Here we are (Kristen Stewart and I) and I'm pissed I missed the Jersey Shore season 2 preview.
9:00 - Tom Cruise opens up the awards as his hilarious character from Tropic Thunder. Was this the last time Tom Cruise will ever be funny? I say yes. His thetan levels are creeping right up, not good for comedy.
9:02 - The skit includes Taylor Lautner (boo werewolves) and Robert Pattinson (yeaaaaaa vampires!), Michael Cera's 1 character and Will Smith's corpse (dragged along by his terrible child). While we are here, may we all agree that the Karate Kid movie will probably be the biggest bust of the summer. If you pay to see that movie, you may or may not be responsible for a certain oil spill.
9:04 - Skit over, it had some funny moments, but Will Smith's kid didnt die in the end, so I wasnt satisfied.
9:05 Aziz Ansari (from Human Giant fame) is hosting and I'm pretty sure he's gonna rock it. By the way, we've already had at least 5 bleeps. (6 happened while I was typing that). Anddddddddddd 7. MTV is so f*ckin edgy.
9:06 - Aziz is playing Precious - it's funny because he is literally 1/3 of the size of that actress.
9:07 - OMFG Bieber. That is all.
Sidebar: I have like a faux Bieber fever, I obviously can't stand his all in (part emo, part hip hop, part cute kid) persona, but my god is it fun to pretend to be in love with a 15 year old boy....Wait a second...that doesn't sound right.
9:08 - Some stand up from Aziz. Not too funny. More cursing though, so I guess that makes it funny.
9:10 - Crowd shot of Robert Pattinson, he shaved the side of his head. He might be trying to steal from Morrissey and I just might have to murder him. Another shot further reveals he frosted his tips. Maybe he's playing Lance Bass in the upcoming N*Sync biopic.
9:12 - The cast of the grown-ups (whose average age is close to 45) hasn't had a combined hit in at least ...7 years? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this movie wont buck that trend. Oh shit, someone dug up Rob Schneider's corpse for this. Wonder what his family has to say about that.
9:13 - They present best female performance. Kristen Stewart (my date), Zoe Saldana (Avatar), Sanra Bullock, Amanda Seyfried. K-stew is gonna win.
9:14 - BOOM. 1/1. I always start so well. She's wearing a kind of weird dress that makes her look like a boy in drag. I'm surprised female fans vote for her, you know because they all want to either kill her and use her skin to acquire blood from Robert Pattinson.
9:15 - TI is apparently out of prison. He tells me to vote for best movie of the year. That was beyond useless.
Commercial break time. This new MTV show looks ridiculous, I feel like if this situation (a nerd gets pantsed in front of the entire school, but the school finds out he is hung like a rhino) happened in real life, the bullies in school would probably just come up with an inventive slur like "horse dick" and be on their way. No one would drool over him, he doesn't know how to use it!
9:21 - And we are back - Aziz intro's the stars of Get Him to the Greek and screws up Russell Brand's name. HOW HARD IS THIS JOB. They are presenting the award for best breakout star. Puffy tries to pull of jokes, but apparently has a hard time reading and just curses and stumbles his way through it. Curse count is at 13 now. Nominess, Zach Galifianakis, Precious, Chris Pine (from Star Trek), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air) and the guy from the Blindside....oh and a 6th? the guy from that Harry Potter rip off movie . I'm gonna guess Precious....sadly.
9:25 - Anna Kendrick wins - I just saw this movie and it was fantastic and she was awesome. Also...we were born on the same exact day in the same exact year. So we might be soulmates...not that I stalk her or anything.
9:26 - The guys from the Hangover (Ken Jeong and Ed Helms) do some interpretative dancing of their song from the Hangover. Ken Jeong is in a tiger leotard (conveniently missing ass cheeks).
9:27 - Interrupted by Tom Cruise on stage (doing his character) and this is kind of awesome. He's about to rap. I feel it. I FEEL IT.
9:28 - He dances instead, to the Ludacris song and it's pretty f*cking funny. And then Jennifer Lopez comes out? What the F is happening here, they are doing a dancing duet. This is truly a "Ummm, WTF?" moment.
9:30 - Lindsay Lohan is here. ...I'm just surprised she was able to wipe the cocaine off her nose, I thought it was permanently there.
