This is a two part story about Sheetz. I'm going to tell you the second part first, as it is the more amazing part of the story and literally made me speed out of the Sheetz parking lot faster than Miley Cyrus gives away her virginity to the first 20 something with a cock and a fistful of condoms that knocks on her door.
Part 2: Today, I was at Sheetz. Sheetz is a gas station that is kind of like Wawa for you northerners. It is so cozy and friendly, that they let your order ready made sandwiches from your gas pump (unfortunately for the truly obese, they do NOT bring it out to you). I decided to stop at Sheetz on the way to Chapel Hill because they always have the cheapst gas ($1.73). As I pull in, I see only one spot open, all the way on the opposite end, so I pull and take it. No problems here.
I get out of the car only to find a black man with an odd look on his face. He looks and me and sort of grunts and I sort of grunt back and continue on my gas pumping ways. I then notice him staring at my license plate, peeking around the corner of the pump and talking out loud. I assumed he was on a bluetooth (because who isnt nowadays?) and continued on my business. Then as soon as I pull my credit card out, he approaches me. I will re-enact this scene in the form of a movie script.
Kelson: PULLS OUT CREDIT CARD. GOES TO SWIPE. ODD LOOKING BLACK MAN COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE GAS PUMP.
OLBM: Yo, some peoples been hassing me on the highway.
Kelson: Huh?
OLBM: Peoples with the license plate WX sumthin, been harassing me on the highway recently. WXT or WXL. Always WX.
Kelson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
OLDBM: LOOKS INTO KELSON'S CAR, PEERING IN AT THE PERSONAL EFFECTS TO SEE IF KELSON HAS BROUGHT SOME HARASSING TOOLS.
Kelson: Oh, Do I have WX something plates? I don't even know. LOOKS AT PLATES.
OLBM: Yeah, you people been coming up to me all over the place the last few weeks, keeping an eye on me, thats why you pulled up next to me right here. You one of them.
Kelson: SCARED SHITLESS. Sir, I'm not in any sort of group that's been harassing you, I've never met you before in my life nor would I be in any sort of group that would want to harass you. KELSON PREPARES TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT HE VOTED FOR OBAMA.
OLBM: Well, you keeping an eye on me, but we got eyes on you all the time too. Trust that. You won't see em but they're there.
Kelson: DRYING URINE ON PANTS. Sir, I didn't chose my license plates, the state gave them to me, it's unfortunate that you are getting harassed by anyone, let alone people with the same license plates, but I'm not even from around here, so I dont have anything to do with that.
OLBM: Alright. EXTENDS HAND FOR FIST BUMP. Peace and love then.
Kelson: FISTS BUMPS. Gets back in car and drives away, even though he wanted to check to see if Sheetz has Jolt.
SCENE.
Part 1 tomorrow.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Time I Became A Gambling Addict
Let's be honest here. I am not a wealthy man and my future has already given me a big thumbs down on being able to afford health insurance in the next..oh, 4 years. So with that in mind, I turn to a more lucrative form of income (apart from the hundreds I make per month at my real job!). I've decided to become a professional gambler (it makes the ladies swoon and the MOB bosses pay a lot of attention to you at the same time. It kills two birds with one stone, Money woes? GONE. Need for constant attention? GONE! Daily fear of waking up with only one kneecap? HERE TO STAY!)
The urge started one Sunday morning when a friend told be about an online betting website. The mention was enough to get me (if thats not a sign of a compulsive gambler in training, I don't know what is) and I dropped $20 into the account and promised I would not add anymore, I would just play until it ran out. But I funny thing happened. I won, 5 times in a row.
Before I knew it i was up to a whopping $65 in tainted off-shore money. Ah the sweet smell of victory, I completely tossed the notion of beginners luck to the side and started betting on basketball (I was previously betting on football). Betting on basketball was not a great idea. With football, betting on the game makes it more interesting to watch, with basketball, I was betting on games played 3000 miles from my shanty in Greensboro, NC and I would estimate I refreshed NBA.com somewhere between 400 and 457 times in the span of the 2 and a half hour game. Needless to say, my computer hated me and the Houston Rockets by the close of the night. But I won again. Up to $70!
