Ummm, WTF?

The Angry White Bus Driver

2011-04-13T12:02:00.005-04:00

Today, I had the same bus driver two days in a row and this is only of note because on the first day I had him, he tried to destroy my soul. If you are unfamilliar with public transit and the people who operate the buses and trains, you can generally imagine people that don't give a shit about you and will most likely try to make you shit your pants while speeding around corners in a 53 foot death trap. This is actually preferred. Bus drivers often let slews of people on when their transit cards don't work and show about as much effort and respect for the job as Eddie Murphy when he decided the Adventures of Pluto Nash was a good idea.

This makes it easier for everyone, you don't bother them and they only bother you when are at a 45 degree angle looking over the roof of a Ford Taurus. These last two days I was not lucky enough to have such a bus driver. My transit card is a UPass, given to me by my school for use throughout the semester. It has my picture on it (where I attempted to smile and came out looking a little too creepy to be within 50 feet of a school) and the picture is smack in the middle of the card. When you swipe the card it swipes through a machine vertically and thus when it reads, the entire card is in a machine. In the 8 months I have had this card not once has anyone given me trouble for using this UPass.

This bus driver, probably hoping for a promotion, decided that he needs to see the picture on the card as it swipes through the machine. A process that takes 1.3 seconds to swipe, and this driver thinks he will catch a glimpse of my chubby face in a 1 inch picture from 4 feet away. As I swiped the card and began my journey past the horrific faces on the bus (generally, only crazy people take the bus, I'm not sure why, since it's a valid form of transportation and I'm not sure if that also makes me crazy) and he stops me.

"See your ID?" he grumbled in a voice that had obviously been tarnished by years of Lucky Strike cigarettes.

"Huh?"

"SEE YOUR ID?"

I take my headphones out and he says it one more time with this delightful explanation attached. "You are covering the picture on the card because you don't want me to see who is actually on there, so I need to see your school ID."

I hand him the ID and he then stops the bus completely and compares the two for at least 6 seconds (the pictures on each card are the same) and then begrudingly realizes I wasn't trying to scam the CTA and tells me not to cover the picture anymore. This card is the size of a credit card and you have to hold it from the top to swipe it, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to show him my picture without mashing it against his eye.

This morning, when we met again, I pulled out the card like a dainty southern belle holding out her hand to be kissed at the Kentucky Derby (although I forgot my fancy hat). I clutched the card so gently from the top corner with just my thumb and index finger, that a light breeze would've blown it away. The angry white bus driver knew it was me, I held the card up to his face and then swiped and he nodded, allowing me the honor of sitting on a bus I had already paid for. The moral of the story? You can't trust whitey.

The Time I Experienced the Playoffs

2011-01-23T18:53:00.003-05:00

I have been an avid fan of football (and sports in general for as long as I can remember). In fact my deepest memory is listening to the Dodgers play the Mets on the radio right around 1992. Although I am now a Mets fan, I was a Dodgers fan in those days and I can vividly remember not being able to fall asleep because I was unsure of what Brett Butler was going to do on the base paths.

I live and breathe my own fandom - the Mets 2006 NLCS debacle is still a touchy subject for me. However, there have been very few times in my lifetime where I have truly experienced a city gather around a team and go nuts for them (this tends to happen when you live in the suburbs or a state that has no baseball team and a football team that can be described as "lackluster" at best) . I was hoping to change that this afternoon when I hit up a local bar to watch the NFC Championship game where the Bears played their heated division rival, the Green Bay Packers.

The plan was to go to a bar on Clark Street - which is a street that Wrigley Field sits on. It is filled with bars and not just any bars. Bars that have Televisions at every booth and attract Jersey Shore-ites on vacation in Chicago. It's a hoppin' place.

My friends found a bar first (around 12, 2 hours before game time) and were confined to standing room only. Luckily by the time I arrived they had found a table where we proceeded to wait for the game to start.

All I heard all week were Bears fans coming out of the woodwork to root for a team where I'm not sure they could name more than 5 players. The papers were littered with pictures of Jay Cutler sneering (you couldn't see the sneer, but if it's Jay Cutler, you can assume it's there.) This was the same city whose own sports columnist claimed the Bears would go nowhere this season and yes, he wears a paper bag over is head. So, sure, I was a little suspicious of the new found interest in the Bears. The tipping point might've happened when an acquaintance wrote on his Facebook wall "ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE BEARS GAME" - this same acquaintance did not watch the game last week, or even know who the Bears were playing.

This is what happens, I'm well aware of bandwagon fans in sports. Almost any Red Sox or Celtic fan is a bandwagon fan. (Here's a test - Ask them about Troy O'Leary's ethnicity. If they say White, they aren't a fan). But this is Chicago! People were pumped and I was pumped to share the experience with them, because cheering is cheering, especially when it's done by 400 people at the same time.

Back to the bar, these supposed fans weren't super excited for the game, they were super excited for the music being played BEFORE the game. A little bit of Bieber, a little bit of Train. It was my worst nightmare. The $5 bottles of Bud Light weren't helping the situation (nor was the fact that they didn't sell PBR). This was going to be an expensive day filled with awful music. Although it might be my own fault, I had been to this bar twice before and I know it's a "bro" bar - where backwards hats are cool and girls wear enough makeup to kill 3 spider monkeys. In fact when I told my girlfriend where I was, she said, "That's where dreams go to die." But that's ok, the fans are still here and the game is about to start.

When the game started it became clear - every commercial break would be filled with this insipid music, sometimes the fat Samoan (is this being redundant? Are all Samoans fat?) would forget to turn off the music when the game came back on. I've never wanted to hear Joe Buck so badly in my entire life. As the Packers took a 14-0 lead the crowd pretty much seemed dead. When Cutler declined to come back for the 2nd half, there weren't loud uproars (except from my friend who used a lot of ugly terms. Real bad), it's like these fans didn't realize Todd Collins whose regular season QB rating was 5.9 (as comparison Tom Brady's was 110. That's right Tom Brady is 20 times better than Todd Collins). Todd Collins threw 5 interceptions on just 27 attempts. This was a disaster for the Bears fans, but they didn't express their dismay.

I realized I was in the wrong place for this. While it is obviously more fun to watch a group of fans get entirely over excited about a football game, it is endlessly interesting to watch them hurl insults at players that are much much bigger than them and these fans only had one mode. Happy!

This would soon become pretty obvious when the Bears scored a TD and the place went nuts. The top floor of the bar seemed to literally shake as Bears fans jumped up and down. I imagine the floor would've disintegrated had real Bears fans been in there (this constitutes 300 lb men with mustaches who look like John Goodman). That probably should've been my first clue as to the level of fandom in this bar - too many attractive girls wearing Devin Hester jerseys and too many guys wearing sunglasses inside.

The Packers scored again and the place didn't go eerily numb; it just went indifferent. With 6 minutes left people knew the game was over but weren't overly emotional about this outcome, they were just happy to drink buckets of Bud and dance to the music that was now going so far into the game action that we were missing plays. Joe Buck, WHERE ARE YOU?

Then, almost all of the sudden the Bears scored again and were down by 7 with 4 minutes to go. They bar played the "bear down" theme song and then quickly segued into the famous "shots shots shots shots shots" song - where the chorus is literally people screaming shots over and over. This song was played 4 times during the 4 hours I was there. Then the weird part happened, the momentum only slightly carried over as the Bears forced the Packers to punt. The bar quit playing audio of the game altogether at parts so they could play more club-esque music, hoping to get people pumped up. But this is a football game, people should start their own cheers, this is the biggest game of their season and they need to be poked into getting riled up? Not a good sign for these fans.

As the Bears drove for the final drive, the bar was actually hopping again. People were obscuring my view of the screens and yelling and high fiving with every play. Ok, this is what should be happening (regardless if Chris Brown is playing in the background). Then the final play of the Bears season came, an interception and the bar fell silent. Anticipating this heartache I quickly tweeted "someone just stabbed this bar in the chest."

But that was inaccurate, Bears fans didn't seem to be any more somber. Music was still blasting and they were all still sitting at their tables, talking to their friends, perhaps waiting for the next game. My friend, a true Bears fan I suppose, was too distraught to want to do anything and he went home, but as we packed up and left the bar, we were the only ones! While I can't tell people what to feel, I think that after an excruciating loss I feel like you need time to recover. Hell, I've felt sadder after television episodes end (yes episodes, not even seasons). Not these Bears fans! They were ready to keep the party pumping.

To me, this would be like someone telling you a family member was in the hospital, yeah you might feel bad, but hey, you're already at this bar, so why not keep paying for over priced alcohol!

The real lesson I learned was where to go to see real fans. The bar I was at were mainly people just like me, people who wanted to be a part of this experience but who didn't really know how to be an active participant (in my case I declined to, my dad is a shareholder for the Packers). The problem here is obvious, you can't get a real experience with people who are just in search of a real experience. Fans aren't the ones who brag about going to games, fans are the ones who brag ABOUT the game.

Scraps for My Scrapbook

2010-12-24T11:11:00.003-05:00

I am the emo Tucker Max. If you are unaware of who Tucker Max is or what emo refers to, I will do a quick recap. Tucker Max is a douchebag that thrives on destroying the dignity of young women and then writing about it. Tucker Max has been doing this for years, writing about it for years and has now reached a level of fame that would rival adorable kitten videos on youtube. Yet, somehow girls still sleep with him, knowing that they will probably be treated like a hooker of varying degrees (solely based on their attractiveness). This is probably the Girls Gone Wild syndrome.

Emo might be the antithesis of Tucker Max. An emo could widely be considered depressed, pathetic, romantic and of course, emotional (to an excessive point). I think at least two of these attributes should be real winners in the minds of girls. An emo tends to excessively think about his or her level of sadness based solely on his or her relationship status. (Questions that might arise during this thinking session probably include: Does she like me? Do I care too much? What do I have to do to get her to like me? Does she like me? Was she hooking up with someone who is not me last night? Does she like me?)
So if you pull these two distinct definitions together, you get someone who is obsessed with girls, forms awkward, weird relationships with them, is overwhelmingly unsuccessful at said relationships and then writes about them.
I am the emo Tucker Max.
In my 25 years of existence, and more accurately, my 13 years of opposite sex awareness, I have had xx girls. (Had = been obsessed with, dated, hooked up with, stalked, etc. You know, the usual). This clarification is important, because if I had just said that I had xx girls, you would think I was at least halfway to Tucker Max douchebagdom. Out of these xx girls, I have seriously dated (small number) and slept with only (smaller number). This is an alarmingly low ratio. I have now written this down and I am alarmed.
Naturally, I had interest in almost all of these girls but for some reason things never worked out. I’d like to blame the girls in this scenario, but it has recently come to my attention that any girl who offers me any sort of attention will probably cast some sort of spell on me and I will be interested in them. Girls are witches, a proven fact from American history (especially in Salem, MA).
This is not a whoa-is-me story (I have a livejournal account for that). This is a story to document the weird minutia of my love life. The girls’ names have been changed (to numbers) and I have selected a few of the more awkward girls. I do not want you to feel bad for me (maybe just a little), I want you to rejoice at the ridiculousness of these girls and the signs they give off and never, ever mean. You will only read about a few of them, but then go back and remember this has happened to me xx times in, ostensibly, 8 years of active dating life, I am the emo Tucker Max after all.

