. Unfortunately, it’s Pierce and Chang, so exactly no one cares.
Dean of Thrones: Not to repeat a gimmick in the same column, but Dean Pelton deserves his own paragraph. How hilariously childish and homo-repressed is it that he’s into trains now? And how many awesome puns can the Community writers come up with for his ridiculous entrances? “She’ll be comin’ around the mount-dean when she comes?” Not only is it excellently suggestive, Jim Rash’s delivery is so sneaky you almost miss it. Then you miss his next few lines because the pun is so hilarious. The fact that he needs a book on how to do things, then a Scotch and soda (which he doesn’t know how to make) is great enough. But then his only plan for getting Troy to sign up for the Air Conditioning Repair School (which is developing into a City College-like rivalry) is showing up at Troy and Abed’s with a six-pack of Dr. Pepper and a bag of chips for “boys night.” Dean Pelton rivals 30 Rock’s Kevin as the best adorable-puppy-you-still-want-to-kick character on NBC.
Showing posts with label Pop Analysis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pop Analysis. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
'Community' Burns Ken Burns to Save Troy and Abed
Last week, Community made compelling arguments for both sides of the art vs commercialism debate while ripping its two most likable characters and most functional relationship apart. It seemed like the feud, while childish and dumb, would never end—a terrifying prospect. But they wrapped it up quickly, and thank God. I guess sometimes, you realize that your battles carry as much weight as, say, a community college paintball match. Or the battle for artistic integrity on the consistently lowest-ranked network on television. Or maybe as much as a feud between an extremely dickish show runner and an extremely dickish past-his-prime comedian.
This week’s episode was decidedly less explosive than a paintball episode. More…soft and downy, if you will. While there are references to pretty every war ever—it’s a giant metaphor for the Civil War; no territory changes hands, like WWI; it’s completely pointless, like almost every war ever—it feels less like a war and more like twenty minutes of taking the piss out of Ken Burns. All due respect to Burnsy, but it’s high comedy.
The documentary takes itself way too seriously, Burns-style, by reading aloud text messages (emoticons included), facebook status updates with subsequent likes, bad college poetry, and describing a reality show that’s no fun to watch on time delay because then you’d be the last to know what happens. There are few action shots—the episode relies on plodding voiceover, camera stills, and talking heads.
The documentary’s humor comes from taking all of the characters at face value: Troy and Abed are viewed as great tacticians. Jeff finds a “leading role” and delivers a rousing speech (to both sides), but is humanized by being completely unable to mediate Troy and Abed’s conflict until the end. Annie opens a care center. Shirley is the kind of ass-kicker into which you can only develop if you’re the mother of two, but again, you feel sorry that she’s kept at school and away from her husband and children for another meaningless, barely-remembered community college conflict. Only two characters are really viewed with contempt: Britta, a much-maligned war photographer (“unfortunately for Britta and millions of photographers like her, just because something is black and white does not make it good) and…
Pierce Watch: Pierce is initially described as “the dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire who would prove to be the dried-up heir to a moist towelete empire.” He initially joins Troy’s forces because Abed is weirder and more foreign, but switches sides because Shirley is given a higher rank by Troy. He suffers from erectile dysfunction. Then he designs a super-destructive secret weapon, which just him as a giant white pillowy blob of inhuman mess destroying everything in his path. It’s a physical manifestation of Pierce himself since The Great Community Return.
The episode’s biggest strength, as with all of Community’s classics, is how well it treats its characters. Will the show rely on cliché stereotypes and become little more than a Mad TV sketch, or will it explore who these people are as human beings and make the viewer give a shit? Well, Fat Neil reinvents himself as Real Neil With Pipes of Steel, a nighttime radio DJ. Leonard’s nickname “Bucket of Guts” is awesome. Chang (“rumored to be literally psychotic”) finally gets to unleash his Kiddie Corps, or “Changlourious Basterds.” Dean Pelton is typically dean-y, saying that the fact that the Guinness World Records rep isn’t coming is a “colossal waste of two and a half days,” never once mentioning the actual pillow fight leading to mass truancy. I wonder what it’s like being a professor at Greendale (when you’re not banging Jeff Winger, that is)? So the answer is yes, the show loved its characters here. Except for Pierce and Britta.
The climax is even better. Troy and Abed can’t stop pillow fighting…because they’ve declared their friendship dead and hitting each other with pillows will be the last thing they ever do together. It’s adorable. Jeff tries to bring up the magical friendship hats he made in the dean’s office earlier in the episode. Troy and Abed refuse, but only because Jeff doesn’t have the hats with him. Their friendship means so much that they actually remember where Jeff left the magical friendship hats two and a half days ago. Jeff leaves, and Annie relates to the camera that he stayed outside long enough to make them believe that he went to the dean’s office. But Jeff really walks back to the office. He imagines Troy’s hat to be a bit crumpled and Abed’s to be a little dusty. He fixes both before bringing them back, even though he’s alone. This most un-Winger of gestures shows how important Troy and Abed’s friendship is to everyone.
The resulting Troy and Abed Secret Handshake (TASH) is so awesome you want to stand up and cheer. Britta is given her redemption by immortalizing the moment on film (“accidentally, while trying to capture the light on a stack of nearby waffles”). Everyone is happy again. It was a satisfying episode displaying everything Community does right: subverting genre not because Dan Harmon went to film school, but because it’s funny, while keeping the characters at the forefront and the navel-gazing artistic arguments under the surface.
This week’s episode was decidedly less explosive than a paintball episode. More…soft and downy, if you will. While there are references to pretty every war ever—it’s a giant metaphor for the Civil War; no territory changes hands, like WWI; it’s completely pointless, like almost every war ever—it feels less like a war and more like twenty minutes of taking the piss out of Ken Burns. All due respect to Burnsy, but it’s high comedy.
The documentary takes itself way too seriously, Burns-style, by reading aloud text messages (emoticons included), facebook status updates with subsequent likes, bad college poetry, and describing a reality show that’s no fun to watch on time delay because then you’d be the last to know what happens. There are few action shots—the episode relies on plodding voiceover, camera stills, and talking heads.
The documentary’s humor comes from taking all of the characters at face value: Troy and Abed are viewed as great tacticians. Jeff finds a “leading role” and delivers a rousing speech (to both sides), but is humanized by being completely unable to mediate Troy and Abed’s conflict until the end. Annie opens a care center. Shirley is the kind of ass-kicker into which you can only develop if you’re the mother of two, but again, you feel sorry that she’s kept at school and away from her husband and children for another meaningless, barely-remembered community college conflict. Only two characters are really viewed with contempt: Britta, a much-maligned war photographer (“unfortunately for Britta and millions of photographers like her, just because something is black and white does not make it good) and…
Pierce Watch: Pierce is initially described as “the dried-up heir to a moist towelette empire who would prove to be the dried-up heir to a moist towelete empire.” He initially joins Troy’s forces because Abed is weirder and more foreign, but switches sides because Shirley is given a higher rank by Troy. He suffers from erectile dysfunction. Then he designs a super-destructive secret weapon, which just him as a giant white pillowy blob of inhuman mess destroying everything in his path. It’s a physical manifestation of Pierce himself since The Great Community Return.
The episode’s biggest strength, as with all of Community’s classics, is how well it treats its characters. Will the show rely on cliché stereotypes and become little more than a Mad TV sketch, or will it explore who these people are as human beings and make the viewer give a shit? Well, Fat Neil reinvents himself as Real Neil With Pipes of Steel, a nighttime radio DJ. Leonard’s nickname “Bucket of Guts” is awesome. Chang (“rumored to be literally psychotic”) finally gets to unleash his Kiddie Corps, or “Changlourious Basterds.” Dean Pelton is typically dean-y, saying that the fact that the Guinness World Records rep isn’t coming is a “colossal waste of two and a half days,” never once mentioning the actual pillow fight leading to mass truancy. I wonder what it’s like being a professor at Greendale (when you’re not banging Jeff Winger, that is)? So the answer is yes, the show loved its characters here. Except for Pierce and Britta.
The climax is even better. Troy and Abed can’t stop pillow fighting…because they’ve declared their friendship dead and hitting each other with pillows will be the last thing they ever do together. It’s adorable. Jeff tries to bring up the magical friendship hats he made in the dean’s office earlier in the episode. Troy and Abed refuse, but only because Jeff doesn’t have the hats with him. Their friendship means so much that they actually remember where Jeff left the magical friendship hats two and a half days ago. Jeff leaves, and Annie relates to the camera that he stayed outside long enough to make them believe that he went to the dean’s office. But Jeff really walks back to the office. He imagines Troy’s hat to be a bit crumpled and Abed’s to be a little dusty. He fixes both before bringing them back, even though he’s alone. This most un-Winger of gestures shows how important Troy and Abed’s friendship is to everyone.
The resulting Troy and Abed Secret Handshake (TASH) is so awesome you want to stand up and cheer. Britta is given her redemption by immortalizing the moment on film (“accidentally, while trying to capture the light on a stack of nearby waffles”). Everyone is happy again. It was a satisfying episode displaying everything Community does right: subverting genre not because Dan Harmon went to film school, but because it’s funny, while keeping the characters at the forefront and the navel-gazing artistic arguments under the surface.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Not Even Hiding the METAphors Anymore
I am now convinced Community is completely about television. Last season, they obviated it by parodying every genre trope possible. In the Glorious Restoration, they’re doing it by making every plot point a metaphor for how weird and awesome their show is. Last night’s episode begins with the Dean introducing a “Subway sandwichery in our cafetorium,” followed by the revelation that “Subway” has become a person. He’s tall, handsome, and not allowed to discuss his past despite a deep love for 1984—right up Britta’s alley.
Subway being a brain-dead, emotionless humanoid is a comment on TV audiences. Television isn’t typically a thinking person’s medium—it’s an easy distraction from a more complicated life, and hardly ever a thought-out commentary on life. That’s why every new TV show has a ringing familiarity: they’re just copying one another. Community isn’t interested in doing that. It’s trying to be different, but that makes it weird and kills its ratings.
