The Time I Got My Throat Cut

For years now I have been a victim. It all started when I was a wee lad. Ever year, 3 times a year, I would get strep throat. Eventually the doctor said "the next time you get strep throat, we will have to take your tonsils out." Thus, I never went back to the doctor when it came to my strep throat.

Fast forward to earlier this year. I've been told by Amelia that I sound like I'm choking on a hairball when I sleep (breathing is fun!). My insurance runs out in August and so I decide to hit up the doctors circuit. Eyes, Check up (no dentist, I don't believe in them). When I went to get my check up the doctor told me I had the biggest tonsils she had ever seen. I believe the technical term was "Holy Moly."

She then sent me to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist, who further backed up her findings with a "Whoa! I have been operating on tonsils for 20 years and these are the biggest I've seen. How do you breathe at night?" I told him breathing wasn't a necessity for me and he said my tonsils weren't life threatening yet, but we arranged a 2 month follow up. In those two months I got sick at least 3 times and because of the size of my tonsils, even minor colds tend to blow up my throat and stay forever.

When I went back for the two month check up, he said the tonsils had grown larger and were now 4 times the size of a regular tonsil. They needed to come out and be sent to a lab to make sure they aren't cancerous (throat cancer at 22? Guiness Book here I come). Thus I made the appointment for yesterday July 3 (as I only have one vacation day at work.)

Leading up to the surgery I read a bunch of horror stories about the pain following the surgery and got throughly freaked out. However, I tried to console myself realizing that I had the biggest tonsils in the world and that maybe the swelling these people are feeling, are what I feel everyday. Nonetheless, I was a little nervous leading up to the surgery.

The day before the surgery I get a call from the surgical center (about an hour away) and they tell me that I need to show up at 6:30 AM for a 7:00 AM surgery time (meaning wake up time was about 4:30 AM). I'm not allowed to have any sort of food or water after midnight, which isn't so bad considering it's only 7 hours till the surgery (does anybody else sense a new diet fad?)

Amelia and I drive to the center and get there around 6:10 AM - before the center is even open. We decide to drive around and look for a Starbucks, but apparently a major city like Durham doesn't have any within a 5 mile radius. We drive back to the center and we are now 3rd in line. (Also note that I have worn loose fitting clothing which has led me to look somewhat like a hobo - my shorts have paint on them.)

I check in and get sent back where one of a plethora of nurses tells me what to do. I change into my hospital gown and then I am visited by a nurse who puts an IV in my hand (and has some tape issues while doing so). 2 minutes later the first anesthesiologist comes in and asks if I have any questions, and seems surprised when I don't (what are you supposed to ask? Will I be asleep? Will I feel any pain? Am I a moron?). The second anesthesiologist comes in and says what did you have for breakfast this morning "Nothing!" I respond, proud of getting an answer right. He then looks over my chart and says "...and you are allergic to ...mangoes?" I play along with his joke and say "haha, no not mangoes, papayas."

Apparently he wasn't kidding and after a good 15 seconds of confusion between he, Amelia and I he realizes he has the wrong chart (do you feel nervous for me yet?) He puts the chart on the wall, with mangoes crossed out, and we realize it's not the wrong chart and someone had one too many hits of Nitrous Oxide. I am ready to go.




I walk myself into the room (which is so much better than being carted in, I would feel like I was on my death bed if I saw lights go by over my head) and find a table that is probably about as wide as an airplane seat. I try to laydown and I'm almost over the edge and then they strap me in (to make sure I don't fall off). I make a joke that I'm a giant and no one finds it funny and then they put the anesthesia in. I remember remarking that I felt it and then I remember nothing else.

I wake up with Amelia by my side and get to sip apple juice until they decide to kick me out. I am disappointed that I don't get wheelchaired out. The pain isn't as bad as they say so far. But they say the third day is the worst. You will get updates.

The Time I Got Poor

I am Kelson and I am a "recovering" tech-o-holic. As referenced in an earlier post, (you avid blog readers will remember this) my love of all things HD has made me lapse into my own personal recession. Without boring you to death with my finances lets just say I owe the equivalent of 7 abortions.