By this time I was drunk with power, I started to look for bets that paid off the biggest, but still had a legitimate chance of winning. Enter the 6-0 Atlanta Hawks vs the Boston Celtics. I bet the Hawks to win, I put up $5, I win $35 if the Hawks win. Fast forward to another night spent with the computer monitor acting as my best friend (more nights like this will surely result in a bout of epilepsy for me) and 7 seconds left in the game. The Hawks up 1. The Celtics get the ball, make the shot with .5 seconds left. I would've been over $100, I would've taken $80 out and gone back to $20 and played from there, but no, my demise started right then and there. I soon lost 4 in a row and I was down to $30 (I can't even buy luxury items that I need (like Loufas and soap) for $30).
I am currently taking it easy as this whole entire series of events has taken place in less than 2 weeks. I feel like an addict that has gone through all the emotions of my 12 step program but I seem to end up back at the beginning, praying to the god of gambling (Pete Rose). Last night I stayed up till 12, knowing I had to wake up at 5, just to see if I won $5 (I did! The system works!). I know I have a problem, albeit a manageable one (I'm not ever going into more than a $20 debt, and yes, I know, I'm saying that NOW. But I won't). I am stable, I am a good gambler. I can do this. And yes, I DID just convince myself I'm ok. I am the Amy Winehouse of gambling (except without all the hair, and with more teeth. But same amount of black tar heroin).
The urge started one Sunday morning when a friend told be about an online betting website. The mention was enough to get me (if thats not a sign of a compulsive gambler in training, I don't know what is) and I dropped $20 into the account and promised I would not add anymore, I would just play until it ran out. But I funny thing happened. I won, 5 times in a row.
Before I knew it i was up to a whopping $65 in tainted off-shore money. Ah the sweet smell of victory, I completely tossed the notion of beginners luck to the side and started betting on basketball (I was previously betting on football). Betting on basketball was not a great idea. With football, betting on the game makes it more interesting to watch, with basketball, I was betting on games played 3000 miles from my shanty in Greensboro, NC and I would estimate I refreshed NBA.com somewhere between 400 and 457 times in the span of the 2 and a half hour game. Needless to say, my computer hated me and the Houston Rockets by the close of the night. But I won again. Up to $70!
By this time I was drunk with power, I started to look for bets that paid off the biggest, but still had a legitimate chance of winning. Enter the 6-0 Atlanta Hawks vs the Boston Celtics. I bet the Hawks to win, I put up $5, I win $35 if the Hawks win. Fast forward to another night spent with the computer monitor acting as my best friend (more nights like this will surely result in a bout of epilepsy for me) and 7 seconds left in the game. The Hawks up 1. The Celtics get the ball, make the shot with .5 seconds left. I would've been over $100, I would've taken $80 out and gone back to $20 and played from there, but no, my demise started right then and there. I soon lost 4 in a row and I was down to $30 (I can't even buy luxury items that I need (like Loufas and soap) for $30).
I am currently taking it easy as this whole entire series of events has taken place in less than 2 weeks. I feel like an addict that has gone through all the emotions of my 12 step program but I seem to end up back at the beginning, praying to the god of gambling (Pete Rose). Last night I stayed up till 12, knowing I had to wake up at 5, just to see if I won $5 (I did! The system works!). I know I have a problem, albeit a manageable one (I'm not ever going into more than a $20 debt, and yes, I know, I'm saying that NOW. But I won't). I am stable, I am a good gambler. I can do this. And yes, I DID just convince myself I'm ok. I am the Amy Winehouse of gambling (except without all the hair, and with more teeth. But same amount of black tar heroin).
Saturday, November 01, 2008
The Time I Got Rid Of My Cat
As I've told you in blog posts, I got a new cat, to replace an old cat that I liked. The new cat is sweet but apparently decides to call upon Satan himself, when he is not met with the right amount of love on a daily basis. The last time he caused me significant brain hemorrhaging was when he shit and pissed (two separate occasions, two sets of sheets, one day) on the bed because we were not touching him in the right places at the right times.
