11:30 - Apparently it's ladies night at the Grammy's tonight which means there will be a lot of cougars on the prowl. Justin Bieber is gonna get raaaaaaaaped.
11:31 - Lady Gaga opens the show, but apparently she has turned into a slim black man. I hope she hangs herself like she did at the VMA's. Oh snap, she appears and she actually sort of looks like a woman tonight. Bravo Gaga.
11:33 - She's singing her hit "Poker Face" and apparently there is a piano playing off key in the background. At least it's live! No Ashlee Simpson's here.
11:34 - REMIX - Elton John joins tranny McGaga on stage and they sing some song I don't know. Has Elton John's entire roll in life been reduced to "surprise collaboration at the Grammy's with whoever is most popular that year?"
11:36 - Through the massive amount of makeup, I can tell that Gaga is in fact a human and with black ash covering her face, I gotta say she's pretty attractive, no matter what some of her awful masks in her videos say.
11:37 - Song over...who is hosting this year I wonder...
11:38 - Apparently Stephen Colbert, how was this not publicized? I'm surprised he didn't spend an entire week practicing on his show by singing Freebird covers and putting on Kiss makeup.
11:40 - Crowd shot of Russell Brand & Katy Perry - and apparently Russell Brand just decided not to button his shirt and has the body of a Persian carpet salesman.
11:42 - Song of the Year nominees are announced: Lady Gaga, Kings of Leon, Maxwell, Beyonce, and Taylor Swift. My vote would go to Kings of Leon, I'm gonna guess Beyonce though....
11:43 - Winner - BEYONCE. 1/1. Let me just say I hate this song and this video, why does anyone think 3 ladies dancing in a "1 shot" in front of a white screen is impressive. Kanye West is wrong.
11:44 - Accepting for Beyonce tonight - 3 rotund men who get less than 20 seconds to speak before their mic is cut off. YES
11:45 - J. Lo is apparently gonna introduce Green Day and I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to sit through this performance. Has any band become more unbearable than Green Day? Fake british accents, really arrogant CDs that are more pretentious than an opera (because this is a ROCK OPERA). I hope Billy Joe gets an infection from his guyliner.
11:46 - Apparently it's the cast of the new American Idiot musical singing this song. Really, is there an overwhelming demand for a Green Day Musical?
11:47 - Ah sweet, here comes my favorite d-bag pretending to play acoustic guitar.
11:48 - Does this musical include earlier Green Day songs off Dookie? Like the song about masterbation? Because that would be classy sung by a classically trained musician that just got done doing a 12 year run in Cats.
11:49 - If you don't mind I'm just gonna fast forward the rest of this.
11:50 - The stars of "When in Rome" to try to get people to vote for Bon Jovi's song choice for their first Grammy performance. Apparently Josh Duhammel (the one who cheated on Fergie) can't follow a teleprompter to save his life. Also of note...first time Bon Jovi has ever performed at the Grammy's. I feel great that I haven't had to sit through them...yet. Also of note: I can NOT WAIT, for their keyboard player with awful awful awful hair to come out and pretend to play 12 keyboards at once.
11:52 - Country nominations - Not sure who these people are. I'll guess Keith Urban
11:53 - GD. Taylor Swift wins. I could've sworn she was too pop for Nashville now. Let's just pray for a Kanye appearance on stage. Apparently she wrote every song on her album...that..doesn't...compute. I thought all major label artists had songs written by 45 year old washed up musicians who smoke marlboro red's with the filter cut off and have a bottle of jack taped to their hand. GOOD FOR HER!
11:54 - The Mentalist is announcing Beyonce. I hate the Mentalist - I was forced to watch it once when I couldnt afford cable and it was the only thing on TV. I wanted to claw my eyes out with the forced humor they were trying to shove down my throat.
11:55 - Beyonce takes the stage with an army of men following her (kinda feel like shes ripping off Lady Gaga, just saying).
11:56 - I love that Beyonce's full time guitarist is a black woman with a 2 foot afro that just rocks out in the corner to these sweet R&B jams. She also has enough chains in between her legs to compete with some of my middle school friends who wore JNCO's.
11:58 - I feel like just once I need to get into pit at a Beyonce show, because everyone down there is definitely looking straight into her Vag. Anybody see any little Jay-Z's up there?
11:59 - She cuts short her own song and starts covering Alanis Morrisette. I wonder if Alanis is rolling over in her grave. ( I know she's alive, but her music career is definitely not. PLUS, Ryan Reynolds left her for Scarlett Johanson. Life FAIL. ALSO, if she can't write another angry album after THAT, she's obviously done.)