To amend this I have been selling off some of my personal affects and basically telling myself to give up on my dream of rock and roll stardom (no worries, the ego will stay). Below I have provided a kind of list of what I own (made me poor in the first place), what I am selling (with stories of selling them) and what else I will do to remedy my situation.

First things first - admitting I have a problem.

As a college student I made a paltry few hundred bucks a month. However, thanks to my parents paying for college, it was all I really needed. I had to pay for gas, car insurance, phone bills and cocaine from any dealer who wouldn't take a Capitol One Credit Card (what's in YOUR wallet?) As I said, this was sufficient for all my needs, but never really let me save any money.

Once I got a full time salary position and the paychecks upped significantly (4 digits/check!) I decided to go nuts and buy everything I wanted. In the last year I have bought:

Toyota Prius (05/07) - The Toyota was well out of my price range, but my previous car died (probably because I shamed it to death for being an ugly whore) and the Prius was just too good to pass up. The car dealership made it worse by making it seem so much better. "You are a college student? NO DOWN PAYMENT!" Thus I was roped into a lovely Hybrid for the next 5 years of my life. My monthly payments are more than my apartment payments. Enough said.

BONUS NOTE: The Hybrid will eventually save me (in gas) what I would've paid for a cheaper car in 7 years. (However, I will consider myself lucky I am allowed to hold pennies by that point.)

Computer - 06/07 - This was also a necessity purchase, after my previous computer decided that booting up and sounding like a jet engine was the way to go. I was modest with this purchase however, and was a good shopper and bought a pretty low end version with no monitor included. (I just remember I bought a widescreen monitor 2 months before this, so I guess that has to go on this list). The computer is also how I make a living,

HDTV 1 - I bought this one with new real need for a new TV other than the fact that its FUCKING HD! Again, I bought a low end one, but I have to say it's been a pretty good buy thus far. (Aside from the fact that to get the most use out of the TV you also have to buy HD Cable which amounts to another $25/month)

Bonus Note: I seem to buy low end technology for cheap prices, meaning it will be outdated in a matter of minutes. So I'm thinking is their really a point? The high end techs will make fun of me and people that don't have the technology won't be too impressed because it's the low end of the spectrum. (Congratulations, I just got more depressed.)

HDTV 2 - I bought a smaller one for my bedroom...I have no excuse.


XBOX 360 - I really wanted a HD player of some sort, whether it be HD DVD or Blu Ray. So I went to the store and debated about whether to buy the XBOX 360 with HD attachment or PS3 with Blu Ray built in. Xbox Came with Heroes thrown in and I figured HD DVD would win the HD war anyway (it has HD in the name!). Incorrect, I bought an HD player that can only play such hit films lucky enough to come out on HD DVD as The Nutty Professor and Mr. Bean's Holiday. Nonetheless it still plays a bunch of HD DVDs that are now on sale for $6.

Bonus Note: I really want a Blu Ray. Like sexual favors want, if there are any takers please leave a note. (I promise i wont tell my Tech Anonymous group).

Things I'm Selling

1. Guitar Amp - This was an amp I bought 2 years ago and to be honest I've played it less than 30 times and never in front of people. It may be time to give up on the dream of being a rock star. (Good news I bought this for $250 2 years ago and I am now selling it for $200. That's like only paying $25/year! I'm savvy.)

BONUS NOTE: In my quest to sell the beast, I posted it on Craig's List. After receiving about 15 replies I gave out my address to those interested. This was 2 days ago, and currently only one man has showed up. (I'm really excited to see what the other crazies are doing with my address as I speak (fingers crossed for identity theft!)). The one man that came over decided he wanted it, but couldn't stop at the bank until later. He planned to come back in an hour. Instead he calls back in an hour and the conversation starts like this "I don't help out disrespectful youth." I was instantly horrified that I may have accidentally gazed into his eyes for too long or that he had done some research and read the awful things I said about him on my future blog. Instead he claimed his son was naughty and didn't deserve an amp. Click. The good news is that once he told me he wanted it, I almost emailed the other 14 in one lump sum and said "Sorry, Sold." However, I did not and now I still might be able to sell it, unless you know... someone stabs me when they come to pick it up.