It's been a few months since that enormous event. But since then he has managed to somehow jump into my ottoman, and then claw his way out of it, leaving a tear reminiscent of an eclipse (Van Gogh Kitty). He also shreds plastic bags on a daily basis meaning that when I take the garbage out, I get to tap dance around dripping garbage extracts as they fall to the ground. Recently, I left chicken out to defrost, perhaps in the hopes of being able to eat a meal that didn't consist of food like Whoppers, Ho-Ho's or any sort of fast food product that has been putting me on the fast track to Adult Onset Diabetes. When I got home the chicken was on the side of the refrigerator and was so badly mangled that I mistook it for some sort of refrigerator mold growth.
To top it off my recent bout of 10 hour work days has left the cat alone from dawn till dusk and thus once again, he shit the bed. The night before he shit the bed, he dropped a warning sign, he shit right in FRONT of the bed. Luckily I found it with my foot and smeared it in the carpet. Unsurprisingly it ranks up there with shoving spiders down my throat or being stuck in an elevator with Mariah Carey for 12 hours on the list of things I do not need to do before I die.
So now I'm trying to get rid of him. I asked Amelia if she would want him, and realizing that he is a handful, she politely declined. I emailed his old owners who always claimed they would want him if I didn't, I explained his neediness and that I think going back to a home with 8 other cats would help. They offered to give me another cat. This is similar to giving a Sudanese refugee a jar of flies (they already have enough on their face).
I've posted things on Craigslist and got 3 responses, which I followed up with and none of them have called me back (kind of like what my dating life will be for the forseeable future!). But as much as I can't stand the cat right now, I still have to determine what would be a good home for him, because I'm not yet at the point where the answer to that question is "any home but this one." I dont want to give him to a family with some child that will skin him or put a dress on him, I don't want a family that doesnt have another cat or a small child. It would be helpful if the family had lots of wood that need sanding since his tongue is on external objects more often than not.
So, in closing, if you would like a cat that is so abnormally sweet that he will be on/in you at all times and gets ticked off enough when he is not on/in you he destroys things for attention, then boy do I have a cat for you.
It's been a few months since that enormous event. But since then he has managed to somehow jump into my ottoman, and then claw his way out of it, leaving a tear reminiscent of an eclipse (Van Gogh Kitty). He also shreds plastic bags on a daily basis meaning that when I take the garbage out, I get to tap dance around dripping garbage extracts as they fall to the ground. Recently, I left chicken out to defrost, perhaps in the hopes of being able to eat a meal that didn't consist of food like Whoppers, Ho-Ho's or any sort of fast food product that has been putting me on the fast track to Adult Onset Diabetes. When I got home the chicken was on the side of the refrigerator and was so badly mangled that I mistook it for some sort of refrigerator mold growth.
To top it off my recent bout of 10 hour work days has left the cat alone from dawn till dusk and thus once again, he shit the bed. The night before he shit the bed, he dropped a warning sign, he shit right in FRONT of the bed. Luckily I found it with my foot and smeared it in the carpet. Unsurprisingly it ranks up there with shoving spiders down my throat or being stuck in an elevator with Mariah Carey for 12 hours on the list of things I do not need to do before I die.
So now I'm trying to get rid of him. I asked Amelia if she would want him, and realizing that he is a handful, she politely declined. I emailed his old owners who always claimed they would want him if I didn't, I explained his neediness and that I think going back to a home with 8 other cats would help. They offered to give me another cat. This is similar to giving a Sudanese refugee a jar of flies (they already have enough on their face).
I've posted things on Craigslist and got 3 responses, which I followed up with and none of them have called me back (kind of like what my dating life will be for the forseeable future!). But as much as I can't stand the cat right now, I still have to determine what would be a good home for him, because I'm not yet at the point where the answer to that question is "any home but this one." I dont want to give him to a family with some child that will skin him or put a dress on him, I don't want a family that doesnt have another cat or a small child. It would be helpful if the family had lots of wood that need sanding since his tongue is on external objects more often than not.
So, in closing, if you would like a cat that is so abnormally sweet that he will be on/in you at all times and gets ticked off enough when he is not on/in you he destroys things for attention, then boy do I have a cat for you.
Friday, October 31, 2008
The Time I Had the Scariest Halloween (Ever)
Halloween is widely known as the scariest day of the year for most of the human race (boxing day is equally frightful for Canadians). So to celebrate in the fun I'll talk about the scariest Halloween I've ever had, which just happened to be this year! (Coincidence much?) This is just a recap of the all the scary things that happened on Halloween, and only could've happened BECAUSE it was Halloween. Those pagan gods are nothing, if not timely.