Pierce and Shirley, the spurned business investors whose sandwhichery was originally supposed to go in the cafetorium, quickly manipulate Britta into spying on Subway. The idea is to force Subway into screwing up somehow and betraying his corporate rules. This would force the Subway (the actual sandwichery, not the person) to close and allow Pierce and Shirley to open their business. They end up recording the two having sex by planting a bug on Britta. When the Subway corporate rep hears the tape, Subway is carted off by guards while Britta powerlessly pines for him. It’s probably the most Britta end to a relationship ever.
Before diving into the Troy/Abed subplot, allow me to introduce a new segment: Pierce Watch. Each week, we’ll examine if Pierce does anything worthwhile in the episode. He’s funnier this episode, but going completely insane. He’s taken to drinking ink (“pens are mini-flasks”) and calling 10 AM “this time of night”—all hilarious. But it doesn’t bode well for his character to become much more than a caricature.
Abed and Troy’s apartment building is being dusted for termites, so they’re displaced and decide to build a huge pillow fort at Greendale. Britta asks them, hey, didn’t they do that last year and aren’t they just repeating themselves (get it?), to which Abed replies “A pillow fort is way more difficult and way better,” (get it?) and Troy says “More difficult is always better.” So yes, Community is literally advocating that your fantastical artifices be as difficult as possible because it’s more satisfying. It’s not something I necessarily disagree with—Community and shows like it (Arrested Development comes to mind) are more satisfying because they force you to think about the jokes, don’t forcibly tell you what’s funny by relying on a laugh track, and keep you on your toes even with the cinematography (“that’s totally a Sergio Leone reference!”) It’s fun…you know, for film and TV nerds.
It soon comes to light that they could break the Guinness World Record for largest pillow/blanket fort, but thanks to some Iago-like manipulating from John Goodman’s character (the air-conditioning repair school dean who wants Troy to enroll because of his Will Hunting-like talent), Troy has started building his own fort. Abed refuses to compromise the pillow fort (“I won’t sacrifice quality for square footage…we don’t need a world record to tell ourselves we did something cool”) but Troy is trying to avoid being the Constable Reggie to Abed’s Inspector Spacetime. Troy gets it in his head that Abed is using him, and Abed returns to his Messianic complex, saying “It’s hard making something perfect, but it’s worth it,” and “I’d rather see my work destroyed than compromise it.” As with most tragic conflicts, neither is wrong: Abed is being arrogant and emotionally uncompromising, Troy is being selfish and selling out.
This is the central conflict of Community as a show. Dan Harmon clearly has a vision of something more than just a Two and a Half Men/Everybody Loves Raymond cheap laugh track-filled crapfest. Before Abed can destroy the pillow fort, John Goodman appears again to say he’s “someone who understands dedication to craftsmanship in the face of mediocrity. This world is run by the unremarkables…what if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?” It’s the tension of all art—are you a misunderstood genius, or just a pretentious dick with a greenlighted show? No one in television straddles that line quite like Dan Harmon. In a world of good television, last night’s episode would be ridiculed for flamboyant navel-gazing. In the real world, last night’s episode is among Community’s best.
Jeff, whom I’ve always thought of as a Harmon stand-in because Harmon derived the premise of the show from enrolling in a community college Spanish class to save a relationship, spends the whole episode coming to terms with the fact that he’s an inconsiderate jerk. A woman named Kim left a hate letter in his heretofore-unknown locker, and now she’s dead. At the end of the episode, we find out Kim is a dude who Jeff never remembers and has introduced himself to no less than ten times. So Jeff repents, things are cool with and Kim, and then…he forgets Kim’s name again.
I’ve said before that I’m fine with Community being about little more than making a TV show. It’s smart and funny and fun and obviously respects its audience, which is refreshing. The best quote on craft from the episode is when Subway talks about “Love’s ability to surface within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems.” — Community obviously loves the work. No other show so clearly telegraphs how much fun all of the actors are having. But Hollywood producers are completely money-driven and they’ve already been at the brink of cancellation. So yeah, throw in a few extra jabs at producers, just remember to keep things fresh, interesting, and funny. It’s a fine line they walk.
Quick Notes:
Annie needs something real to do and soon. She was practically invisible last week and spent this week trying to make Jeff apologize to what she thought was a dead girl’s locker. She did, however, have an awesome speech about the girls Jeff “dominates and then forgets about,” which is pretty much what Jeff’s been doing to her since they made out in the first season. Is Alison Brie winking and nodding about that other show she stars in that premiered this week?
The show proved once again that it is the master of getting past the censors. When Britta and Subway are recorded having sex, we don’t hear anything except Britta’s mood-killing “only the physical remains” line. But the Subway corporate rep, well, can’t get up from the table at the end. Very similar to the D & D sex scene from season two.
Can we all start talking about how awesome the way Shirley says Britta’s name is? Bri-ttah. It’s almost British, but still sweet, motherly-type. As pure of poetry as Bubbles calling McNulty “McNutty” on The Wire.
Abed actually says To Be Continued to cap the episode off! Yeah, this show rules.
Subway being a brain-dead, emotionless humanoid is a comment on TV audiences. Television isn’t typically a thinking person’s medium—it’s an easy distraction from a more complicated life, and hardly ever a thought-out commentary on life. That’s why every new TV show has a ringing familiarity: they’re just copying one another. Community isn’t interested in doing that. It’s trying to be different, but that makes it weird and kills its ratings.
Pierce and Shirley, the spurned business investors whose sandwhichery was originally supposed to go in the cafetorium, quickly manipulate Britta into spying on Subway. The idea is to force Subway into screwing up somehow and betraying his corporate rules. This would force the Subway (the actual sandwichery, not the person) to close and allow Pierce and Shirley to open their business. They end up recording the two having sex by planting a bug on Britta. When the Subway corporate rep hears the tape, Subway is carted off by guards while Britta powerlessly pines for him. It’s probably the most Britta end to a relationship ever.
Before diving into the Troy/Abed subplot, allow me to introduce a new segment: Pierce Watch. Each week, we’ll examine if Pierce does anything worthwhile in the episode. He’s funnier this episode, but going completely insane. He’s taken to drinking ink (“pens are mini-flasks”) and calling 10 AM “this time of night”—all hilarious. But it doesn’t bode well for his character to become much more than a caricature.
Abed and Troy’s apartment building is being dusted for termites, so they’re displaced and decide to build a huge pillow fort at Greendale. Britta asks them, hey, didn’t they do that last year and aren’t they just repeating themselves (get it?), to which Abed replies “A pillow fort is way more difficult and way better,” (get it?) and Troy says “More difficult is always better.” So yes, Community is literally advocating that your fantastical artifices be as difficult as possible because it’s more satisfying. It’s not something I necessarily disagree with—Community and shows like it (Arrested Development comes to mind) are more satisfying because they force you to think about the jokes, don’t forcibly tell you what’s funny by relying on a laugh track, and keep you on your toes even with the cinematography (“that’s totally a Sergio Leone reference!”) It’s fun…you know, for film and TV nerds.
It soon comes to light that they could break the Guinness World Record for largest pillow/blanket fort, but thanks to some Iago-like manipulating from John Goodman’s character (the air-conditioning repair school dean who wants Troy to enroll because of his Will Hunting-like talent), Troy has started building his own fort. Abed refuses to compromise the pillow fort (“I won’t sacrifice quality for square footage…we don’t need a world record to tell ourselves we did something cool”) but Troy is trying to avoid being the Constable Reggie to Abed’s Inspector Spacetime. Troy gets it in his head that Abed is using him, and Abed returns to his Messianic complex, saying “It’s hard making something perfect, but it’s worth it,” and “I’d rather see my work destroyed than compromise it.” As with most tragic conflicts, neither is wrong: Abed is being arrogant and emotionally uncompromising, Troy is being selfish and selling out.
This is the central conflict of Community as a show. Dan Harmon clearly has a vision of something more than just a Two and a Half Men/Everybody Loves Raymond cheap laugh track-filled crapfest. Before Abed can destroy the pillow fort, John Goodman appears again to say he’s “someone who understands dedication to craftsmanship in the face of mediocrity. This world is run by the unremarkables…what if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?” It’s the tension of all art—are you a misunderstood genius, or just a pretentious dick with a greenlighted show? No one in television straddles that line quite like Dan Harmon. In a world of good television, last night’s episode would be ridiculed for flamboyant navel-gazing. In the real world, last night’s episode is among Community’s best.
Jeff, whom I’ve always thought of as a Harmon stand-in because Harmon derived the premise of the show from enrolling in a community college Spanish class to save a relationship, spends the whole episode coming to terms with the fact that he’s an inconsiderate jerk. A woman named Kim left a hate letter in his heretofore-unknown locker, and now she’s dead. At the end of the episode, we find out Kim is a dude who Jeff never remembers and has introduced himself to no less than ten times. So Jeff repents, things are cool with and Kim, and then…he forgets Kim’s name again.
I’ve said before that I’m fine with Community being about little more than making a TV show. It’s smart and funny and fun and obviously respects its audience, which is refreshing. The best quote on craft from the episode is when Subway talks about “Love’s ability to surface within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems.” — Community obviously loves the work. No other show so clearly telegraphs how much fun all of the actors are having. But Hollywood producers are completely money-driven and they’ve already been at the brink of cancellation. So yeah, throw in a few extra jabs at producers, just remember to keep things fresh, interesting, and funny. It’s a fine line they walk.
Quick Notes:
Annie needs something real to do and soon. She was practically invisible last week and spent this week trying to make Jeff apologize to what she thought was a dead girl’s locker. She did, however, have an awesome speech about the girls Jeff “dominates and then forgets about,” which is pretty much what Jeff’s been doing to her since they made out in the first season. Is Alison Brie winking and nodding about that other show she stars in that premiered this week?
