December 8,9,10,11 - Dung

Today, we come across something I really dislike about this time of year. End of year count downs. In perusing the cable television this evening I found 3 different wrap up shows even though we still have 1/26 of the year to go. I find this a wholly inaccurate practice that needs to be shunned at all costs (I'm sorry Larry the Cable Guy, I do not need to see your roast of Santa Claus).

So sick of end of year countdowns, I do what and self respecting man does, any decide to walk the midget. However, in my perusal of internet porn, what do I find but Maxim's end of year countdown for everything. (Side note: As I type this Fall Out Boy comes in at number 37 for some piece of shit they threw together with monkeys on Vh1, updates to come) (Side side note: Apparently Kim FUCKING Kardashian is in this video, I'm sorry what does she have to do with being "thnkfl fr th mmrs", if there was every a sell out, this was it). What I love about the Maxim countdown is that the "top 10 music" in no way reflects the music their demo listens to.

Ok let's be fair, you think maxim, you think mens mag, models, sex advice, etc...so what type of music would the stereotypical readers of this magazine listen to? Nickelback, 50 Cent, Whatever is on top 40 radio that may or may not get them laid? If you answered yes to any of these you win. Below we will find a top 10 list from maxim's music 2007.

1. Jay Z - Expected
2. Radiohead - Ummm, I know a lot of people downloaded this for free, and most likely they were internet geeks, who like to visit maxim.com daily...ok I'll accept
3. The White Stripes - I'm starting to think that the writers of Maxim aren't meatheads at all but hipsters writing for meatheads. Although this makes sense because meatheads are busy becoming football coaches.
4. Amy Winehouse - Ah yes this fits. Top 40, so its ok, but shes just crazy enough to be considered hip by people that live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. (or people who really want to live in Williamsburg) Do I like Amy Winehouse? No. If i wanted to hear revolutionary music I would put on 50's music and but an overweight black lady singing over those horns. (Seriously does anyone think that the music from "Rehab" is nothing more than a Doo Wop or Jazz standard. Congratulations whore you stole a music genre from 50 years ago and sung about your drug problems. Next decade I'm brining back the doors and singing about my drug problems...so it will be exactly... like.... the doors.)
5. Feist - Chances that they heard Feist without the help of Tastemakers at Apple? 0%. (Speaking of that commercial is on while I type this, I hate Feist, yes the song is fucking catchy. But will someone explain to me why she is different that Ashlee Simpson - cute girl, really wants to rock, but gosh darn its just so much more fun to have choreography in videos.)
6. Arcade Fire - Come on not even a good indie CD, this is purely on the list to look hip.
7. MIA - Oh sweet an Indian rap goddess who's songs sound like she but a drum beat behind a garbage disposal for a melody and then did weird rhymes to it. (To be fair there has to be one female rapper every year thats a bit...off center...who remembers Lady Sovereign?)

Am I off-beat enough for you? No? Well how about this. SRI LANKA IN THE HOUSE!

8. Spoon - Yeah...when you sell 50,000 records total I'm guessing that frat boys who read maxim aren't your biggest fan base.
9. Interpol - They released a new CD?
10. Wilco - I'm shaking my head so violently I might convulse.


Yeah Maxim - you hit the nail on the head. I gotta admit, I guess this list is better without PiNk and Britney.

But I know what you are asking. "Kelson, isn't this Advent Calendar kind of a countdown to Christmas?" To which I respond "No." This isn't me telling you what is the best of 2007 or Christmas, this is me saying what I like. So ... we've cleared that up.

Vh1 countdown update: Lifehouse...with some song #29. (They are good for one single an album)

I do understand the need for these countdown shows, everyone likes a little closure on their year. But do I really need ESPN giving me an hour long special? (I'd settle for a top 10 plays of the year wedged in between a 8 minute Jeremy Schaap Special on a dying 10 year old boy who has one arm but LOVES to play hockey and 4 second highlights of previous night's sporting events).