Girl # 39

39 and I went to college together. It was one of those friends of friends type things, but she was always overwhelmingly nice and she was as cute as a baby deer (are those called fawns? I feel like fawns is a cuter term. So let’s say fawns). She was as cute as a fawn. Big brown doe eyes, long brown hair and really, a fantastic smile that would often make me seize up in terror, because I’m not used to such lovely smiles specifically smiling at me.
In college, our contact was kept to a fair minimum, as we didn’t really have an excuse to talk or hang out unless a bunch of other people were around. I did not yet have the ability to strike up conversations with attractive girls I didn’t know well (this is still 84% true.) In the first few years, I would always joke with her friends, who were also my friends, about how cute she was, we even gave her a nickname. Mousey. Mousey Girl #39. (Her actual name made the nickname sound much better. Trust me). The mousey was a compliment and directly referred to her looks and her shy, quiet personality. I wonder if she knows about this name, I think I hope that she does, she might find it cute and perhaps I would still have a chance at some point in life. Yes, this is how my brain operates.
Fast forward 2 years. We become better friends in our senior year of college, so much so that, I think I may have a legitimate shot with her and make a choice between her and the girl [SPOILER ALERT] that turns out to be #36. Fast forward another 2 years. #36 and I have long burned out, and #37 and I are in the middle of 1 of our many break ups. I realize that #39 is living less than 2 hours from me and decide to give her a quick message on the ole Facebook. To my surprise she responds, although rather slowly. (SIDEBAR: In this day of instant communication, I am absolutely a product of AIM. If people don’t text me, call me, email me or Facebook message me back within a few hours of my original contact, I’m apt to have a panic attack.) We exchange emails for awhile, just catching up/getting to know each other, since we probably had less than 2 hours of actual conversation in our 4 years of college together.
Eventually, it was decided that it would be acceptable to hang out at some point and one weekend in the late fall of 2008 I made the almost 2 hour journey to go visit her. Her and the Charlotte Bobcats, that should be noted, I suppose. Originally, I didn’t want to come off as desperate or weird driving that far just to see her, and it just so happened that I was a pseudo season ticket holder for the Charlotte Bobcats (they are a professional NBA team, if you were unaware. Really, go look it up.) So, after a Bobcats loss, I ventured over to her apartment to pick her up.
When she came out, she was clearly dressed like this wasn’t a date. Although, she was still incredibly cute. She was wearing those workout pants that are tight like leggings, but girls still manage somehow to work out in, a baggy sweatshirt and a sports bra whose strap was semi-visible. Her hair was thrown into a messy bun (I like to call this sexy messy, because it IS and because it’s a fun term) and I’m sure she was not wearing makeup. These things did not matter, she was beautiful and she was going out to dinner with me. That is all I need to fall in love.
We tried to pick a restaurant close to her apartment, but it was almost 10 PM and it was a Sunday, so we settled on this pizza place that turned out to be one of those, Italian/$20 pizza places that somehow taste different (and thus cost more) than “generic Italian first name’s Pizza” down the street. They looked at us like we were crazy, I was in jeans, slip on shoes and a hoodie promoting my favorite band of 2008, Brand New. She had just finished working out. We were not welcome, but they seated us anyway.
The dinner conversation was unbelievably pleasant. I had never assumed or believed #39 to be deep or be interested in the same sort of stuff I was, but we had now been out of college for a full year and we were in the same position in life and had gone through the same things. We both hated our jobs, lived in separate cities where we knew almost no one and longed to live in a city that actually had things to do. We bonded and I’m prone to latch on to any connection with any human I can stand, thus I was endlessly happy. We ended up splitting the bill, as I knew this was not a date, and did not want to overstep any opposite sex friend boundaries. I drove her back to her house, we sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, wrapping the night up and ended with her reaching across the center arm rest of my Prius and giving me a hug. I was hooked (I’m an easy catch).
I had such a great time, that I decided that this needed to happen again, immediately. We made plans to meet up again the next weekend, I would again make the two hour drive and this time I wouldn’t have to sit through a horrific Bobcats game. I didn’t even need directions to get to her apartment, I already had it memorized and I was very impressed with myself at this accomplishment. If memorizing streets and left hand turns isn’t love, I’m not sure what is.
We had a plan for this particular November day and it started at a museum. I’m not sure the name of museum but it was pretty small, we walked through it in less than an hour and the only notable piece I remember was AAA-level Andy Warhol painting, you know not quite the Campbell Soup painting, but hey at least it’s Andy Warhol. Museums only serve to magnify any portion of your social life, they just seem more important and make whatever you are doing that much more significant. If we had gone to a movie, we would have had to sit through Jennifer Lopez failed attempt at a return to romantic comedy and I would’ve been able to predict every joke in the movie. I can’t predict art, I can’t even begin to know the meaning behind these pieces. So for two people, on a pseudo date to go to an art museum together on a beautiful day, it kind of seems perfect and makes the date seem more real. (Right? I might be reading into things that aren’t really there again. Which is why I get into situations like the one about to happen.)
After the museum we walked around the artsy section of uptown Charlotte - going into record stores, old antique stores, and really just enjoying each others companies. If this were a movie, it would be a pure romance and Nicolas Sparks would’ve written it and Adam Brody would be playing me on screen. I would never actually see this movie in theaters though, I’d need the privacy of my own room, as not to let anyone see me weep openly. The sun soon set and it became too cold to really stay outside, so we once again grabbed dinner and picked an Asian place relatively close to her apartment. Once again, we picked a place that did not serve food for less than $14 a plate. We had a lovely time, I offered to pay and she declined, cordially, and we both ended up splitting it, going back to her place and watching a movie - Vanilla Sky.
At this point in time she had just adopted a 3 legged dog from the pound and although he was sweet and weirdly adorable, he plopped himself down on the couch right in between us. How can you make a move over a dog? The dog didn’t move the entire length of the movie and although we both really enjoyed it and felt a connection to it and (hopefully) to each other, nothing happened. I left that night with a pretty deep hug at the door and was on my way back home again, high on the activities of the night and confused as to what was actually happening. This is the theme of my life: Being overly happy about a situation I am completely unaware of.
I decided, as I often do after days of over analysis that I needed to be sure of what the situation was, I cannot possibly make a move on a girl unless I know for a fact that she wants me to, or unless I feel some outrageous spontaneous outburst of human connection, but I’m fairly certain that only happens in Charlie Kauffman movies. My company Christmas party was right around the corner and this was the perfect opportunity to ask her out. I called her up, chatted for a few minutes and then using at least 95% of my courage, asked her if she wanted to be my date to my company’s party. She said yes, unflinchingly. This was going to happen, she agreed to an actual date and she was going to drive 2 hours each way just to come to my party. Not to mention the fact that I would have a super hot girl to take with me to a party consisting of my fellow employees (who, of course, later questioned me on how I was able to bring such an attractive girl. I considered this a success.)
In the days leading up to the party, she asked me what she should wear and I was told that it was dressy casual, that I was wearing a sweater/tie combination and jeans. #39 decided she could get away with a nice top and jeans and it was settled. She arrived at my place a little bit before the party, deciding against bringing the 3 legged dog (though I told her she could bring him, so she wouldn’t have to rush back home to walk him, you know in case ..uh...she wanted to stay). This was disappointing as I knew that she wouldn’t be staying the night. When we got to the party, we were probably the most under dressed people there, I had been misinformed about this and as a result I ended up looking like a hobo compared to my coworkers, who apparently thought they were Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. She never said it, but I think #39 was thoroughly embarrassed. Not a good way to start a date.
However, the rest of the night at the party went well, I made great conversation, made everybody laugh and we had great (free) food. She was also partaking in the open bar, and I was sure that this was a not a bad thing. Then it came. An hour and a half into the party, she decided she needed to leave to get back to her dog. This made sense, she had already been gone 4 hours and had another 2 before she could even get home, but it was still incredibly disappointing. We left suddenly, went back to my place, where I walked her to her car, gave another hug and that was that.
For the next two weeks, she didn’t return my phone calls or texts or emails. I explained this very situation to anyone who knew both of us and tried to determine what I did wrong, because I assuredly did something wrong. I asked one of her good friends what she thought, and after some Mary Kate Olsen level sleuthing, she determined that she just didn’t like me in that way. This was OK, I thought, I can make her like me. Christmas was around the corner and I had the perfect gift. During the museum trip, she had opened up to me about her aspirations to be an interior restoration designer. Essentially, taking old homes and restoring them to their classic states, internally. I did some research and found a huge coffee table book on this very subject. I purchased it and tried to make plans with her before Christmas, so I could give it to her.
Unfortunately, she never really got back to me. So, after a Charlotte Bobcats game, my old college roommate and I drove down to her place and pulled off a secret operation, dropping off the book (all wrapped up, and with a cute note) on her doorstep. I was incredibly proud of myself for fighting off vengeance and giving her a gift about something she had mentioned in passing, but that was clearly something important to her. Aren’t these the type of things that girls go nuts for? Days later, I got a simple text message thanking me for the gift and that was that. No call, no attempt to see me again, apparently my last grasp effort wasn’t strong enough and a girl who filled my life with joy for a month just didn’t feel the same.
It was around this time that I started making music again and thus girl #39 has two songs written about her and one of which was even released on our first CD. Almost a year later, I was in Charlotte on business and staying for a few days and asked if she wanted to grab food. We talked as if nothing had ever happened and that we were just old college friends, even though the crux of our friendship had been developed post college in a one month span in the fall of 2008. We stay in touch randomly, she moved to a city with friends and people and I did the same. When she moved to this city, she came and saw my band play on tour and bought a CD. All of our mutual friends asked me to sign their CDs and I obliged and signed hers “thanks for coming, you have effected some of these songs more than you’ll ever know.” Girl #39, another scrap for my scrapbook.

What Your Television Shows Say About You P2.

2010-12-24T08:26:00.004-05:00

ABC -

Dancing With the Stars - " I like to throw myself into a world of imagination where celebrities dance just as awkwardly as me!"

Skating With the Stars - "I like to watch shows where I'm more famous than the celebrities."

Detroit 1-8-7 - "I like the least amount of creativity in my show titles as possible. I named my dog Spot, and I named my cat, Cat. I also bask in the depression of a miserable town."

The Middle - "I really miss Everybody Loves Raymond. I really wish there were more CBS type comedies on TV."

Modern Family - "I am liberal, smart, and humble (ish). I can totally laugh at gay people, even though I still think it's a sin, and I'm totally not racist, because I'm down with Hispanic people in my TV programming."

Grey's Anatomy - "I am a woman."

FOX

House - " I like a lot of wit and depression in my doctor, because I like to live on the verge of not knowing if he will be too drunk to cure me."

Glee - "I used to sing in high school. ALOT. I got beat up or made fun of for it, but that's ok now, look at how popular this show is! Band and theater kids are cool again, right?"

Hell's Kitchen - "I don't care about cooking, I just like to see other people get destroyed (verbally, of course) by an angry British man."

Fringe - "It's been a long 5 years since the X-Files went off the air and now I don't have to smoke crack to ease that pain ever again!"

Cops - "I like to gaze at humans as if they were animals about to go into Zoo confinement."

Family Guy - "I enjoy a good non-sequitur, even if I don't get the reference. There is a 92% I am in college."

The Simpsons - "I used to be edgy, but I grew up and realized jokes were childish. Now I barely even attempt to be funny."

What Your Television Shows Say About You

2010-12-23T21:10:00.004-05:00

In the spirit of Christmas, I decided to take some time and break down the real meaning of the shows you watch and what they say about you. Am I generalizing? Yes. Do I Care? No. Merry Christmas. I was going to do the top 20 Nielsen rated shows but they are all on CBS, and it would just be the same joke over and over. Let's start there.

CBS Shows - If you watch any show on CBS you are basically saying, " I am over 50 years old, CBS was on when I clicked the TV on and I am way too lazy to change the channel." There can be no other acceptable explanation for why CBS has 17 of the top 20 most watched shows on television. Every single show (other than maybe How I Met Your Mother) is a generic comedy filled with canned laughter or a procedural drama where witty middle aged men figure out murders.

Sidebar: If you watch 2 and a Half Men you are saying - "Hey, listen, I know this show prominently features a man that cant stop doing crack and paying hookers, and always takes the easy "gay" joke, but it's comfortable, and my brain doesnt process "humor.""

Sidebar 2: Big Bang Theory viewers are basically convincing themselves they like a smart comedy - like Arrested Development - because the comedy show is ABOUT smart people. Don't be fooled folks, just because the characters are dorks and they make 1 science reference per episode, this is NOT a smart comedy.

NBC -

The Biggest Loser - This is the only non football or CBS show to make it in the top 20. If you watch this show you are either saying, "I like to laugh at fat people," or "This show will inspire me to lose weight, but thank god I'm not getting yelled at by that scary lesbian lady who may or may not experience a touch of roid rage."

Minute to Win it - I've never seen this show, but the dude from the Friday's commercials is in it and I don't like his blonde hair/brown goatee combo. It's off putting. If you watch primetime gameshows you are saying, "listen, I worked all day long. You expect me to sit here and use my brain to follow a storyline. PASS."

The Sing Off - "I only watch this show because American Idol and Dancing with the Stars aren't currently on, but I desperately need to see amateur people attempt to make art."

The Office - "I work in a workplace, but my co-workers aren't nearly as funny, maybe I can find some comic relief here. Also, I like to pretend none of my co-workers ever change in 7 years. In my brain, no one ever leaves or gets a promotion."

Community - "I'm so hip because I get all 800 pop culture references in each episode. Also, I live each day of my life in a different theme, because I'm way too boring to actually just wake up and live my life. One day I pretend I'm a Western, one day I'm in an action movie, one day I pretend I'm a clay figurine! I'm so cutting edge!"

30 Rock - "I am the opposite of someone who enjoys the Big Bang Theory. I am smarter than you and I talk about it at great length."

Outsourced - "I am a racist."

Law & Order: ANYTHING - " I'm slightly more entertaining than people who watch CSI, but I may or may not have a cryptic fascination in the murder of small children. I also severely lust after my co-worker with an unpronounceable last night name."

Tomorrow: Fox & ABC.

Christmas: Cable!

Sunset Drama King

2010-11-24T20:07:00.002-05:00

I wrote the following story for a friend's art project this semester at graduate school. The theme was "It was only a moment, but it changed everything."

I am not afraid of car crashes. People always say that the likelihood of dying in a car accident is much greater than dying in a plane crash, but people in plane crashes perish at a rate of 99.9% (unless you are on Lost, where the soft ocean cushions your fall, then the ratio falls to 84%). This is not why I'm not afraid of car crashes, and in fact, any logical, reasonable answer you could think of would also be incorrect. I am not afraid of car crashes because I have an invisible shield of protection around me (the reason for it's magical existence is up in the air, but I suspect wizardry of some sort).

I have been in two fairly significant car crashes, but only one changed everything. This car crash is really about a girl (because the two are very closely associated) and a realization that comes from having your life explode onto a highway in the middle of winter. She and I had had "a thing." The type of relationship that only happens to love struck boys who are not so secretly in love with their best friend. I wasn't completely crazy, we dated, just not seriously, because of her inevitable "last relationship." The casualness of our relationship was apparent to only her; her friends and roommates swore we were going out, every waking hour was hanging out, just the two of us, making each other dinner and planning trips together.

So it was the fruition of one of these trips where this moment occurred. The two of us, woke up before the sun even rose one December morning to drive down to Florida, a 12 hour trip, to spend the Christmas holiday with her family (I hope now, you see my romantic confusion). It was sleeting at 6 AM, and being from Florida, she had no idea how to drive in the sleet. I offered to drive and she stuck to her stubborn self. It was only 20 miles later that her maroon Suzuki Grand Vitara went careening across four lanes of major highway. It was the ice caked on the wipers that caused the accident, wiping away sleet with ice picks never works. She decided to pull over, to remove the ice from the wipers and the moment happened.

Three lanes of traffic were no match for the sporty SUV, it was the fourth that was the problem. As we slid diagonally across the highway, I noticed a semi tractor trailer at our 2 o'clock. I had seen this before, the car slides under a tractor trailer and its passengers are decapitated. As we slide closer and closer she kept screaming my name out of fear and the possibility that our lives would end together. This made me feel loved. Then we smacked the side of the trailer flush, like a gigantic hand clap, and went spinning back across the highway. It was not over though, the Grand Vitara spun several times, finally pointing its' nose back towards oncoming traffic, and facing another tractor trailer barring down upon us. Luckily, the tractor trailer saw us and slowed down enough that the second hit only gently pushed us backwards.

It was then that everything changed for me. I was no longer the pathetic kid trying to make her love me, I was instinctively holding her and calling her mom at 7 am. I was dealing with the cops and the second truck driver. I was calling her friend to bring us home and figuring out how to get down to Florida anyway. The adrenaline caused me to be someone who was capable of being of loved. This is why I am not afraid of car crashes, they always make you feel more alive after you cheat death.

2010-10-04T10:50:00.002-04:00

This subway busier is literally the worst musician I've ever heard. Can't keep a beat or sing a tune. He alternates between playing bongos and snapping and singing. He's wearing a lab coat with a pen in the pocket (no pocket protector).