The show proved once again that it is the master of getting past the censors. When Britta and Subway are recorded having sex, we don’t hear anything except Britta’s mood-killing “only the physical remains” line. But the Subway corporate rep, well, can’t get up from the table at the end. Very similar to the D & D sex scene from season two.
Can we all start talking about how awesome the way Shirley says Britta’s name is? Bri-ttah. It’s almost British, but still sweet, motherly-type. As pure of poetry as Bubbles calling McNulty “McNutty” on The Wire.
Abed actually says To Be Continued to cap the episode off! Yeah, this show rules.
Friday, March 23, 2012
I Did All This For You So You Could Do a Patch Adams?
The second episode of The Great Community Return aired last night with a jarring cold open of the group coming back from winter break. It’s hard to say if this was simply part of the storyline or another Dan Harmon jab at NBC for screwing him. That’s part of what makes this show so awesome: are they just following a script bible, are they drunk/lazy, or is Dan Harmon just continuously trolling us all? I hope it’s a little bit of everything.
This episode was considerably better than last week’s drunken marriage rehearsal episode/basic feminism straw argument/anticlimax-fest. Every character—except poor Annie, who was reduced to a scared, worrying mess and Pierce, who’s increasingly useless—was given something interesting to do: Troy and Abed got in a fight, Jeff got sexier and sexier until he Hulked out, Shirley did an amazing Oprah impression, Chang shot tranquilizers and gave kids guns, and Britta looks WAY TOO MUCH like white Michael Jackson.
Troy and Abed’s storyline is the central plot, and for reasons I’ll get in to later, I like these episodes the best. Abed has taken to hiring celebrity impersonators to re-enact movie scenes with him, and it’s introduced with such out-of-nowhere awesomeness (anytime you can get a half-Polish, half-Pakistani who looks like an innocent Rajon Rondo to impersonate Harrison Ford in a library, you have to do it) that you actually feel a little tension. Abed’s had a pregnancy scare before, who’s to say he doesn’t have a wife stashed somewhere and he’s been framed for her murder? Then Troy explains the situation, and the conflict is set up: Annie, Shirley, and Britta want to have an intervention to make Abed normal, Troy thinks Abed is perfect, and Jeff doesn’t give a shit. Then Chang shoots a tranquilizer dart through a window and it’s awesome.
Troy absolutely makes this episode: his first speech in the study group talks about how Abed is better than normal; that Abed’s quirky weirdness and not-exactly-mild Aspergers’ (haha, AssBurgers) is good for the group; that Abed, for all of his self-absorption, knows how to make them feel appreciated as friends better than anyone. Then, Act Two has Troy desperately trying to make the party go well so that Abed doesn’t get his legs broken over a debt he refuses to acknowledge. Act Three has Troy angry at Abed for failing to recognize the fact that he owes his legs to Troy, and we see an argument that is as intense and real as Community gets (and trust me, that shit is real).
The nature of friendship is rarely addressed as seriously on television or in film. In romantic comedies, people expect the protagonists to clash: that’s how relationships become dramatic, and you always run back to your lover. No one ever talks about friendships—those conversations are couched in ridiculed euphemisms like “bro-mance” and “guy love.” Close male friendship is demeaned by being called homoerotic, and, you know, gay is bad. Women don’t necessarily have this issue, because their only goal in film is to get hitched and make babies. So when Troy and Abed are talking after Troy kicks the Patch Adams/Popeye the Sailor Man impersonators out, it felt painfully real. Troy doesn’t tell Abed he’s mad at him and refuses to go into the Dreamatorium. Abed is genuinely shocked to find out Troy lied to him. Then they reconcile, but Abed doesn’t do the handshake and goes to play Inspector Spacetime by himself.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t address this for a few more episodes and let that conflict simmer in the back of everyone’s minds. That’s how friendships end. There’s almost never one big thing that kills it. It’s more like something to “Jenga”; it gets pulled at and subtracted from until there's almost nothing left. And it sucks watching it on Community. Troy and Abed are easily the most likable characters, and they’re supposed to be pure comic relief. They’re not supposed to have tension. They’re Jim and Pam, Lutz/Twofer/Frank, Hawkeye and Trapper/B.J. Dan Harmon knows this, and kids, Dan Harmon does not care about your feelings. Unless the writers employ a Troy-like “Better than reality” card and let it drop, this Troy and Abed thing isn’t over, and it’s going to be excellently unpleasant.
A few quick notes:
Community has spent most of its time imitating other TV shows, genres, and tropes. Seriously, you can’t read a TV Tropes page on this show in under twenty minutes. It was nice to see the characters impersonating people while dealing with real issues, rather than the show impersonating other shows and the characters dealing with trope issues.
Immediately after Troy and Abed’s intensely emotional moment, Jeff and Britta have a quazi-one. It was difficult to understand why I cared so much less about them than Troy and Abed, but then I realized: the show has never decided whether it’s about Jeff and Britta or Jeff and Annie. Sure, Jeff started this messy study group because he wanted in Britta’s pants (“why can’t you see that for the compliment it is?”), but he made out with Annie at the end of season one, the most favorable timeline in “Remedial Chaos Theory” has him and Annie nearly making out, and they have a very clear and established chemistry. I think that “at the end of it all,” Jeff and Britta will “end up together,” but by gesturing to Jeff/Annie (again, is it lazy gesturing towards a shocker, deliberate trolling, or part of something bigger?), the writers make it much harder to care about Jeff/Britta.
The graphics have got to go. Jeff’s ego as an exploding apple, Chang’s power-hungry thought bubbles—just awful. Inexcusable. That is lazy—lazy writing, acting, and directing. Either show the characters’ thoughts and emotions or have them say something witty or wittily cliché, but cut the graphics out. It’s unbearable.
All in all, great episode.
This episode was considerably better than last week’s drunken marriage rehearsal episode/basic feminism straw argument/anticlimax-fest. Every character—except poor Annie, who was reduced to a scared, worrying mess and Pierce, who’s increasingly useless—was given something interesting to do: Troy and Abed got in a fight, Jeff got sexier and sexier until he Hulked out, Shirley did an amazing Oprah impression, Chang shot tranquilizers and gave kids guns, and Britta looks WAY TOO MUCH like white Michael Jackson.
Troy and Abed’s storyline is the central plot, and for reasons I’ll get in to later, I like these episodes the best. Abed has taken to hiring celebrity impersonators to re-enact movie scenes with him, and it’s introduced with such out-of-nowhere awesomeness (anytime you can get a half-Polish, half-Pakistani who looks like an innocent Rajon Rondo to impersonate Harrison Ford in a library, you have to do it) that you actually feel a little tension. Abed’s had a pregnancy scare before, who’s to say he doesn’t have a wife stashed somewhere and he’s been framed for her murder? Then Troy explains the situation, and the conflict is set up: Annie, Shirley, and Britta want to have an intervention to make Abed normal, Troy thinks Abed is perfect, and Jeff doesn’t give a shit. Then Chang shoots a tranquilizer dart through a window and it’s awesome.
Troy absolutely makes this episode: his first speech in the study group talks about how Abed is better than normal; that Abed’s quirky weirdness and not-exactly-mild Aspergers’ (haha, AssBurgers) is good for the group; that Abed, for all of his self-absorption, knows how to make them feel appreciated as friends better than anyone. Then, Act Two has Troy desperately trying to make the party go well so that Abed doesn’t get his legs broken over a debt he refuses to acknowledge. Act Three has Troy angry at Abed for failing to recognize the fact that he owes his legs to Troy, and we see an argument that is as intense and real as Community gets (and trust me, that shit is real).
The nature of friendship is rarely addressed as seriously on television or in film. In romantic comedies, people expect the protagonists to clash: that’s how relationships become dramatic, and you always run back to your lover. No one ever talks about friendships—those conversations are couched in ridiculed euphemisms like “bro-mance” and “guy love.” Close male friendship is demeaned by being called homoerotic, and, you know, gay is bad. Women don’t necessarily have this issue, because their only goal in film is to get hitched and make babies. So when Troy and Abed are talking after Troy kicks the Patch Adams/Popeye the Sailor Man impersonators out, it felt painfully real. Troy doesn’t tell Abed he’s mad at him and refuses to go into the Dreamatorium. Abed is genuinely shocked to find out Troy lied to him. Then they reconcile, but Abed doesn’t do the handshake and goes to play Inspector Spacetime by himself.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t address this for a few more episodes and let that conflict simmer in the back of everyone’s minds. That’s how friendships end. There’s almost never one big thing that kills it. It’s more like something to “Jenga”; it gets pulled at and subtracted from until there's almost nothing left. And it sucks watching it on Community. Troy and Abed are easily the most likable characters, and they’re supposed to be pure comic relief. They’re not supposed to have tension. They’re Jim and Pam, Lutz/Twofer/Frank, Hawkeye and Trapper/B.J. Dan Harmon knows this, and kids, Dan Harmon does not care about your feelings. Unless the writers employ a Troy-like “Better than reality” card and let it drop, this Troy and Abed thing isn’t over, and it’s going to be excellently unpleasant.
A few quick notes:
Community has spent most of its time imitating other TV shows, genres, and tropes. Seriously, you can’t read a TV Tropes page on this show in under twenty minutes. It was nice to see the characters impersonating people while dealing with real issues, rather than the show impersonating other shows and the characters dealing with trope issues.
Immediately after Troy and Abed’s intensely emotional moment, Jeff and Britta have a quazi-one. It was difficult to understand why I cared so much less about them than Troy and Abed, but then I realized: the show has never decided whether it’s about Jeff and Britta or Jeff and Annie. Sure, Jeff started this messy study group because he wanted in Britta’s pants (“why can’t you see that for the compliment it is?”), but he made out with Annie at the end of season one, the most favorable timeline in “Remedial Chaos Theory” has him and Annie nearly making out, and they have a very clear and established chemistry. I think that “at the end of it all,” Jeff and Britta will “end up together,” but by gesturing to Jeff/Annie (again, is it lazy gesturing towards a shocker, deliberate trolling, or part of something bigger?), the writers make it much harder to care about Jeff/Britta.