On to the scary good times:
1. I woke up at 5 am, to head to my 11th straight day of work. I've been working at least 9-10 hour days each day, so needless to say I was pretty excited to work all day and come home and take my frustrations out by throwing candy at little children. (Hint: Freeze "Smarties". They sting like a bitch when they are hurled at 43 MPH at a child's eye.
2. The good news about working all those hours is the large sum of overtime hours I would be receiving in a monetary sum, on this the last day of the month. When I checked my bank account I got a scary surprise in the form of $300 short. Long story short (because I tend to prattle on) I asked my boss and it seems like he may or may not be "innocently" changing hours on our time clock. To make the prank more fun he dressed up as Saddam Hussein.
3. I cleaned dishes for the first time in close to 3 weeks. The scary part here? A rust ring in the sink from a pot. Faaaaaaaaaantastic. I also cleaned the garbage can out which had a smell eerily similar to that of a vomit filled diaper. To celebrate Halloween I dry heaved for the next 4 minutes.
4. I didn't want to deal with children. I had my heart broken last year when I bought 3 bags of candy, had NO children come to my door (even though 2 lived next door) and ended up consuming close to 4000 calories by the end of the night. You know what they say about King Size Snickers (when you pop, the fun don't stop!). Thus, I didnt want to put out candy this year (also I forgot to buy it) and since I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, I didn't want to just not answer the door as little kids threatened to break it down in the hope of the only love they'll ever know (chocolate). So I went and saw Zach and Miri Make A Porno.
5. The movie was pretty good, but it was what happened at the movie theater that made this an extra scary night. As I got out of my car I dropped my iPod from what seemed to be about 9 feet in the air (which is weird, because I'm only 6' 2" but I swear it dropped from over my head). It clunked to the pavement and I picked it up to find nothing wrong with it. Fast forward 2 hours, I come out of the theater turn on my Ipod and find it decorated with dead pixels that could be mistaken for dried blood. Spoooooky.
6. As I was pulling out I looked at the car to my left. It had this sticker "Member of the Christian Hunters Association." Nothing could be scarier than shooting coons for christ.
7. I stopped at CVS on the way home to pick up a delicious Coke Zero (no calories!) and I bared witness to two scary events. First, the guy in front of me paid for a Cadburry Egg (wrong goddamn holiday asshole) with a credit card. Shockingly, he had a credit card. Second, because of the fact that I know no one with in a 25 mile radius of my house and thus would not be going to any parties (also due to my crippling fear of social situations), I saw the only slutty girl costume on the CVS check out girl. A nurse's outfit with fishnets. How daring, yet classy at the same time. (That one was more sad than scary, what would've been scarier is if she had actually looked me in the eye.)
8. I am currently sitting here at 9:39 on Halloween night, alone and the only thought that keeps running through my head is "How late do these damn kids come around till?" So it turns out I'm 65 and hate when kids step on my lawn.
Happy Halloween. (If you are reading this POST halloween night, I hope that you banged some chick in a Sarah Palin costume that was made up from a Lace boustier for a "jacket", stripper heels, the librarian glasses (of course) and some sort of micro mini made of pleather that will be passed off as a skirt.)
On to the scary good times:
1. I woke up at 5 am, to head to my 11th straight day of work. I've been working at least 9-10 hour days each day, so needless to say I was pretty excited to work all day and come home and take my frustrations out by throwing candy at little children. (Hint: Freeze "Smarties". They sting like a bitch when they are hurled at 43 MPH at a child's eye.
2. The good news about working all those hours is the large sum of overtime hours I would be receiving in a monetary sum, on this the last day of the month. When I checked my bank account I got a scary surprise in the form of $300 short. Long story short (because I tend to prattle on) I asked my boss and it seems like he may or may not be "innocently" changing hours on our time clock. To make the prank more fun he dressed up as Saddam Hussein.
3. I cleaned dishes for the first time in close to 3 weeks. The scary part here? A rust ring in the sink from a pot. Faaaaaaaaaantastic. I also cleaned the garbage can out which had a smell eerily similar to that of a vomit filled diaper. To celebrate Halloween I dry heaved for the next 4 minutes.