The Time I Tweeted the VMA's (in reverse order)

2010-09-13T16:46:00.004-04:00

Hey Folk(s) !!!!
This is my twitter feed from last night's VMAs. SO....you probably want to scroll all the way to the bottom and read up, so this makes at least some sense.
Also, thank you @DanielZragna for your interactions. They are included.
I meant to say puking. Damn auto correct. She makes me' puke. Duhabout 17 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
- Delete
Chelsea handler ends the night in a skintight dress. Let the liking commence!!!about 17 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
The name of this song is ballerinas and rapabout 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhonedanielZragna

@ummmwtfblog that's a lot of protein.
It IS meatabout 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
“@pattonoswalt: The VMAs are an R-rated episode of Yo Gabba Gabba where the day's lesson is "Desperation."” <<>about 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
“@danielZragna: @ummmwtfblog a boner killer. that's who.” <<>about 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Who the fuck is this?!?!,!, anyone know?about 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Hayley Williams looks like an adult. Who knew?about 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
I don't like the look of this bruno mars fellaabout 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Sofia vergara can barely speak English. Or she's playing up a stereotype of a Latina woman. No one wins here.about 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Is this the drake that owns the snack cakes?about 18 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Taylor swift, Simon cowell would say you are a bit pitchy. Also not a fan of the guitarist who uses too mch hairspray. Bon jovi called.about 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Lady gaga should literally win every award shes nominated for. Shes the only one who still tries to make videos interesting. Yeah I said itabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Bieber playing drums off time. I'm wetabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
“@danielZragna: Ellen Page looks good in a backwards hat and sure can dance!” <<>about 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Bieber surrounds himself with only adult male Asians and black guys. Weird or not weird?about 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
The bieb is definitely not singing live. Ashlee Simpson strikes againabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Kim k definitely fucked bieber already right? We all agree on thisabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
danielZragna

@ummmwtfblog his diabetes spreading continues. The MONSTER.
Ohhh yeah, I guess I should probably settle down with this lady who I knocked up twice 10 years ago. Good thing I banged 1000 girls b4 thatabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Bret michaels tries to bang ladies for 3 seasons on tv. Now I'm supposed to believe he found love with the mother of his childrenabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
That new show where a rich white guy with nothing to do pretends to be a rapper and a homeless person is going to be the worst show ever.about 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

danielZragna

@ummmwtfblog dude. the glowing, big-headed mouse dj?about 19 hours ago via web in reply to ummmwtfblog
That dj with the Glow in the dark mickey mouse ears is ballin. Beyond ballin. I need to go to thereabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
@danielzragna you voted for nicki manaj how many times?about 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
@danielZragna I think they banged. Hard.about 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to danielZragna
danielZragna

@ummmwtfblog DRAKE NXT 2 LADY GAGA!!! DO U THINK THEIR FRENS??
I think if gaga was a true artist shed just go ahead and have her feet surgically altered to hoofsabout 19 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Ohhhh shit son. I still have it. 1/1about 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Lady gaga wins best female video. Or else I'll listen to ke$ha non stop for a monthabout 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
1. @ummmwtfblog First herpes reference: 12 minutes.about 20 hours ago via web
  Reply
Wikipedia claims her age is 35. Yeaaaaaa not buying it. Also she just made a pokemon joke. So hip!about 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
I think ms handler may have been to Heidi montags surgeon. Her face is beyond stretched.about 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
What a terribly awkward intro. Bring back fallonabout 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
danielZragna

@ummmwtfblog over.about 20 hours ago via web in reply to ummmwtfblog
Over under on Chelsea handlers real age + number of crappy sex jokes she makes. I say 97about 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
I remember when I used to think eminem rhymed well. I don't have that problem anymoreabout 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
VMA's tonight. Pop Culture haven city for this blog.

The Time Google Murdered Me

2010-09-13T16:41:00.002-04:00

So, you might have noticed that there are no longer ads on this website. Google took them down. After earning over $220 thanks to people who click ads because these ads interest them (and only that reason, of course), google took interest in a blog that only gets 30-50 readers per day and saw that it was making money and decided it was illegal. So they took it all back and I'm never allowed to use adwords again. Yikes.

Tomorrow, I'll have a twitter recap of the VMAs. I hope you still read this blog, even though the only content now is my writing, I know you all loved those ads!

The Time I Almost Got Knifed (Theoretically)

2010-09-09T22:53:00.002-04:00

I recently put my iPhone up on craigslist, it was old, it was broken and I just wanted some money for it. I put it up for $100, listed all the issues with it and still got six responses within 3 minutes of posting it.

The responders had names like "KoKo" "D-Block Dave" and "Keiko Nguyen". There was an overwhelming feeling of illegality, but maybe that's just me being biased against prison references. I was trying to be fair and thus, I emailed the first in line. Koko.

I text messaged KoKo as he requested and told him the phone was indeed still available if he wanted to pick it up the day of. He instantly got back to me and our conversation went something like this:

Me: Ok, where do you want to meet, I live near the Sheridan redline stop (its a big train station, if you know the city, its easy to find).

Koko: I dont know where that is. Give me the exact address.

Me: (Deciding to give him the address of the bar down the street) 4000 Sheridan Rd.

Koko: Oh, yeah I know where that is. I'll be there sometime before 5. Will you have the money?

Me: Uh....I'm SELLING a phone.

Koko: Oh yeah..uhh ok, I'll be there soon.

Me: (Now extremely nervous) Nevermind, I have someone else that will buy it sooner.

Koko: HOW SOON, I CAN GET THERE RIGHT NOW

Me: Dont worry about it. Sorry for the mixup.

Koko: ILL GIVE YOU $110!

Koko: (5 minutes later) ARE YOU WAITING FOR ME OR NOT.

Me: No.

So how do you tell a possible psychopath named Koko that you are scared he might be a psychopath. The man wanted to know my address, wasnt even totally aware of the transaction and was desperate to meet me. Yeah....I was about to get knifed.

Then, I decided to throw out the rules and just email the person with the most normal sounding name. His name was George SOMETHING VERY RUSSIAN. But he could pick it up very quickly and he actually knew that he was buying it, always a plus. He says to meet him on a neighbor corner, so I stand out there for 15 minutes, looking like I was ready to make a drug deal.

The russian pulls up in a tinted window Scion and I'm immediately certain he's in the russian mob and he needs a bunch of extra cell phones (I know how this works, I've seen the Wire.) He checks the phone, chastises me for not using a screen cover and then gives me a speech about how hes going to have to replace parts and bla bla bla, apparently its worth it to refurbish old iPhones from 3 years ago when new ones can be purchased for $200. So he gives me $80, and in fact pulls out a wad of cash that ONLY has $80 in it, which seems weird because he had originally said $100, so I'm thinking he was thinking $80 the whole time.

I didnt want to get stabbed by anyone else, so I took the deal and was happy. The lesson, as always, never ever sell electronics on craigslist. God forbid there be a normal soccer mom who wants to buy an iPhone for her son. No, it has to be all phone refurbishers and dealers who literally spend all day scouring CL to buy iPhones so that they can sell them again.

2010-09-03T21:27:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates this week, I started work again and my body and mind have not adjusted to "work." So even though I'm only working 9-5, I basically shut down at 5:30 and go to bed at 9pm. It's good times.

I'll be back with all new stuff next week.

The Time I Guessed Emmy Winners

2010-08-30T21:41:00.002-04:00

Best Comedy - Nurse Jackie (because it's on showtime, and is in no way funny, so that must make it deep). Modern Family won, I'm ashamed that I can't even guess things remotely right anymore. You should probably take me out of your life.

Best Drama - Dexter (because it's on showtime, and Michael C. Hall just got over cancer.) Mad Men was the winner, I guess this also makes sense, since you know, only 45 - 60 year old men vote on the emmys.

Best Made for TV Movie - Temple Grandin (the only one I saw and frankly Claire Danes was mesmerizing in the last 13 minutes of it). YES!!!! 1/3. Let's get the ball rollin, as Robert Downey Jr says in Tropic Thunder, you never go full retard, and I suppose autistic people arent fully retarded.

Lead Actor in a Drama - (Michael C. Hall, see above). Shiiiiiiiit. I was this close to batting .500. Winner here was Bryan Cranston, who has somehow won every year his show has been on. I think Malcolm in the Middle really helped him, since it was such a TERRIBLE show, now that hes on a good show, people just say, "oh shit, I cant believe he can act."

Lead Actress in a Drama - Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer. I don't know why, because TNT plays the ads as regular programming? Yep. The ads convinced the voters that this middle aged woman in a show about...closing...? was the best actress on TV.

Best supporting Actor in a Drama - If this isn't Michael Emerson from Lost, I'll kill myself AGAIN. I love his beady eyes. I refuse to comment on this atrocity.

Best supporting Actress in a Drama - I've never seen any of these shows. I'll guess someone from the Good Wife. Blah. Again, it's weird that I watch 30 shows, yet I haven't seen any of these, I'm guessing "The Good Wife" isn't aimed at 25 year old single males. Just a hunch. BOOM. Close it out strong. 3/7. Although I kind of cheated by just grouping all the actresses on "The Good Wife" together, but so be it. It's my blog, my rules.

Make sure to come back next year, as we watch the cast of Glee collectively sweep the entire award show!

The Time I Went to the Emmy's (Again)

2010-08-29T19:59:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here live from my apartment in Chicago where the Emmy's start at 7 pm and not 8. WTF???? Primetime at 7PM, I could get used to you. I'll be honest, I'm not gonna last all 3 hours. So I'm gonna go as long as I can before I pass out. Jimmy Fallon is hosting. LETS GO!

7 PM - Cast of Glee in the pre-recorded opening segment. Trying to raise money to go to the emmy's...good plot. Yikes.

7:01 - Here comes Tina Fey, Betty White and Don Draper as dancers and they decide to sing a Bruce Springsteen song (I think, I'm not a 55 year old douchebag from Jersey, so I'm not positive).

7:04 - Definitely Springsteen, this segment is overloaded with Bruce references (right down to the guitar and the infidelity). Unfortunately, MR Fallon's microphone was waaaaaaaay too loud and his out of breath singing was slightly embarrassing.

7:06 - Somehow he went from t-shirt and jeans to tuxedo...I suddenly don't think this is live anymore. A Conan O'Brien joke starts off the comedy. While we are here, I'm pretty upset that "Team Coco" is also live blogging the Emmy's, since that blog is written by actual comedy writers.

7:10 - They are doing "a year in comedy" recap and they included clips of Two and A Half Men, soooo the award show loses all of it's validity in the first 10 minutes. Fantastic.

7:11 - Outstanding Supporting Actor in Comedy - Three guys from Modern Family, NPH from How I met Your Mother, and Jon Cryer from Charlie Sheen's Show. A guy from Modern Family wins!!! Holy shit balls. I love that show. Is he gay in real life, let's find out...

7:13 - He doesn't sound gay, but his definitely Gay in real life tv partner is crying...so maybe something on the side? I'll go with not gay though.

7:14 - First commercial break and I'm pretty sure I already want to stop. So...let's compromise and say I'll do an hour. Deal? DEAL????????

7:18 - John Hodgman (my friend Scott's doppleganger in every way ever) is tonight's announcer and he's hilarious. Maybe he'll convince me to watch.

7:19 - Jim Parsons (who cares) and Sofia Vergara come out to present and do a terrible comedy routine where they make fun of her spanish accent. They present comedy series writer. Noms: 30 Rock, The Office, Glee, Modern Family. Emmy goes to Modern Family. THEY ARE CLEANING UP. I WATCH THAT SHOW. So does my dad, I find that weird, since he watches Sy-Fy on the reg and I cannot name one current sy-fy show.

7:22 - Stephen Colbert to present supporting actress in a comedy. Noms: Who cares, 2 people from modern family are nominated. One will win!

7:24 - No!!! Jane Lynch from Glee. She's funny in everything, although her other awesome TV show just got cancelled. You didn't even know it existed did you? You are the reason it was cancelled. I hate you.

7:30 - Back from commercial. Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry to present best guest actress in a comedy. Betty White will definitely win. This is a sham, she was TERRIBLE on that, I don't care if shes 83.

7:32 - YEP. NPH also won for best guest actor in a comedy.

7:33 - Best director in a comedy series. I missed the nominations. 30 Rock and Modern Family was in there with Glee. I'll guess Modern Family for everything. Nay, Glee wins.

7:35 - Modern Family pre-produced segment..with Stewie from Family Guy, 3D Modern Family, and turning the gay couple on the series straight. ON SNAP, 4th option, George Clooney as the new husband. I suppose this segment is cute, but uh...no one laughed in the audience. So lets move on.

7:37 - LL Cool J is still alive!!!? WTF. Lead actor in a comedy. 30 Rock, The Office, Larry David, Glee, Big Bang Theory, Monk. I bet Big Bang wins. I will kill myself if he does.

7:38 - Goddamit. I gotta kill myself. This show is not even a comedy. It's a bunch of "jokes" that are just rehashed from any other sitcom you've ever seen, and a live studio audience filled with monkeys that clap. He is talking about his "character development" in his acceptance speech. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. You aren't on the Wire buddy. So filled with hate right now. I have tried watching this show TWICE and can't make it through 1 episode. And I watch over 30 TV shows religiously. I HATE CBS. Rant over.

7:44 - Neil Patrick Harris burns Jimmy Fallon with a gay joke. He just got served. Best actress in a comedy series. Girl from Glee is gonna win.

7:45 - Nope, Edie Falco from Nurse Jackie? Is that even a comedy? Do people know that just because a show is on showtime or HBO, doesnt mean it's awesome? DO THEY? God, I need to burn something. Only 15 more minutes Kelson. You can do this.

7:46 - Reality TV summary, introduced by Kim Kardashian singing...ummm, wtf?

7:47 - I'm so bored by this recap, I don't even know what to say. There was a Snooki sighting..soo, that's nice.

7:49 - Will Arnett and Keri Russell (Felicity...?) to announce best reality competition program. Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Top Chef and something I missed. Top Chef wins!!! I watch that! My god. Two things here: first, this TV program is just ripping through awards, no clips of shows or actors, just reading names on a card and then immediately announcing. A blogger can't keep up. 2. Second, what is the criteria for best TV reality tv show? Seriously, the drama/tension it provides, how well it's produced, how entertaining it it is...I need criteria, and I need it now.