The graphics have got to go. Jeff’s ego as an exploding apple, Chang’s power-hungry thought bubbles—just awful. Inexcusable. That is lazy—lazy writing, acting, and directing. Either show the characters’ thoughts and emotions or have them say something witty or wittily cliché, but cut the graphics out. It’s unbearable.
All in all, great episode.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Why Community is Awesome and Needs to Die
NBC’s Community returned from a midseason hiatus last night, which, as the show itself points out, pretty much means cancellation. Twitter was more overjoyed than Stevie Wonder, and the world was prevented from ending.
I’m sorry. I can’t substantiate that sentence. I stayed off Twitter and just watched the damn show, because as much as I really love Community, I really hate the internet love for Community.
It’s a hilarious, self-aware, hyper-meta show that makes jokes about itself, its genealogy, pop culture, and current events. It succeeds in being topical while being universal and not too heavy. If it does get too heavy, some character quickly swoops in to diffuse the situation and make everyone laugh or at least smile again. You care about all the characters. That said, it is flawed. It’s too weird for some people, too self-referential, and some would argue that its heavy reliance on (affectionate) genre parody is laziness, not originality. I’m not going to try to make a case for one side of the other—people who dislike it have an honest point. Nor am I really going to defend it.
*SPOILERS AHEAD*
Last night’s episode was about feminism, but not in too broad a sense. Shirley is remarrying her ex-husband Andre, but she and Pierce also want to go into business together (she has knowledge and goals, Pierce has money). The main subplot is Troy and Abed trying to “purge all the weirdness from our systems”—Community’s standard meta joke. The show is super weird, has really low ratings, and is on the verge of being cancelled. So Troy and Abed try to be “normal” in order to be more liked.
Last night’s episode illustrated exactly how finely Community straddles the line. Every scene started with me sighing, then at the last second, making me laugh or feel sympathy. Pierce is clunky and awkward, a Roger Sterling-esque princeling without the subtlety. But as soon as I was wishing the group really had banished him, we learn that his father’s company has fired him. His namesake company doesn’t want anything to do with him, and they only waited so long to axe him because they needed his father to die. Moments after wishing he didn’t exist, I was feeling sorry for him.
Britta and Jeff’s drunken, semi-sexual tension-y fight at the wedding rehearsal was another instance of this. They’re up at the altar, shouting marital clichés at each other. Shirley and Andre come in to talk them down, end up having a mini-fight, and then getting married. It’s a nice moment. Abed and Troy throw in some solid comedy, particularly Abed's tone-deaf complimenting of the shrimp cocktail that just pisses Andre off more. I don’t know if it’s because Danny Pudi looks like alien Don Draper, but it’s almost impossible not to laugh at everything he does.
After the weak resolution, the show morphs into a dance number and the monkey shows up. Then Troy and Abed start acting weird again. Community is back! Six seasons and a movie! I’m confident they can shake off the rust in the next episode, but the question remains: is Community aware that it has flaws? Is the post-modern hyper-meta nature of the show an easy way of editing these flaws, i.e., winking and nodding instead of addressing lazy writing? Probably both.
Which brings me to my larger point: Community can’t continue much longer. They lampooned BBC TV for ending all of its shows early, but American shows have a bad habit of staying too long. Sorry, internet, but it has to be cancelled soon. First of all, community college typically only lasts two years. They’re on year three. You can cheat your way through four seasons because what Community calls “real college” goes four years. The moment season five starts, Community jumps the shark.
A friend and I were talking once about how The Office was so hilarious because it was a comedy focused on some grim realities of the business world. After Michael Scott opened his own paper company in a basement, nothing about the show made sense anymore. That just couldn’t happen, anywhere, and therefore, it wasn’t funny. A few minutes later, I lamented the fate of Arrested Development. My friend agreed that while AD’s cancellation was unjust, but then he said, “If it was still on, we’d be saying the same things about it as we are about The Office.” So it seems to be either 1) overstay your welcome or 2) unjustly get cancelled early. Hopefully Community can use their limitless knowledge of television to realize the path they’re on and not do either.
I’m sorry. I can’t substantiate that sentence. I stayed off Twitter and just watched the damn show, because as much as I really love Community, I really hate the internet love for Community.
It’s a hilarious, self-aware, hyper-meta show that makes jokes about itself, its genealogy, pop culture, and current events. It succeeds in being topical while being universal and not too heavy. If it does get too heavy, some character quickly swoops in to diffuse the situation and make everyone laugh or at least smile again. You care about all the characters. That said, it is flawed. It’s too weird for some people, too self-referential, and some would argue that its heavy reliance on (affectionate) genre parody is laziness, not originality. I’m not going to try to make a case for one side of the other—people who dislike it have an honest point. Nor am I really going to defend it.
*SPOILERS AHEAD*
Last night’s episode was about feminism, but not in too broad a sense. Shirley is remarrying her ex-husband Andre, but she and Pierce also want to go into business together (she has knowledge and goals, Pierce has money). The main subplot is Troy and Abed trying to “purge all the weirdness from our systems”—Community’s standard meta joke. The show is super weird, has really low ratings, and is on the verge of being cancelled. So Troy and Abed try to be “normal” in order to be more liked.
Last night’s episode illustrated exactly how finely Community straddles the line. Every scene started with me sighing, then at the last second, making me laugh or feel sympathy. Pierce is clunky and awkward, a Roger Sterling-esque princeling without the subtlety. But as soon as I was wishing the group really had banished him, we learn that his father’s company has fired him. His namesake company doesn’t want anything to do with him, and they only waited so long to axe him because they needed his father to die. Moments after wishing he didn’t exist, I was feeling sorry for him.
Britta and Jeff’s drunken, semi-sexual tension-y fight at the wedding rehearsal was another instance of this. They’re up at the altar, shouting marital clichés at each other. Shirley and Andre come in to talk them down, end up having a mini-fight, and then getting married. It’s a nice moment. Abed and Troy throw in some solid comedy, particularly Abed's tone-deaf complimenting of the shrimp cocktail that just pisses Andre off more. I don’t know if it’s because Danny Pudi looks like alien Don Draper, but it’s almost impossible not to laugh at everything he does.
After the weak resolution, the show morphs into a dance number and the monkey shows up. Then Troy and Abed start acting weird again. Community is back! Six seasons and a movie! I’m confident they can shake off the rust in the next episode, but the question remains: is Community aware that it has flaws? Is the post-modern hyper-meta nature of the show an easy way of editing these flaws, i.e., winking and nodding instead of addressing lazy writing? Probably both.
Which brings me to my larger point: Community can’t continue much longer. They lampooned BBC TV for ending all of its shows early, but American shows have a bad habit of staying too long. Sorry, internet, but it has to be cancelled soon. First of all, community college typically only lasts two years. They’re on year three. You can cheat your way through four seasons because what Community calls “real college” goes four years. The moment season five starts, Community jumps the shark.
A friend and I were talking once about how The Office was so hilarious because it was a comedy focused on some grim realities of the business world. After Michael Scott opened his own paper company in a basement, nothing about the show made sense anymore. That just couldn’t happen, anywhere, and therefore, it wasn’t funny. A few minutes later, I lamented the fate of Arrested Development. My friend agreed that while AD’s cancellation was unjust, but then he said, “If it was still on, we’d be saying the same things about it as we are about The Office.” So it seems to be either 1) overstay your welcome or 2) unjustly get cancelled early. Hopefully Community can use their limitless knowledge of television to realize the path they’re on and not do either.
Monday, February 27, 2012
ASG Vs Oscars: Who Won?
Here we have a nice little breakdown of my TV night - filled with Oscar safety and All Star Game excitement. Which came out on top Le Sport or Les Pop Culture?
Did I Want to Kill Myself?
Oscars: Partially. If you consider everything, this was a very watchable Oscar night. It was nearly 2 hours in before I looked at the clock to see when I could continue on with more relevant things in my life. This is quite an accomplishment. They played it safe, which is good for those folks who think talkie pictures are just a fad.
All Star Game: Absolutely not. I flipped back and forth between both of these events, seemingly not missing anything important in either event. Perhaps this heightened my love of the NBA All Star Game, but let's be real - when LeBron James starts the second half 9/9 and brings his team back from 17 points down before failing to win, that's exciting.
Winner: All Star Game.
Who Had More Celebrities?
Oscars: I believe the Oscars win in terms of white celebrity - does it get bigger than Jonah Hill for the stoners, Brad Pitt for the 20 something females, George Clooney for everyone and Meryl Streep for every other woman? Probably not.
ASG: The NBA lured in celebrities fit for a more "urban" generation (I think that's the PC way to say it these days). Lil Wayne was there, presumably robotrippin', as was every other major rapper (50 Cent, Nicki "I'm gonna eye rape you" Minaj, Drake), and of course a smattering of others like Mary J. Blige, Floyd Mayweather - in his best Cosby sweater no less, and Spike Lee, who makes movies right? Shouldn't he be at the Oscars? Oh that's right, he doesn't have enough white people to hate in public right now.
Winner: Oscars.
Who has more surprises?
Oscars: The Oscars somehow made the Grammy's winners (Adele, and only Adel) seem surprising. The Artist basically won everything that wasn't technical, Hugo won everything that was technical and Meryl Streep won for best actress. I think we can safely guess no old people died this year from shock induced heart attacks.
ASG: The All Star game, while exciting, was filled with lackluster defense, LeBron James shining and then failing, and Kobe whining. These are things that can be expected from most regular season games and definitely every ASG.
Winner: Push.
Best dressed?
Oscars: I did not get to see the red carpet special, but I did get to see Angelina Jolie stick her leg out of her dress like she was trying to lure in an unsuspecting car, weird the awestruck male driver in and then eventually kill him - most likely in the midst of a sex act. Jonah Hill also stuck out - with his brownish purple bowtie and dress shirt. Yikes.