12:01 - Seal comes out to introduce something (and apparently he has won grammy's before, who knew!?) .
12:02 - Apparently it's P!nk. I can't tell you how sick I am of her, MTV HD basically runs her concert every other hour. Everyone remembers when she used to pretend she was black, right? Ok, cool, just checking.
12:03 - She is singing a ballad, does anyone think to themselves "Man, I really hope this over produced pop star who was R&B and then turned into a huge "rocker" once she started f'in a Motocross rider sings a ballad?" No.
12:05 - She starts flying above the crowd at the end of the song and I'm so impressed. She also takes off her shawl to reveal a flesh colored body suit that reveals a body like a man!
12:06 - They dip her in water and I'm trying to think if she is the last female in the audience tonight I'd want to see all wet in a body suit......thinking...thinking...yep! (Note: this would not be true if Susan Boyle was in the audience.)
12:07 - Two country stars I don't care about are the next presenters for best new artist. Zac Brown Band, Keri Hilson, MGMT, Silversun Pickups and The Ting Tings.
12:09 - Silversun please win!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nope. Zac Brown band. Apparently it's mandatory to have beards and be at least 250 pounds in this band.
12:11 - Miley Cyrus and her half lisp to present the Black Eyed Peas award for most awful group. Oh...what's that? It's just a performance, that award doesnt exist yet? YET.
12:13 - I've never even heard this song, but apparently they just bleeped about 7 seconds of audio. MANNNNNNN they are cutting edge. The good news is Will.I.Am is wearing a prosthetic faceshield like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky (my 2nd favorite movie). This alone will not salvage this performance.
12:14 - A lot of performances have backup dancers with weird costumes this year...feels really familiar...But I'm sure pop stars wouldn't rip anything off ...right?
12:15 - BEP rips into their "hit" single "I got a feeling" which has been voted the worst song of all time, mainly because it prominently features "Mazel Tov" rhyming with "off." Also, they list days of the week. Srsly?
12:18 - Jonas Brothers (who were best new artist last year, and have already broken up) to present a country artist Lady Antebellum. Warning: not gonna be able to sit through this.
12:19 - They start off playing behind a drape and it falls on the female lead singer. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Someone just got murdered in the Staples Center.
12:20 FF. More CBS stars to promote something and to present best comedy album. Spinal Tap, Stephen Colbert, Weird Al, Patton Oswalt, Kathy Griffin, George Lopez.
12:21 - Guarantee a Stephen Colbert win here. BOOM. Lock it in I'm 2/3. I love him, but it's just too easy, he's a critical darling.
12:22 - He thanks Jesus and then they try to play him off stage. BOOOOOOOO.
12:23 - Ringo Starr and Norah Jones (who cut her hair so that she looks ummm....cute?) to present Record of the Year...not sure how this is different than song of the year. Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, Kings of Leon, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift.
12:25 - Taylor Swift, I will guess. Kings of Leon. GD. I hated this band when they basically used to be a southern rock cover band, then I liked this song, then they played this about 300 times in a row on radio and I stopped liking it. But good for them I guess.
12:26 - Robert Downey Jr to present an...Opera performance...which is weird until Jamie Foxx starts auto tuning his way to stardom. Really ....? Someone asked Jamie Foxx to perform, but not to do comedy?
12:28 - Interesting note: Jamie Foxx has both a headset microphone and a handheld microphone....Seems over the top, but maybe one is for auto tuning.
12:29 - T-Pain (who's been hiding on stage the whole time!!!) comes out and also starts auto tuning himself to death. Now this all makes sense. At this point I kind of expect Andy Samberg to come out, it's the only thing that would salvage this mess.
12:30 - Instead they are joined by a beat boxer that looks like a 300 pound version of Doug E Fresh.
12:31 - Slash comes out ..? I'm so confused. To recap, on stage right now: Jamie Foxx, T Pain, a fat Doug E Fresh, an even fatter random black lady just dancing and Slash...Yeah...
12:32 - Justin Bieber and Ke$ha present together as the "most likely to be a flash in the pan" duo. I hate Justin Bieber so much, I really hope that a cougar has already had her way with him.
12:34 - Katy Perry and Alice Cooper to present best Rock album (Nickelback in all five nominee spots, I assume.) Actual noms are: Green Day, AC/DC, Steve Miller live, Dave Matthews and U2.