Alright another commercial break. Let's wrap this up. I'm gonna run through my guesses for the rest of the awards:

Best Comedy - Nurse Jackie (because it's on showtime, and is in no way funny, so that must make it deep).

Best Drama - Dexter (because it's on showtime, and Michael C. Hall just got over cancer.)

Best Made for TV Movie - Temple Grandin (the only one I saw and frankly Claire Danes was mesmerizing in the last 13 minutes of it).

Lead Actor in a Drama - (Michael C. Hall, see above).

Lead Actress in a Drama - Kyra Sedgewick from The Closer. I don't know why, because TNT plays the ads as regular programming?

Best supporting Actor in a Drama - If this isn't Michael Emerson from Lost, I'll kill myself AGAIN. I love his beady eyes.

Check back tomorrow with results!

The Time I Hung Out With Adam Carolla

2010-08-27T17:35:00.005-04:00

Living in a city has accomplished one thing that living in a rural part of the country never could, going to events that Twitter makes you aware of. Earlier in the day, the famous Adam Carolla tweeted that he would be doing standup at the opening of the "Craftsman Store" in downtown Chicago. In addition to this knowledge bomb, he also tweeted that it was free, with free food and drinks. You can guess which of these things made a poor guy like me trek down to a hardware store. Craftsman.

So, I sent out some feelers to friends (one didnt know who Adam Carolla was), and got nothing at all, but decided I could probably handle this on my own. So I hit the train and headed downtown. When I got to the store, there were "brand ambassadors" (a term widely used in a previous life of mine) on Segways, handing out fliers and I got giddy. I got in and the store was massive and beautiful, I'm quite positive that a real man, who actually knew how to use tools would be incredibly impressed. Inside, there were stations upon stations of tools and mowers and steel plated steel. A true man's man type store. However, the marketing team behind this event decided to go a different direction with food and service. When I entered, I had to sign in using one of them upscale iPads and I was given two tickets, which I assumed were for the comedy show.

I saw the stage right in front of me and to each side a bar for food and alcohol, I didnt want to spend money (or be embarrassed if I assumed the drinks were free and they werent). But, around me caterers dressed up like they were at a formal were serving things like Sushi and some sort of cheese crumble wrapped in cardboard. (It legitimately looked like a cupcake wrapper, but you had to eat it). In preparation for the night, I had thrown on one of my plaid long sleeve shirts, rolled up, with a pair of blue jeans with a rip in the knee, and I made sure not to wear my heart skull shoes. I was bound to fit in!

Wrong. In addition to the servers, at least 60% of the crowd was dressed in suits (Craftsman corporate) and I realized this was really for them, not us rough and tumble folk. I proceeded to wait near the stage for the standup to begin and it started within 5 minutes. Let me begin by saying getting to see a B/C list celebrity in a room with less than 100 people is pretty cool and surreal. I saw those huge eyebrows miles before he even hit the stage and I got excited.

His act was short and pretty funny (this was only my second comedy show ever) and it was laced with tons of product placement, but who cares, Craftsman got they wanted (people out to the store and talking about the event, like in this blog, so technically I'm schilling too.) After his set, I decided to look around and try out some of the tools. Below is my night in pictures.

This is the sanding station. I legit dont know how to use one, so I took a picture of someone else doing it. I tried it after and almost cut my hand off.

Such presence.

The old corporate lady spokesperson. She wasn't sure what twitter was.

Lawn mower, mowing artificial turf, naturally.

A look at the fancy TVs and rigging around the store.

SO CLOSE! I could almost literally touch him.

I didn't realize that the tickets I was given as I entered were drink tickets until it was almost time to leave. I chugged this. Does this count as drinking alone?

Some sort of Jack challenge, my arm muscles atrophied at the site of this challenge.

Ugly electric cars that apparently someone at Craftsman drives to work.

Grout cutter! I tried this too, and got mostly tile.

The Time I Went to the Record Store

2010-08-26T12:54:00.002-04:00

So yesterday, trying to fool myself into thinking I had anything to do, I went to the record store about 20 minutes from my apartment to try to sell some records (and then buy some food with that money). I woke up, with a hankering for Whole Foods cookies which seemed like the perfect solution to my hungry/poverty needs. A whole case of delicious cookies for only $4, I was sure I could eat these cookies as lunch AND dinner and only spend $4. I'm nothing, if i'm not savvy.

So, I woke up bright and early (around 10:30) and checked the Reckless Records website to gauge their CD buying policy. They claim to have the best prices and take almost anything music related. Unfortunately for me, I left most of my 1,000 CD collection in storage in NC, but I did have about 5 cds I could sell here, and a ton of crappy music DVDs. I felt that this was at least worth $20 (or 5 packs of cookies.)

After making the journey down (and taking advantage of the shady side of the street) I plopped the discs on the counter. The lovely man then told me "I'd need to take those out of the bag," AS I was reaching my hand into the bag to take them out. Very courteous.

He told me to look around the store, because this would take a few minutes. Literally 30 seconds later he handed me back all of the DVDs, and told me he would get me $5 for the 5 CDS (3 of which were unopened and 1 of which I had bought BRAND NEW FROM THIS SAME STORE 4 days before). But $5 meant 1 pack of cookies, so I took the deal and ate like a king yesterday.

The Time I Drank for the Second Time

2010-08-24T16:12:00.004-04:00

So, this story dates back nearly 2 weeks now, but after some gentle prodding, I decided to write about it (although there isn't much to tell). If you are an avid reader, you will recall the night before my birthday and people wanting to do Irish Car Bombs with me, but me being scared to drive under any sort of alcoholic influence.

Well, a few days later, the Irish Car Bombs were tried. A group of us got together at a delightful little establishment called Zupco's (if you are thinking Polish, you wouldnt be in correct). After spending a nice evening with Derril driving around New Brunswick, eating dinner with Charlie, and getting terrible service at IHOP (from someone who wasnt even wearing a nametag, so I'm not positive she actually worked there), we went to this "bar" in Dunellen, New Jersey.

If you are unfamiliar with Dunellen, New Jersey, please reference an old blog post about Manville, NJ. It's the same place. Anyway, Zupco's was unlike any other bar I had been to, it had low ceilings that seemed to leak asbestos, a weird "front only" seating arrangement, and I may be remembering incorrectly, but I feel like they had picnic table cloths on the tables. In short, it looked like some sort of pool hall, just a sad place in general. (The one bright spot was a HUGE LED sign, letting you know what beers were on tap. To call this an eyesore is an understatement).

So, Derril decides I need to try a black russian (vodka and kahlua) after some of my other poor alcohol choices and he buys me this delicious concoction. After spending, no joke, 12 minutes at the bar waiting to order, Derril discovers the bartender doesnt know how to make a black russian, makes them re-make drinks, and then we end up with a vanilla vodka. I could care less, Derril is unsatisfied. I try it and I like it, a very sweet coffee like flavor with a nice kick. It's very apparent why there are a lot of drunk Russian authors.

I sip the drink for over 30 minutes, as I was told this is alot stronger than other things I've had and I decide that I am done for the evening. However, Irish Car Bomb girl was back and hanging out with us and I made the mistake of bringing it up again (insisting that she buy me the drink). And she did. And by this point I was certainly feeling the Black Russian. She goes and waits by the bar for 3-5 minutes (not quite positive on this) and at some point, another of our friends, goes up AFTER her, and returns with a drink BEFORE her. She looks at me and I(apparently being hammered after one drink) almost say, "It's because you're not pretty enough."

Luckily, Derril stopped me before I finished the statement (she was definitely pretty enough, as you'll read on) and she quickly returned to the table with one Irish Car Bomb in hand. I demanded she drink with me and she said, "I am, but I only have 2 arms." To which I drunkenly slurred, "I wish you were an octopus." (Which, I immediately thought was hilarious.)

I drank the Irish Car Bomb (poorly) the shot of Bailey's didnt flip correctly, so I ended up drinking it afterwards, but I chugged the rest and everyone was very proud. So back to ICB girl, I had shown interest in her from a few nights before, become entranced with her backyard volleyball playing, and hoped for the best on this night (she DID buy me a drink after all). My friends offered help, telling her she could crash on the couch with me, to which she accepted (we agreed upon cuddling the shit out of each other. There were even high fives.)

Awhile later, we all decided to go to another bar, apparently she was fine to drive, but I wasnt getting into a car with her, so we headed to Manville. Derril and I somehow managed to beat everyone there by 15 minutes and I decided a sub from Quikcheck was immediately necessary (an apparent theme of my drunkenness). Once we got to that bar, last call was already happening, we (the entire group of people) stuck around for 15 minutes, watched some people drink and then headed to Derril's house. This was it.

Yet, she walked towards her car, saying her goodbyes, and deciding to go home (somehow miraculously sobering up after having a drink at the second bar). Her car wouldnt start, so Derril and I, using most of our brute strength, jiggled some wires and got the car going. We were heroes, there were hugs and goodbyes and that was it. I had only had 2 drinks all night, and I made sure to wait more than 2 hours before driving back to my place, since crashing alone on the couch just didnt seem right.

The Time I Moved to A City (Part 2)

2010-08-23T17:17:00.002-04:00

I learn new things everyday here in Chicago. I fall in love with a girl on the train or in passing outside the Whole Foods (actually most of the time it's in Whole Foods. I should just hang out there in search of indie rock girls.) Today, I took far enough that I actually smiled at the girl on the train (she coyly smiled back, I was in). I told myself "if she gets off at your stop, you talk to her." She got off at my stop and walked towards my apartment and I let her get away, the mother of my children.

Today, I also learned that the bus system doesnt use the same card as the train system and thus, I had to walk an extra 1.8 miles to take a piss test today. Halfway through walking I found a guitar pick IN my sock (which was a relief, because I had felt it for awhile and assumed that parts of my foot were just falling off). Immediately following that, I was accosted by a homeless man, who even though I had headphones in and was looking at my phone map (yes, I was lost) tried to come up to me and beg me for money. The joys of a city!

If you were wondering about the whole piss test thing, I had an interview at a boat tour company (Vince Vaughn style) where I'll be a deckhand (aka deck swabbing/people greeting/making sure children dont die). Apparently the only requirement (other than my boyish good looks) was that I take a drug test. No problem. Except out of the list of testing center possibilities, not one was within 30 minutes of my apartment. So now, I have spent an entire day out in Chicago, traversed 4 different trains, 2 miles on foot, lunch with a friend, and picked up my DePaul student ID (in which I look like the odd combination of a fat coke addict!).

The Time I Looked for Work

2010-08-20T14:28:00.002-04:00

Today is Friday and that means I have now been living in Chicago for 5 days. On the third day I was completely done settling in. I had built all my new furniture and cleaned my entire prison cell (room). This was great, except that I only know 2 people and we have been constantly together for the past week. So now, I'm kind of in a city where I don't know anyone and I don't have a job and school doesnt start for another 3 weeks.

On top of that, I haven't been employed since the end of July. Meaning I'm not even in the vacation period of being unemployed, I'm just bored and watching the entire 3rd season of 30 rock yesterday didn't make it feel better. So now, I'm looking for jobs. Would I be a good receptionist? No, of course not, but I feel like i could have a friendly disposition.

Would I be willing to travel 30 minutes to go be an IT guy at a company outside of Chicago? Normally, no, but when compared to a day watching ESPN updated Brett Favre's eating activities, I say yes. So here I sit, applying to almost every job on Craigslist within reason (I'm skipping the babysitting and dog walking ads, mostly because I think there is some prejudice about what types of people fit those jobs, and I do not fit into that prejudice - I'm not an attractive 19 year coed, unfortunately.)

I was accepted to work study at DePaul, but unfortunately they don't assign you to jobs. You still have to apply, so I did that today, until I realized that all of the jobs were for 2008. Fearing that my school no longer existed, I checked my email about Work study, found an email about a seminar for new students looking for on campus work this fall, and RSVP'd. Within minutes I received an email telling me this session was mainly for new undergrads, although I was still welcome to come (you know, if I wanted to stick out like a sore thumb/hit on 18 year olds.)

I applied for a job at Target (a mile walk from my apartment) and spent over an hour filling out their questionnaire. I get very anxious when I fill these out however, because obviously Target wants to hear you are a hard worker that wont steal, but I feel like the questionnaires are designed to filter out the top and bottom of people. For instance, I'm smart enough that I know what the correct answer should be on every single question. YES, I STRONGLY AGREE THAT ALL PEOPLE ARE HONEST. But, maybe Target knows that if you answer every single question "correctly" you are obviously too smart to work at Target, or at least smart enough to lie about what the right answers are, so it's obvious you dont actually believe what you are saying.

So I tried to incorporate some dumb answers in. How often are you late to work? Once in awhile (instead of never, because no one is ever NOT late to work. Target knows this. Target will destroy you.)

My new roommate said he might be able to get me a job on a tour boat as a bartender, I have been drinking for less than 2 weeks and know approximately 3 drinks. This will not work out well.

The Time I Moved to A City

2010-08-19T13:00:00.000-04:00

I now live in a city. Which is crazy, it still has not hit me that I have to walk everywhere and if something is "1 mile" away, it means I'm going to have to walk 2 miles and endure a intense amount of thigh chaffing. These are things I'm slowly learning about city life.

Other fun things:

There is nothing cheaper than $2 at the grocery store. (Also, buying drinks at the grocery store is almost entirely out of the question, as I live .6 miles from the grocery store and walking 11 minutes with a 12 pack of Mountain Dew Voltage in my hand would make my arm fall off.)

Chicago apartments and houses all have a series of mazes behind the apartment that lead to weird deck/staircases and alley ways. It looks bizarre.

Parking is non existent.

I am supremely excited for Primetime TV to start at 7 pm and not 8 pm (although I still am confused as to why sportscenter starts at 10 and not 11.

My feet get extremely dirty from walking, if I showed you the bottom of my feet right now, you would swear I grew up in a desert on another continent.

Air conditioning window units are commodities and I don't know how to use them.

And finally, 88%% of Chicago speaks Polish.

I will update you on things I've learned from "the big city."