ASG: Meanwhile, the ASG was not much better. Mayweather wore his Cosby sweater, Chris Brown wore his brass knuckles, and the All Star Game uniforms weren't as hideous as past years. (Derrick Rose in that skin tight jersey, I'm looking at you.)
Winner: All Star Game.
Grand Winner: All Star Game. 2-1-1.
The 4th quarter of the All Star Game was more exciting than all 3 hours of the Oscars. There was actual suspense, instead of tepid aggravation as we had to wait to hear The Artist win everything. Bold prediction: Next year their will only be 2-3 talkie pictures nominated for Best Picture. Talkies are out, Chaplin's in.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Angry Boys - The Saddest Comedy
This post might hit deaf ears because only 245,000 people even watch this weird, weird HBO show. Angry Boys is a "comedy" from creator Chris Lilley, who plays almost every single one of the main characters. Lilley is a comedian born in Australia and has created previously great series like Summer Heights High and We Can Be Heroes. Every single series is the same mockumentary style, Lilley plays every main character, and weirdly each show's opening credits feature a children's choir singing while the camera shows different groups of children...It's weird. Summer Heights High was hilarious though and so I looked forward to ripping through Angry Boys on HBO GO.
Angry Boys centers around several story lines - a juvenile detention center and its compassionate, yet racist, elderly female caretaker (Lilley), a gay asian skateboarding teen and his mom (Lilley), two brothers (both Lilley) - one who is deaf, and S.MAUS, an American black rapper(Lilley), who throws the N word around about 24 times per episode . The show's story lines each entangle and at the end of the series they all come together somewhat miraculously and without merit at all. Throughout the 12 episodes I probably laughed a total of 7 or 8 times out loud, this was not a very good series.
In the last two episodes it got downright drama-y. The gay asian skateboard tells the world he isn't gay and then disavows his mom who threatens to kill herself, the female caretaker is found to have Alzheimers, almost killing a child with neglect and the two brothers struggle with saying goodbye, as one is forced to go to a deaf school. I'm all for drama - I'm currently trying to burn my retinas from the memory of Glenn Close's face after watching 13 episodes of Damages in 3 days or dramedy (The OC), but this just get's downright depressing. When a comedy goes entire episodes without even trying to make a joke, what's the point?
Spoiler alert ahead.
Even worse, the show ends on the sappiest possible conclusion. The brothers throw a going away party, inviting S.Maus!, the asian skateboarder, (both live in America, while the brothers live in Australia) and the surfer, who I forgot to include because every character looks the same (also played by Lilley). Their Alzheimer's grandmother forgets to invite them (cuz of dat Alzheimer's) and then apologizes to the boys. Seconds later, three cars pull up out of the middle of nowhere, literally, these boys live on a farm that spreads for miles of beautiful overgrown Australian desert. Out of the cars pop our celebrities who go on having a grand old time at a party across the globe with only 2 adults and 6 kids in attendance. The last 5 minutes of the season has no words, just an incredible Disney type orchestral piece as everybody rejoices.
This hopefully will end Lilley's mockumentary run, it seems like he ran out of funny ideas - n word jokes from a white guy in blackface excluded - and just decided to attempt to pull at our heart strings with the trials of characters I couldn't care less about.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Return of Community
Community has finally been released back on the world. Starting March 15 Community will return to NBC on Thursdays at 8 PM, pushing 30 Rock to 8:30 PM and taking Parks and Recreation off the schedule until Up All Night runs out of episodes. In doing so, NBC continues it's run of not having their 4 best shows on the same for a little bit longer. For whatever reason NBC just can't seem to let Community, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec and The Office on one night at the same time. Instead they throw out garbage like Whitney and Up All night - perhaps praying that people will fall asleep while The Office is on and thus be physically unable to change the channel when Up All Night arrives.
The bigger issue, however, is the return of Community - the great internet equalizer. Community gets some of the worst ratings a show can get in a primetime slot without cancellation. It's quirky brand of humor takes a certain type of fan, I suppose. Yet, the internet seemingly blew up early this afternoon when the creator of Community tweeted that the show was coming back. While the ratings scream "Who Cares?," Twitter seems to care way too much. Thus the juxtaposition - a show with no chance of surviving past season 4 (currently on 3), but a fanbase that will surely turn homicidal then suicidal when it inevitably gets cancelled. The math is all screwed up here - it must be that everyone who watches the show is a voracious internet voice for the internet, which has a much bigger audience than TV, to blow up when TV land doesn't care seems odd. Until you realize that everyone who does watch the show -- and its inability to have an episode that not so subtly references an entire movie per episode arc -- are exactly the type of people who stand in line for Star Wars 3D and spend several hours per day trolling message boards and creating Community memes like this.
Twitter feeds burst to life for 15 minutes with this seemingly joyous news, but in 12 weeks when the shows run is over and the cancellation rumors creep up, that's when Twitter will surely implode. All 1.2 million viewers of Community will strike hard and fast complaining till they get what they want. They've done it before, they somehow made this man a rap star.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The What I Think, You Think, She Thinks Meme
This is getting out of hand. In recent days the internet has been inundated by this new fangled meme that goes like this "job title or activity" at the top followed by 6 windows of different views of people.
"What my mom thinks I do"
"What society thinks I do"
'What my boss thinks I do"
"What my friends think I do"
"What I think I do"
"What I actually do"
This shit has to stop. Every one of these is the same and when you inevitably read one that relates to you, you exclaim loudly to yourself and immediately repost to your friends. This is why the internet will break someday, remember that. Not only does no one care about your particular field - everyone of these is the same. Let's break it down:
"What my mom thinks I do" = The idealistic view of my job
"What society thinks I do" = The simplified view of my job
'What my boss thinks I do" = The worst view of my job
"What my friends think I do" = The coolest view of my job
"What I think I do" = Nothing/Self Aggrandizing View
"What I actually do" = Nothing/The boring view of my job.
Every single one of these is the same - not only is it not funny, but I just decoded this quicker than Tom Hanks defeated the albino self mutilating priest in the Da Vinci Code. Come on internet, you can do better than this.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The Argument Against Whitney
Why do we care when celebrities die? The only feasible explanation is that they remind us of a time that we enjoyed with them. Michael Jackson gave millions of people audible joy throughout the 70's and 80's and then hundreds of boys an entirely different type of pleasure in the 90's, but the millions who grew up with the Jackson 5 or danced to PYT on a piece of cardboard back in the day will always think of Michael as a sign of good times. "Michael was with me when I had my first kiss!"
This supposed connection is enough to wipe away years of awful memories, years of mocking and not so subtle chuckling and yet, it still doesn't feel like an adequate excuse for sobbing. Whitney Houston is the recent heir to this throne of celebrities given the gift of a fantastic voice, great looks, and the constant need to medicate to "deal with the pain." I suppose this is a double edged sword, they can't deal with the fame so they need drugs, but when the fame starts fading they do ANYTHING to attempt to get it back. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not. With Whitney Houston it's important to remember she hasn't been relevant since the early 90's. While she had some massive songs in her peak years, she has done nothing but sully her reputation since then. Let's not forget that this not only happened, but she agreed to show it to millions of people on cable. She was THAT desperate.
Is it incredibly sad when someone with an immense amount of talent passes? Of course, but for the last 20 years we laughed at this woman's pain. We read the gossip magazines, watched her fail miserably on a reality show and bounce in and out of rehab without more than "poor girl" passing through our lips. People value celebrity deaths like family members - Twitter and Facebook exploded - and if that's the case shouldn't we be angry at what a waste of life this person was? She had the ability to be the voice of a generation, but just couldn't break her drug abuse cycle. It's sad, but I don't understand how death erases everything negative about a person's life. How are we so eager to mourn for someone who has been nothing but a doormat for us for years, just because she meant something somewhere in the corner of our mind?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Staying Alive With The Walking Dead
It's not that I hate The Walking Dead on AMC, it's just that I want to take several naps whenever there is not a commercial blasting me in the face. The Walking Dead is always the last show to be painstakingly viewed on my DVR and thus, it probably acts more like a sleeping aid than I realize. It has been well documented that the second season of this show has moved very, very slowly, but there was hope! There was a new show runner in town, the second half of the season would be better!
Then the first of 6 new episodes aired and I was in the same dream like state I was in 3 months ago, when I was left in a post apocalyptic farm world, where nothing is scary, ever. Something is wrong with a horror show that doesn't give you nightmares or create so much adrenaline that you can't sleep. The episode starts off with 37 minutes of the same poppycock from before - "get off my farm," "we need to save everyone," and "I love your Asian body." You can almost guarantee that a much wordier version of each of these quotes is in every episode. In the last 5 minutes of this episode we are introduced to a new character who seems shady and perhaps, will create some real problems for our crew. This show might be creeping on us....
SPOILER ALERT AHEAD
Yet in some fashion, the show runner for the Walking Dead must believe that it's just best not to rock the boat. These characters are introduced and subsequently extroduced (eh?) in one scene. The MO of this show seems to be "well lets put one good scare in per episode and then just meander around for another 40 minutes." This put a damper on my hopes for a good second half of the season, but things got worse. I read this interview with the new show runner who couldn't have screamed louder "I'M NOT TRYING TO UPSET ANYONE AT ALL ANYWHERE." He argues that the first half of the season wasn't his fault (it was a different show runner) but vehemently pushes that he and the previous show runner see eye to eye and get along. He has no problems with network budgetary cuts and he hates fan reactions that insinuate the show stinks. Hmmm, this seems like someone who just wants to come in and not make anyone mad.
It would be silly of us to think that a show runner obsessed with maintaining the status quo can really change a show that has the same aesthetic. A show that screams, "hey we are a zombie show, we have one zombie death per week," while also harping that 40 minutes of character (and not story) development are important and not as boring as watching Chelsea Handler.
