The Argument Against Whitney

Why do we care when celebrities die? The only feasible explanation is that they remind us of a time that we enjoyed with them. Michael Jackson gave millions of people audible joy throughout the 70's and 80's and then hundreds of boys an entirely different type of pleasure in the 90's, but the millions who grew up with the Jackson 5 or danced to PYT on a piece of cardboard back in the day will always think of Michael as a sign of good times. "Michael was with me when I had my first kiss!"

This supposed connection is enough to wipe away years of awful memories, years of mocking and not so subtle chuckling and yet, it still doesn't feel like an adequate excuse for sobbing. Whitney Houston is the recent heir to this throne of celebrities given the gift of a fantastic voice, great looks, and the constant need to medicate to "deal with the pain." I suppose this is a double edged sword, they can't deal with the fame so they need drugs, but when the fame starts fading they do ANYTHING to attempt to get it back. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not. With Whitney Houston it's important to remember she hasn't been relevant since the early 90's. While she had some massive songs in her peak years, she has done nothing but sully her reputation since then. Let's not forget that this not only happened, but she agreed to show it to millions of people on cable. She was THAT desperate.

Is it incredibly sad when someone with an immense amount of talent passes? Of course, but for the last 20 years we laughed at this woman's pain. We read the gossip magazines, watched her fail miserably on a reality show and bounce in and out of rehab without more than "poor girl" passing through our lips. People value celebrity deaths like family members - Twitter and Facebook exploded - and if that's the case shouldn't we be angry at what a waste of life this person was? She had the ability to be the voice of a generation, but just couldn't break her drug abuse cycle. It's sad, but I don't understand how death erases everything negative about a person's life. How are we so eager to mourn for someone who has been nothing but a doormat for us for years, just because she meant something somewhere in the corner of our mind?

Staying Alive With The Walking Dead

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It's not that I hate The Walking Dead on AMC, it's just that I want to take several naps whenever there is not a commercial blasting me in the face. The Walking Dead is always the last show to be painstakingly viewed on my DVR and thus, it probably acts more like a sleeping aid than I realize. It has been well documented that the second season of this show has moved very, very slowly, but there was hope! There was a new show runner in town, the second half of the season would be better!

Then the first of 6 new episodes aired and I was in the same dream like state I was in 3 months ago, when I was left in a post apocalyptic farm world, where nothing is scary, ever. Something is wrong with a horror show that doesn't give you nightmares or create so much adrenaline that you can't sleep. The episode starts off with 37 minutes of the same poppycock from before - "get off my farm," "we need to save everyone," and "I love your Asian body." You can almost guarantee that a much wordier version of each of these quotes is in every episode. In the last 5 minutes of this episode we are introduced to a new character who seems shady and perhaps, will create some real problems for our crew. This show might be creeping on us....

SPOILER ALERT AHEAD

Yet in some fashion, the show runner for the Walking Dead must believe that it's just best not to rock the boat. These characters are introduced and subsequently extroduced (eh?) in one scene. The MO of this show seems to be "well lets put one good scare in per episode and then just meander around for another 40 minutes." This put a damper on my hopes for a good second half of the season, but things got worse. I read this interview with the new show runner who couldn't have screamed louder "I'M NOT TRYING TO UPSET ANYONE AT ALL ANYWHERE." He argues that the first half of the season wasn't his fault (it was a different show runner) but vehemently pushes that he and the previous show runner see eye to eye and get along. He has no problems with network budgetary cuts and he hates fan reactions that insinuate the show stinks. Hmmm, this seems like someone who just wants to come in and not make anyone mad.

It would be silly of us to think that a show runner obsessed with maintaining the status quo can really change a show that has the same aesthetic. A show that screams, "hey we are a zombie show, we have one zombie death per week," while also harping that 40 minutes of character (and not story) development are important and not as boring as watching Chelsea Handler.

This makes me throw up in my own mouth, and I anxiously await the return of The Killing on AMC, at least their show runner is willing to intentionally mess with an audience.

Kity Purry Need Records NOW

As I type this, I'm listening to Katy Perry's new song "Part of Me." When I watched it live on the Grammy's my inevitable first thought was "Wow, this is a break up song of magnanimous proportions." I'm partly impressed that she was able to turn out a break up song this fast and partly not impressed because I'm guessing a 34 year old producer with a one word name - most likely "Shyne" or something like that, wrote this song 4 years ago. However, after careful consideration something else needs to be pointed out. Katy Perry's desperate obsession to earn the title for most number 1 songs on an album.

She currently stands at 5 - California Girls, Teenage Dream, Last Friday Night, Firework and ET - and she came very close with a number 6 (which is the record, held by Michael "I Was A Teenage Black Child" Jackson) with The One That Got Away. As an avid hater of pop music I must say that I would listen to at least three of these songs without a gun pointing me in the face. I constantly like to pretend I'm Kanye and sing his verse on ET in the most nasal tone you can imagine. However, a few weeks ago I read this article that noted Katy Perry was "re-releasing" an acoustic version of The One That Got Away hoping to push it back up the charts after it had already started fading. This was the SECOND re-release - apparently she re-released it the first time with a B.O.B. remix.