The Time I Went to Indiana University

2010-08-17T18:23:00.000-04:00

After a 6 hour drive alone, in a van that had little to know visibility (due to our lives being packed away), with no AC and only one working window, I was about ready to pass out and eat (in whichever order the universe decided.) We all decided to eat and our host knew a "great place" just down the street. I was starving and ready to go, however the universe had other plans. Here are my tweets (@ummmwtfblog) from that night. I will admit that I was beyond cranky at this point.

Waiting to be seated at a "restaurant" (bar). 25 minute wait better mean best goddamn food ever. Ummm WTF?7:05 PM Aug 15th via Echofon
Unless it's a high tier restaurant why would anyone EVER wait for a table. You left the house expecting to eat food relatively soon.7:06 PM Aug 15th via Echofon
And the prices!! So reasonable !!! http://tweetphoto.com/392549407:13 PM Aug 15th via Echof

There is no air conditioning in here either. I just drove 6 hours in a car with no ac7:14 PM Aug 15th via Echofon
Food ordered approximately 5 minutes ago. I bet it takes more than 30 minutes to get here7:24 PM Aug 15th via Echofon
Food took 25 minutes. Was quite spicy. I may be having a hot flash8:10 PM Aug 15th via Echofon
About to walk around Indiana university campus in the heat ( no av)8:10 PM Aug 15th via Echofon
Correction ac. I'm definitely in menopause mode8:11 PM Aug 15th via Echofon

The food did turn out to be quite good and spicy enough to clean out all of my organs. Some additional benefits of the restaurant:

An abundance of mullets.

A waitress with Avenge Sevenfold Tattoos.

A man with the longest dreadlocks of all time.

The Time I Got My Haircut (Part 3)

2010-08-16T22:36:00.003-04:00

I know it's a bit dark, but i think you can see the cut of the hair, and yes, it DOES look longer on one side. (Not pictured: Half shaved side burn).

The Time I Got My Haircut (Part 2)

2010-08-14T20:46:00.001-04:00

She starts the shampoo routine and seems competent, until the cutting begins. She has trouble gripping the hair and starts cutting off about 1/8^th of 1/8^th of an inch at the time. Amounts so incrementally small that I’m not even sure she was cutting hair. At the 20 minute mark, Buffy nicks herself with the hair razor and has to stop the cut to tend to the open wound on her finger. ( My immediate reaction was not for her safety, but if there was now blood in my hair. That shit does not come out.)

She returns, and now my hair is drying out, but instead of re-spritzing with water, she just keeps cutting dry hair (a no-no). At the 40 minute mark she switches to shears and starts butchering the side of my head with the tips. At one point, I swore that she cut through my skin like it was plastic wrap on Perdue chicken. She takes too much of a sideburn off, cuts the hair unevenly on each side and then considers the work done.

She calls over her supervisor again, who tells her that she missed a bunch of spots and needs to “connect” all the sides and top, after re-wetting my hair. Buffy does not re-wet my hair, instead opting to cut dry. 2 minutes later the supervisor sees that she has not re-wet my hair and scolds her (as I sit her thanking the stars that the supervisor recognized her error). Buffy openly scoffs at having to be told to do something twice and complains to me that she doesn’t get along with the supervisor. I silently plead for her not to take it out on me.

At last, at the 1 hour and 15 minute mark, she finishes, calls over the supervisor, who cleans up some spots and asks me if I’m happy. I say yes, just so I can leave. Buffy walks me to the front counter, where I go to pay (hoping for somewhere between the $10-15 range. The final total: $27. TWENTY SEVEN, which is $2 MORE than I pay for a real haircut from the professional.

I’m not sure why I included a $5 tip on something that was terribly done, but I suppose I felt bad for Buffy (who by the way, looked suspiciously like a post botox Janice Dickinson). But the fact that I gave her written down instructions (there were only 3 steps) and she still battered my head like a red headed stepchild, means that I’m obviously a sap. The lesson here is that you should never ever participate in hair experimentation.

The Time I Got My Haircut (Part 1)

2010-08-14T20:43:00.002-04:00

For over 2 years now I have been getting my haircut by one person. I do this for 2 reasons, the first (like anyone else) is because she great work. The second is because one of my greater anxieties in life is trying to explain to the stylist what I want my hair to look like. So when you go to the same person for over 2 years they have a pretty good idea of what exactly you need. We got the process down to a science, and made each appointment less than 30 minutes (depending on if I get a mini facial, of course).

But this had to come to an end, I am moving to Chicago and I needed to grow up, so to speak. Luckily my stylist works for the Aveda branch of salons and theoretically, they all learn the same techniques and can use them. I asked my stylist to tell me exactly what to say (which it turns out, is an incredibly complicated, almost medical sounding system using words like occipital and paretial). Anxieties quelled.

So today I made an appointment at the Aveda Institute (where my stylist TEACHES!), but where students practice cutting hair. I entered to what seemed more like a laboratory than a salon and was quickly confused as there were two front desks (one near the door and one in the middle of the room). I choose the one near the door, and they looked puzzled as to why I was checking in there. So I was sent to the other. As this was happening, a friend of friend saw me, yelled for me to come over and basically confused me to the point of retardation.

I finally recognized her, said hello and went to check in. I sign a form that says (essentially) “THESE ARE STUDENTS, IF WE DESTROY YOUR HAIRCUT, WE ARENT TO BLAME.” I signed, thinking at least this is cheaper and I have instructions, how bad can it be. I was told to wait by the benches (which were hidden). After finally finding the benches, my new stylist (we’ll call her Buffy) came and got me and shook my hand with what seemed to be a limp (possibly artificial) limb. Weakest handshake ever.

She asks what I need and I tell her about my instructions and she immediately cringes and calls a supervisor. The supervisor comes over, looks at the instructions and tells her “you know how to do this.” Buffy’s face says otherwise.

The Time I Had My First Drink (Part 2)

2010-08-14T20:39:00.002-04:00

We headed back to my friend’s luxurious studio apartment on the 15^th floor of a high rise in Philadelphia. Which was fun, because I’m deathly afraid of getting stuck in a metal elevator (Sidebar: not a clear one, just the metal deathtraps, where you can’t see where you are in an emergency, and which will surely mean you will die in an enclosed metal coffin.)

With a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice’s in hand, I was excited to use a bottle opener for the first time in my life. No dice. Twist off cap, but at least I was able to show off my brute strength as I used the bottom of my t-shirt to rough up the bottle cap. I immediately took a swig and everyone was right. This was Sprite. Delicious, alcoholic Sprite. I’m pretty sure I went through Smirnoff Ice 1 in less than 10 minutes, followed by number 2 in another 30. I was starting to feel buzzed, but I didn’t want to get drunk, so I stopped.

Within the hour I felt an insatiable urge to eat meat in hamburger form (another contributing factor could be that we were watching Top Chef) and asked my friend for the closest fast food restaurant. It was 3 blocks away, but she wasn’t sure if it was open, so I called them and they were. We made our way down there, me not being able to walk as accurately as I would have liked to. When we got there, the Wendy’s looked akin to any fast food restaurant in any city. Workers who don’t care, long lines and scary people. I ordered a burger and chicken nuggets (5 pc) and walked away with a burger and chicken nuggets (4 pc). I was quite angered by this. This is probably how Wendy’s makes their money, shorting drunk folks on 1 nugget per order.

We got back to her apartment, ate our food, watched Season 1 Episode 1 of Party Down and then fell asleep. I woke up at 6 AM, so I could save $3 by leaving the Parking deck by 7 am. After paying $16 to be parked for 8 hours, I headed home to NJ, accidentally woke the parents up and told them I had had my first drink, so that they would be the first to know.

The Time I Had My First Drink

2010-08-12T09:45:00.002-04:00

Many people will be surprised to read that I had my first drink. After years and years of being stubborn and obnoxious about the people around me drinking, I finally shut up and tried alcohol for the first time. The first taste was absolutely disgusting, it tasted somewhere in between the inside of a metal garbage can on the city street and berries. Wine was not for me.

But let's back track a bit. I had been thinking about drinking for months upon months now, I felt that since I was moving to Chicago, it might help to be more social, and since the only reason I WASNT drinking these days was because I hadn't done it in the past, why not at least take a shot. So a week ago, while hanging out with an old friend, I sipped this garbage can wine.

The next day, another friend (of the ex variety) wanted to have my first full drink with me (at the 3 in the afternoon). I felt since I had imbibed just a sip of alcohol, I had gotten over the no alcohol bridge and was ready to go. So we tried "something I might enjoy", a Woodchuck Amber Cider. It was definitely the closest thing to urine I've ever tasted (without ever really tasting urine.) It was absolutely awful, but I got the whole thing down by myself! I had to meet a friend for dinner, so I stopped at one, and made sure there was an hour on the clock before I had to do anything. Extremely overly cautious wouldn't even be strong enough to describe how I felt about drinking. Would there be anything worse than getting a DUI in the middle of the day, the first time you ever drink? (Other than watching "Teen Mom," of course).

Later that night, I was in Philadelphia with another friend (I was on a friend tour) and we decided to go to a bar (my first drink at a bar!). I had what she had, a Sam Adams summer ale, and it was also terrible. I knew I wouldn't enjoy something cheap like Miller Lite or PBR, but I had seen commercials for Sam Adams that included words like "rich" and "lager" and showed manual laborers in Boston really enjoying it. They are all liars. Beer is gross.

We decided to not waste any more money on things I would not enjoy and she thought I would enjoy Smirnoff Ice. So we waited in line, bought a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice and headed back to her studio apartment to party.

Part 2 tomorrow.

The Time I Got Some Luggage

2010-08-11T08:33:00.004-04:00

Before I even started my massive road trip my long time "suitcase" broke. The suitcase was finely made AthletiTEK, a genuine plastic duffel bag. The zipper came right off and would not go back on and thus the bag had to be put down (I briefly considered using duct tape to seal it off, but decided that airport security might tase me before I even got through the line.)

So I set off to purchase some new luggage, my mother gave me a coupon to Kohl's, but first suggested that we just ship all of my clothes to Chicago because it would be cheaper than buying luggage. I laughed at this, overzealous about my new found coupons and I was sure I could find some luggage for $40.

Apparently in the luggage world, $40 gets you a glorified plastic bag. In fact, the cheapest luggage the store had was $169, and couldn't even fit a small infant inside. After a solid 20 minutes of searching, I decided that TJ Maxx/Marshalls type stores were the way to go. Perhaps, I could get me some luggage that was so ugly real stores couldnt sell it.

Enter, Jessica Simpson.

Apparently Ms. Simpson has forgone any sort of music career to concentrate on the posh world of luggage making. I have to say, she makes some solid luggage with all sorts of compartments. The bag was the cheapest ($50), it was HUGE, and it had separate bags in bags for laundry (the one with the bikini on it) and shoes (the one with the shoes). Hidden compartments galore! (I assume Jessica added this to hide candy from her overbearing father).

The bag seems like the perfect fit for romance novel level needy women. I instantly thought "Red Shoe Diaries." And I had to have it. I'm so proud of it being a Jessica Simpson brand bag, I may not even take off the tags. I might get dressed up to go to the airport, like they did in the 60's, so that I catch people's eye, and then they bear witness to the greatness that is my bag.

Thank you Jessica, for meeting all of my travel needs.

The Time I Had the Worst Roommate Ever (Part 4)

2010-08-10T08:12:00.005-04:00

Some of the pictures from the wreckage of having the worst roommate ever:

The infamous Peanut Butter Sandwich making station. With extra syrup for easier access to diabetes.

More dishes in the sink and an empty paper towel roll!

Dishes in the sink? Check. Dishes on the counter? Check. And in the right corner, those are plastic tupperware containers with food still in it. Mmmmmmmmm.

Who says you need a garbage can to throw away cookie dough wrappers?

The Time I Had A Quarterlife Crisis.

2010-08-09T02:16:00.005-04:00

Currently, I am in the midst of what may or may not be a quarter life crisis. Today marks my 25th birthday (I count this as quarter life because I assume I will live to 100 with medical advancements, though I still don't have health care so the point is moot.) My 25th birthday started with promise, I was in the midst of friends
some urging me to drink Irish Car Bombs and there was an attractive single girl to be wooed. This was certainly better than the last 24, there were people here to verbally and physically wish me a happy birthday. Hugs, high fives, handshakes, it was all so glorious! But as I type this I'm sitting on my parents front porch locked out of my own car.

Let's rehash why this quarter life crisis is happening:

1) I had my first alcoholic beverage two days ago. After 10 years of being "straight edge" I decided that with moving to a new city, I should try to switch things up. I certainly wasn't happy with the social aspect of my previous life, so why not try something that I was only intentionally NOT doing out of sheer stubbornness. No one but me cares that I was straight edge. (Although I'm sure some punk kid somewhere would slice my throat if he read this.)

2) I am moving halfway across the country to a city I've visited for a combined total of 67 hours. If that isnt a sign of quarter life crisis, I don't know what is. Yes, I'm very excited for the move and to live in an actual city with people who dont religiously watch a car circle around a track for 5 hours, but let's just keep playing this game.

3) I am currently living at my parents house (only for 4 days, but still, as a 25 year old I'm currently sleeping in a room that has baseball wallpaper and teddy bears on the bed. Yikes.)

4) I have been single for more than a year now and at the tender age of 25, with seemingly all of my facebook friends engaged or married, I have basically concluded that I will die a lonely cat lady.

I turned down the Irish Car Bomb (wisely) and headed back home but stopped by 7-11 for a Mountain Dew Voltage. I decided "heck it's 1 am on your birthday, get a lottery ticket. So I asked for a $1 scratch off. The clerk gave me a wedding bell scratch off
and as I sat alone in my car in the completely deserted 7-11 parking lot at 1 AM on my birthday, I used a quarter to claw at faux wedding bells with as much anger (or sadness) than anyone who had preceeded me in scratching. I lost (of course) and returned to my parents house, where I promptly locked my keys in my car and waited outside for AAA to come unlock me.

The good news is that it's now 2 AM and I'm pretty sure the birthday can only go up from here.

The Time I Had the Worst Roommate Ever (Part 3)

2010-08-08T08:43:00.004-04:00

This summer, I moved into a 3 month sublet in a UNC-Greensboro apartment. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to sign a long lease and would be soon moving to Chicago, so I took what I could get. Roommate 10 seemed nice at first and the girl who I was subletting from was super attractive (enough so that I probably would've dabbled in heroine for her.)