This makes me throw up in my own mouth, and I anxiously await the return of The Killing on AMC, at least their show runner is willing to intentionally mess with an audience.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Kity Purry Need Records NOW
As I type this, I'm listening to Katy Perry's new song "Part of Me." When I watched it live on the Grammy's my inevitable first thought was "Wow, this is a break up song of magnanimous proportions." I'm partly impressed that she was able to turn out a break up song this fast and partly not impressed because I'm guessing a 34 year old producer with a one word name - most likely "Shyne" or something like that, wrote this song 4 years ago. However, after careful consideration something else needs to be pointed out. Katy Perry's desperate obsession to earn the title for most number 1 songs on an album.
She currently stands at 5 - California Girls, Teenage Dream, Last Friday Night, Firework and ET - and she came very close with a number 6 (which is the record, held by Michael "I Was A Teenage Black Child" Jackson) with The One That Got Away. As an avid hater of pop music I must say that I would listen to at least three of these songs without a gun pointing me in the face. I constantly like to pretend I'm Kanye and sing his verse on ET in the most nasal tone you can imagine. However, a few weeks ago I read this article that noted Katy Perry was "re-releasing" an acoustic version of The One That Got Away hoping to push it back up the charts after it had already started fading. This was the SECOND re-release - apparently she re-released it the first time with a B.O.B. remix.
This is obviously Katy Perry and her record company clamoring for a record. You release a song 3 separate times to try to get the record? That reeks of desperation. ITS ONLY A NUMBER 3 SONG GET OVER IT.
When I first heard the new song after the fear I felt for Russell Brand) I thought, I guess this makes sense, California Gurrrlz (pretty sure this is the correct spelling) came out 2 years ago, time for a new album - I guess this will be the single. Wrong.
She is re-releasing the ENTIRE album with this song and 2 other remixes added. Thus, this song will have the opportunity to make it to number 1 and give her the record. This song is beyond solid, she looked amazing last night doing it and oh yeah, girls under the age of 22 will definitely think this is their anthem for every guy that ever wronged them. Congratulations Katy Perry you finally did it, you have the "best" radio album ever, and it only took 4 different album versions over 2 years to get there!
Friday, December 24, 2010
What Your Television Shows Say About You P2.
ABC -
Dancing With the Stars - " I like to throw myself into a world of imagination where celebrities dance just as awkwardly as me!"
Skating With the Stars - "I like to watch shows where I'm more famous than the celebrities."
Detroit 1-8-7 - "I like the least amount of creativity in my show titles as possible. I named my dog Spot, and I named my cat, Cat. I also bask in the depression of a miserable town."
The Middle - "I really miss Everybody Loves Raymond. I really wish there were more CBS type comedies on TV."
Modern Family - "I am liberal, smart, and humble (ish). I can totally laugh at gay people, even though I still think it's a sin, and I'm totally not racist, because I'm down with Hispanic people in my TV programming."
Grey's Anatomy - "I am a woman."
FOX
House - " I like a lot of wit and depression in my doctor, because I like to live on the verge of not knowing if he will be too drunk to cure me."
Glee - "I used to sing in high school. ALOT. I got beat up or made fun of for it, but that's ok now, look at how popular this show is! Band and theater kids are cool again, right?"
Hell's Kitchen - "I don't care about cooking, I just like to see other people get destroyed (verbally, of course) by an angry British man."
Fringe - "It's been a long 5 years since the X-Files went off the air and now I don't have to smoke crack to ease that pain ever again!"
Cops - "I like to gaze at humans as if they were animals about to go into Zoo confinement."
Family Guy - "I enjoy a good non-sequitur, even if I don't get the reference. There is a 92% I am in college."
The Simpsons - "I used to be edgy, but I grew up and realized jokes were childish. Now I barely even attempt to be funny."
Thursday, December 23, 2010
What Your Television Shows Say About You
In the spirit of Christmas, I decided to take some time and break down the real meaning of the shows you watch and what they say about you. Am I generalizing? Yes. Do I Care? No. Merry Christmas. I was going to do the top 20 Nielsen rated shows but they are all on CBS, and it would just be the same joke over and over. Let's start there.
CBS Shows - If you watch any show on CBS you are basically saying, " I am over 50 years old, CBS was on when I clicked the TV on and I am way too lazy to change the channel." There can be no other acceptable explanation for why CBS has 17 of the top 20 most watched shows on television. Every single show (other than maybe How I Met Your Mother) is a generic comedy filled with canned laughter or a procedural drama where witty middle aged men figure out murders.
Sidebar: If you watch 2 and a Half Men you are saying - "Hey, listen, I know this show prominently features a man that cant stop doing crack and paying hookers, and always takes the easy "gay" joke, but it's comfortable, and my brain doesnt process "humor.""
Sidebar 2: Big Bang Theory viewers are basically convincing themselves they like a smart comedy - like Arrested Development - because the comedy show is ABOUT smart people. Don't be fooled folks, just because the characters are dorks and they make 1 science reference per episode, this is NOT a smart comedy.
NBC -
The Biggest Loser - This is the only non football or CBS show to make it in the top 20. If you watch this show you are either saying, "I like to laugh at fat people," or "This show will inspire me to lose weight, but thank god I'm not getting yelled at by that scary lesbian lady who may or may not experience a touch of roid rage."
Minute to Win it - I've never seen this show, but the dude from the Friday's commercials is in it and I don't like his blonde hair/brown goatee combo. It's off putting. If you watch primetime gameshows you are saying, "listen, I worked all day long. You expect me to sit here and use my brain to follow a storyline. PASS."
The Sing Off - "I only watch this show because American Idol and Dancing with the Stars aren't currently on, but I desperately need to see amateur people attempt to make art."
The Office - "I work in a workplace, but my co-workers aren't nearly as funny, maybe I can find some comic relief here. Also, I like to pretend none of my co-workers ever change in 7 years. In my brain, no one ever leaves or gets a promotion."
Community - "I'm so hip because I get all 800 pop culture references in each episode. Also, I live each day of my life in a different theme, because I'm way too boring to actually just wake up and live my life. One day I pretend I'm a Western, one day I'm in an action movie, one day I pretend I'm a clay figurine! I'm so cutting edge!"
30 Rock - "I am the opposite of someone who enjoys the Big Bang Theory. I am smarter than you and I talk about it at great length."
Outsourced - "I am a racist."
Law & Order: ANYTHING - " I'm slightly more entertaining than people who watch CSI, but I may or may not have a cryptic fascination in the murder of small children. I also severely lust after my co-worker with an unpronounceable last night name."
Tomorrow: Fox & ABC.
Christmas: Cable!
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Time I Guessed Emmy Winners
Best Comedy - Nurse Jackie (because it's on showtime, and is in no way funny, so that must make it deep). Modern Family won, I'm ashamed that I can't even guess things remotely right anymore. You should probably take me out of your life.
Best Drama - Dexter (because it's on showtime, and Michael C. Hall just got over cancer.) Mad Men was the winner, I guess this also makes sense, since you know, only 45 - 60 year old men vote on the emmys.
Best Made for TV Movie - Temple Grandin (the only one I saw and frankly Claire Danes was mesmerizing in the last 13 minutes of it). YES!!!! 1/3. Let's get the ball rollin, as Robert Downey Jr says in Tropic Thunder, you never go full retard, and I suppose autistic people arent fully retarded.
Lead Actor in a Drama - (Michael C. Hall, see above). Shiiiiiiiit. I was this close to batting .500. Winner here was Bryan Cranston, who has somehow won every year his show has been on. I think Malcolm in the Middle really helped him, since it was such a TERRIBLE show, now that hes on a good show, people just say, "oh shit, I cant believe he can act."
Lead Actress in a Drama - Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer. I don't know why, because TNT plays the ads as regular programming? Yep. The ads convinced the voters that this middle aged woman in a show about...closing...? was the best actress on TV.
Best supporting Actor in a Drama - If this isn't Michael Emerson from Lost, I'll kill myself AGAIN. I love his beady eyes. I refuse to comment on this atrocity.
Best supporting Actress in a Drama - I've never seen any of these shows. I'll guess someone from the Good Wife. Blah. Again, it's weird that I watch 30 shows, yet I haven't seen any of these, I'm guessing "The Good Wife" isn't aimed at 25 year old single males. Just a hunch. BOOM. Close it out strong. 3/7. Although I kind of cheated by just grouping all the actresses on "The Good Wife" together, but so be it. It's my blog, my rules.
Make sure to come back next year, as we watch the cast of Glee collectively sweep the entire award show!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Again)
I'm sitting here live from my apartment in Chicago where the Emmy's start at 7 pm and not 8. WTF???? Primetime at 7PM, I could get used to you. I'll be honest, I'm not gonna last all 3 hours. So I'm gonna go as long as I can before I pass out. Jimmy Fallon is hosting. LETS GO!
7 PM - Cast of Glee in the pre-recorded opening segment. Trying to raise money to go to the emmy's...good plot. Yikes.
7:01 - Here comes Tina Fey, Betty White and Don Draper as dancers and they decide to sing a Bruce Springsteen song (I think, I'm not a 55 year old douchebag from Jersey, so I'm not positive).
7:04 - Definitely Springsteen, this segment is overloaded with Bruce references (right down to the guitar and the infidelity). Unfortunately, MR Fallon's microphone was waaaaaaaay too loud and his out of breath singing was slightly embarrassing.
7:06 - Somehow he went from t-shirt and jeans to tuxedo...I suddenly don't think this is live anymore. A Conan O'Brien joke starts off the comedy. While we are here, I'm pretty upset that "Team Coco" is also live blogging the Emmy's, since that blog is written by actual comedy writers.
7:10 - They are doing "a year in comedy" recap and they included clips of Two and A Half Men, soooo the award show loses all of it's validity in the first 10 minutes. Fantastic.
7:11 - Outstanding Supporting Actor in Comedy - Three guys from Modern Family, NPH from How I met Your Mother, and Jon Cryer from Charlie Sheen's Show. A guy from Modern Family wins!!! Holy shit balls. I love that show. Is he gay in real life, let's find out...
7:13 - He doesn't sound gay, but his definitely Gay in real life tv partner is crying...so maybe something on the side? I'll go with not gay though.