This is obviously Katy Perry and her record company clamoring for a record. You release a song 3 separate times to try to get the record? That reeks of desperation. ITS ONLY A NUMBER 3 SONG GET OVER IT.

When I first heard the new song after the fear I felt for Russell Brand) I thought, I guess this makes sense, California Gurrrlz (pretty sure this is the correct spelling) came out 2 years ago, time for a new album - I guess this will be the single. Wrong.

She is re-releasing the ENTIRE album with this song and 2 other remixes added. Thus, this song will have the opportunity to make it to number 1 and give her the record. This song is beyond solid, she looked amazing last night doing it and oh yeah, girls under the age of 22 will definitely think this is their anthem for every guy that ever wronged them. Congratulations Katy Perry you finally did it, you have the "best" radio album ever, and it only took 4 different album versions over 2 years to get there!

The Angry White Bus Driver

Today, I had the same bus driver two days in a row and this is only of note because on the first day I had him, he tried to destroy my soul. If you are unfamilliar with public transit and the people who operate the buses and trains, you can generally imagine people that don't give a shit about you and will most likely try to make you shit your pants while speeding around corners in a 53 foot death trap. This is actually preferred. Bus drivers often let slews of people on when their transit cards don't work and show about as much effort and respect for the job as Eddie Murphy when he decided the Adventures of Pluto Nash was a good idea.

This makes it easier for everyone, you don't bother them and they only bother you when are at a 45 degree angle looking over the roof of a Ford Taurus. These last two days I was not lucky enough to have such a bus driver. My transit card is a UPass, given to me by my school for use throughout the semester. It has my picture on it (where I attempted to smile and came out looking a little too creepy to be within 50 feet of a school) and the picture is smack in the middle of the card. When you swipe the card it swipes through a machine vertically and thus when it reads, the entire card is in a machine. In the 8 months I have had this card not once has anyone given me trouble for using this UPass.

This bus driver, probably hoping for a promotion, decided that he needs to see the picture on the card as it swipes through the machine. A process that takes 1.3 seconds to swipe, and this driver thinks he will catch a glimpse of my chubby face in a 1 inch picture from 4 feet away. As I swiped the card and began my journey past the horrific faces on the bus (generally, only crazy people take the bus, I'm not sure why, since it's a valid form of transportation and I'm not sure if that also makes me crazy) and he stops me.

"See your ID?" he grumbled in a voice that had obviously been tarnished by years of Lucky Strike cigarettes.

"Huh?"

"SEE YOUR ID?"

I take my headphones out and he says it one more time with this delightful explanation attached. "You are covering the picture on the card because you don't want me to see who is actually on there, so I need to see your school ID."

I hand him the ID and he then stops the bus completely and compares the two for at least 6 seconds (the pictures on each card are the same) and then begrudingly realizes I wasn't trying to scam the CTA and tells me not to cover the picture anymore. This card is the size of a credit card and you have to hold it from the top to swipe it, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to show him my picture without mashing it against his eye.

This morning, when we met again, I pulled out the card like a dainty southern belle holding out her hand to be kissed at the Kentucky Derby (although I forgot my fancy hat). I clutched the card so gently from the top corner with just my thumb and index finger, that a light breeze would've blown it away. The angry white bus driver knew it was me, I held the card up to his face and then swiped and he nodded, allowing me the honor of sitting on a bus I had already paid for. The moral of the story? You can't trust whitey.

The Time I Experienced the Playoffs

I have been an avid fan of football (and sports in general for as long as I can remember). In fact my deepest memory is listening to the Dodgers play the Mets on the radio right around 1992. Although I am now a Mets fan, I was a Dodgers fan in those days and I can vividly remember not being able to fall asleep because I was unsure of what Brett Butler was going to do on the base paths.

I live and breathe my own fandom - the Mets 2006 NLCS debacle is still a touchy subject for me. However, there have been very few times in my lifetime where I have truly experienced a city gather around a team and go nuts for them (this tends to happen when you live in the suburbs or a state that has no baseball team and a football team that can be described as "lackluster" at best) . I was hoping to change that this afternoon when I hit up a local bar to watch the NFC Championship game where the Bears played their heated division rival, the Green Bay Packers.

The plan was to go to a bar on Clark Street - which is a street that Wrigley Field sits on. It is filled with bars and not just any bars. Bars that have Televisions at every booth and attract Jersey Shore-ites on vacation in Chicago. It's a hoppin' place.

My friends found a bar first (around 12, 2 hours before game time) and were confined to standing room only. Luckily by the time I arrived they had found a table where we proceeded to wait for the game to start.