2. Other miscellaneous guitar gear - Guitar pedals and such. I sold one on ebay for the cool price of $83, using the buy it now feature. I then looked up what other pedals were going for. Over $100! MMM, could I make any more poor mistakes.

3. DVD sets - I am a big fan of TV and consequently TV on DVD. I own 50 real sets (and countless others that were umm....borrowed from Blockbuster, mysteriously put on my computer and then subsequently found their way to a blank DVD.) Each DVD could sell for about $10 on amazon or ebay. So...I mean that could help...everyone wants "Friends Season 3 - A Collection of 5 random episodes" right? RIGHT?


Other things I may or may not be doing.

1)Getting a job, again. I recently had a good cry (once a month, whether I need it or not!) and decided these money issues just had to stop. So i looked into getting a job that I could do part time, while holding my full time job. I looked into newspaper delivery boy or pizza delivery boy. Really delivery is the best job ...ever. Drive around, listen to music and deliver something and be on your way. No arguments from people. Nonetheless, I decided that I shouldn't contact anyone until I was recovered from surgery (more on this tomorrow!).

However, I was on Craig's List and saw an ad for Pizza Delivery boy and I was there. I was called in for an interview, which consisted of filling out a 1 page application and explaining how my Prius worked. (Everyone was impressed! The job is mine.)

The job is about 13 minutes away, in a very remote location, I fear my technology craving will kick in and require me to get a GPS, to navigate roads I have never been on. (Oh yeah, I also got a lifetime subscription to Sirius Radio a few months ago. Add it to the list and kill me please).

On the way home I saw that a Dominoes was hiring and was about 5 minutes closer and in a more...populated...area. I stopped in and filled out an app and I gotta say, everyone was really nice. Normally I root against big corporate entities, but everyone in the store was really nice. I asked for the app and went to sit down to fill it out, however the cashier came and gave me a pizza box to right on. Then the manager came over introduced himself and was real nice and told an anecdote about a drug dealer that included the words "How can you be bad at drug dealing? I could go out to Montana and deal drugs in a field and not get caught."

I handed in an application and he was impressed that I went to Elon. I made eye contact, shook the hand and was told I'd get a call tomorrow. 2/2. I don't know who to root for now. The closer job that pays more or the further job that pays less...(this seems too easy.)


2) Next up on the list is donating semen. I'm totally ok with getting paid $50 a dose to have little Kelsons running about the country. I have good genes (other than the obesity, poor eye sight, anger issues and the new find of my life - thinning hair! Hi, I'm 22.)

The Time I Birthed A Kitty

Recently I felt the need to spread my love for the world with a child of my own. Unfortunately Amelia was neither willing nor able to provide me a child in a timespan that was conducive to my immediate need. Thus, we decided to get a cat.

The search has been teetering on the brink of actually getting a cat for some time now. We started my looking at websites of animal shelters and in newspapers and on craigslist, but really it got too sad to look at these adorable cats and not be able to get them.

Recently I moved into a new apartment and so with all the moving expenses and getting settled, it just wasn't the right time for a cat. But the desire became to large and my need for constant attention for something that was smaller and cuter than I could ever be was just too much. The search picked up about 3 weeks ago, Amelia and I started planning to go to the shelter in Greensboro and picking our own kitty out.

As it so happened I was at the hairdresser in Burlington and we were chatting away (like old hags do!) and I told her that we were getting a cat. Then she dropped one into my lap. She said that she had a kitten she took in nearly 5 months ago and that she already has two and just couldn't get rid of it. Perfect! A free kitty? Yes Please.