7:14 - First commercial break and I'm pretty sure I already want to stop. So...let's compromise and say I'll do an hour. Deal? DEAL????????
7:18 - John Hodgman (my friend Scott's doppleganger in every way ever) is tonight's announcer and he's hilarious. Maybe he'll convince me to watch.
7:19 - Jim Parsons (who cares) and Sofia Vergara come out to present and do a terrible comedy routine where they make fun of her spanish accent. They present comedy series writer. Noms: 30 Rock, The Office, Glee, Modern Family. Emmy goes to Modern Family. THEY ARE CLEANING UP. I WATCH THAT SHOW. So does my dad, I find that weird, since he watches Sy-Fy on the reg and I cannot name one current sy-fy show.
7:22 - Stephen Colbert to present supporting actress in a comedy. Noms: Who cares, 2 people from modern family are nominated. One will win!
7:24 - No!!! Jane Lynch from Glee. She's funny in everything, although her other awesome TV show just got cancelled. You didn't even know it existed did you? You are the reason it was cancelled. I hate you.
7:30 - Back from commercial. Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry to present best guest actress in a comedy. Betty White will definitely win. This is a sham, she was TERRIBLE on that, I don't care if shes 83.
7:32 - YEP. NPH also won for best guest actor in a comedy.
7:33 - Best director in a comedy series. I missed the nominations. 30 Rock and Modern Family was in there with Glee. I'll guess Modern Family for everything. Nay, Glee wins.
7:35 - Modern Family pre-produced segment..with Stewie from Family Guy, 3D Modern Family, and turning the gay couple on the series straight. ON SNAP, 4th option, George Clooney as the new husband. I suppose this segment is cute, but uh...no one laughed in the audience. So lets move on.
7:37 - LL Cool J is still alive!!!? WTF. Lead actor in a comedy. 30 Rock, The Office, Larry David, Glee, Big Bang Theory, Monk. I bet Big Bang wins. I will kill myself if he does.
7:38 - Goddamit. I gotta kill myself. This show is not even a comedy. It's a bunch of "jokes" that are just rehashed from any other sitcom you've ever seen, and a live studio audience filled with monkeys that clap. He is talking about his "character development" in his acceptance speech. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. You aren't on the Wire buddy. So filled with hate right now. I have tried watching this show TWICE and can't make it through 1 episode. And I watch over 30 TV shows religiously. I HATE CBS. Rant over.
7:44 - Neil Patrick Harris burns Jimmy Fallon with a gay joke. He just got served. Best actress in a comedy series. Girl from Glee is gonna win.
7:45 - Nope, Edie Falco from Nurse Jackie? Is that even a comedy? Do people know that just because a show is on showtime or HBO, doesnt mean it's awesome? DO THEY? God, I need to burn something. Only 15 more minutes Kelson. You can do this.
7:46 - Reality TV summary, introduced by Kim Kardashian singing...ummm, wtf?
7:47 - I'm so bored by this recap, I don't even know what to say. There was a Snooki sighting..soo, that's nice.
7:49 - Will Arnett and Keri Russell (Felicity...?) to announce best reality competition program. Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Top Chef and something I missed. Top Chef wins!!! I watch that! My god. Two things here: first, this TV program is just ripping through awards, no clips of shows or actors, just reading names on a card and then immediately announcing. A blogger can't keep up. 2. Second, what is the criteria for best TV reality tv show? Seriously, the drama/tension it provides, how well it's produced, how entertaining it it is...I need criteria, and I need it now.
Alright another commercial break. Let's wrap this up. I'm gonna run through my guesses for the rest of the awards:
Best Comedy - Nurse Jackie (because it's on showtime, and is in no way funny, so that must make it deep).
Best Drama - Dexter (because it's on showtime, and Michael C. Hall just got over cancer.)
Best Made for TV Movie - Temple Grandin (the only one I saw and frankly Claire Danes was mesmerizing in the last 13 minutes of it).
Lead Actor in a Drama - (Michael C. Hall, see above).
Lead Actress in a Drama - Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer. I don't know why, because TNT plays the ads as regular programming?
Best supporting Actor in a Drama - If this isn't Michael Emerson from Lost, I'll kill myself AGAIN. I love his beady eyes.
Best supporting Actress in a Drama - I've never seen any of these shows. I'll guess someone from the Good Wife. Blah. Again, it's weird that I watch 30 shows, yet I haven't seen any of these, I'm guessing "The Good Wife" isn't aimed at 25 year old single males. Just a hunch.
Check back tomorrow with results!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Short Stories With Tragic Endings #10
I hate Travis McCoy. His new song "Billionaire," may possibly be the worst song ever written. While some might argue that it is the perfect summer song, a gentle, harmless song with easy to remember lyrics that could literally inspire anyone (3rd world countries! college students! single moms! oh my!!!) and an upstroke on the guitar so gentle that anyone weighing in at more than 100 pounds would break the guitar strings.
It's supposedly easy to listen to with the windows rolled down - but there are enough things wrong with this that I felt the need to break it down.
1) Travis McCoy is dead (apparently). In his place TraviE McCoy has risen. The only considerable difference is that Travis loves to smoke heroin and bang big breasted white ladies with big blue eyes that like to sing songs about kissing girls and liking it. TraviE only likes to sing faux inspirational songs. I prefer Travis.
2) Travis also fronted a band called the Gym Class Heroes who took on some emo success as a rap band that played instruments and actually sung about emotional issues (and had quite a famous songs name checking over 30 emo bands). They got popular, Travis dropped the mostly white backing band and here comes Travie. My question? Why couldn't this be a Gym Class Heroes song? It's not much different than what they were doing, other than some record label exec saying "Hey, maybe tone down the heroin references on this song and say "Oprah" once or twice. Ya know, to get the middle aged crowd involved."
3) The biggest reason this didn't involved the Gym Class Heroes is because Bruno Mars wrote this song, not Travie. Bruno also wrote the hook on that insufferable b.o.b. song (dont get me started). Let's just pretend that these aren't the same exact choruses for a few minutes. Have you officially sold out when you go from being in a band to having a "hitmaker" write your songs for you? (Feel free to start chanting her - o - in at anytime to get the old Travis back).
4) The words (posted below) are beyond atrocious. I'm pretty sure a 10 year old with a slight case of autism could probably come up with " I wanna be a billionaire, so friggin bad." Really, people? This CANNOT be the song of the summer. I'm halfway surprised McDonald's didnt jump on this and ask him to make the hook "I want to be a Menuaire, so mac'in bad." Kill us all.
[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
Give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
Give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
I’ll be playing basketball with the President
Dunking on his delegates
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
But keep the fives, twentys (?) completely separate
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing
[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
[Chorus]
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
I’ll be playing basketball with the President
Dunking on his delegates
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
But keep the fives, twentys (?) completely separate
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing
[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
[Chorus]
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!
Are you still alive? I'd be amazed. AMAZED if you were able to legitimately read through this and not die, or keel over laughing and then die. Please, if you are human, don't like this song, there are tons of FUN pop songs out there - Your Love is My Drug!!!! Also, don't listen to Kitty Purry's song either, that will make the devil take over the earth (or so I've heard.)
Sunday, June 06, 2010
The Time I Went to the MTV Movie Awards (LIVE!)
Here we are (Kristen Stewart and I) and I'm pissed I missed the Jersey Shore season 2 preview.
9:00 - Tom Cruise opens up the awards as his hilarious character from Tropic Thunder. Was this the last time Tom Cruise will ever be funny? I say yes. His thetan levels are creeping right up, not good for comedy.
9:02 - The skit includes Taylor Lautner (boo werewolves) and Robert Pattinson (yeaaaaaa vampires!), Michael Cera's 1 character and Will Smith's corpse (dragged along by his terrible child). While we are here, may we all agree that the Karate Kid movie will probably be the biggest bust of the summer. If you pay to see that movie, you may or may not be responsible for a certain oil spill.
9:04 - Skit over, it had some funny moments, but Will Smith's kid didnt die in the end, so I wasnt satisfied.
9:05 Aziz Ansari (from Human Giant fame) is hosting and I'm pretty sure he's gonna rock it. By the way, we've already had at least 5 bleeps. (6 happened while I was typing that). Anddddddddddd 7. MTV is so f*ckin edgy.
9:06 - Aziz is playing Precious - it's funny because he is literally 1/3 of the size of that actress.
9:07 - OMFG Bieber. That is all.
Sidebar: I have like a faux Bieber fever, I obviously can't stand his all in (part emo, part hip hop, part cute kid) persona, but my god is it fun to pretend to be in love with a 15 year old boy....Wait a second...that doesn't sound right.
9:08 - Some stand up from Aziz. Not too funny. More cursing though, so I guess that makes it funny.
9:10 - Crowd shot of Robert Pattinson, he shaved the side of his head. He might be trying to steal from Morrissey and I just might have to murder him. Another shot further reveals he frosted his tips. Maybe he's playing Lance Bass in the upcoming N*Sync biopic.
9:12 - The cast of the grown-ups (whose average age is close to 45) hasn't had a combined hit in at least ...7 years? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this movie wont buck that trend. Oh shit, someone dug up Rob Schneider's corpse for this. Wonder what his family has to say about that.
9:13 - They present best female performance. Kristen Stewart (my date), Zoe Saldana (Avatar), Sanra Bullock, Amanda Seyfried. K-stew is gonna win.
9:14 - BOOM. 1/1. I always start so well. She's wearing a kind of weird dress that makes her look like a boy in drag. I'm surprised female fans vote for her, you know because they all want to either kill her and use her skin to acquire blood from Robert Pattinson.
9:15 - TI is apparently out of prison. He tells me to vote for best movie of the year. That was beyond useless.
Commercial break time. This new MTV show looks ridiculous, I feel like if this situation (a nerd gets pantsed in front of the entire school, but the school finds out he is hung like a rhino) happened in real life, the bullies in school would probably just come up with an inventive slur like "horse dick" and be on their way. No one would drool over him, he doesn't know how to use it!