Vh1 Countdown update: Nickelback was previewed in hour number 1, this is good news they will not crack the top 20. (Does anyone sit down and go, "yeah i know all nickelback songs sound alike, but i really love the lyrics." Ok some of you might, but then I ask - "Rockstar?" really? Does anyone want to hear a rockstar do a tongue in cheek mockery of the rock star life, when you know for a fact that they ARE that cliche? See Cribs circa 2003. )

So for countdown lists TV stations, magazines, zines, blogs should only allowed to publish these after XMAS. Obviously they don't so that they can re-run them at least 40 times throughout the holidays, but it would be nice to have a wrap up when the year is actually done. Eventually CNN will run a top 10 events of the year and Michael Vick won't have a chance to shine because he was sentenced in early December and not by their "End of Year" October deadline. '

I referenced the fact that these lists are like opening your calendar for 5 days in a row only to find rabbit turds that you mistakenly think are chocolate tic tacs. Listen these lists are fun to read take time, and critique (obvi...I spent an hour on this people) but at the end of the day they are shit because no one will ever agree that Feist is the best non blond pop star to release a single before may and after march, but not have it get big till october. There is just no way that will happen. Although, I would love to read that list.


Currently Listening to: (Watching) Vh1 Countdown - last few videos included Daughtry "I'm Trying to be Creed" and Timbaland taking credit for a band with their song "Too late to POLOGIZE"

December 5, 6, & 7th - Glue

So I decided to open up the advent calendar only once over the last 3 days (I'll let you guess which day) and underneath door number 5, 6 or 7, I found glue. Now, translated to Christmas time language that's delicious upon first taste, but leaves you will a terrible feeling in your stomach for some reason (hint: it's the glue!).

But as you may be able to tell by the number 5 these past few days I have basked in the joy of Christmas music (and glue). Christmas music is exactly like glue, at first you are really excited for it to come around every year. After all it's only relevant for 25 days exactly (NO CHRISTMAS MUSIC IN NOVEMBER, JESUS WASN'T BORN IN FUCKING NOVEMBER). So it's a very special occasion.

However, there are three distinct categories - Classics, Pop Christmas songs, Bad Pop Christmas songs. Away we go.

The Classics - While theoretically this could be broken down into 2 or 3 sections I will not give too much credence to this category. These are the songs that date back to the time of Jesus (Silent Night..Little Drummer Boy...Frosty the Snowman (Jesus LOVED that one)). Basically songs that you somehow were born knowing the words to. Also in this category are classics from the 50's like Bing Crosby's White Christmas (somehow he was able to record this while silently beating his child, silent night indeed). Apparently this is THE best selling single of all time, of any genre of music (somewhere Timberlake is going back in time to make sure Bing Crosby never crooned to begin with).

These golf balls are good to shove into a sock (or christmas stocking) for a well deserved beating!

In my estimation, there were no good christmas songs recorded again until the 80's with the invention of the muppets and their amazing TV special. So then, as one Dan Ragna points out, it became a staple for bands to make a Christmas album (Raffi, Radio Disney, Bright Eyes, Toby Keith) bands had to do this to stay relevant during this much necessary time of year. Besides who doesn't want to spend $20 on a CD you listen to 3 times a year? I DO I DO. Yet these songs were still relevant, mostly covers of covers of Bing Crosby and the jesus tunes of yesterday.

Now, we've come to a dead end - a song can only be covered so many times and as much as I'd like to see Lisa Marie Presley do a duet of "Jingle Bells" with her dead father, my ears have only so much blood to bleed. Christmas music of today has become generic and boring (almost like normal pop music). Their is a basic formula, found especially in pop punk songs (and pop songs for that matter) to get across the XMAS vibe. Take notes I expect royalties when you sell a million next December.

Christmas-y riff (doesn't HAVE to be from Christmas song, just has to sound like it could be) Jingle Bells is a good riff to steal from. This will be the intro and outro the song and possibly the lead over the chorus.

Lyrics - Say Christmas once and sprinkle with other references about Santa Clause (jesus if you are feeling spry). Then just write normal lyrics around them. For example - Fall Out Boy's hit "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" - "Don't come home for Christmas, you are the last thing I want to se underneath the tree" could easily be "Don't come home for dinner, you are the last thing I want to see the kitchen."

Christmas song title - If the first two are tough, you can easily nail this with a catchy song title. Fall Out Boy's is a reference to "A Christmas Movie" but instead of the famous quote spelled correctly they used "Yule" - HELLO CHRISTMAS!

Top 40 artists do this too, I have a faint feeling NYSNC recorded a song whose chorus was "Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays." There might have been some snow in the video and I'm sure their was at least one santa reference with some bells in the background.