Immediately I said yes, without consulting a certain girlfriend and I tried to get this poor woman's address so that I could pick up that cat within a matter of minutes. (Two things prevented this from happening, the fact that she had to work and the fact that she lived in a one stop light town 45 minutes away.) Thus I agreed to pick up that cat tomorrow.

I called Amelia on the way home were she hit me with a reality brick - did the cat have shots? how old was it? did it have every limb? Was it feral? Was I feral?

I didn't know what feral meant, so like any child that unconsciously wants something I made up answers. "Yes the cat has all it's shots. I'm pretty sure it was voted healthiest cat in North Carolina." These answers didn't go over well at all. Thus I had to call hairdresser lady.

She responded with all of the worst possible answers - no shots, found in the countryside, skinny as hell, possibly feral. Again, I disregarded these things - she lived in a home for 5 months with another cat, how bad can she be. Amelia conceded and the cat was ours.

We bought all the supplies that night, food, a bed, brush, litter, litter box. We were a machine and I was going to be a dad to a 2 pound black cat (like I dreamed of as a little girl!).

The next day we picked up the cat and we put the cat in the new cat taxi (blue) and took her home. In the car she cried and cried and cried until we opened the door to the taxi. She wouldn't come out and but at least stopped crying. She eventually came out 2 minutes before we got home and roamed the car, so 2 minutes later when we put her back in her crate the crying resumed. (Starting to regret this already...)

We let her out as soon as we get in and decide to leave her alone until she is ready to be civil. She darts under the couch and doesn't come out for, what amounts to the rest of the evening. Fast forward 2 weeks.

I am amazed by this kitty, she is no older than 7 or 8 months and is very friendly. After 6 hours of being a recluse (including not eating or pooping) she became Gabby (a name based on Gabe - a name with both Amelia and I like, but would never do for a child of mine - Gabe Fagan = Gay Fag in middle school language). Although I have never owned a cat before I am convinced she is the smartest cat. What follows are several examples of why I love this cat and 1 example of why I do not.

1. This cat opens doors. Obviously cats can contort themselves to wedge open doors that are slightly cracked. This cat can open closed doors. Our closet opens outward and closes magnetically up top. The cat reaches her paw underneath the door and pushes on the inside to pop it open. I nearly peed my pants when this happened for the first time.

2. Cats love to climb (I've heard) and this cat loves to scale the closet. I found her recently on the closet shelf (about 6 feet off the ground) just chilling out. I'm not convinced that she cant jump 6 feet vertically, because there is NO room to run and jump.

3. The cat loves Amelia's hair bands. After a few nights of leaving them (and subsequently losing them) on the nightstand, Amelia put the hairbands in a small jewelry box. The next night the cat had stolen the jewelry box, opened it, and got the hairbands. (I secretly applauded, while Amelia not so secretly seethed.)

However, the cat apparently knows how smart she is and has become the princess that most cats are. She apparently does not sleep and when I wake up at 6 AM for work she is already meowing at me when my feet hit the floor. She then dashes to the food bowl to ask for food. This was fine until last week, when we got her wet food, which is the Filet Mignon of cat food. The cat no longer eats dry food (she is too good for it) and will whine for wet food, even though dry food is in her bowl (someone needs to explain fiscal lesson of how much cheaper dry food is than wet food to this cat.)

Regardless, the cat is a blast to be around. I will not get into the borderline creepy things I like about her (watching her walk, rubbing my face into her stomach and holding her up with one hand to the ceiling like Simba in the Lion King,) instead I will leave you with some pictures of Gabbykins.

The Time I Broke My Phone

I broke my fucking phone.


I really wanted to break it. I pictured myself breaking it and so I broke it. Why did this happen?
Well other than my obvious anger issues, it was a direct result of trying to directions to Amelia over the now deceased phone. We were not on the same page and I was telling her to turn left because google maps said to and of course, in real life there just happened to be a median there. Somehow (most likely me not listening) I didn't hear her say that and so going around in circles on the phone really made me want to smash the phone.