Roommate 10 was also cool enough to allow a 24 year old guy to live with her (as a 19 year old) and she knew I was in a band, and was cool with other bands full of 20 something guys who hadnt showered in weeks to stay on our floor. I thought this might be ok. (Helpful Hint: I was able to live in college housing by showing the apartment complex an application for grad school. So if you ever want to live with teenagers again, all you have to do is pretend to apply to graduate schools!)

The day I moved in, I noticed a strong hint of smoke coming from 10's room. I assumed it to be the marijuana that kids are all raving about these days, and I quickly shut all the vents in my room so that I wouldn't get contact high (it was travelling by way of the air conditioning). Days later I would find out that it wasn't just weed seeping through the vents, it was cigarettes. 10 was smoking cigarettes in her room, apparently she thought her room was Coyote Ugly.

Other fun facts I soon found out about my roommate:

She had everything pierced (EVERYthing)including her sternum. (Fun follow up on this: she didn't even want the piercing, some random piercer called her one morning and asked her to get it and she said yes. They sink the stud under neath the bone and apparently it requires surgery to remove. I feel like maybe that's not a spontaneous decision to make, but I'm prude like that.)

She was a lesbian.
She had a raspy voice, like that of a 74 year old jewish woman who had chain smoked cigarettes non stop for the last 74 years .
She had an alarm set for 2:15 PM. everyday.
She allegedly loved all other drugs other than heroine and meth. She wasn't hardcore enough for those.
She would routinely lose her key and then ask me to leave the door unlocked because She couldnt find her keys for days at a time.
She would do laundry and then use the dryer as her closet, only take out which article of clothing she wanted to wear that day.
Her bathroom broke in the first week that I was there, she asked if she could use mine that night, and said she would get hers fixed tomorrow. Tomorrow never came and she (and all of her friends) used my bathroom for the next 3 months.
She (and all of her friends) would routinely use all of my toilet paper and never replace it.
In the 3 months I lived there, she never once bought any cleaning supplies (paper towels, soap, toilet paper).
She really really loved True Blood. (So much that she had a poster collage of pictures cut out from magazines and glued to poster board. No, she was not in 8th grade).
I once had to go into the dungeon that was her room to turn off her alarm when she was out of town and I felt like vomitting. She ashed her cigarettes on tables or the carpet, her windows were blacked out and the stench of stale nicotine was intoxicating.
She rarely bought food for herself, but there seemed to be at least 4 separate bags of mozzarella cheese in our fridge at all times.
She would often eat just peanut butter sandwiches and had a sandwich making station in the kitchen to prove it. (The station included a jar of peanut butter, bread, a plate, and the same knife, for easy access).
I had about 15 drinking glasses when I moved in, when I went to pack my stuff up, I had 3.

Above everything else, my roommate was disgusting in the kitchen. In 3 months she probably cleaned 3 times. (Once when her parents were coming, because they still believed her to be a nice, clean, straight young lady). For weeks plates and dishes would stack up in the sink. Food would cake on the oven surface, wrappers would be left on the floor (she would get so high and decided to make cookies at 2 AM, then leave gobs of cookie dough in the middle of the floor. (The cookie dough resided there for 3 days, before she apologized and said she forgot to clean).

Towards the latter part of my stay, I would have friends come over and tell me that my kitchen might be the most disgusting thing they have ever seen and didn't understand how I lived there. I paid my roommate back a bit, by leaving all my food for her to deal with!

So for all the reasons listed above, that is why 10 is the worst roommate ever. Kitchen pictures coming tomorrow.

The Time I Had the Worst Roommate Ever (Part 2)

2010-08-06T09:42:00.003-04:00

I found Roommate 9 on Craig's List (which most likely should've been my first clue about the awfulness to come). Roommate 9 went to college with me, but we only knew each other through mutual friends. He came over to look at the place and was nice enough, but I was wary after he left because he talked and talked and wouldn't leave for over an hour. Hidden in our dialog were precious nuggets of knowledge like "he genuinely liked American Idol (as a 23 year old straight male) and he really loved to do karaoke and hoped, that since I played guitar, we could "get together." He also had quite a crush on a certain professional athlete that refuses to retire every summer, and since I despise this athlete, things could get shaky around the house.

Regardless, I needed a roommate and he had a check that day! So he was in. My next clue about his awfulness was when he moved in he told me he had a couch, but it mysteriously broke the day before he was supposed to move in. He didn't have any of his own dishes or silverware, and had about 5 plastic cups (I don't mind sharing, until I realize that he doesn't do his own dishes, which sort of seems like a slap in the face since they are my dishes, that he is eating off of, and then I have to clean them. I AM NOT A DENNY'S.)

Even worse, on the day of his arrival, he asked if it would be alright to hang some posters in the common area. These posters included a "Wedding Crashers rules of crashing" posting and the completely stereotypical college poster where John Belushi squeezes into a shirt that says "college." How unique! I decided to put my foot down and let him know we werent in college anymore, if he wanted to hang posters, he had his room. I prefer bare walls anyway.

Later on, I would find out that not only did he not know how to wash dishes, but he didnt know how to use a dishwasher! Often, I would open up the washer after a clean load, and find cups stacked face up, so that they were filled with water afterwards. Faaaaaaantastic. And to complete the non cleaning trio, I figured out that in the 9 months he lived with me, he emptied the dishwasher a total of: 1 time. 1 time in 9 months!!!!! I figured this out one day when I realized that all of my utensils were put back all helter skelter. Big spoons with the little spoons, forks upside down and sharp knives with the cutting edge straight up (safety first).

There were a plethora of other things that I grew to hate about him as the months wore on: he couldn't program his own tv, or work the remote on mine, he drank southpaw beer like a champ (disgusting), he left said beer cans in my recycling bucket without ever taking out the recycling bucket making the entire apartment reek like the back alley of a bar, he ate mostly oven baked pizza (and not even Digiorno, which is by far the best), he had a girlfriend who was way too pretty for his face that was marred by acne, he had the weirdest haircut ever, like when you shave your head and let it grow out without ever getting it trimmed. So all the hair is equally long and it just sticks straight out and cowlicks like a 50's sitcom child star. He would have 3 or 4 male friends over a few times a week, but they'd only hang out in his room and pound a case of southpaw in one night (his room was very small, cramming that many guys into one room might have caused accidental penetration).

Which brings me to two of the biggest points: There were 3 separate occasions where my roommate locked me out of the apartment (yes, I had a key, but he decided that he needed to chain our door, because we lived in a dangerous neighborhood, across from a best buy and a target! Yikes!). Two of the occasions I had just gotten back from a long tour with the band, so it was about 3 o'clock in the morning. The first time, I pounded on the door, screamed loud enough for the neighbors to come outside, and he finally opened it and muttered sorry.

The second time he was much quicker about it, but it still happened, and I warned him never to do it again, it was MY apartment. So the third time it happened I was none to pleased, and luckily it was the most interesting time. First, I get home with a bag of clothes, a blanket, a pillow, a guitar amp, a guitar and a pedalboard and after making two trips up 3 flights of stairs, bed at 2 am sounded sweet. I go to open the door, but it is chained, I bang, I call his number, and nothing. Then through the crack of the door, I see his light turn on. I close the door, assuming he is coming and then 20 seconds later, he still hasnt unlocked it. I re-open the door and now the light in his room is off. I bang and bang again and finally someone comes to open the door. It is not my roommate, it is one of his shirtless friends and when he opens the door he gives me a look that says "Can I help you?" (as if I don't live there.) I push past him, in a huff (of course), and then another friend comes out and mutters a meek apology about how they didn't mean to lock the door (I hate when I accidentally walk to the front door and slide metal into metal, happens wayyyyyy too often).

My roommate was obviously told about this, and apologized to me, because he was sleeping and wasn't there to make sure it was unlocked. I did not accept. Things came to head with the worst roommate ever after I told him the lease was up at the end of April (I extended this 9 days, just to make moving easier, and I paid all of the extra cost in doing so). So when i asked for the April rent, and he decided he was only paying half (because he was moving out on the 15th), things exploded. Apparently he was still in college mode and didn't realize how the real world works, you have to pay rent for the entire month, even if you arent living there. His reasoning was that originally the move out date was the 21st and so he wasn't going to pay the whole month (even though I told him end of April form the beginning). We had a screaming match through my door after I sent him an email explaining how the real world works and he decided he would pay up to the 21st asking "IS THAT FAIR?" It wasn't fair, but it was better than less than half, so I took it and never spoke to him again. He did not clean the apartment when he left, after promising to do so 3 weeks prior. I hope he is currently burning in hell.

I thought he was the worst roommate ever, until I lived in a sublet for 3 months. Part 3 tomorrow.

The Time I Had the Worst Roommate Ever (Part 1)

2010-08-05T18:20:00.005-04:00

I've had my share of bad roommates since roommates started existing for me (I was an only child and thus, ran around the house pretending I was the 1994 UCLA Bruins basketball team all by myself).

There was the first roommate, who, after 2 days, decided he was too wealthy to live in a dorm room, with a roommate, on the slums of campus and moved into his own apartment, where he had more than enough space to practice his short game.

The 2nd roommate, who may or may not have been Dwight from the Office. Highly anal retentive, flossing for at least 10 minutes before bed every single night, he was also an eagle scout and made sure that we were always prepared for everything (although he was never thoroughly prepared for his morning erection).

My 3rd and 4th roommates didn't actually live in the same room as I did, so it made things easier and number 3 was a crazy person, that lied to us, forgot to pay his rent one summer and thus, we moved out after 2 months.

Roommate 4 was fine, pretty quiet, funny, kept to himself, but he loved to make a mess in the kitchen and he hated (HATED) my love interest at the time.

Roommates 5 and 6 were (and still are my best friends) and living with them was pretty easy for me (barring 1 huge blow out fight with each of them at different points, one of these blowout fights was over a game of pick up football and the temperature outside. It is not something I'm proud of). Roommates 5 and 6 also probably hated me more than I hated them, because of the...veracity of some of my nightly activities with a certain new found girlfriend, but, they dont have blogs, so they cant confirm this.

Roommate 7 was one of my good friends from high school, he and I are still friends, but it just didn't work as roommates.

Roommate 8 was a friend of Roommate 6 (and after a year of living alone/with a girlfriend) needed some getting used to. Great guy, but after losing his job, he sat around the apartment all day long, doing absolutely nothing. He moved out after finding a new job 500 miles away. Which brings us to Roommate 9, the worst roommate ever.

Part 2 tomorrow.

The Time I Sold Out (Again)

2010-08-05T17:41:00.004-04:00

So, if you are visiting this blog, you may have noticed the gigantic ad perched on top of this tiny little blog. I am selling out. After realizing the numbers in my bank account look suspiciously close to the TV ratings for a lifetime movie starring some washed up actress that has been a) beaten, b) impregnated or c) hooking just to make ends meet, I have decided to ask my friends and followers to help me out financially.

In return for you doing this, I will write blogs on a daily basis. That's right, the entire month of August, there will be a new blog. So please, help me out, send this link to your friends, and most importantly visit our sponsors!

Short Stories With Tragic Endings #10

2010-06-29T15:11:00.004-04:00

I hate Travis McCoy. His new song "Billionaire," may possibly be the worst song ever written. While some might argue that it is the perfect summer song, a gentle, harmless song with easy to remember lyrics that could literally inspire anyone (3rd world countries! college students! single moms! oh my!!!) and an upstroke on the guitar so gentle that anyone weighing in at more than 100 pounds would break the guitar strings.

It's supposedly easy to listen to with the windows rolled down - but there are enough things wrong with this that I felt the need to break it down.

1) Travis McCoy is dead (apparently). In his place TraviE McCoy has risen. The only considerable difference is that Travis loves to smoke heroin and bang big breasted white ladies with big blue eyes that like to sing songs about kissing girls and liking it. TraviE only likes to sing faux inspirational songs. I prefer Travis.

2) Travis also fronted a band called the Gym Class Heroes who took on some emo success as a rap band that played instruments and actually sung about emotional issues (and had quite a famous songs name checking over 30 emo bands). They got popular, Travis dropped the mostly white backing band and here comes Travie. My question? Why couldn't this be a Gym Class Heroes song? It's not much different than what they were doing, other than some record label exec saying "Hey, maybe tone down the heroin references on this song and say "Oprah" once or twice. Ya know, to get the middle aged crowd involved."

3) The biggest reason this didn't involved the Gym Class Heroes is because Bruno Mars wrote this song, not Travie. Bruno also wrote the hook on that insufferable b.o.b. song (dont get me started). Let's just pretend that these aren't the same exact choruses for a few minutes. Have you officially sold out when you go from being in a band to having a "hitmaker" write your songs for you? (Feel free to start chanting her - o - in at anytime to get the old Travis back).

4) The words (posted below) are beyond atrocious. I'm pretty sure a 10 year old with a slight case of autism could probably come up with " I wanna be a billionaire, so friggin bad." Really, people? This CANNOT be the song of the summer. I'm halfway surprised McDonald's didnt jump on this and ask him to make the hook "I want to be a Menuaire, so mac'in bad." Kill us all.

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

[Chorus]
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire

[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
Yeah I would have a show like Oprah
I would be the host of, everyday Christmas
Give Travie a wish list
I’d probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt
And adopt a bunch of babies that ain’t never had sh-t
Give away a few Mercedes like here lady have this
And last but not least grant somebody their last wish
Its been a couple months since I’ve single so
You can call me Travie Claus minus the Ho Ho
Get it, hehe, I’d probably visit where Katrina hit
And damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did
Yeah can’t forget about me stupid
Everywhere I go Imma have my own theme music

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire
Oh oooh oh oooh for when I’m a Billionaire

[Travis "Travie" McCoy]
I’ll be playing basketball with the President
Dunking on his delegates
Then I’ll compliment him on his political etiquette
Toss a couple milli in the air just for the heck of it
But keep the fives, twentys (?) completely separate
And yeah I’ll be in a whole new tax bracket
We in recession but let me take a crack at it
I’ll probably take whatevers left and just split it up
So everybody that I love can have a couple bucks
And not a single tummy around me would know what hungry was
Eating good sleeping soundly
I know we all have a similar dream
Go in your pocket pull out your wallet
And put it in the air and sing

[Bruno Mars]
I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
[Chorus]
I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad!