All I heard all week were Bears fans coming out of the woodwork to root for a team where I'm not sure they could name more than 5 players. The papers were littered with pictures of Jay Cutler sneering (you couldn't see the sneer, but if it's Jay Cutler, you can assume it's there.) This was the same city whose own sports columnist claimed the Bears would go nowhere this season and yes, he wears a paper bag over is head. So, sure, I was a little suspicious of the new found interest in the Bears. The tipping point might've happened when an acquaintance wrote on his Facebook wall "ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE BEARS GAME" - this same acquaintance did not watch the game last week, or even know who the Bears were playing.

This is what happens, I'm well aware of bandwagon fans in sports. Almost any Red Sox or Celtic fan is a bandwagon fan. (Here's a test - Ask them about Troy O'Leary's ethnicity. If they say White, they aren't a fan). But this is Chicago! People were pumped and I was pumped to share the experience with them, because cheering is cheering, especially when it's done by 400 people at the same time.

Back to the bar, these supposed fans weren't super excited for the game, they were super excited for the music being played BEFORE the game. A little bit of Bieber, a little bit of Train. It was my worst nightmare. The $5 bottles of Bud Light weren't helping the situation (nor was the fact that they didn't sell PBR). This was going to be an expensive day filled with awful music. Although it might be my own fault, I had been to this bar twice before and I know it's a "bro" bar - where backwards hats are cool and girls wear enough makeup to kill 3 spider monkeys. In fact when I told my girlfriend where I was, she said, "That's where dreams go to die." But that's ok, the fans are still here and the game is about to start.

When the game started it became clear - every commercial break would be filled with this insipid music, sometimes the fat Samoan (is this being redundant? Are all Samoans fat?) would forget to turn off the music when the game came back on. I've never wanted to hear Joe Buck so badly in my entire life. As the Packers took a 14-0 lead the crowd pretty much seemed dead. When Cutler declined to come back for the 2nd half, there weren't loud uproars (except from my friend who used a lot of ugly terms. Real bad), it's like these fans didn't realize Todd Collins whose regular season QB rating was 5.9 (as comparison Tom Brady's was 110. That's right Tom Brady is 20 times better than Todd Collins). Todd Collins threw 5 interceptions on just 27 attempts. This was a disaster for the Bears fans, but they didn't express their dismay.

I realized I was in the wrong place for this. While it is obviously more fun to watch a group of fans get entirely over excited about a football game, it is endlessly interesting to watch them hurl insults at players that are much much bigger than them and these fans only had one mode. Happy!

This would soon become pretty obvious when the Bears scored a TD and the place went nuts. The top floor of the bar seemed to literally shake as Bears fans jumped up and down. I imagine the floor would've disintegrated had real Bears fans been in there (this constitutes 300 lb men with mustaches who look like John Goodman). That probably should've been my first clue as to the level of fandom in this bar - too many attractive girls wearing Devin Hester jerseys and too many guys wearing sunglasses inside.

The Packers scored again and the place didn't go eerily numb; it just went indifferent. With 6 minutes left people knew the game was over but weren't overly emotional about this outcome, they were just happy to drink buckets of Bud and dance to the music that was now going so far into the game action that we were missing plays. Joe Buck, WHERE ARE YOU?

Then, almost all of the sudden the Bears scored again and were down by 7 with 4 minutes to go. They bar played the "bear down" theme song and then quickly segued into the famous "shots shots shots shots shots" song - where the chorus is literally people screaming shots over and over. This song was played 4 times during the 4 hours I was there. Then the weird part happened, the momentum only slightly carried over as the Bears forced the Packers to punt. The bar quit playing audio of the game altogether at parts so they could play more club-esque music, hoping to get people pumped up. But this is a football game, people should start their own cheers, this is the biggest game of their season and they need to be poked into getting riled up? Not a good sign for these fans.

As the Bears drove for the final drive, the bar was actually hopping again. People were obscuring my view of the screens and yelling and high fiving with every play. Ok, this is what should be happening (regardless if Chris Brown is playing in the background). Then the final play of the Bears season came, an interception and the bar fell silent. Anticipating this heartache I quickly tweeted "someone just stabbed this bar in the chest."

But that was inaccurate, Bears fans didn't seem to be any more somber. Music was still blasting and they were all still sitting at their tables, talking to their friends, perhaps waiting for the next game. My friend, a true Bears fan I suppose, was too distraught to want to do anything and he went home, but as we packed up and left the bar, we were the only ones! While I can't tell people what to feel, I think that after an excruciating loss I feel like you need time to recover. Hell, I've felt sadder after television episodes end (yes episodes, not even seasons). Not these Bears fans! They were ready to keep the party pumping.

To me, this would be like someone telling you a family member was in the hospital, yeah you might feel bad, but hey, you're already at this bar, so why not keep paying for over priced alcohol!

The real lesson I learned was where to go to see real fans. The bar I was at were mainly people just like me, people who wanted to be a part of this experience but who didn't really know how to be an active participant (in my case I declined to, my dad is a shareholder for the Packers). The problem here is obvious, you can't get a real experience with people who are just in search of a real experience. Fans aren't the ones who brag about going to games, fans are the ones who brag ABOUT the game.