As I sat staring at Google Maps and watching it load frame by frame on a computer that is probably older than Dakota Fanning I could picture myself holding my phone in my left hand and then bringing my hand over and punching it right out of my hand. As the conversation ended I had my chance.

However by that point I was just too upset to perfect the "phone punch." So i did the rational thing and threw it to the ground. The phone did not smash and I think that makes it worse. When I went to pick up the phone it was in 3 pieces - Phone, Battery, Battery Back. I thought I might have made it but as I went to turn on the phone I realized the LCD screen was cracked. Which means no more phone. IF you feel the need to smash a phone and you know it is going to break, you at least hope that it will break in to somewhere between 12 and 457 separate pieces.
I felt little to no satisfaction with my simple disassembly.

This was no normal phone, last year, while soothing my cocaine craving for technology I went and bought a Samsung Blackjack. Is this the Rolls Royce of phones? No, it was only $50 used. But nonetheless it had highspeed internet, video, mp3 player (larger than my iPod Nano). And generally was just always helpful.

I fondly remember the time I found out that I could download google maps onto the phone and from then on I was only moderately lost while trying to stare at the 2 inch screen while driving (apparently this phone also protects from paralyzing car crashes). I bought it just before the iPhone came out and I barely even regretted that decision. I always felt it was the Matt Damon to George Clooney (dreamy on the inside, just a little fug on the outside, like MAYYYYYBE just one DNA strand of down syndrome).

Nonetheless, I decided to hand straight to the AT&T store to see what my options were. Apparently they don't teach the one person manning the store about any phone whatsoever and so I knew an adventure was in store. I am told to wait a second as a homeless man eats a sandwich in front of the lady and so I check out the cheapest phone. My idea at this point is to get the cheapest phone I can until the new iPhone comes out in July.

I find a few free phones but they are only free with a 2 year extension, but I dont qualify for a new extension for another 6 months, meaning I would have to pay full price. So I ask the lady if there is anyway the phone could be fixed and she said that she didn't know but because i "dropped" (i lie sometimes, does that excite you?) it that even the warranty wouldn't cover it because it was user error. Is that not the point of a warranty?

Well it turns out my warranty was probably expired anyway, but little miss know-it-all could not check because they are only allowed to service phones from this area code (336) and I am currently still repping central Jersey (908, holler!). She tries to convince just to by the blackjack for $150 and then mail in a $100 rebate and I'd get the phone for only $50. I told her my iPhone plan and she tried to convince me how terrible the iPhone was. "Do you like to take pictures? SEND PICTURES? TAKE VIDEO!?!?!?!?"

I responded no, no and the Blackjack doesn't take video. (Also note the iPhone DOES take pictures, making her first two questions moot.) I asked her if I would penalized if I bought a cheapo phone and then just went out and bought an iPhone in two weeks, but she didnt think so. (However she did encourage me to use the phone for two weeks and then return it later. I hope AT&T reads this blog. And if they do it is their store next to the largest Wal-Mart in North Carolina on the outskirts of Greensboro and her name was a variation of Shana but with a few q's, i's and l's thrown in for fun).

I then realized I still had my old phone that worked and has a fun flashing red light that definitely resembles Cyclops from the X-Men. I asked (already knowing the answer) if my SIM card would transfer and she said yes. So I returned home to use my lowly non internet phone until I can afford and iPhone or SOMEONE gets it for me for my bday.

Before saying goodnight to my wonderful phone I tried to rescue the numbers off of it by plugging into my computer but she said no and so I probably don't have your number. So maybe leave it for me eh?

As I typed that last paragraph I realize I should be more upset about breaking a phone that has lived in my hand for a year, but let's be real I'm only two weeks away from an iPhone and George Clooney gives much better anal than Matt Damon anyway (he's a prude).

The Time I Found A Wallet

First and foremost my dear reader(s) I want to apologize for the yo-yo that is my blog posting. I swore that I wouldn't do this but here I go anyway. From now on I will write daily (or weekly, whatever floats my fancy) or you get a Whatchamacallit. Yes the delicious candy bar that may or may not have been recalled several decades ago. I am not responsible for any lingering ailments the 20 year old candy bars may cause.