We can't blame bands for not being original with Christmas - how many songs can you write about one day that aren't coma inducing? (really can a top 40 song be about a virgin popping out a child). So for now, we will have to live with the fact that Christmas music is glue and keep eating until our mouths wont open to sing the songs anymore. (Then we can start anew, WITHOUT Bing Crosby)

Currently Listening to - Saves the Day - Under the Boards

KAC - December 4 - Bye Bye Kwanza - Oreos

This morning, I was fortunate enough to rip off door number 4 to find a sweet oreo cookie. Delish. It even came with a packet of dried milk, like the kind the astronauts use. Consequently, I am writing this from the hospital.

But still the oreo is a good sign, and thusly, a positive Christmas Experience - neglecting every other religion! When Christmas time rolls around, the 85% of the country rolls out the trees and the decorations and gets ready to love Santa like hes draped in dollar bills. However, there is still a portion of the country left out by this fun experience - Jewish people and Kwanzan...ites (and others whose holidays I'll neglect even more). While Hanukkah (Jewish) and Kwanzaa (Kwanzanites) both fall in the month of December, they are necessarily gift giving holidays.

In lieu of gifts I have come across 2 options: Celebrate Christmas or offer some sort of weak present scheme that will never ever match the power of Santa Clause.

Santa rules on high, with an iron fist. BOW!

I have no problem with either, the holiday is about nothing other than giving gifts and, perhaps more importantly, receiving them, and is no way tied to any religious affiliation. So no religious zealots need be offended!

Of course retailers also encourage the celebration of Christmas by all, because that means more presents. In fact, Wal-Mart encourages getting Hanukkah candles as a Christmas present.

Just what I always wanted for Christmas!

The moral is that everyone deserves a Christmas even if they don't celebrate it. So I started thinking (generally dangerous) what else could this apply to:

- Everyone gets to park in a handicap spot, even though they may not be handicapped
- Everyone gets to enjoy in the fun of affirmative action, even though they may not be a minority
-Everyone gets to go inside Paris Hilton's vajayjay, even though they may not be an a greasy douchebag.
-Everyone gets to love Raymond, even though no one really does.

If only the Christmas spirit could last all year. (Sigh)

Christmas at the beach! If only!

Currently Watching: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (Only because I refuse to switch off CBS in anticipation of the Victoria's Secret fashion show)

THE KAC - Day 3 - Holiday Gatherings - Chalk

Welcome to December 3, the first shitty day of the KAC (Kelson Advent Calendar). Today, I awoke and opened up the lovely number 3 to find a piece of chalk. I know kids will eat almost anything but I refuse to eat chalk...even if its brown chalk....even if it says chocolate on it. OK fine I ate it but I didn't enjoy it....


I enjoyed it.

But the chalk is symbolic of course! Like bad kids receive bad presents or the equivalent of poison in their advent calendar, I do not enjoy some aspects of Christmas. Such as holiday gatherings. There are many types of holiday gatherings that you may love but today I will cover two that no one will ever love, not even Angelina Jolie, who will love anything.

That's her brother. She also adopts foreign kids. Seriously, she loves everyone.

First the awkward holiday party. This could be a gathering of friends, an office party, a KKK rally, whatever gets the Xmas spirit rising. These are events that will only happen in the month of December either due to Christmas or because people are in the holiday spirit and want to "share." While I have not yet come in contact with a Christmas office party I didn't love (free food) I did participate in the latter of these parties this weekend.

This is a stretch so before you continue this story let me give you some truths:

1. This was not a party
2. This was in no way brought together by Christmas
3. The only thing that relates this to Christmas is a massive group of Christians and the month of December.

Now let's begin the real story - I was invited by a dear friend to participate in a pickup football game this weekend. Being the athletic stalwart I am, I immediately jumped at the opportunity. I mean why not, the last pickup game I played ended up in the near death of one of my best friends. Yes, I was responsible for this near death, but it was cold and he needed to shut the fuck up. So I cut him. He bled red on the white snow and green grass mixture, creating a green, red and white Christmas!

So I happily accept this most recent invitation in hopes of recapturing my murderous glory of years past. I invite two of my other friends (participants and witnesses of the first game/death) because I want to continue the streak and they need to confirm it at a later date (no one would believe Cal Ripken played in 8000 games straight if 40,000 people hadn't seen it nightly).