Are you still alive? I'd be amazed. AMAZED if you were able to legitimately read through this and not die, or keel over laughing and then die. Please, if you are human, don't like this song, there are tons of FUN pop songs out there - Your Love is My Drug!!!! Also, don't listen to Kitty Purry's song either, that will make the devil take over the earth (or so I've heard.)

K

2010-06-29T15:11:00.001-04:00

The Time I Went to the MTV Movie Awards (LIVE!)

2010-06-06T20:59:00.010-04:00

Here we are (Kristen Stewart and I) and I'm pissed I missed the Jersey Shore season 2 preview.

9:00 - Tom Cruise opens up the awards as his hilarious character from Tropic Thunder. Was this the last time Tom Cruise will ever be funny? I say yes. His thetan levels are creeping right up, not good for comedy.

9:02 - The skit includes Taylor Lautner (boo werewolves) and Robert Pattinson (yeaaaaaa vampires!), Michael Cera's 1 character and Will Smith's corpse (dragged along by his terrible child). While we are here, may we all agree that the Karate Kid movie will probably be the biggest bust of the summer. If you pay to see that movie, you may or may not be responsible for a certain oil spill.

9:04 - Skit over, it had some funny moments, but Will Smith's kid didnt die in the end, so I wasnt satisfied.

9:05 Aziz Ansari (from Human Giant fame) is hosting and I'm pretty sure he's gonna rock it. By the way, we've already had at least 5 bleeps. (6 happened while I was typing that). Anddddddddddd 7. MTV is so f*ckin edgy.

9:06 - Aziz is playing Precious - it's funny because he is literally 1/3 of the size of that actress.

9:07 - OMFG Bieber. That is all.

Sidebar: I have like a faux Bieber fever, I obviously can't stand his all in (part emo, part hip hop, part cute kid) persona, but my god is it fun to pretend to be in love with a 15 year old boy....Wait a second...that doesn't sound right.

9:08 - Some stand up from Aziz. Not too funny. More cursing though, so I guess that makes it funny.

9:10 - Crowd shot of Robert Pattinson, he shaved the side of his head. He might be trying to steal from Morrissey and I just might have to murder him. Another shot further reveals he frosted his tips. Maybe he's playing Lance Bass in the upcoming N*Sync biopic.

9:12 - The cast of the grown-ups (whose average age is close to 45) hasn't had a combined hit in at least ...7 years? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this movie wont buck that trend. Oh shit, someone dug up Rob Schneider's corpse for this. Wonder what his family has to say about that.

9:13 - They present best female performance. Kristen Stewart (my date), Zoe Saldana (Avatar), Sanra Bullock, Amanda Seyfried. K-stew is gonna win.

9:14 - BOOM. 1/1. I always start so well. She's wearing a kind of weird dress that makes her look like a boy in drag. I'm surprised female fans vote for her, you know because they all want to either kill her and use her skin to acquire blood from Robert Pattinson.

9:15 - TI is apparently out of prison. He tells me to vote for best movie of the year. That was beyond useless.

Commercial break time. This new MTV show looks ridiculous, I feel like if this situation (a nerd gets pantsed in front of the entire school, but the school finds out he is hung like a rhino) happened in real life, the bullies in school would probably just come up with an inventive slur like "horse dick" and be on their way. No one would drool over him, he doesn't know how to use it!

9:21 - And we are back - Aziz intro's the stars of Get Him to the Greek and screws up Russell Brand's name. HOW HARD IS THIS JOB. They are presenting the award for best breakout star. Puffy tries to pull of jokes, but apparently has a hard time reading and just curses and stumbles his way through it. Curse count is at 13 now. Nominess, Zach Galifianakis, Precious, Chris Pine (from Star Trek), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air) and the guy from the Blindside....oh and a 6th? the guy from that Harry Potter rip off movie . I'm gonna guess Precious....sadly.

9:25 - Anna Kendrick wins - I just saw this movie and it was fantastic and she was awesome. Also...we were born on the same exact day in the same exact year. So we might be soulmates...not that I stalk her or anything.

9:26 - The guys from the Hangover (Ken Jeong and Ed Helms) do some interpretative dancing of their song from the Hangover. Ken Jeong is in a tiger leotard (conveniently missing ass cheeks).

9:27 - Interrupted by Tom Cruise on stage (doing his character) and this is kind of awesome. He's about to rap. I feel it. I FEEL IT.

9:28 - He dances instead, to the Ludacris song and it's pretty f*cking funny. And then Jennifer Lopez comes out? What the F is happening here, they are doing a dancing duet. This is truly a "Ummm, WTF?" moment.

9:30 - Lindsay Lohan is here. ...I'm just surprised she was able to wipe the cocaine off her nose, I thought it was permanently there.

Commercial break. My god MTV, you are actually putting on a decent show. (Although I wont forgive that Puffy segment - who incidentally walked off stage before even finishing his job. That was weird.)

9:35 - We are back - Steve Carell and Paul Rudd are here to present "scared as shit performance". Jessie Eisenberg, Allison Lohman, Katie Featherston (Paranormal Activity), the guy from District 9 and Amanda Seyfried. I'll guess the girl from Paranormal Activity....

9:36 - GD - 1/3 - Amanda Seyfried wins for Jennifer's Body (I think, although it could possibly be for that terrible chick flick movie she did with the guy that used to be a stripped. Dear John...that sounds scary ish.

9:37 - Harry Potter 7 preview. That was kind of neat, I just finished reading the book (about 2 pages a day for 4 years). So, I'm a little excited to see this film. On an unrelated note, I'm moving to wherever Brown University is to stalk Emma Watson.

9:38 - Another commercial break. While we are here I should mention the bleep count is up to around 20. I wonder if they realize it's only funny once in awhile.

9:40 - Just saw a commercial for "Cats and Dogs: The Return of Kitty Galore." Yea, that movie actually happening.

9:43 - We are back with Jessica Biel and Bradley (I'm in my 40's, but girls still think I'm hot even though I've been around the block and back) Cooper to present best kiss. MTV does a kiss cam of stars and Zac Efron looks nervous about kissing his long time GF on camera....Uhh that's questionable right?

9:44 - I missed a lot of the nominees. I'm gonna guess Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift from Valentine's Day.

9:45 - G*D Damn. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, wasn't aware that he was nominated or I OBVIOUSLY would've picked him. They go to kiss on stage and they tease everybody about kissing before not kissing at all. Also weird.

9:47 - Jason Segel and iCarly come on to present Katy Perry and Snoop, and he makes things really awkward by telling her he really enjoys her TV show. She says thanks and then he goes...NO REALLY. Just to clarify - she is like...16. He's in his mid 30's.

9:49 - Katy Perry performs her awful awful awful new song California Gurrls. Her hair is a weird color and her boobs are huge, are you surprised by any of this information? Didn't think so.

9:50 - I'm horrified that this girl was on Warped Tour just a few years ago. Now she collabs with SNOOP, yo. I've read in interviews that this is her "response" to Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind." I feel like this "battle" winner could be determined by a deaf mute who lives in the darkest corners of Antarctica.

Commercial break. I really think we need another Tom Cruise cameo to liven things up. I'm about to crash. Bleep count is at 32, in case you were wondering. Also, we haven't seen the host of this show since 9:30....

9:57 - We are back with a skit with the guys from Human Giant doing a skit thats obnoxiously close to a skit they did on Human Giant. There was no humorous parts to be found.

9:59 - Betty White (this trend has got to end. NOW. Thanks Snicker super bowl commercial. Not only are we going to have to deal with 2010 being the year of Betty White, but in 2011 everyone will get all sad when she dies, because she had such a big 2010. I cant handle that sadness. I CANT) Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansson present Sandra Bullock with the generation award. I mean...its nice and all, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with any recent tabloid news. I just think its nice that she is out in public. She's a national treasure (according to Betty White).

10:06 - There was a 5 minute clip of her movie career and then a 30 second standing ovation. Her speech is was strong, in this emotional moment, I'd to add that she was really really hot in The Proposal.

10:09 - An awkward moment between Scarlett Johanson and Sandra Bulluck (about why she was Scarlett was on stage) turns into a kiss renactment of Scarlett's husband (Ryan Reynolds) scene in The Proposal. Yeah...it was convoluted.

10:10 - The cast of Scott Pilgrim does the best "WTF" moment, an obvious reference to this blog. Ken Jeong wins, I wouldn't have guessed. I've lost my luster. Take me out back and kill me. While I'm here I should mention that I once walked past him as he was sitting on a staircase in the hotel I work at. He looked mean, I didn't talk to him.

10:13 - He accepts the award and gets really really choked up and I'm wondering why and then he starts openly crying about how his wife beat breast cancer. It was sweet that he could do that, it just came out of nowhere. And it was also a little scary, like watching someone have a nervous breakdown.

10:15 - Aziz does a rap tribute to Avatar that ends with "Fuck BP". So that's cute.

10:16 - Sam Jackson, The Rock and Eva Mendes come out to introduce best villian, while Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell hang from the rafters about them. I can't even accurately describe what a trainwreck this is. The bleep count is now well over 60 and apparently they forgot to bleep Mark Wahlberg, because fuck you, kind of maybe got out. Not many laughs during that segment which revolved around Mark Wahlberg being pissed he was stuck but since 5 people were all talking and cursing at the same time it was kind of just 1 long bleep with words like "the" and "you" tossed for pacing. Oy.

10:19 - The blond kid from Harry Potter wins while Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell interrupt. Another shit slips through. Which is funny, because thats kind of what the show has become.

Commercial break. I need to recover, like submerge myself in ice cold salt water after opening up several self inflicted wounds on my body. That segment was indescribably bad. As soon as the youtube video is posted, I will post it. WOW.

10:27 - I missed the badass award nominees but some guy named Rain won. I don't eve know what movie he was in. He spoke broken english and smacked his ass, so that's cool.

10:28 - The stars of Twilight come out to introduce a clip of the new Eclipse movie. Kristen is really letting me down, she's being overly friendly tonight, and not the somber brooding girl I'm used to. I'm about to dump her.

10:30 - That clip really didnt show anything I couldnt have guessed. Live blogging these last 30 minutes will be torture. I think I'd rather watch an episode of Two and A Half Men.

Commercial Break.

10:35 - Jessica Alba and Vanessa Hudgens come out to present leading male performance. Was anyone else aware that Jessica Alba was still alive? Good for her. Nominees: Robert Pattinson, Channing Tatum, Harry Potter, Zac Efron, Taylor Lautner. So Jacob vs Edward. I'm gonna guess Edward - since he has won everything else.

10:37 - Boo ya. So i guessed 2 right tonight. Good for me. Robert thanks Kristen, she rolls her eyes. My girl is back. YES

10:38 - McLovin comes out to introduce Christina Aguilera. Drops another bleep. Also, I should mention that they aren't even bleeping these curses, they are just cutting the audio together. I think the bleep is funnier.

10:39 - Speaking of funny, Christina Aguilera's new song is kind of terrible huh? Apparently she saw Lady Gaga get huge and decided that was the way to go. Kind of like how she copied Britney Spears in the cute, young teen stage, and then the sexy whore stage and then dropped those in favor of the "Im a serious artist" schtick. It's good to see the ole XTina back, I always felt that that Christina was slutty enough to sleep with any guy she saw randomly on the street. So guys, keep your eyes peeled!

10:42 - The performance ends with a close up shot of Xtina's Vag and the glowing heart on it...Followed by a kiss cam shot of Katy Perry and her FIANCE Russell Brand, pretending to Kiss and then her pulling away while he is confused and keeps trying to kiss her. This was not an act, he was genuinely trying to kiss her. Fun times. Only 15 more minutes. We can do this.

Commercial break.

10:48 - Zach Galifianakis in a skit with Aziz as his "swagger" coach. And it's terrible. MORE TOM CRUISE PLZ.

10:50 - Zac Efron to present best comedic performance - and he tried to make some jokes. Cute. Noms: Ben Stiller, Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock, Zach G and Bradley (straight guy in a comedy) Cooper. I vote Zach G and he wins. YESSSSSSSS. 2 in a row. I feel like a baller.

10:52 - Aziz accepts as his character from the skit and continues to not be funny.

Commercial break.

Final award is best movie of the year and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say New Moon wins. Let's hope I finish strong - 3 in a row!

10:58 - TOM CRUISE RETURNS. But as himself with Cameron Diaz to present best movie, she kinda looks like a mess, just staring blankly into the camera. Noms: Avatar, New Moon, Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, New Moon, and the Hangover. Finish strong Kelson, you can do this.

11:00 - New MOON WINS. Nice. I cant wait for my date to mumble blindly about how she hates her world. ....And she doesnt even talk, but to bring the whole thing full circle, the guy that accepts the award references the fact that there were a lot of F-bombs during the night and the proceeds to use the F-bomb every other word. I think we broke 100. We did it, it was truly an amazing night for all of us. And in case you were wondering about 10 F-bombs got through at the end, just a terrible job from the censors tonight.

And that's all folks, I will not be watching the Hard Times of RJ Berger, let's not talk about it. Ever.

The Time I Went to the MTV Movie Awards

2010-06-04T18:23:00.002-04:00

The blog will return live (I'm always returning, and never really...umm staying?) this weekend for the MTV Movie Awards live blog. I'll be going as Kristen Stewart's Date/ Justin Bieber's stalker (I'll even be wearing a scowl to match the wanna be vamp.) I hope she lets me hold her hand so I don't giggle too loudly when they show an exclusive scene from Eclipse.

Sunday Jun 6! Be here!

Picture Show 1

2010-03-10T20:20:00.006-05:00

This girl thought she was a princess. She wore a tiara. I hated her.

You can see the douchebag with the jacket/hoodie combo. I feel like he often holds elongated objects close to his mouth.

The mutual friend taking the microphone during Bon Jovi I think.

Same. I like to call him country western Jesus.

He has a beard, long lady like hair, a western shirt and pointy boots.

Look at that hair, he could be in a Loreal commercial.

Derril cozying up to his lady.

Country western Jesus avoiding a straight on picture. He's an elusive beast.

Derril is puzzled by the lack of rhythm in the rhythm section of this band.