Commercial break. My god MTV, you are actually putting on a decent show. (Although I wont forgive that Puffy segment - who incidentally walked off stage before even finishing his job. That was weird.)
9:35 - We are back - Steve Carell and Paul Rudd are here to present "scared as shit performance". Jessie Eisenberg, Allison Lohman, Katie Featherston (Paranormal Activity), the guy from District 9 and Amanda Seyfried. I'll guess the girl from Paranormal Activity....
9:36 - GD - 1/3 - Amanda Seyfried wins for Jennifer's Body (I think, although it could possibly be for that terrible chick flick movie she did with the guy that used to be a stripped. Dear John...that sounds scary ish.
9:37 - Harry Potter 7 preview. That was kind of neat, I just finished reading the book (about 2 pages a day for 4 years). So, I'm a little excited to see this film. On an unrelated note, I'm moving to wherever Brown University is to stalk Emma Watson.
9:38 - Another commercial break. While we are here I should mention the bleep count is up to around 20. I wonder if they realize it's only funny once in awhile.
9:40 - Just saw a commercial for "Cats and Dogs: The Return of Kitty Galore." Yea, that movie actually happening.
9:43 - We are back with Jessica Biel and Bradley (I'm in my 40's, but girls still think I'm hot even though I've been around the block and back) Cooper to present best kiss. MTV does a kiss cam of stars and Zac Efron looks nervous about kissing his long time GF on camera....Uhh that's questionable right?
9:44 - I missed a lot of the nominees. I'm gonna guess Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift from Valentine's Day.
9:45 - G*D Damn. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, wasn't aware that he was nominated or I OBVIOUSLY would've picked him. They go to kiss on stage and they tease everybody about kissing before not kissing at all. Also weird.
9:47 - Jason Segel and iCarly come on to present Katy Perry and Snoop, and he makes things really awkward by telling her he really enjoys her TV show. She says thanks and then he goes...NO REALLY. Just to clarify - she is like...16. He's in his mid 30's.
9:49 - Katy Perry performs her awful awful awful new song California Gurrls. Her hair is a weird color and her boobs are huge, are you surprised by any of this information? Didn't think so.
9:50 - I'm horrified that this girl was on Warped Tour just a few years ago. Now she collabs with SNOOP, yo. I've read in interviews that this is her "response" to Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind." I feel like this "battle" winner could be determined by a deaf mute who lives in the darkest corners of Antarctica.
Commercial break. I really think we need another Tom Cruise cameo to liven things up. I'm about to crash. Bleep count is at 32, in case you were wondering. Also, we haven't seen the host of this show since 9:30....
9:57 - We are back with a skit with the guys from Human Giant doing a skit thats obnoxiously close to a skit they did on Human Giant. There was no humorous parts to be found.
9:59 - Betty White (this trend has got to end. NOW. Thanks Snicker super bowl commercial. Not only are we going to have to deal with 2010 being the year of Betty White, but in 2011 everyone will get all sad when she dies, because she had such a big 2010. I cant handle that sadness. I CANT) Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansson present Sandra Bullock with the generation award. I mean...its nice and all, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with any recent tabloid news. I just think its nice that she is out in public. She's a national treasure (according to Betty White).
10:06 - There was a 5 minute clip of her movie career and then a 30 second standing ovation. Her speech is was strong, in this emotional moment, I'd to add that she was really really hot in The Proposal.
10:09 - An awkward moment between Scarlett Johanson and Sandra Bulluck (about why she was Scarlett was on stage) turns into a kiss renactment of Scarlett's husband (Ryan Reynolds) scene in The Proposal. Yeah...it was convoluted.
10:10 - The cast of Scott Pilgrim does the best "WTF" moment, an obvious reference to this blog. Ken Jeong wins, I wouldn't have guessed. I've lost my luster. Take me out back and kill me. While I'm here I should mention that I once walked past him as he was sitting on a staircase in the hotel I work at. He looked mean, I didn't talk to him.
10:13 - He accepts the award and gets really really choked up and I'm wondering why and then he starts openly crying about how his wife beat breast cancer. It was sweet that he could do that, it just came out of nowhere. And it was also a little scary, like watching someone have a nervous breakdown.
10:15 - Aziz does a rap tribute to Avatar that ends with "Fuck BP". So that's cute.