I get to the field and quickly find about 30 gentleman warming up in cleats, gloves and doing something that looked to be wind sprints. I took part in none of this for fear my cheap $5 Kmart "cross-trainers" would quickly show signs of the shitty child labor that crafted them. (I was later informed that one "athlete" in this bunch was wearing Steve Smith's actual game worn gloves. Who wears NFL gloves to a pick up game?......If you answered douchebags you aren't wrong.)

I was 4 feet away from these exact gloves. However, they were on a much smaller, angrier white man.

At first I was taken aback by the mass quantities of kids that showed up (the last death march had 8), however I quickly realize they are all members of InterVarsity (not an athletic group) and all know each other. Which means?

Yes I was the last one picked. Twice.

While the Christian Coalition decided to pick each other I was busy praying there wouldn't be a group prayer before each play. (I was in luck) Yet, the mass number of people caused the game to be split into 2 separate games ( 8 vs. 8). Still too many people for my liking and because of this I continued to delve deeper into high school gym class lore. Yes I played "line."

Playing line in a pickup game is like playing middle right field in t-ball. In short, no one likes you and you get put there because you are useless anywhere else. While playing the Offensive line is not fun, Defensive line proved to be more fun as I got to rub man parts with other men as I pretended to chase the football. Plain and simple I rocked defensive line, I was later voted Pick Up Game MVP ( by myself).

So I made the most of the day. While it sucked to be picked last and play line I got to use muscles. Muscles I would later find out I had not used in 8 years. I sneezed this morning and felt it in my abs. Every single inch of me is sore and while I can chalk it up to be out of shape, I would rather not. It's been so bad, I just plain didn't eat today. Too much walking. Good times.

So what's to thank for the destruction (both mentally and physically) of my weekend. Christmas time of course! If it weren't for this cold time of year near the end of a school semester, 30 Christian kids wouldn't pile out of the cathedral to play football and crush my spirit.

If you were wondering no murders were committed this time. The fear of god was put in me by a 6' 8'' giant.


Wow, that was a long story. So the other type of Christmas party I despise is the Christmas awkward gathering (as bad as Thanksgiving). As a kid these are a blast, EVERYONE gets you presents (I was 13 5 years in a row to maximize this) but as an adult one person gets you a present and the likelihood is that person still thinks you are a child. Hence, I got a model car in years 18, 19, 20 and 21 of my adult life. (No worries each gift giver promptly became the recipient of a smashed mailbox.)

Also, as an adult you have to interact with the family (not so bad) and the families' friends (who for some reason don't have their own family). The family friends are the worst, they have no idea who you are and if they do, they remember you as a 5 year old. Endlessly frustrating. After 5 minutes of dry conversation and witty banter (the friend will most likely not get) you realize why they dont' go to their own families gathering A) The family can't stand them B) The family killed themselves or C) The family friend killed his own family.

I remember you when you were this tall.
My response: I'm surprised the alcoholism hasn't wiped that memory clean away.

You can lose the family friend for a short time but they will also pop up again later. They have their own tradition they need to enforce on the family (EVERYONE LEAVE YOUR SHOES OUTSIDE...NOW) and cause a headache for just about everyone with a brain (normally just me).

Now this might be central to my family, but their is NO ONE in my age range. Literally. The next closest person is 12 years younger than me. He is 10, not easy to have a conversation with a 10 year old that isn't about Transformers (I've tried. They only care about the new transformers, when EVERYONE knows that Transformers Beast Wars totally kicks ass). How about I look older - (searching...) closest age is....37... I tend to think this is a joke on me, everyone in the family said "ah fuck it, lets see how long we can go as a family without having another child. We can pick on him for holidays on end!"

The worst part is when you find out your 37 year old second cousin is now married and no one informed you. However, this is quickly corrected when someone (in my case, my mother) says "oh just so you aren't the last to know, your cousin Jimmy Smits is now married." Oh thanks, BUT IM STILL FUCKING LAST TO KNOW. Also, at this point I've already embarrassed myself for not knowing who this new bride is and I awkwardly I have to kiss her on the cheek or some shit.

Which brings me to the last point - the goodbye. As if its not enough to deal with your family for hours on end, I sit in fear, planning my exit strategy so I have to kiss/hug the least number of people. Does anyone want to come within 3 inches of a drunk relatives mouth? Anyone? I think I'd rather eat chocolate flavored chalk.


Check back tomorrow! December 4th! Best Advent Calendar Ever!