4. I didn't want to deal with children. I had my heart broken last year when I bought 3 bags of candy, had NO children come to my door (even though 2 lived next door) and ended up consuming close to 4000 calories by the end of the night. You know what they say about King Size Snickers (when you pop, the fun don't stop!). Thus, I didnt want to put out candy this year (also I forgot to buy it) and since I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, I didn't want to just not answer the door as little kids threatened to break it down in the hope of the only love they'll ever know (chocolate). So I went and saw Zach and Miri Make A Porno.
5. The movie was pretty good, but it was what happened at the movie theater that made this an extra scary night. As I got out of my car I dropped my iPod from what seemed to be about 9 feet in the air (which is weird, because I'm only 6' 2" but I swear it dropped from over my head). It clunked to the pavement and I picked it up to find nothing wrong with it. Fast forward 2 hours, I come out of the theater turn on my Ipod and find it decorated with dead pixels that could be mistaken for dried blood. Spoooooky.
6. As I was pulling out I looked at the car to my left. It had this sticker "Member of the Christian Hunters Association." Nothing could be scarier than shooting coons for christ.
7. I stopped at CVS on the way home to pick up a delicious Coke Zero (no calories!) and I bared witness to two scary events. First, the guy in front of me paid for a Cadburry Egg (wrong goddamn holiday asshole) with a credit card. Shockingly, he had a credit card. Second, because of the fact that I know no one with in a 25 mile radius of my house and thus would not be going to any parties (also due to my crippling fear of social situations), I saw the only slutty girl costume on the CVS check out girl. A nurse's outfit with fishnets. How daring, yet classy at the same time. (That one was more sad than scary, what would've been scarier is if she had actually looked me in the eye.)
8. I am currently sitting here at 9:39 on Halloween night, alone and the only thought that keeps running through my head is "How late do these damn kids come around till?" So it turns out I'm 65 and hate when kids step on my lawn.
Happy Halloween. (If you are reading this POST halloween night, I hope that you banged some chick in a Sarah Palin costume that was made up from a Lace boustier for a "jacket", stripper heels, the librarian glasses (of course) and some sort of micro mini made of pleather that will be passed off as a skirt.)
Thursday, October 02, 2008
The Time I Kept on Eye on the Lady Keeping an Eye on Russia
So, that break lasted all of 3 days. With the most important election of my lifetime coming up I have decided to live blog the event to commemorate the occasion. Sarah Palin is shaping up to be the best mocked politician in years, and I'm not saying I'm not voting Republican, I'm just saying saying that she gave birth to a retarded child and genes run in the family (Isn't one retard President this decade enough...? And yes, I know I've already reserved my seats next to Liza Minnelli (weird looking) and Clay Aiken (gay) in hell.)
I've chosen NBC and the least annoying host (Brian Williams) as my pleasure watching channel tonight. Let's tune in.
10 PM - Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams try to break down this debate by listing the attributes of the VP nominees. I guarantee that if I was watching ABC, Chris Berman would bust out his 2 Minute Drill to discuss how Sarah "I'm Not Balin'" Palin will react down the stretch.
10:04 - The nominees come out and Palin greets Biden and says "Can I call you Joe?" Someone should tell her this is not a Parent-Teacher conference.
10:05 - First question discusses the economic crisis we are currently in. (I think we are in a crisis, I'm not sure because if you ask a republican they'll be too busy counting their fucking airplanes). He duely notes that this issue is due to the last 8 years of George Bush.
10:06 - Palin responds by using a metaphor. "Imagine you are at your children's soccer game.." Does Sarah Palin have any other facet other than "soccer/hockey mom?" I think not. (Important note from Amelia - Palin always wears too much makeup. This is obvious because the sweat is currently melting her face.)
10:09 - I don't recall ever watching a debate before, but I'll admit this kind of sucks. It's just finger pointing (Sarah Palin - JOHN MCCAIN DID THIS, YOU SENATOR, DID NOT, Joe Biden - I've actually been in the senate, why are you wearing a dress, Hilary would be wearing a pants suit.) Then they both say who voted for what. It's good times.