On to the story!

To say I am just above the poverty line at this moment in my life is no exaggeration. I'll readily admit that this is my own fault (my electronics fetish is quite consuming), but at this point I now have a lifestyle I have to keep up and bills be damned I need HD Cable and a car that carries a monthly cost that rivals a Hummer. While I considered trading in my Prius for a 1988 Geo (same MPG!) Al Gore convinced me that trading down to non-hybrid status would guarantee that Bush gets a 3rd term.

So I want/need money like Amy Winehouse needs menthol flavored heroine (goes down smoother). On my way home from work I ran into a situation that only presents itself on shitty teen sitcoms (i.e. Family Matters, Growing Pains and Suite Life of Zach and Cody). I found me a wallet.

While saving the world through fuel economy (driving) I saw something fly out from the motorcyclist in front of me. My first thought was the normal reaction (roadkill, again) but as the wallet hit the ground my 6th sense kicked in and I sensed cash was to be had. So being the gentle human I am, I debated briefly whether or not I should pick it up. I turned around.

I was about a square block away from the wallet and so in the 45 seconds of drive time I had before I met my remedy I pondered how much I would make. I swore I saw a pile of bills fall out (like the ones them fancy pimps carry) and I was quite overjoyed. I return to the scene of the crime, park the car and search the street for that brown sack of cash.

I find the wallet. Inside where all of this man's info (I'll call him Tim). Tim's college ID, Tim's Credit Card, Tim's Players Club Card, I had him right where I wanted him. I then searched for the dollar bills that were surely scattered among the street.

I found one dollar. His wallet lied, this man was no player and his card should be revoked. Sure, the dollars could've blown away but regardless they were not there and my sense of "decency" took over. I decided to put the solitary dollar away in the wallet and look at Tim's license to find out where he lived. Google maps (on my phone) was none to helpful so I returned home to see if I could look him up on the interweb.

Maybe watching My Name is Earl has brought me into the mindset of Karma, but at this point I'm hoping its real because this is a lot of fucking work for very little in return. This man did not exist on the interweb, so I tried my hands at google maps again and decided to drive to the address and just hand Tim the wallet.

Amelia and I hopped in the car and set off for the 3 mile journey. After getting lost, and getting saluted by two....pudgy 10 year old girls we found the place. We get out of the car, wallet in tow and knock on the door. Tim takes just 2 seconds too long to answer, but as soon as he opens the door he knows why we are there (there could be no other reason that white people would be in this neighborhood). Elated, Tim just screams "thank you thank you!" I explain to where I found it and asked him if he was riding a motorcycle (all while giving the "vroom vroom" handle bar sign). He indeed was. This was my Tim.

Tim then asked what we wanted in return. This question puzzled me - I of course said nothing and began to walk away, but Tim followed and asked for our names. In the long run it will never really matter, but that instant is quite an awkward moment. I just saved this man months worth of heartache and want nothing in return, but as a human being, he can not just "oh thanks" and slam the door.

It was at this instant that I began to feel pretty good about myself. Karma for me! I did my good deed for the year and I was resolved to walk away with just that feeling. As I embraced this feeling, I realized that he might think we said we didn't want anything because we took his money (imagine if he did have a pimp's goblet worth of cash and now it was gone, he would obviously assume we took it to reward ourselves). I quickly hoped that there was no other money than the $1 bill and that karma would love me for eternity.

I know what you are thinking, I shouldn't have karma because I stopped to pick up the cash. To that I say yes, BUT there is no guarantee I would've kept the cash and I did the right thing anyway so I deserve the karma.

Also my entire definition of what karma is, is based on a shitty TV show featuring a Scientologist and that fat guy from Boy Meets World.

The moral of the story is that I'm still poor and I did a nice thing for a man I didn't know, but that man probably suspects me for stealing his "ho" money. Does karma come yearly in the form of a cashier's check?