Currently Listening to: Glassjaw - Worship & Tribute

The Kelson Advent Calendar (KAC)

Christmas is a wonderful time of year don't you think? In commemoration of Santa's Birthday I'd like to present the Kelson Advent Calendar, because December just isn't as good if you aren't starting each day with 400 calories of cheap chocolate (or more accurately all 24 pieces in one day).

Each day (that I feel like it) I'll give you a new morsel of chocolate to fulfill your "holiday needs." Each post will state something remarkable about this time of year whether I love it or hate it. Today (and yesterday) we have:

DAY 1 - CHRISTMAS MOVIES - DARK CHOCOLATE

Everyone loves a good XMAS movie (as long as they don't focus on that silly Jesus character), so the hits over the years include A Charlie Brown Christmas, A Christmas Carol and Miracle on 34th St. Forever. These will be re-aired on TNT and ABC at least 45 times each this month. Hooray! In these situations I don't like to watch the whole movie in one sitting, rather I watch 3 minute snippets at one time and then randomly flip back to the channel days later in hopes of catching 3 minutes I haven't seen. By the end of the month I've still seen the movie 4 times all the way through and I don't get tired of it!

Now there are 2 more categories of XMAS movies OTHER than the classics - the new classics and the bombs. In recent years the geniuses at movie studios have realized people (like myself) FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS AND WILL CELEBRATE IN ANY MOVIE THAT CELEBRATES CHRISTMAS. So in the last 10 years we have received new classics like The Santa Clause, Elf, Love Actually (ummm Hugh Grant, will you marry me?) and even the classic Home Alone Series. These movies are always a good re-watch and are good for a laugh both on and off screen. Shortly after making these films, most of the actors dropped off the face of the earth (EXCEPT HUGH GRANT HE ROCKS)

Although implausible, I imagine Hugh Grant is kissing his own fine ass.

Here is a list of some select actors' work after their holiday film:

Tim Allen - NEXT FILM - Jungle 2 Jungle, See Also: The Shaggy Dog, Christmas with the Kranks (oh trust me, this will be covered shortly)

Zooey Deschanel - NEXT FILM - Eulogy See Also: The Good Life, Live Free or Die (Not the Die Hard Movie)

Macaulay Culkin - NEXT FILM - The Pagemaster See Also: Party Monster (Hint: He loves heroine.)

Can you guess which one is on amphetamines?

Keira Knightley (YES I KNOW, but OTHER than Pirates of the Caribbean) NEXT FILM - King Arthur See Also - Domino, Pride & Prejudice

So perhaps there is a curse among Christmas movies, at the least these actors' films were good (Tim Allen how could you do this to me?)

However, because this is Hollywood there are sure to be many shitty movies on this list as well. Here they are with a short recap of why the are awful

Christmas with the Kranks - Tim Allen plays himself, from "Home Improvement" with a new family, disaster ensues when he decides to skip Christmas. Lesson: DONT FUCK WITH SANTA

Tim Allen didn't need makeup for this film

The Last Holiday, The Perfect Holiday, The Holiday - First problem 2 of these 3 films star Queen Latifah. Really? There was no other strong black female to get for this (one that didn't rap in the 90's). The second problem, quite obviously, is that they all have "holiday" in them. LESSON: DONT FUCK WITH CHRISTMAS. No "holiday" films, only christmas movies. If we wanted secular films we'd have Hanukkah with the Goldsteins. No one would see that.


Black Christmas. - A Christmas horror movie....Yep. LESSON: Halloween was two months ago douchebags.

Surviving Christmas, Reindeer Games - Two completely different films, both starring Ben Affleck. Both bombs, coincidence? SC was more of a delightful romp in the hilariousness that IS family holidays, but wouldn't you rather see Uncle Tim get plastered and hit on your cousin than have Ben Affleck score with his half-sister? Exactly. Lesson: Why is Ben Affleck doing any movie other than a Kevin Smith film.

So that was Day 1 (and 2) of the advent calendar. Check back tomorrow to see what December 3rd will be. PS. I HOPE ITS CANDY CORN!

PPS - Bad Santa was left off any list, as it was probably the most offensive Christmas movie, however it is by far the funniest out of this bunch. Also Jingle all the way was left off this for fear that the Governator would kill me.

Currently Listening to: I Am the Avalanche - I Am the Avalanche