12:35 I'll guess U2. But of course it's fucking Green Day, they write a goddamn fucking rock op....oh wait, I did this rant already? Grammy voters can burn in hell.
12:36 More CBS stars!!!!! Chris O'Donnell (who should only be known as Robin) to introduce that stupid Zac Brown Band. They are described as country meets jam band and I think my head just exploded.
12:38 FF. Ryan Seacrest (who apparently is required to be at any sort of music industry event, even though his only contribution is hosting top 40 radio, which can be argued is the antithesis of music, just saying) to present Taylor Swift.
12:39 - I guess this somehow slipped into the country portion of the evening, but I'll watch her because she has enough makeup on to kill the baboons they test it on.
12:40 - Yikes her voice is a little off tonight so she stops singing and hands the mic off to Stevie Nicks to sing some old Fleetwood Mac song. Oh man I love 1973 (and more accurately, I love watching 55 year old rock stars trying to re-ignite their glory days). Note: Stevie Nicks is in an all black outfit and is definitely wearing shoulder pads and gloves (so people don't see her old lady hands.)
12:42 - Taylor Swift still not singing well, I wonder if that damn werewolf took her vocal chords. This is why I'm on team Edward.
12:44 - She continues butchering the term "melody" by singing a countrified version of her hit song "You Belong With Me." While this is going on I'll take the time to let everyone know that thanks to WFMY (the local CBS affiliate) running weather updates in the bottom third of the screen CONSTANTLY, my lovely HD image is squished and I might explode.
12:45 - Lionel Ritchie says "Michael Jackson" and I immediately pass out. Wake me up when people start realizing MJ hasn't been relevant in 19 years.
12:47 - Celine Dion, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Smokey Robinson to sing with a dead MJ about the world. This is also presented in 3D, except I dont have my glasses because my ex girlfriend made me throw them out claiming I would never use them again (after seeing My Bloody Valentine in 3D). Maybe we broke up knowing this would happen in the future.
12:49 - So watching this in 3D with no glasses is giving me a headache and not even Carrie Underwood's beauty is making this bearable.
12:50 - Oh here is Smokey (speaking of someone who hasn't been relevant in yeeeears)! He always looks like he has been prepared to go on stage at a funeral home.
12:52 - There is absolutely no reason this needs to be in 3D, unless of course you NEED to see Usher on his knees in your living room. Ladies from 1998, I'm looking at you!
12:53 - Crowd shot, Andy Samberg is in the building. It's BS he didnt go on stage during that Jamie Foxx trainwreck. Also, how was he not nominated for best comedy album.
12:54 - Michael Jackson's kids are....totally...white?
12:56 - Sheryl Crow to present Bon Jovi. Come on homely looking keyboard player!
12:58 - They play their new single, even though fans were allowed to vote on which song they wanted them to play...So you are telling me their fans who are mostly women who grew up in Jersey in 1984, didn't want to hear Livin on a Prayer? Yeahhhhhhhh, not buying it. This goes to show fan voting means nothing.
12:59 - 3 shots so far of the keyboard player and I think I've seen 4 keyboards. YES!!!!!!!!
1:00 - There is enough leather being worn on stage right now, that I'm positive at least 7 cows were killed.
1:02 - My bad apparently they ARE playing living on a prayer (called it). But does anyone want to see them play two entire songs....? Kill me.
1:03 - A long distance shot of the keyboard player; his long blond curls stick out from a mile away. Also of note, apparently Bon Jovi does not have a bass player.
1:04 - Luckily, they play one verse and one chorus and that's it. If I were a guido, I'd be pretty pissed about this.
1:05 - Mos Def and Placido Domingo (weird combo) present Rap/Sung Collaboration. Beyonce & Kanye, Keri Hilson & Kanye, JayZ Rihanna and Kanye, TI and JT, and the Lonely Island and T-Pain. If I were a betting man ( I am) I'd bet that a song featuring Kanye will win, but I'm gonna hold out hope for the Lonely Island.
1:07 - Winner is....Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye (I just won $1000!). This song is my least favorite of all the nominees because it's annoying as hell (although that is mostly just Rihanna nasally whining through the entire thing). Apparently Kanye isn't here, which just blows my mind. Doesn't he live on attention?
1:09 - Wyclef Jean (who rumor has it has been stealing money from his Haiti charity) presents Mary J Blige...uhhh sensitive subject here so I'll just fast forward.