10:16 - Sam Jackson, The Rock and Eva Mendes come out to introduce best villian, while Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell hang from the rafters about them. I can't even accurately describe what a trainwreck this is. The bleep count is now well over 60 and apparently they forgot to bleep Mark Wahlberg, because fuck you, kind of maybe got out. Not many laughs during that segment which revolved around Mark Wahlberg being pissed he was stuck but since 5 people were all talking and cursing at the same time it was kind of just 1 long bleep with words like "the" and "you" tossed for pacing. Oy.
10:19 - The blond kid from Harry Potter wins while Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell interrupt. Another shit slips through. Which is funny, because thats kind of what the show has become.
Commercial break. I need to recover, like submerge myself in ice cold salt water after opening up several self inflicted wounds on my body. That segment was indescribably bad. As soon as the youtube video is posted, I will post it. WOW.
10:27 - I missed the badass award nominees but some guy named Rain won. I don't eve know what movie he was in. He spoke broken english and smacked his ass, so that's cool.
10:28 - The stars of Twilight come out to introduce a clip of the new Eclipse movie. Kristen is really letting me down, she's being overly friendly tonight, and not the somber brooding girl I'm used to. I'm about to dump her.
10:30 - That clip really didnt show anything I couldnt have guessed. Live blogging these last 30 minutes will be torture. I think I'd rather watch an episode of Two and A Half Men.
Commercial Break.
10:35 - Jessica Alba and Vanessa Hudgens come out to present leading male performance. Was anyone else aware that Jessica Alba was still alive? Good for her. Nominees: Robert Pattinson, Channing Tatum, Harry Potter, Zac Efron, Taylor Lautner. So Jacob vs Edward. I'm gonna guess Edward - since he has won everything else.
10:37 - Boo ya. So i guessed 2 right tonight. Good for me. Robert thanks Kristen, she rolls her eyes. My girl is back. YES
10:38 - McLovin comes out to introduce Christina Aguilera. Drops another bleep. Also, I should mention that they aren't even bleeping these curses, they are just cutting the audio together. I think the bleep is funnier.
10:39 - Speaking of funny, Christina Aguilera's new song is kind of terrible huh? Apparently she saw Lady Gaga get huge and decided that was the way to go. Kind of like how she copied Britney Spears in the cute, young teen stage, and then the sexy whore stage and then dropped those in favor of the "Im a serious artist" schtick. It's good to see the ole XTina back, I always felt that that Christina was slutty enough to sleep with any guy she saw randomly on the street. So guys, keep your eyes peeled!
10:42 - The performance ends with a close up shot of Xtina's Vag and the glowing heart on it...Followed by a kiss cam shot of Katy Perry and her FIANCE Russell Brand, pretending to Kiss and then her pulling away while he is confused and keeps trying to kiss her. This was not an act, he was genuinely trying to kiss her. Fun times. Only 15 more minutes. We can do this.
Commercial break.
10:48 - Zach Galifianakis in a skit with Aziz as his "swagger" coach. And it's terrible. MORE TOM CRUISE PLZ.
10:50 - Zac Efron to present best comedic performance - and he tried to make some jokes. Cute. Noms: Ben Stiller, Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock, Zach G and Bradley (straight guy in a comedy) Cooper. I vote Zach G and he wins. YESSSSSSSS. 2 in a row. I feel like a baller.
10:52 - Aziz accepts as his character from the skit and continues to not be funny.
Commercial break.
Final award is best movie of the year and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say New Moon wins. Let's hope I finish strong - 3 in a row!
10:58 - TOM CRUISE RETURNS. But as himself with Cameron Diaz to present best movie, she kinda looks like a mess, just staring blankly into the camera. Noms: Avatar, New Moon, Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, New Moon, and the Hangover. Finish strong Kelson, you can do this.
11:00 - New MOON WINS. Nice. I cant wait for my date to mumble blindly about how she hates her world. ....And she doesnt even talk, but to bring the whole thing full circle, the guy that accepts the award references the fact that there were a lot of F-bombs during the night and the proceeds to use the F-bomb every other word. I think we broke 100. We did it, it was truly an amazing night for all of us. And in case you were wondering about 10 F-bombs got through at the end, just a terrible job from the censors tonight.
And that's all folks, I will not be watching the Hard Times of RJ Berger, let's not talk about it. Ever.