You can kind of see the lead singer on the floor. My favorite part is the yellow hat in the corner feeding the bass player beer. Adorable.

My arch nemesis pretending to play an instrument.

This picture was probably taken while I stared longingly at HIV girl.

Finally, I caught the beast in all it's glory.

Derril smiles because he loves Ke$ha.

Taking a picture of Derril and his awful knock off iPhone.

The Time I Saw A Cover Band

2010-03-04T13:35:00.003-05:00

As stated in the story directly below, I was at a bar in the armpit of the armpit of America. The reason we were there was to see a 3rd distant cousin or something that was in the band. The band was awful, I forget the name and I'm not even going to bother to look it up because they were so bad. It would be sort of a form of promotion if I said that name here, which they do not deserve.

When we first walked into the bar they were playing "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha - interesting to note because there is so much auto tune in the original song that any cover of it will instantly sound awful (not that the original doesn't sound awful, but just imagine this song being sung by a female singer who has lost her voice at least 3 songs ago and actual instruments that dont keep time.) What made this even better was that Derril doesn't know any top 40 music, so I got to explain to him what each song was as it came on. In case you were wondering, other hits of today included a second rendition of Tik Tok 30 minutes later, some Journey, I feel like Avril Lavigne was in there, and they closed with Bon Jovi (as mandated by New Jersey law).

Note: I'm actually quite angry that I can't remember each song they played, because they played a lot of recent songs and just destroyed all of them in the worst way possible. Oh wait, they also covered Sublime, where a drunk guy took the microphone and started singing as the bass player wildly waved at the "sound guy" to cut his microphone. He did this at the expense of playing his instrument.

Let's go through the band member by member:

Female Singer - I'm not sure if she lost her voice or if she just normally speaks like she's on pace to get a voice box by age 34, probably a combination of both. She tried hard, and definitely rocked, but her voice was beyond gone and she was as attractive as you expect a 20 something singer in an awful cover band to be. She was the star of the group. BY FAR.

Grade: B-

Lead Guitarist - Looks wise he was completely non-descript, kind of like his parents made him take guitar classes forever but all he wanted to do was play video games, so he never developed a love for any one type of music. Which is why he plays in a cover band in Manville. I guess he played well enough because I could always tell what song they were playing, so ummm...hooray?

Grade: B

(Here comes the fun part)

Rhythm Guitarist - This fella alternated between guitar and keyboard (sometimes in the same song!) and looked like he was the most cliche douchebag in the world. His attire included, a sweater, with a hoodie over it, with a sport coat over the top of that. His hair was perfectly/imperfectly quaffed to the correct level of messiness and he was tall enough to stick out above the rest of the band. I wanted to break his knees with a ballpeen hammer. Performance wise he was on the level of a third grader. You haven't lived until you've heard him play Ke$ha on keyboard.

Grade: F-

Bass Player - The bass player was the most audible one in the band - constantly over singing off key into the microphone and overwhelming the lead singer. He was also the dick who shut off the drunk guy's mic and he routinely just stopped playing the bass to look cool or to sing. There were several times where Derril winced at how loud and off some bass notes were. It was that bad. He also had long stringy hair if I remember. Just picture Andrew WK.

Grade: F-

Drummer - This man was the reason for the band being awful. He just could not not not not play on time (pretty sure it's the drummer's job to be on time) and so every song went from too fast to to slow and some parts just were missing drums because he forgot, I think. It was so bad, I feel bad for making fun of him, like he literally might have a handicap where he cant count to 4.

Grade: Incomplete.

Tomorrow: A picture essay of the evening.

The Time I Almost Got HIV

2010-03-03T19:27:00.002-05:00

Manville New Jersey is a disgusting rat hole of a town. The only real thing you need to know about it is that it used to be the asbestos capital of the world. That sums it up, if you spend an inordinate amount of time in Manville you will contract mesothelioma (whatever that is, I've seen a lot of day time lawyer commercials about it though) and die.

On a recent trip home to New Jersey I was essentially forced to spend time at a bar in Manville because a friend of a friend's friend's cover band was playing at a bar that could've doubled as a port-a-potty (in both size and smell! To be fair, the town always smells like shit, so it has that going for it). The bar was filled with mostly twenty somethings and a few obvious Manville residents - you could tell from their surly disposition, obvious eastern european heritage and overall "aged" look. Let's just say this, if I ever get to a point in life where I'm 55 years old and sitting alone at a bar oogling 23 year old's and smoking Marlboro Red's with the filters cut off, kill me. In fact, pull off my fingernails first just to see if I still feel any pain, because at that point I may just be a leather mannequin.

So on to the story, in the midst of the Manville garbage was a girl who was beyong stunningly beautiful (although beautiful might not be the right adjective, more like porn star hot, but classy porn star.) Whatever it was about her, I was just kind of in awe of her all evening. She had a killer body and a back tattoo that took up over 85% of her shoulder and she just carried herself in a way that oozed sex appeal (yeah, she definitely had the porn star/hooker vibe). Let's just call her Ashley Dupree and hope she didn't sleep with any governors.

Anyway, my dear friend Derril and his girlfriend dragged me out after a long day where I was already cranky and the 3 pound Arby's roast beef sandwich sitting in my stomach didn't help matters. Upon seeing her I immediately told Derril how hot I thought she was. His response, "We think she has HIV." I didn't know whether I should be more horrified in the fact that she has HIV or that Derril frequents this bar or group of people regularly enough to know intimate details of their lives. Either way, it was like Magic Johnson all over again.

I asked why and how he knew this and he claimed that he knew of someone who slept with her and he DEFINITELY had HIV, so the chances were likely that she had it, but that he hadn't told her yet. (Before you gasp about how awful this is, remember it's Manville, and there is a chance that the asbestos remnants have formed antibodies that fight off other diseases. Also, everyone in Manville might have HIV, that's a possibility too.).

While this conversation was going on, our mutal friend was busy hitting on her HARD, even though he also knew she possibly had the HIV. We watched her dance with him and another guy simultaneously for a few songs, then push our mutual friend away as she was whisked off into the corner with the other guy, leaving our friend in a state of "holy shit, what just happened here." (But not before he got one last beg in, where he sort of forced himself between the two and tried to keep it going, it was hilarious.)

While recovering from laughing, I stared at this girl make out with the other guy, in the creepiest way possible. Alone, across the bar and in a dark corner. But I couldn't help it, Ashley Dupree was hot and to top it off she was making out in slow motion, like she knew she was being filmed for a porn. Just ridiculously long mouth movements, she slowly would trace her lips with her tongue and then bite her lips. It was bizarre that anyone would make out in such an overthought way, I realize drunk people can get sloppy, but this was the opposite. Almost like she was madly in love with the guy about to get HIV. Half porno/half depressing Nicolas Sparks movie.

My attention was snapped back into place when some girl put her drink down on the table in front of me, forgot it was there, and the sat on the table, sending her drink flying into my lap. Then the bouncer came over and looked at me like a) I spilled the drink over the fine burlap sack couch or b) I just pissed my pants. It was not good times, until I remembered that I don't live in Manville, didn't get HIV (it's not airborne, right?) and that the cover band was on their second ground of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok."

Tomorrow Part 2: The Cover Band.

My Band

2010-02-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

<a href="http://itsjustvanity.bandcamp.com/album/the-strangers-ep">I'm Really Concerned About Dying in the Fire by It's Just Vanity</a>

The Time I Woke Up

2010-02-10T19:39:00.002-05:00

This afternoon I decided to take a nap. I set my alarm for 6:30 so that I wouldn't miss the re-run of PTI on ESPN (it's like watching your old Jewish grandfather try to keep up with an all black NBA, it's hilarious). I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before due to a nice growth of mucus that has been residing in my throat the past few days ( I took Nyquil, but that didn't kick in until about 5 am - when I had to go to work).

This nap schedule has become pretty routine for me, I like to fall asleep during the day, wake up around 6 something at night, when it's dark out, so for about 3 minutes I rush around thinking I'm late for work before I realize what meridiem it actually is.

Today was different. Today was different because it was not my alarm that woke me up, but the sound of my own bedroom door closing. Which is weird, because ummm...no one else lives in my room. I do have a roommate and he did used to have a "knock and walk problem" (where he thought we were still in college and could just randomly hop into people's rooms while knocking) but I thought we had fixed this. (I fixed this so well that last week while trying to give me a rent check he knocked 3 times and I said "Come In" 3 times and he still wouldn't come in. I should be a teacher.

10 seconds later the front door closed and locked, which either means it WAS my roommate or that the thief in my house had a key (bad) but was polite enough to lock the door on his way out (good). I'm not sure who to feel bad for though, if he did indeed enter my room (for whatever reason) he would've seen my gorilla-esque asscheeks, staring directly at him (with sheets covering every other inch of my body, a cinematographer in a Scarlett Johansson PG-13 movie couldn't have done it any better).

This is probably the most likely scenario (also why he had to immediately leave the house, probably to bleach his corneas.) What is the next logical step in this scenario? 3 more months of barely talking to each other, or would it better to be upfront and say "Hey, I know you saw me naked, we can work through this, I wasn't ready to be at this stage in our relationship, but we are here and if it was meant to be than it was meant to be." Then I'd grab his hand and say "We are one now."

I might go with the latter, just to see how long it takes him to move out afterwards.

Short Stories Tragic Endings #9

2010-02-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

I know this whole story will sound terrible, but I'm a terrible person so just read on (no one watches House because he magically heals people whose illnesses mysteriously keep getting worse. While we are here, is he the worst doctor ever? Does every doctor misdiagnose diseases at a 5:1 wrong vs right ratio? I feel like if you gave me 5 shots I could probably get it.)

Last week, at work, I teched an award show for a bunch of nursing home aides (aka the 5 best aides at nursing homes in central NC) and it was probably the most horrifying display of intelligence in my entire life. This is a quick recap of the night:

6 PM - Doors Open

7 PM - Dinner starts, but not before the head of the group gets on stage, publicly shuns me, because I spotlight him and he's in "Edward mode," holding up and crossing his index fingers to try to block the light. (I would've believed he was a vampire had he not been on the north side of 250 lbs. If there is one thing we learn from this wave of vampire movies and shows, its that all vampires are sexy people (except John C. Reilly in that awful awful awful film.))

7:05 - His assistant comes to the back of the room to tell me not to shine light on him, apparently he prefers not to be seen by the crowd AT all the rest of the night.

8:00 - Vietnam POW speaks, it was a good speech, it was just a little ..uh..interesting to see him try to relate his truly brave and heroic 6 years of captivity to being someone who wipes shit off of old people's faces.

8:30 - The awards begin! Each of the 7 award recipients has a 5 minute speech given ABOUT them, before they give their own 10 minute speech. (Here comes the awful part). Their speech giving/writing levels were around the level of a 4th grader. Not only did they not speak coherently, but they even tried to write poems!!!! POEMS. I kid you not, one of them contained this line:

I love working in these halls,

I really have a ball.

NO JOKE THERE. THIS HAPPENED.

It was a writing tool that I used pretty mightily in my first batch of lyrics at the age of 13, rhyme every single line.

After sitting through 7 of these (and 1 who absolutely spoke no English) I was about ready to stroke out and try out these nursing home aids for myself.

Short story, tragic ending.

What I Learned In College #2

2010-02-03T19:14:00.002-05:00

The one thing I really learned in college was how to cook ramen noodles. It's the simplest, easiest and most unhealthy thing you could possibly eat all rolled into 1!

The phenomenon first started Freshman year. My suite Ben and I both had single rooms sharing one bathroom and this bathroom was actually a bathroom/kitchen (don't think about it too much especially the cliche "shitting where you eat"). Between the two of us we had a hot plate (for cooking things like eggs), a foreman grill (for cooking our meats) and a pot that you plug into the wall that boils water on its own (for the noodles).

We could've made lavish meals (and we once did - although retrospectively, I wonder how is ex girlfriend feels about having her Valentine's Day meal cooked on our toilet, and served in an 8x8 cell with wooden panels that would make any 1983 architect shudder,) but instead we normally made ramen. Delicious ramen, so high in sodium, so cheap in the wallet!

I only like 2 flavors, beef and chicken. (In fact I recently tried the oriental and almost immediately threw it out, I swear to you that it smelled and tasted like oxyclean.) But after literally months of eating Ramen nearly everyday I swore never to eat it again.

4 years later, ramen is back in my life and I'll be honest - I'm in love all over again. I bought 6 at the store the other day and almost shit my pants when the total was less than $1. I wish they could come up with more flavors other than beef, chicken, oxyclean and pork (which I've never tried, but I can't imagine my noodles tasting like ham). Maybe some vegetable tasting ones... so that I could pretend I'm eating healthy while my heart and it's surrounding veins slowly and tastily shutdown. Thank you college, for all you've learned me.

We're You Aware Of It?

2010-02-03T19:13:00.004-05:00

All corporations use Tina Turner's "Simply the Best" for any sort of motivational speech, award ceremony or office birthday party. I believe I've narrowed down this down through 2 recent experiences.

First, at an award show for a medical technology company (yeah, real exciting) the VPs of the company literally spent an hour trying to find this song between their iPod and CD collections, before begging me to download the on my phone (and giving me a $1 in the process).

A few months later, as I'm setting up for a show for a realty company, they are blasting the terrible song and choreographing steps for the song (if you are trying to picture this - think a bunch of 46 year olds in suits who like look they are seizuring, but with smiles on their faces).

What possess corporations to play this song for their employees (hoping to ignite some sort of engineered company passion)? There is only one answer, these VPs were 25 when this song came out, this is the song that got them pumped as they were doing lines of coke off urinals while reciting lines from Less Than Zero (the book OR the movie). Never mind that the song is obviously about Tina Turner's songwriters' strong passion for their gay lovers (another recurring 80's theme, I've learned, is coked up homosexuality) it says "You're Simply the Best," which is enough to inspire employees (even though the next verse goes like this:)

Each time you leave me I start losing control

You're walking away with my heart and my soul
I can feel you even when I'm alone
Oh baby, don't let go

Pretty sure if a boss is trying to use a song to say that to an employee it's sexual harassment.

All this means is that in 20 years we will be playing the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" (aka worst song ever) to pump up our underlings, just because it has the line "I gotta feeling, tonight's gonna be a good good night."

WE'RE YOU AWARE OF IT?