1:10 - It's time for the annual nerdy white president of the RIAA to come out and pretend anybody cares about him. He tells us that Neil Young is the person of the year because he made a couple really good drug induced records in 1964. Old musicians are so relevant!
1:14 - After 4 minutes of rambling, this man starts lecturing about illegal downloading, perhaps you should've given this speech in 2001 and maybe not jacked CDs to $20, when they cost less than $.05/each to make.
1:15 - Adam Sandler comes on stage for no reason in particular to introduce Dave Matthews Band. I can't wait to see Dave Matthews do his patented little foot jig.
1:17 - Midway through the song a stage of string players are rolled in and half of them are Asian, Dave Matthews, breaking stereotypes!
1:18 - I'm pretty sure Ruben Studdard of American Idol fame is now on stage singing backup, but not being featured. Like...his role in life has just been reduced to singing back up with a bunch of other random folks.
1:20 - Holy shit! Ricky Martin returns to his home at the Grammy's! I feel like he should probably win every grammy ever, they should just nominate "She Bangs" for every category every year.
1:21 - He presents best female vocals and Beyonce wins (shock!). I'm pretty sure this is only like...the 5th award tonight and we are coming up on 3 hours. I'm not complaining, it's just weird, cause its an award show, ya know?
1:23 - Another CBS star to promote something, this time it happens to be LL Cool J the "actor." He introduces Maxwell, who I only remember because I think he had some crazy hair back in the day. The first 2 minutes of this soul performance screams FF. So, I oblige.
1:25 - While fast forwarding, I see some lady joins him on stage, it got even more soulful. That's all you need to now. Now they are going through the list of musicians that died in 2009. How much are you willing to bet that the last person they show is Michael Jackson. $1 Trillion? Maybe we can get the US government to make this bet with China and get us out of national debt?
1:27 - Shit, they ended it with Les Paul...did I somehow miss Michael Jackson...WTF...Hold on I need to recover.
1:28 - While I'm cleaning up the blood my head just produced on the wall from this epic fail, Jeff Beck performs. Uh...he's...cool? He doesnt sing but he sure knows how to rub a glass bottle against guitar strings!
1:29 - Quinton Tarentino comes out as fat Elvis from 1976 and is apparently nominated for something...God knows what. He introduces Drake, Lil Wayne, Eminem and Travis Barker. Holy shit, a moment I'm actually excited for. (Although I must admit a lot of facebook statuses hyped this up before I had a chance to watch, let's hope it doesnt disappoint.)
1:31 - They literally just bleeped Lil Wayne for 5 seconds, came back for 1 second, then bleeped another 2. As I typed that, he was bleeped twice more.
1:32 - Here comes Eminem, the least exciting factor of this performance. I feel like he is trying to be a "serious" rapper now, but the fact that his first 4 years were filled with nothing but jokey type songs aimed at white kids, kind of hurts that street cred. Maybe he needs to film 8 mile 2.
1:33 - Drake comes out and starts singing the song thats on the soundtrack to the Lebron James movie, the only problem is that he isnt singing on time with the vocal track. By the way, we are up to 9 bleeps of 2 seconds or more.
1:35 - Taylor Swift is rocking hard in the front row, pretty sure Lil Wayne is gonna sleep with her by the end of the night, unless of course he passes out from Robotrippin'. Also, isn't he supposed to be in jail by now?
1:37 - Performance ends on a bleep....Well, I think this would've been good without all the bleeps. All the hype on facebook was a little much though. Also, no Kanye on this track, still? I feel like he's playing a huge joke on all of us, and he's just gonna jump out during the album of the year presentation.
1:38 - Album of the Year - Presented by Santana and John Legend. Gaga, Beyonce, Dave Matthews, Taylor Swift and someone else I didn't catch. Taylor Swift wins. My hopes of Kanye hopping up on stage are still real. COME ON!
1:39 - This is a shame, considering she had the worst vocal performance of the night. I also enjoy that 4 50 year old white men jump up on stage with her...Are we sure she wrote these songs, because these old guys definitely fit the profile of ghost song writers.
1:40 - John Legend closes the grammy's out by saying see you next year.
A disappointing night (but the Grammy's always are, so maybe this makes it ordinary?). We had a lot of bleeps, at least 3 performances with backup dancers dressed in weird robot like outfits and Taylor Swift and Beyonce winning everything.
In case you were wondering I had at least 12 Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets and 3/4 of a 1/2 gallon of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, which I have voted as most impressive peformance of the night.