10:11 - Let's count the number of times Palin says maverick. One.
10:12 - Palin uses the term "Joe Six-Pack." Which is frightening because umm... a lot of guys drink beer and ummm consider themselves Joe Six Pack. (These people also like to buy HDTV to mount on their trailer walls).
10:14 - I don't like this woman's bangs. Does she not have another look? Is she hiding something on her forehead.
10:16 - My first "Oh my God" moment tonight. Biden (and the moderator) accuses Palin of not answering questions and Biden gives her a chance to respond (after she blatantly lied about McCain's voting record (accusing Obama of voting for things, that McCain also voted for)). She then says "I may not be answering questions the way you want to hear, moderator and Joe Biden, but I'm talking straight to the American people." Ladies and Gentleman, meet your new Vice President.
10:18 - Palin doesn't want to raise taxes. She tells me that the goverment will raise taxes and that's a bad thing. What makes me sad is that most people just don't want higher taxes, thousands of people will vote strictly based on the fact that they dont want higher taxes. What Palin leaves out is that raised taxes from the democrats are mostly aimed at the wealthy, oh like John McCain (and his wife's $300,000 Dress. Yes, I said dress. You know someone manages their money well when they spend 10x your yearly salary on a one time outfit.)
10:20 - Moderator brings up healthcare and Palin scoffs at the obviously ridiculous of universal healthcare Obama is proposing. I think it went something like this:
JOHN McCAIN WILL GIVE YOU a $5,000 tax credit towards your health insurance.
OBAMA WANTS UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE MEANING EVERYONE IN AMERICA GETS HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU MIGHT PAY MORE IN TAXES IN EXCHANGE FOR UNIVSERAL HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOO.
(Side Bar: I recently looked up how much it would cost to extend my health insurance through my parents plan. $447. A MONTH. Guess how much it would cost in Canada? Yeah... about 250 Molsons less aka $0.)
10:26 - Palin is currentl smiling at Biden's rebuttal. That coy smile that says "oh Joe, you just DONT know what you are talking about." (In case you didn't notice, I hope this cunt gets eaten by a polar bear.
10:28 - Biden references the Bridge to Nowhere that Palin fucked up in Alaska. It gets a laugh. Score one for the dems (mostly for the ingenuity of making fun of Palin AND being referential. I'm so proud.)
10:30 - Palin explains how she stopped the oil companies in Alaska (she obviously forgot that she was for drilling for oil in Alaska.)
10:32 - Exxon Mobil has made $600 Billion since 2001. John McCain is giving them a $4 billion tax break. I want to believe this is true, so I won't look this up. Let's stamp this fact.
10:36 - Palin dodges another question to return to the energy question brought up 7 minutes ago. She demands that will destroy nature (paraphrasing) and become an energy independent country. (Are we susceeding from the rest of the world? No more imports for us! Fuck you world. We have our own oil!)
10:39 - Climate situation. Palin - deflects. Biden - Cause is man made. (I think I might marry this man, someone get me a ring. And get Palin a copy of An Inconvenient Truth.)
10:41 - This moderator is feisty, calling out both VPs2B (i made that up myself, sound it out, I'll give you a second) on their energy pasts.
10:44 - Same sex benefits to couples. Biden - "Absolutely" (I seriously might love this man and all his political lies.) Palin - Not comfortable with it if it moves closer to Gay marriage being legal. She then tells about how she has some friends, that may not agree with her. (I just found the McCain/Palin playbook - McCain - be old, Palin - RELATE TO WOMEN. NOW. ALL THE TIME. NOW.)
10:46 - Both do not support Gay marriage. That's sad. Although if the democrats DID support it, they'd automatically lose the election. Imagine all the religious zealots that would vote against the democrats JUST because they dont want gays getting married. Human rights, meet 2008.
10:49 - Foreign policy. Biden wants to get out of Iraq, McCain wants to stay until Armageddon (you know, the time when Jesus comes back and kills everyone on Earth that didn't vote for McCain). Palin responds by saying that we are surrendering in Iraq if we leave. She's so excited at this point I think someone might have to take away her first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD, just to calm her down. She also claims that the surge worked. (Indicating that they planned for this to be a 6 year war (lasting longer than WWII, the biggest war of all time).