9:21 - And we are back - Aziz intro's the stars of Get Him to the Greek and screws up Russell Brand's name. HOW HARD IS THIS JOB. They are presenting the award for best breakout star. Puffy tries to pull of jokes, but apparently has a hard time reading and just curses and stumbles his way through it. Curse count is at 13 now. Nominess, Zach Galifianakis, Precious, Chris Pine (from Star Trek), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air) and the guy from the Blindside....oh and a 6th? the guy from that Harry Potter rip off movie . I'm gonna guess Precious....sadly.
9:25 - Anna Kendrick wins - I just saw this movie and it was fantastic and she was awesome. Also...we were born on the same exact day in the same exact year. So we might be soulmates...not that I stalk her or anything.
9:26 - The guys from the Hangover (Ken Jeong and Ed Helms) do some interpretative dancing of their song from the Hangover. Ken Jeong is in a tiger leotard (conveniently missing ass cheeks).
9:27 - Interrupted by Tom Cruise on stage (doing his character) and this is kind of awesome. He's about to rap. I feel it. I FEEL IT.
9:28 - He dances instead, to the Ludacris song and it's pretty f*cking funny. And then Jennifer Lopez comes out? What the F is happening here, they are doing a dancing duet. This is truly a "Ummm, WTF?" moment.
9:30 - Lindsay Lohan is here. ...I'm just surprised she was able to wipe the cocaine off her nose, I thought it was permanently there.
Commercial break. My god MTV, you are actually putting on a decent show. (Although I wont forgive that Puffy segment - who incidentally walked off stage before even finishing his job. That was weird.)
9:35 - We are back - Steve Carell and Paul Rudd are here to present "scared as shit performance". Jessie Eisenberg, Allison Lohman, Katie Featherston (Paranormal Activity), the guy from District 9 and Amanda Seyfried. I'll guess the girl from Paranormal Activity....
9:36 - GD - 1/3 - Amanda Seyfried wins for Jennifer's Body (I think, although it could possibly be for that terrible chick flick movie she did with the guy that used to be a stripped. Dear John...that sounds scary ish.
9:37 - Harry Potter 7 preview. That was kind of neat, I just finished reading the book (about 2 pages a day for 4 years). So, I'm a little excited to see this film. On an unrelated note, I'm moving to wherever Brown University is to stalk Emma Watson.
9:38 - Another commercial break. While we are here I should mention the bleep count is up to around 20. I wonder if they realize it's only funny once in awhile.
9:40 - Just saw a commercial for "Cats and Dogs: The Return of Kitty Galore." Yea, that movie actually happening.
9:43 - We are back with Jessica Biel and Bradley (I'm in my 40's, but girls still think I'm hot even though I've been around the block and back) Cooper to present best kiss. MTV does a kiss cam of stars and Zac Efron looks nervous about kissing his long time GF on camera....Uhh that's questionable right?
9:44 - I missed a lot of the nominees. I'm gonna guess Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift from Valentine's Day.
9:45 - G*D Damn. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, wasn't aware that he was nominated or I OBVIOUSLY would've picked him. They go to kiss on stage and they tease everybody about kissing before not kissing at all. Also weird.
9:47 - Jason Segel and iCarly come on to present Katy Perry and Snoop, and he makes things really awkward by telling her he really enjoys her TV show. She says thanks and then he goes...NO REALLY. Just to clarify - she is like...16. He's in his mid 30's.
9:49 - Katy Perry performs her awful awful awful new song California Gurrls. Her hair is a weird color and her boobs are huge, are you surprised by any of this information? Didn't think so.
9:50 - I'm horrified that this girl was on Warped Tour just a few years ago. Now she collabs with SNOOP, yo. I've read in interviews that this is her "response" to Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind." I feel like this "battle" winner could be determined by a deaf mute who lives in the darkest corners of Antarctica.
Commercial break. I really think we need another Tom Cruise cameo to liven things up. I'm about to crash. Bleep count is at 32, in case you were wondering. Also, we haven't seen the host of this show since 9:30....
9:57 - We are back with a skit with the guys from Human Giant doing a skit thats obnoxiously close to a skit they did on Human Giant. There was no humorous parts to be found.
9:59 - Betty White (this trend has got to end. NOW. Thanks Snicker super bowl commercial. Not only are we going to have to deal with 2010 being the year of Betty White, but in 2011 everyone will get all sad when she dies, because she had such a big 2010. I cant handle that sadness. I CANT) Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansson present Sandra Bullock with the generation award. I mean...its nice and all, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with any recent tabloid news. I just think its nice that she is out in public. She's a national treasure (according to Betty White).
10:06 - There was a 5 minute clip of her movie career and then a 30 second standing ovation. Her speech is was strong, in this emotional moment, I'd to add that she was really really hot in The Proposal.
10:09 - An awkward moment between Scarlett Johanson and Sandra Bulluck (about why she was Scarlett was on stage) turns into a kiss renactment of Scarlett's husband (Ryan Reynolds) scene in The Proposal. Yeah...it was convoluted.
10:10 - The cast of Scott Pilgrim does the best "WTF" moment, an obvious reference to this blog. Ken Jeong wins, I wouldn't have guessed. I've lost my luster. Take me out back and kill me. While I'm here I should mention that I once walked past him as he was sitting on a staircase in the hotel I work at. He looked mean, I didn't talk to him.
10:13 - He accepts the award and gets really really choked up and I'm wondering why and then he starts openly crying about how his wife beat breast cancer. It was sweet that he could do that, it just came out of nowhere. And it was also a little scary, like watching someone have a nervous breakdown.
10:15 - Aziz does a rap tribute to Avatar that ends with "Fuck BP". So that's cute.
10:16 - Sam Jackson, The Rock and Eva Mendes come out to introduce best villian, while Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell hang from the rafters about them. I can't even accurately describe what a trainwreck this is. The bleep count is now well over 60 and apparently they forgot to bleep Mark Wahlberg, because fuck you, kind of maybe got out. Not many laughs during that segment which revolved around Mark Wahlberg being pissed he was stuck but since 5 people were all talking and cursing at the same time it was kind of just 1 long bleep with words like "the" and "you" tossed for pacing. Oy.
10:19 - The blond kid from Harry Potter wins while Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell interrupt. Another shit slips through. Which is funny, because thats kind of what the show has become.
Commercial break. I need to recover, like submerge myself in ice cold salt water after opening up several self inflicted wounds on my body. That segment was indescribably bad. As soon as the youtube video is posted, I will post it. WOW.
10:27 - I missed the badass award nominees but some guy named Rain won. I don't eve know what movie he was in. He spoke broken english and smacked his ass, so that's cool.
10:28 - The stars of Twilight come out to introduce a clip of the new Eclipse movie. Kristen is really letting me down, she's being overly friendly tonight, and not the somber brooding girl I'm used to. I'm about to dump her.
10:30 - That clip really didnt show anything I couldnt have guessed. Live blogging these last 30 minutes will be torture. I think I'd rather watch an episode of Two and A Half Men.
Commercial Break.
10:35 - Jessica Alba and Vanessa Hudgens come out to present leading male performance. Was anyone else aware that Jessica Alba was still alive? Good for her. Nominees: Robert Pattinson, Channing Tatum, Harry Potter, Zac Efron, Taylor Lautner. So Jacob vs Edward. I'm gonna guess Edward - since he has won everything else.
10:37 - Boo ya. So i guessed 2 right tonight. Good for me. Robert thanks Kristen, she rolls her eyes. My girl is back. YES
10:38 - McLovin comes out to introduce Christina Aguilera. Drops another bleep. Also, I should mention that they aren't even bleeping these curses, they are just cutting the audio together. I think the bleep is funnier.
10:39 - Speaking of funny, Christina Aguilera's new song is kind of terrible huh? Apparently she saw Lady Gaga get huge and decided that was the way to go. Kind of like how she copied Britney Spears in the cute, young teen stage, and then the sexy whore stage and then dropped those in favor of the "Im a serious artist" schtick. It's good to see the ole XTina back, I always felt that that Christina was slutty enough to sleep with any guy she saw randomly on the street. So guys, keep your eyes peeled!
10:42 - The performance ends with a close up shot of Xtina's Vag and the glowing heart on it...Followed by a kiss cam shot of Katy Perry and her FIANCE Russell Brand, pretending to Kiss and then her pulling away while he is confused and keeps trying to kiss her. This was not an act, he was genuinely trying to kiss her. Fun times. Only 15 more minutes. We can do this.
Commercial break.
10:48 - Zach Galifianakis in a skit with Aziz as his "swagger" coach. And it's terrible. MORE TOM CRUISE PLZ.
10:50 - Zac Efron to present best comedic performance - and he tried to make some jokes. Cute. Noms: Ben Stiller, Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock, Zach G and Bradley (straight guy in a comedy) Cooper. I vote Zach G and he wins. YESSSSSSSS. 2 in a row. I feel like a baller.
10:52 - Aziz accepts as his character from the skit and continues to not be funny.
Commercial break.
Final award is best movie of the year and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say New Moon wins. Let's hope I finish strong - 3 in a row!
10:58 - TOM CRUISE RETURNS. But as himself with Cameron Diaz to present best movie, she kinda looks like a mess, just staring blankly into the camera. Noms: Avatar, New Moon, Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, New Moon, and the Hangover. Finish strong Kelson, you can do this.
11:00 - New MOON WINS. Nice. I cant wait for my date to mumble blindly about how she hates her world. ....And she doesnt even talk, but to bring the whole thing full circle, the guy that accepts the award references the fact that there were a lot of F-bombs during the night and the proceeds to use the F-bomb every other word. I think we broke 100. We did it, it was truly an amazing night for all of us. And in case you were wondering about 10 F-bombs got through at the end, just a terrible job from the censors tonight.
And that's all folks, I will not be watching the Hard Times of RJ Berger, let's not talk about it. Ever.
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