10:54 - Iran and Pakistan. Yeah....... (I tried to listen for the last 6 minutes but my eyes kept glossing over and I wasn't sure if this was an SNL skit or not.) Let's fast forward.
11:09 - Holy shit I fast forwarded 30 minutes and they are just finishing foreign policy. I stop (randomly) on Palin saying "Doggonit, There you go Joe!" Obviously, she is practicing her conversations with Kim Jeung Il. "Doggonit Kim, Can't you just get rid of these misslies dontchaknow?"
11:14 - Let's just pretend that I watched the rest and get to the closing statements. Palin is up first. She's gonna fight for America, the middle class, the average American family like hers (she is worth $1.2 million, pretty average, considering the median income is $45,000.) John McCain is the only man who ever fought for America. Vote him. The End.
11: 15 - Joe Biden harps on how bad the Bush Administration has been and then touches on Healthcare, Education, Military coming home and finishes with dignity (however, he messes up on "Baraka Obama.").
Well that's it thats the end of my first VP debate. Was it disappointing? Check. Was it hard to understand? Check. Did Sarah Palin drop me off at hockey practice afterwards? Check. Well, that settles its shes qualified. I'd like to present to you our new President/Vice President, Juan McClain and Sareesh Plakhahn. (See, it's fun to mess up names of the people who might be our president someday. Good job, Biden, you ruined our chances of every getting a democrat into office again.)
I've chosen NBC and the least annoying host (Brian Williams) as my pleasure watching channel tonight. Let's tune in.
10 PM - Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams try to break down this debate by listing the attributes of the VP nominees. I guarantee that if I was watching ABC, Chris Berman would bust out his 2 Minute Drill to discuss how Sarah "I'm Not Balin'" Palin will react down the stretch.
10:04 - The nominees come out and Palin greets Biden and says "Can I call you Joe?" Someone should tell her this is not a Parent-Teacher conference.
10:05 - First question discusses the economic crisis we are currently in. (I think we are in a crisis, I'm not sure because if you ask a republican they'll be too busy counting their fucking airplanes). He duely notes that this issue is due to the last 8 years of George Bush.
10:06 - Palin responds by using a metaphor. "Imagine you are at your children's soccer game.." Does Sarah Palin have any other facet other than "soccer/hockey mom?" I think not. (Important note from Amelia - Palin always wears too much makeup. This is obvious because the sweat is currently melting her face.)
10:09 - I don't recall ever watching a debate before, but I'll admit this kind of sucks. It's just finger pointing (Sarah Palin - JOHN MCCAIN DID THIS, YOU SENATOR, DID NOT, Joe Biden - I've actually been in the senate, why are you wearing a dress, Hilary would be wearing a pants suit.) Then they both say who voted for what. It's good times.
10:11 - Let's count the number of times Palin says maverick. One.
10:12 - Palin uses the term "Joe Six-Pack." Which is frightening because umm... a lot of guys drink beer and ummm consider themselves Joe Six Pack. (These people also like to buy HDTV to mount on their trailer walls).
10:14 - I don't like this woman's bangs. Does she not have another look? Is she hiding something on her forehead.
10:16 - My first "Oh my God" moment tonight. Biden (and the moderator) accuses Palin of not answering questions and Biden gives her a chance to respond (after she blatantly lied about McCain's voting record (accusing Obama of voting for things, that McCain also voted for)). She then says "I may not be answering questions the way you want to hear, moderator and Joe Biden, but I'm talking straight to the American people." Ladies and Gentleman, meet your new Vice President.
10:18 - Palin doesn't want to raise taxes. She tells me that the goverment will raise taxes and that's a bad thing. What makes me sad is that most people just don't want higher taxes, thousands of people will vote strictly based on the fact that they dont want higher taxes. What Palin leaves out is that raised taxes from the democrats are mostly aimed at the wealthy, oh like John McCain (and his wife's $300,000 Dress. Yes, I said dress. You know someone manages their money well when they spend 10x your yearly salary on a one time outfit.)
10:20 - Moderator brings up healthcare and Palin scoffs at the obviously ridiculous of universal healthcare Obama is proposing. I think it went something like this:
JOHN McCAIN WILL GIVE YOU a $5,000 tax credit towards your health insurance.
OBAMA WANTS UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE MEANING EVERYONE IN AMERICA GETS HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU MIGHT PAY MORE IN TAXES IN EXCHANGE FOR UNIVSERAL HEALTH COVERAGE. BOOOOOOOOOO.
(Side Bar: I recently looked up how much it would cost to extend my health insurance through my parents plan. $447. A MONTH. Guess how much it would cost in Canada? Yeah... about 250 Molsons less aka $0.)
10:26 - Palin is currentl smiling at Biden's rebuttal. That coy smile that says "oh Joe, you just DONT know what you are talking about." (In case you didn't notice, I hope this cunt gets eaten by a polar bear.
10:28 - Biden references the Bridge to Nowhere that Palin fucked up in Alaska. It gets a laugh. Score one for the dems (mostly for the ingenuity of making fun of Palin AND being referential. I'm so proud.)
10:30 - Palin explains how she stopped the oil companies in Alaska (she obviously forgot that she was for drilling for oil in Alaska.)
10:32 - Exxon Mobil has made $600 Billion since 2001. John McCain is giving them a $4 billion tax break. I want to believe this is true, so I won't look this up. Let's stamp this fact.
10:36 - Palin dodges another question to return to the energy question brought up 7 minutes ago. She demands that will destroy nature (paraphrasing) and become an energy independent country. (Are we susceeding from the rest of the world? No more imports for us! Fuck you world. We have our own oil!)
10:39 - Climate situation. Palin - deflects. Biden - Cause is man made. (I think I might marry this man, someone get me a ring. And get Palin a copy of An Inconvenient Truth.)
10:41 - This moderator is feisty, calling out both VPs2B (i made that up myself, sound it out, I'll give you a second) on their energy pasts.
10:44 - Same sex benefits to couples. Biden - "Absolutely" (I seriously might love this man and all his political lies.) Palin - Not comfortable with it if it moves closer to Gay marriage being legal. She then tells about how she has some friends, that may not agree with her. (I just found the McCain/Palin playbook - McCain - be old, Palin - RELATE TO WOMEN. NOW. ALL THE TIME. NOW.)
10:46 - Both do not support Gay marriage. That's sad. Although if the democrats DID support it, they'd automatically lose the election. Imagine all the religious zealots that would vote against the democrats JUST because they dont want gays getting married. Human rights, meet 2008.
10:49 - Foreign policy. Biden wants to get out of Iraq, McCain wants to stay until Armageddon (you know, the time when Jesus comes back and kills everyone on Earth that didn't vote for McCain). Palin responds by saying that we are surrendering in Iraq if we leave. She's so excited at this point I think someone might have to take away her first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD, just to calm her down. She also claims that the surge worked. (Indicating that they planned for this to be a 6 year war (lasting longer than WWII, the biggest war of all time).
10:54 - Iran and Pakistan. Yeah....... (I tried to listen for the last 6 minutes but my eyes kept glossing over and I wasn't sure if this was an SNL skit or not.) Let's fast forward.
11:09 - Holy shit I fast forwarded 30 minutes and they are just finishing foreign policy. I stop (randomly) on Palin saying "Doggonit, There you go Joe!" Obviously, she is practicing her conversations with Kim Jeung Il. "Doggonit Kim, Can't you just get rid of these misslies dontchaknow?"
11:14 - Let's just pretend that I watched the rest and get to the closing statements. Palin is up first. She's gonna fight for America, the middle class, the average American family like hers (she is worth $1.2 million, pretty average, considering the median income is $45,000.) John McCain is the only man who ever fought for America. Vote him. The End.
11: 15 - Joe Biden harps on how bad the Bush Administration has been and then touches on Healthcare, Education, Military coming home and finishes with dignity (however, he messes up on "Baraka Obama.").
Well that's it thats the end of my first VP debate. Was it disappointing? Check. Was it hard to understand? Check. Did Sarah Palin drop me off at hockey practice afterwards? Check. Well, that settles its shes qualified. I'd like to present to you our new President/Vice President, Juan McClain and Sareesh Plakhahn. (See, it's fun to mess up names of the people who might be our president someday. Good job, Biden, you ruined our chances of every getting a democrat into office again.)
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